Tag Archives: Larry Craig

My Predictions for 2011….and They Ain’t Pretty

Posted on January 2, 2011 by | 56 Comments

2011 promises to be a fine year…with a number of certainties or near-certainties, to include…

…Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, a woman trapped in a man’s body for his entire adult life will use campaign funds to finally realize his sex change….becoming “Midge” McConnell…

…Eric Cantor ditches his wife of a number of years to say “I do” to his true love, Kevin Federline (whom he met at a Britney Spears concert in D.C. two years ago)…

Cantor demonstrates what he wants out of life

Kevin, since leaving Britney, has put on the fat that Eric loves

…Clarence Thomas and Michael Steele revive the roles of the famous 50′s comic duo of Amos and Andy as they bring the these lovable characters to the big screen.  Here’s a clip from the new show with Thomas playing the fat guy and Steele playing the skinny, weasely guy:

…concurrently, Jim DeMint will realize HIS lifelong dream by playing his boyhood idol, Al Jolson, in the Columbia, South Carolina theater production of  “The Good Ol’ Days….When Negros Knew Their Place, and We Knew Ours.”

DeMint in "black face" with Al Jolson on the right

…Jon Kyl and Jeff Sessions will have butt sex…..again (nothing new here except for the fact that they move their “action” to Sessions Senate office).

"Will you wear the thong I gave you tonight, for me?"

…through with politics (or politics through with her), Christine O’Donnell’s ass will become as big as a barn as she won’t be able to stop eating in 2011.

:

Favorite foods:

this.....and....

...that

…new Tea Party members of Congress will get busted for organizing pee parties (previously known as “golden showers”) and attempt to justify their actions by claiming to be “pissed off” at politics as usual…

"Ah hereby offer mah support fo the Pee Par...err, ah mean, TEA PARTY!"

…in death, Ronald Reagan will continue to make more of a post-Presidential difference than in life…

…after a grueling election loss in Nevada, Sharron Angle will recharge her batteries with a six-week vacation to her native Uranus….

Better to have Sharron in Uranus than my anus

…Republican Mike Pence will be made an honorary Brownie Scout for all of his behind-the-scenes work with little girls (he will also be arrested for all of his “behind the scenes” work with little girls)….

…Glenn Beck will have penis enlargement surgery to increase his size from two to three inches…

…Disgraced Senator Larry Craig will be back in the public eye with a new singing trio known as the “Smoking Poles” that includes Lindsey Graham and Mark Foley.  Craig will sing baritone and play the skin flute, Graham will play the gristle whistle, while Foley will go solo on the schlong dong.  The trio already has a hit record on Capitol Hill Records, “Bend Over Rover…and let Boner Come Over”…dedicated to John Boehner…

…and speaking of the new Speaker,   in an effort to prevent a law from passing that will prevent millions of poor children in America from going hungry and dying of malnutrition,  Boehner will carry out the first-ever “crying” filibuster  and plans to cry for a straight 16 hours…

…word will get out that Texas Governor Rick Perry wears women’s lingerie…which somehow makes him even MORE popular in Texas…

Underneath that manly man are some of Victoria's best Secrets

…Haley Barbour will admit to the worst kept secret in recent history…that he is Grand Dragon of a resurgent KKK…

...uh, make that the Grand "DRAGON"

The worst things to ever have been introduced in America: 1.) New Coke, 2.) AIDS, 3.) Sarah Palin, and 4.) Christianity....not in that particular order (3 of 4 are still with us and 3 of 4 are a cancer)

…and Sarah Palin will continue to prosper thanks to her proud citizenship of the dumbest industrialized nation on earth…

Your predictions?

…

→ 56 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Singing Senators….Back in Business….Groooooooovy !

Posted on April 5, 2010 by | 2 Comments

Get ready….the Certified Card Carrying Grandmasters of Groovytown are back :  It’s the SINGING SENATORS !…or as they now prefer to be called, The Rustling Root Fluters of Capitol Hill.

That’s right the old quartet, the Singing Senators, has re-formed under a new name and are ready to serenade America and turn on the ladies with their soft-steppin’ and groovy grooves   Three of the original members, retired Senators Trent Lott, Larry Craig, and John Ashcroft, are back and welcome a new member to the quartet of crooners…Senator John Ensign of Nevada.

The Rustling Root Fluters of Capitol Hill

“Not everyone wants to listen to old farts like the three of us,” said Lott, “so we went out and heavily recruited John Ensign to bring in the young, happening crowd and, of course, the ladies…hahahahahahaaha.  I mean, this Ensign sprout is a real swinging dick don’t you think?  What’d YOU think Larry?” asked Lott motioning towards his long-time and original Singing Senators partner, Larry Craig.

Eye candy, John Ensign, newest member of the Root Fluters of Capitol Hill

“I dunno,”   said Craig.  “I have yet to see him ‘perform’ in the bathroom….hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!”

