For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.
I f*cked up
Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions. “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.
“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus. It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.
“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican. He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”
This is the guy we thought was coming back
“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”
“Damn!”
“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”
“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”
“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”
“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”
BJ went with God…and with countless little boys in the Youth Group
“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”
“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”
Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos
“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”
“Huh?”
“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”
“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”
“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”
“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”
“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”
“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home. He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”
“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”
“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”
“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we callThe Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”
“HEY MOM!!”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: ”But my dad says…..never mind….”
Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
The crowd of Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” ”I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: ”That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!’”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
A growing mob prepares to question potential queers
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. ”JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: ”BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: ”What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. ”YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: ”I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: ”Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
((BLAM!!))
Scalia: ”He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: ”Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
(((BLAM BLAM!!!))
Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: ”Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: ”I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: ”You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: ”You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Maple St. is coming apart at the seams
Michele Bachmann: ”It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7
Todd Palin: ”Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: ”Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
((BLAM BLAM!!!))))
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: ”What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: ”It said: ”Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: ”And that was it??”
Zodox: ”That was it”
Xoxdox: ”You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: ”And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: ”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Xoxdox: ”I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: ”We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”
By now, most everyone is aware of Texas Governor, and Republican candidate for President, Rick Perry’s “deer-in-the-headlights” freeze when it comes to answering tough questions….and even easy ones.
Perry experiencing another bout of "brain freeze" over the question posed to him by a smartass reporter, "Governor, can you tell us who is buried in Grant's tomb?"
Just last week, a Burger King crew member at a restaurant in Austin reports that Perry froze for more than 30 seconds when she asked him if he wanted to hold the pickles or hold the lettuce.
“I also told him that special orders don’t upset us that all we want is for him have it his way,” said Tiffany Jizzface of Austin. ”The Governor just froze forever….or at least it seemed like forever,” said Jizzface. “By the time he came out of it he just started rambling about doing away with the Energy Department. Whatever he was saying had nothing to do with that he ordered.”
Jizzface serves customer at health-consicous restaurant
SPB has learned that Perry underwent a frontal lobotomy in 1985. The neurosurgeon who performed the operation said the lobotomy was performed in order to eliminate Perry’s tendency to start wildly and spontaneously whacking off in public.
Rick Perry undergoing lobotomy in 1985
“He couldn’t control himself,” said Austin neurosurgeon Phil McCracken. “Gov. Perry was whacking off like a wild orangutan,” he said. ”So we went in and discovered Governor Perry essentially had brain components identical to that of an ape. We cut that part out but we inadvertently cut out a part of Perry’s brain that allows him to think, which was extremely small anyway comparable to what you would find in, say, a large red ant. As it turned out, Governor Perry’s ability to think was generally unaffected as evidenced by the many moronic decisions he made before the surgery. But the removal of this portion of the brain had the unintended consequence of causing the “brain freeze” that millions of Americans have been witness to since the Governor threw his hat into the Presidential ring,” said Dr. McCracken.
After surgery, Perry grew his hair long in an effort to cover the area where half of his brain was removed
“Brain freeze” expert, Dr. Ivan Wackinoff, said brain freeze and other mental handicaps were serious risks posed by a lobotomy procedure whenever the patient had pre-existing mental retardation. “Frankly, the governor is lucky he did not become a vegetable.”
"Brain Freeze" authority, Dr. Ivan Whackinoff
“It defies all odds that this gentleman has been able to put together coherent thoughts much less rise to the level of Governor in a state such as Texas,” said Wackinoff. ”On the other hand, one must consider the source of those who populate the state that elected Perry in the first place,” Wackinoff pointed out.
(Note: Governor Perry’s last documented coherent thought was in 1968 as a Texas A & M cheerleader when he was heard shouting out “Sis Boom Bah!”)
Whether you enjoy hunting or just want to enjoy a getaway with the family in the great outdoors, there may no better place to go than Niggerhead.
