After much rancor and debate, some of it leading to violence that cost the lives of at least five backwater, inbred Christian hillbillies, major legislation was passed on Monday in the Bayou State that changes the phrase, “God, Guts, and Guns” to “Guns, God, and Guts.”
“There were a lot of strong feelings on this issue these past three years,” said Piyush “Bobby” Jindal, the mop-haired 18-year old Governor of the backwater state. ”Lives were lost, marriages were broken, and life-long friendships ended over this issue. “
What started out in 2007 as somewhat docile, quickly escalated to nearly civil war proportions. It was in 2007 at the Harry Azcrac First Presbyterian Church that church deacon, Buster Himen, proposed a statewide change in the famous phase, “God, Guts and Guns” to “Guns, God, and Guts.”
“The way ah figured things, we need guns to protect our God…cause we wouldn’t have a God without guns and, of course, we have guts cause we have guns. So I figure guns oughta come before God in that phrase….not that guns are more important than God…but it’s because I need my gun to make sure I can keep my God, got it?”
As things turned out, millions of Louisiana’s DID get it. The problem is, millions also didn’t (get it).
“Himan is an atheist as far as I’m concerned,” said Fudd G. Packer of the Craven Moorehead Holy Trinity Church of the Fuckheads located across town. ”God should never, ever come second in that phrase….or second to anything else for that matter. We need God to protect our guns….not the other way around…and I think it takes guts to make sure that God stays in front of guns in that phrase.”
…and the rest is history. What initially started as a war of words between the two churches erupted into violence as the members of the two churches met in the streets on Sundays before church armed with bibles, baseball bats, and lots and lots of guns.
“I’ve never seen such hatred,” said Louisiana State police officer, Mike Rotchburns. ”We lost two hayseeds on the first Sunday and three crackers on the second. I hate to see people hurt and killed over something like this but this is war as far as the Louisiana people are concerned and we all believe in fighting for a good cause.”
“Do you have an opinion on this issue yourself, officer Rotchburns?” Southpaw asked.
“Well, I think God is important to having guns but I think guns are necessary to make sure we protect God so I kind of think that God and guns are interchangeable. I love my God….but I love my guns. I guess you could say, I love my God and guns equally….and I would never let anyone take away my God or guns unless they pried them from my cold dead fingers.”
“Himan just THINKS he’s won,” said Packer. ”But I’ll be goddamn if I’m gonna allow him to put guns before my God….not that I don’t love guns, which I do. God, do I love guns…but guns should not ever be before God no matter how much one loves guns. Man must love God and guns but man must love God a little more than guns….not THAT much more, just a little more.”
Meanwhile, peripheral issues as child hunger, 13 percent unemployment, and one of the poorest educational systems in the world remain on hold until this major issue can be resolved once and for all.
“We’ll get to those other things eventually. But nothing comes before GOD, Guns, and Guts.”
“You must mean, Guns, God, and Guts,” said Himan overhearing Packer.