Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has one more battle on his hands….the worst fucking breath this side of the Mississippi.
“Have you ever smelled baby shit?” asked a former Alexander aide who asked to remain anonymous. “Well that’s what it smells like. I worked for the piece of shit for six months and couldn’t take it anymore. The money and the perks were good but I quit for one reason and one reason only….his ‘breath of death.’ Yep, that’s what everyone called Senator Alexander’s breath….when he wasn’t around. When he walked in the room, I swear to god you felt like you were going to die. All I could ever think about was, I gotta get out….I gotta get out….I gotta get out. I used to watch other Senators stand five feet from him…and the closer he got to them, they would just keep edging back further and further. The Senator never got the message. We used to leave tic tacs, gum, lifesavers, whatever, laying around all over the place hoping he would pick one up…but he never did. He’d come around and, no shit, it was like he just finished eating a big plate of horse manure for lunch.”
Halitosis is not the only challenge that the two-term Tennessee Senator has faced. A recovering pedophile and father of 14 children, 10 of them illegitimate, he has also battled severe foot odor that has reportedly cleared the Senate floor on at least two occasions.
“Oh it’s awful,” acknowledged his wife Honey. “He’s really just a disgusting man. I can’t stand to be around him…so I just do everything in my power to stay away from him.”
Besides his shit breath and his syrupy and disgusting phony Tennessee drawl, Senator Alexander is one of the most renowned right wing hypocrites in American politics.
“Ahhh Lamar,” waxed fellow right winger Jeff Sessions. “We can’t stand to be around him. I never thought I would say this, but I wish the good people of Tennessee would get their shit together and elect a Democrat. His breath is even worse that that of old Strom [Thurmond, former Senator of South Carolina, now deceased].”
Alexander is up for reelection in 2014 but, thanks to his miserable breath, is reportedly already having trouble holding on to key staff members who were responsible for his reelection in 2009.