And there’s one guy you can always count on to greet you at Niggerhead with hometown, Texas hospitality….and that would be Texas Governor and Republican Presidential candidate, Rick Perry.
"WELCOME TO NIGGERHEAD BOYS!!!!"
“COME TO NIGGERHEAD…YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAA !!!!” screamed Perry with his best rebel-yell welcome to a group of hunters from Columbus, Ohio.
“We’ve been wanting to come to Niggerhead forever–ever since we found out that not only does it have the best hunting this side of Nairobi but the best hospitality in the entire United States !!” said Bo Svenson, a hunter from Columbus.
Ready to party at Niggerhead
“Ah hope you boys done brought yah-self an appetite to Niggerhead!” yelled Perry. “YEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!”
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAA,” screamed the Columbus entourage.
One of the many delicacies offered at Niggerhead is Deep Fried Donkey Dick which Govnuh Perry shows a group of hunters how to eat
“Boys,” said Perry…. “here at Niggerhead we offer a number of hunting excursions to satisfy even the most discriminating tastes! On Mondays, and Wednesdays, starting at 6 a.m. we got the Jungle Bunny Safari. On Tuesdays and Thursdays it’s a good old-fashioned COON HUNT !!!!”
“YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA!!!!
“On Fridays, get ready for the Brer Rabbit Blast!”
“…..and on weekends, we offer the SPEAR CHUCKER HOLIDAY!!!”
Strapping with boot spurs, the Govnuh do take his hunting seriously as he gets ready for some goooood huntin' of some nigg...uh, rabbits
For the ultimate sportsman, Rick Perry’s Niggerhead Hunting Camp offers the finest hunting excursions outside of Africa. Bring yourself, your family, and your friends….but most of all, bring a hunting spirit. Hunting includes deer, wild boar, jack rabbits, coyotes, mountain lions, even bears (seasonal). But most of all, Niggerhead offers the world’s most sensational hunting of….well, you know.
Herman Cain was all set for a weekend at Niggerhead until the 11th hour when he found out just being white on the inside wasn't enough for admittance. "I need to work on that," said Cain. "I'll help you out," offered Cain's best friend Clarence Thomas.
Come to Niggerhead and have the thrill of your life!
A Niggerhead hunter takes aim at a home where reportedly resides a family of nigg...er, mountain lions
Niggerhead is located in Jasper, TX. For more information or to sign up, go to Theniggerheadhunt.com
…starring: Colonel Rick Perry, Major Mitt Romney, Captain George W. Bush, Sgt. Newt Gingrich, Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Private Eric Cantor, and featuring Lieutenant Rick Santorum as the Christian coward….
It was the worst of times….a time of war when Christian life as Americans know it was threatened at its core…when the America we love and cherish hangs in the balance. And it is the eve of Col. Rick Perry’s greatest conquest: The taking of the Ant Hill and the ultimate annihilation of America’s greatest enemies: Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity….
It is a time of reckoning….
The Front
Scene I: Col Perry visits the front which is preparing its final attack upon the Ant Hill:
“TEN HUT!!!!!!”
“At ease men. Capt. Bush, do you have a status report on the Ant Hill?”
“Sir, yes Sir! We currently have the last remnants of American Common Sense and Humanity pinned in. Our men are standing by, Sir, and prepared to attack and finish them off on your orders.”
“Good…very good Capt. Bush. Remember, if you should capture anyone, see to it that they are renditioned to Texas so they can be quickly lethally injected before any chance of intervention from the courts.”
“Yes SIR ! And if any of those captured are retards, Sir?”
“No chance of that Captain since the only retards left are on our side.
“Affirmative, Sir !!”
“You know Capt Bush….you and your men have the opportunity to bring great honor to God, flag, and country…”
“You’re a great leader Col. Perry,” complimented Col Perry’s trusty aide, Major Mitt Romney. “The capture of the Ant Hill will place your legacy alongside of that of Ronald Reagan. Samuel Johnson once said, ‘patriotism is the refuge of a scoundrel.’”