“Just like the old Larry,” reminisced Ashcroft.  “Larry was always the cut-up.”

“You know how women like to throw their panties on stage at Tom Jones, right?” asked Lott.  “Well with Ensign, we think they’ll be taking them off for us too…well, all of us except Larry…hahahahahahahahahahaha.”

Former "Singing Senators" with agent Amanda Doomy

“Fuck you Trent,” said a jocular Larry.  “Hahahahahahahaha”

“You sure Larry?…hahahahahahahahaahahahaha.”

“Don’t tempt him Larry,” said Ashcroft jumping in.  “Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.”

“Bend over and say aaaahhh, John…hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha.”

“Blow me Larry…hahahahahahahahaahahahaha.”

“When, where, and HOW?  Hahahahahahahahaahahahaha.”

“Me know how…me want some!  Hahahahahahahahahahaahha.”

“Hahahahahaha…,” laughed Lott, catching his breath. “Ohhhhhhhh it’s great to have the old gang back together again. I love you guys!”

“Really?” said Craig.  “Is that a banana in your pocket or do you really, really love me?  Hahahahahahahahaha.”

The crooning quartet will perform all their usual blind patriotic and jingoistic favorites but have added a whole new set to their repertoire.

“We’ll cover the spectrum with songs like ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport,’ ‘The Unicorn,’ ‘Proud to be an American,’ ‘Kumbaya,’ and ‘This is My Country,’” said Craig.  “But we’ll be reaching out to more of hip, younger set with young men in hot, tight jeans with sweaty biceps and bulging, rippling muscles all over their gorgeous bodies, with songs like ‘You Light Up My Life,’ ‘Put Your Hand in the Hand,’ and ‘Funkytown.’”

The Singing Senators....now known as the Rustling Root Fluters of Capitol Hill

“Don’t forget the Negro spirituals that we’ll do in black face,” Lott reminded Craig.  “After all, we have a Negro President so we have to do a little of that stuff too,” lamented Lott.

“But not much of the spirituals, I hope,” added Ashcroft.  “After all, we’ve only had like one minority who’s ever attended one of our shows…and he was just a janitor or something, wasn’t he Trent?  Anyway, wait’ll you see our Amos and Andy skits.  You haven’t lived till you’ve seen Larry Craig play a jive-talking Negro…hahahahahahahahahaahah.”

The former Singing Senators, now known as the Rustling Root Fluters of Capitol Hill will go on tour starting in June playing the following venues:

June 15:  Teabagger Rally- North Platte, Nebraska (Whites Only)

June 23:  Teabagger Emporium-Oklahoma City (Whites Only)

June 29:  Teabagger Jamboree-Las Cruces, New Mexico (Whites Only….a few Hispanic-types by special invitation)

July 4:     Teabagger 4th of July Special-Colorado Springs (Whites Only, of course)

Disclaimer:  The Singing Senators, aka The Rustling Root Fluters of Capitol Hill, served for more than three decades as a  front for a male prostitution ring started by Strom Thurmond in 1962 and continued by various Senators over the years to include three of the four current Singing Senators, Craig, Ashcroft, and Lott, who all deny any current involvement in this alleged ring.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , , ,

Larry Craig Arrested for Soliciting Sex….at the Oscars

Posted on March 8, 2010 by | 6 Comments

Former Idaho Senator, and recovering pedophile, Larry Craig is at it again…this time getting caught toe-tapping at, of all places, the main bathroom at the Oscars.  Senator Craig was quickly arrested and dragged away by Hollywood police after his toe tapping raised suspicions of an alert Macaulay Culkin, a has-been former child actor who was on hand only because he was invited to take part in a  cheesy tribute to recently deceased director of shitty movies, John Hughes.

Sex Offender, Larry Craig

“Jesus H. Christ….can’t a former child actor take a shit anymore without getting hassled…especially in the men’s bathroom at the fucking Oscars for god’s sake?” said a distraught Culkin.  “I was in one stall pinching a loaf and I see this right foot wearing a wing-tip getting closer and closer to my stall until the tip of it is actually UNDERNEATH my stall invading my space man.   And then it starts to tap like fucking morse code or something.  I’ve seen this kind of thing before so I pretty much knew what he wanted.  Anyway, I busted outta there like my ass was on fire and went out and told some rent-a-cop who was outside and he alerted the police and they come in and grab this old fucker who, by then, was like cowering in the last stall.   Rattled?  Fuck yeah I was rattled…why do you think I did so shitty on my portion of the tribute to Hughes?”

McCaulay Calkin

Craig was found in the bathroom with his J.C. Penney slacks pulled down to his knees.  He was wearing boxer shorts and, when arrested, was reported to have said repeatedly, “I AM NOT GAY…..I AM NOT GAY.” He then pulled out his now-defunct business card from when he was still a U.S. Senator and was heard to say, “What do you think about that?”  Craig was also overheard explaining that he has a habitual wide stance that has caused him problems for years when he has been in bathroom stalls throughout the country.