“Right you are Major Romney…a saying in which we may all take great pride.”
“Sir, are you ready to meet the men who are ready to give you your greatest victory?’
Soldiers of righteousness prepare to meet their leader
“Yes Capt. Bush. Hello there soldier. What’s your name?”
“Sir, Sgt Gingrich, SIR !”
“Are you ready to kill Common Sense soldier?”
“SIR YES SIR !!”
“And what’s your name soldier?”
“Sir, Private Cantor Sir!”
“Cantor, are you ready to kill Humanity?”
“Sir YES SIR ! HOOAH !!”
“Very good soldier. Men, tomorrow at first light you shall do battle with the true forces of evil…the forces that are trying to prevent your great way of life and your rights to have consistently low prices at Wal-Mart, marriage between a man and a woman, prayer and exclusive teachings of intelligent design in your children’s schools, belief in only one God….your God…the God under the banner of one heaven, and most of all…your rights to have no affordable health care!”
Col Perry takes aim at Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity
“SIR YES SIR !!! HOOAH!!!”
“And what’s your name soldier?”
“Lt. Santorum, Sir.”
“And are you ready to kill Knowledge soldier?”
“Well, I understand that Knowledge is pretty tough, Sir…that it won’t be easy to kill..”
“In America?!?! Are you crazy soldier?!?!?! Troops what do you think about such a statement?!?!
“But Sir….I’m just not sure Sir… if I’m ready to….”
“NOT READY!?! Lt. you sound like a coward. Why if you were from my state and you weren’t already an evangelical I’d have you lethally injected!”
“But Sir….I just can’t fight Knowledge.”
“Get out of my sight Santorum you pasty-white, fat-ass, pansy coward. What about you Gingrich? Do you think you and your men can rid our republic of the last remnants of Knowledge?”
“SIR YES SIR!!”
“You there soldier….what’s your name?”
“Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Sir.”
“Corporal Bachmann, I understand you have a special set of skills and great experience at infiltrating Common Sense and Humanity and getting deep inside the scourge known as same-sex marriage.”
“SIR YES SIR! I’ve been able to outflank and deeply penetrate the insides of same-sex marriage.”
“Then Corporal Bachmann….I will expect you to penetrate same-sex marriage to its bitter end with repeated deep thrusts.”
Corp. Bachmann....master of "deep infiltration" of same-sex marriage scourge
“Sir yes Sir! …with repeated deep, deep penetration with deep thrusts Sir, yes Sir.”
“Good luck men. May you go forth tomorrow in victory under the banner of heaven. Major Romney and I will be leading you in spirit from our chickenhawk headquarters. We wish you godspeed.”
…and so it was to be: America’s final conquest and its greatest victory to permanently rid our great nation of Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity was at hand. Live long and prosper oh great Christian nation.
The last remnants of Common Sense and Knowledge are ordered to be shot by Col Perry
Texas Gov. Rick Perry stunned America today by announcing he will forgo the Presidency in 2012 and will run for God instead.
Rick Perry for God....2012
Gov Perry, who until this week was considered a possible frontrunner for the Republican Presidential nomination if he decided to run, apparently decided to seek this higher calling based on his recent association with the Christian American Family Association and their plans to hold an all-day prayer event in Houston this August.
“I looked at myself in the mirror about the time I was calling for a day of prayer in Houston and I just saw God,” said Perry. “It was at that moment that I basically had an epiphany and right then and there I decided, why stop at the Presidency? Why not go for the top.”
“He’ll make a perfect God,” said his deity campaign manager, Karl Rove. “I don’t know why I never thought of it before. I mean, if the first God made man in his image, then Rick Perry is certainly who God was thinking of when he made man. Just look at him…strapping, Marlboro man good looks, a full head of hair, cowboy boots, and a guy who has about as much compassion for the weak and spineless as Hitler had for the Jews. Who could be more perfect?”