Craig, in Hollywood bathroom before being arrested

“There’s a good explanation for every blow job I’ve both received and given from and to other men,” Craig told Hollywood police.  “And I  can attest to the fact that I have never, ever porked another man in the ass while in an airport bathroom and I had no intention of doing so at the Oscars.”

Offending stall where Larry Craig was found cowering

When asked why the fuck he was at the Oscars to begin with, Craig said he was just passing by, had a sudden urge for a blow job…..err…to take a wholesome shit, and just wandered in.

“It was just a fluke thing,” Craig said.  “Calkin overreacted.  He’s probably a Democrat.”

Craig remains in a Hollywood jail on $5000.00 bail.  Thus far, no one has given any indication that they will help bail him out.  He is due to stand trial on April 15th.

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Fuck me!!, Stranger Than Truth

Tagged

Larry Craig Finds His True Calling….Working With Young Boys

Posted on March 2, 2010 by | 7 Comments

One of America’s most colorful public servants,  former Idaho Senator Larry Craig,   who served in the U.S. Senate with honor in addition to singing tenor in the fun-loving barbershop quartet, the Singing Senators, and gave and received more than a thousand blow jobs in airport bathrooms throughout the United States, announced today that he will serve as a boy scout leader for the local Boise, Idaho troop.

Scout Leader and Former Senator Larry Craig

“I’m as proud and as horny as I’ve ever been,” said an elated Senator Craig.  It’s like heaven on earth to have the opportunity to be around boys ages 11-15.  Do you realize how big our troop is?  There’s over 300 hot, sweaty, muscular, young bodies I’ll have to choose from at scout meetings, camp outs, jamborees, rallies, BBQ’s, you name it.  I’m so excited I like walk around with this perpetual boner all the time.  Pretty good for an old man, don’t you think?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

“Well, we knew of Senator Craig’s  past and, as good Christians, we sure didn’t feel right at holding his past against him,”  said Scout Master Heywood Jablowme.  “I’m a Christian and I believe in redemption.   I don’t think a man should have to walk around with a heavy burden all his life, being the good Christian that I am.  It’s not Senator Craig’s fault that he couldn’t carry a note in his barbershop quartet.  Say, did I mention that I’m a good Christian?”

Scout master and Good Christian, Haywood Jablowme

As for the scouts, most were non-committal over Senator Craig coming on board but young Tenderfoot scout, Willie B. Hardigan was plenty opinionated.  “That f**ker gives me the creeps,” said Willie.  He leers at us…usually at our crotches.  And he’s pasty and fat and has shitty breath which I know because he talks to us really, really close like he wants to kiss us.  I think he does want to kiss us.  I’ve even caught him beating off a couple of times in the bathroom.  I really hate that guy and I’m sorry they let him into our troop.  I’ll probably quit which is no big deal because the scouts is total bullshit anyway.  I only joined to get pussy before I found out that that all the pussy is in the girl scouts and they’re way across town.  Pretty much everybody feels the same as me except for the nerdy f**kers who everybody hates.  They’re usually the ones who do good in scouts and shitty at school and they’re probably the ones that Mr. Craig will end up boning.”

Tenderfoot Scout, Willie B. Hardigan

“All I can say is this give me new purpose in life,” added Senator Craig.  “I’m going to be around those boys as much as I can showing them things they never thought they would see.  My god it’s good to be invigorated.”

→ 7 Comments

Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

Tagged

Rogue’s Gallery

Posted on February 16, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Year: 2400
Place: Museum of Ancient Politicians
Location: Washington D.C.

…one Saturday afternoon, Jimmy and his dad visit the museum..

“What’s that section daddy?”

“Why son, that’s the “Politicians who Did Good Things” section…”

“And what about that section daddy?”

“Well son, that’s the “Rogue’s Gallery” made up of a party called Republicans…..You’re probably too young for that and….”

“Oh daddy pullllleezze!!!”

“OK, son….but if you start to get scared we need to leave….”

“Look daddy….it says here on this plaque…..”This section represents a party with no purpose….enter with caution”

“Yes son….it’s true…..they were all bad”

“Oooh who’s that daddy?”

“Why son, that’s a sordid, wretched man named Tom Delay….”

“And who’s that daddy?!”

“Son….that’s David Vitter…a man who dabbled in the flesh trade. He died many years ago at the hands of a prostitute.”

“And who’s that statue, daddy, of a man sitting on a toilet with a wide stance?!?!”

“Ahhh son…that’s none other the infamous Larry Craig, aka ‘The Foot Tapper.’ We’ll talk more about him when you get a little older.”

“And why are those two locked at the hip daddy?”

“Why that would be Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham …and the reason they’re locked at the hip is because…..well, that’s something else I can’t get into. Son, I think we’ve had enough fright night for the day. How ’bout some ice cream????”

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

Tagged , , , ,