"No hanging chads in this election. Governor Perry will win God by a landslide," said a confident Karl Rove, Perry's diety campaign manager
The universe has gone without a God (or at least one that you can actually see) for an estimated 3000 to 10 billion years, depending on whether you talk to a creationist or an evolutionist.
“The position has been vacant because we just never really had the right candidate from the Republican party,” said Rove.
“You mean no one from the Democratic party was ever considered?” I asked Rove.
“Of course not,” Rove said dismissively. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
In fact, in the annals of time, only four individuals have run for God, according to “Campaigns for God” historian, I.C. Yadick.
I.C. Yadick, Campaign for God historian
“Jesus, Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, and J. Edgar Hoover are the only people who have ever actually ran for God,” confirmed Yadick. ”Jesus probably came closest to winning but took himself out of the running when a charge of nepotism was levied against him. He knew that if he had continued his campaign, the press would have crucified him. Caesar, on the other hand, had to drop out of the God race when they found out he had sex with more men than women. As for Bonaparte, well, he was French. What else can I say. And of course if Hoover had won, it would have been the first time that God wore women’s clothes. That would not have been tolerated…especially by deep south Evangelicals.”
He ran for God but the press crucified him for nepotism
Ladies attire kept him from the top spot
“What about Perry,” I asked the historian. ”What sort of chances do you give him?”
“In the 21st century? I’d say he has as good a chance as any. He’s lily-white, he’s jingoistic, he seems to be a man’s man, he hates illegal immigrants and liberals, he would just as soon do away with education in the world as we know it, and he sure as shit would like to see all social programs and the poor and underprivileged that they serve be sent on a slow boat to China. Yea, I would say he’s a perfect candidate for God….especially in America. And it sure doesn’t hurt that he already has a God complex. If he were to win, he can just start ramming himself down people’s throats from one end of the universe to another.”
"The universe needs a man's man to be God.....not some pussy. We don't want a pussy God anymore," said Perry at a recent fundraiser.
Perry said he’ll began fund raising for God in October as he plans to make visits to the Bible Belt, The Vatican, and Heaven….if he can find it. Fund raising experts estimate that he will need between 750 billion and a trillion dollars to wage a strong campaign. Some of those funds he hopes to get from the divine intervention that he expects to happen at the Houston Day of Prayer on August 9th which promises to be a busy week for the Governor as he’s scheduled to deny stays of execution for at least four Texas inmates scheduled to die that very same week.
Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!
Family Values Feud, where one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!
Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!
Pope "Ben" Benedict
“HI LADIES AND GERMS!”
((hahahahahahahahaahahahaha))!!!!
“Are you ready to play Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”
((YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA))!!!
“…THEN LET’S GO !!! On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”
((WOO WOO WOO))) ((APPLAUSE))) !!
“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!! Which team is most Pro-Life? We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category. By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”
“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”
Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life
Pawlenty: “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”
Perry: “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it. But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death. Especially when an election is coming up.”
Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death
Romney: ”I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am. Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”
Pope Ben: ”Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann! Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”
Santorum: ”I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life. Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”
Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud
Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”
Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose
Pope Ben: “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”
Gingrich: “Ahh, well I’m that too.”
Bachmann: ”Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”
Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”
“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2. Our next Pro Life question is this: Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”
“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”
Gingrich: “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours. And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”
Bachmann: “What’s jerking off?”
Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life. There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”
Pope Ben: and Team Pawlenty?”
Perry: “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”
Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked, young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”
Romney: Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”
Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”
“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner. At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages. Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are. The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud. So….HERE WE GO! Vanna, please take the measurements.”
Vanna: “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”
((APPLAUSE APPLAUSE))!!!!
…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”
((BOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOO))!!
“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”
((CHEER))!!!!!
Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”
Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”
“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”
((BOOOOOOO))!
Pope Ben: “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”
((DRUM ROLL))!!
…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”
Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”
2011 promises to be a fine year…with a number of certainties or near-certainties, to include…
…Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, a woman trapped in a man’s body for his entire adult life will use campaign funds to finally realize his sex change….becoming “Midge” McConnell…
…Eric Cantor ditches his wife of a number of years to say “I do” to his true love, Kevin Federline (whom he met at a Britney Spears concert in D.C. two years ago)…
Cantor demonstrates what he wants out of life
Kevin, since leaving Britney, has put on the fat that Eric loves
…Clarence Thomas and Michael Steele revive the roles of the famous 50′s comic duo of Amos and Andy as they bring the these lovable characters to the big screen. Here’s a clip from the new show with Thomas playing the fat guy and Steele playing the skinny, weasely guy:
…concurrently, Jim DeMint will realize HIS lifelong dream by playing his boyhood idol, Al Jolson, in the Columbia, South Carolina theater production of “The Good Ol’ Days….When Negros Knew Their Place, and We Knew Ours.”
DeMint in "black face" with Al Jolson on the right
…Jon Kyl and Jeff Sessions will have butt sex…..again (nothing new here except for the fact that they move their “action” to Sessions Senate office).
"Will you wear the thong I gave you tonight, for me?"
…through with politics (or politics through with her), Christine O’Donnell’s ass will become as big as a barn as she won’t be able to stop eating in 2011.
:
Favorite foods:
this.....and....
...that
…new Tea Party members of Congress will get busted for organizing pee parties (previously known as “golden showers”) and attempt to justify their actions by claiming to be “pissed off” at politics as usual…
"Ah hereby offer mah support fo the Pee Par...err, ah mean, TEA PARTY!"
…in death, Ronald Reagan will continue to make more of a post-Presidential difference than in life…
…after a grueling election loss in Nevada, Sharron Angle will recharge her batteries with a six-week vacation to her native Uranus….
Better to have Sharron in Uranus than my anus
…Republican Mike Pence will be made an honorary Brownie Scout for all of his behind-the-scenes work with little girls (he will also be arrested for all of his “behind the scenes” work with little girls)….
…Glenn Beck will have penis enlargement surgery to increase his size from two to three inches…
…Disgraced Senator Larry Craig will be back in the public eye with a new singing trio known as the “Smoking Poles” that includes Lindsey Graham and Mark Foley. Craig will sing baritone and play the skin flute, Graham will play the gristle whistle, while Foley will go solo on the schlong dong. The trio already has a hit record on Capitol Hill Records, “Bend Over Rover…and let Boner Come Over”…dedicated to John Boehner…
…and speaking of the new Speaker, in an effort to prevent a law from passing that will prevent millions of poor children in America from going hungry and dying of malnutrition, Boehner will carry out the first-ever “crying” filibuster and plans to cry for a straight 16 hours…
…word will get out that Texas Governor Rick Perry wears women’s lingerie…which somehow makes him even MORE popular in Texas…
Underneath that manly man are some of Victoria's best Secrets
…Haley Barbour will admit to the worst kept secret in recent history…that he is Grand Dragon of a resurgent KKK…
...uh, make that the Grand "DRAGON"
The worst things to ever have been introduced in America: 1.) New Coke, 2.) AIDS, 3.) Sarah Palin, and 4.) Christianity....not in that particular order (3 of 4 are still with us and 3 of 4 are a cancer)
…and Sarah Palin will continue to prosper thanks to her proud citizenship of the dumbest industrialized nation on earth…
“We couldn’t be more excited!!!!!” said an exuberant Gov. Rick Perry.
Gov Rick Perry, Texas Governor and Renowned Gilipollas
“It took an entire team effort but, gosh darn it, we did it!!!” said an elated Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys.
Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys Owner and Consummate Asshole
“A proud moment and something I can really sink my spurs into,” said a proud J.R. Ewing.
J.R. Ewing, Texas Oil Man and Poet Laureate
It’s been a long time coming but the great Lone Star state has reached another proud milestone in its illustrious history…..
Texas has finally made the death penalty a spectator sport.
“The inaugural season will kick off right after the last weekend of football so as to avoid any sort of conflict with our number one spectator sport,” said Texas Sports Information Director, I. C. Yadick. “But we figure after a couple of seasons of spectator death penalty, we’ll give football a run for its money in terms of overall revenue earnings.”
“The season will run from mid-January through September…just before football season,” said Jones. “We plan to run death penalty events in my new Cowboy’s stadium which, as you know, is the largest stadium in the NFL seating more than 101 thousand. We’ve already sold out the first season.”
“Oh, I say we already have about 100 condemned prisoners lined up for death-penalty events in stadiums in Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, and El Paso,” said C. Mike Rack, Texas President of Prison Wardens. “We’re looking forward to doing our part in raising all important revenue for this great state.”
“Tickets will range from $10 in upper decks to more than $200.00 for owners box seats which will include buffet gourmets and half naked women with pasties on their tits,” added Yadick. “We’ll have marching bands at half-time and we hope to bring in some top-notch entertainment like Lee Greenwood and Lynard Skynard.”
Governor Rick Perry says this joint venture with the state and the sports industry of Texas is projected to bring in more than 500 million annually, after expenses, and all of it will go towards continuing the ongoing endeavor to do away with books, the theater, museums, and any other endeavors aimed at enhancing culture. “We hope ‘Death Penalty-Live’ will be the beginning of the end of all of that,” added a glowing Perry.
Perry at a press conference admitting he likes wearing women's lingerie and loves having people executed
Texas Governor Rick Perry, in the race of his life as he runs for re-election against Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, saw his poll number spike upward after admitting he wears women’s panties, pumps, and even an occasional brassiere.
“I was pretty surprised when my numbers went up,” said Perry. “Given the history of this state being macho with big strapping well-hung cowboys, I would have expected my numbers to nose dive.”
When asked why he chose to disclose his peculiarities in the midst of the fight of his life, Perry said he was surprised to learn that a good majority of men in Texas also wore women’s clothes. “We conducted a straw poll recently asking people how they felt about the myth of global warming, how much they enjoyed seeing people put to death via capital punishment, when they would most like to secede from the union…next year or right now and, for men only, how often they donned women’s lingerie and we were stunned to see 80 percent of the male respondents state that they dress in women’s panties and the like three to five times a week…sometimes more.”
Waco resident, Elmer Wayne Henley confirmed those numbers. “Absolutely I support the Governor and now more than ever since he and I have one more thing in common. I mean, he’s the kind of man I can have a pink grapefruit cassis martini with. And to know he sports panties and pumps like me, just makes me feel that much closer to him.”
Perry supporter, Elmer Wayne Henley
When asked whether how he feels about some people viewing him as a poofster or a sissy, Perry said, “I don’t know anyone in MY state that views me that way. I mean, if I were a sissy I would believe that global warming is man made or that capital punishment is a bad thing. I think Texas will always be behind me on the issue of killing people because most Texans love to kill people as much as I do. If you want to talk about sissies, look no further than the LAST guy we had as Governor. He expressed remorse once over somebody he had executed. You’ll never hear a syllable of remorse uttered from my lips. “
Senator Hutchinson wears ceremonial Senate mask
Perry now enjoys a 20 percentage point lead, up from just eight points last week, in his race for re-election. “I plan to make wearing women’s lingerie a major issue going into the election,” he said. “And I plan to encourage other men to do the same.” And if Kay Bailey Hutchinson doesn’t like it…she can go f**k herself. And you know what, they can take away my women’s panties and brassiere when they pry them from my cold, dead fingers.”
