A retarded Christian California construction worker, Gary Brooks Faulkner, age 43, was detained in Northern Pakistan by Pakistani police who say Faulkner told them he was on a one-man mission from God to kill Osama Bin Laden and, afterward, meet Elvis Presley who, according to an account that Faulkner told Pakistan police, is alive and holed up in the mountains on the Afghan and Pakistan border.
Christian retard, Gary Faulkner
“When he told us he wanted to meet with Osama and to kill him we all laughed…but when he mentioned Elvis, the laughing stopped,” said police officer, Mohammad-Chaka Kahn.
Mohammad Chaka Kahn
Like most mentally-retarded Christians, Faulkner is a huge, life-long Elvis fan who just also happens to hate Osama Bin Laden and claims to be on a mission from God to kill him. But despite his handicap, the retarded man was still able to make it all the way to the Pakistan-Afghan border with his 400 pound booty in tow.
The King upon arriving in Afghanistan in 1977
“We looked in Faulkner’s knapsack which weighed a fucking ton,” said Chaka Kahn. “And you wouldn’t believe what was in it. He had a pistol, a sword, a dagger, night vision equipment, 16 hand grenades, a surface to air missile launcher, four nuclear war heads, 150 sticks of dynamite, and 18 canisters of deadly nerve gas. This, of course seemed somewhat suspicious to us until we also found he had a bunch of Elvis records, a Kate Smith record of ‘God Bless America,’ a bag of hashish, the Best of Hustler from 1998 and ’00 which I confiscated because I’ve been trying to get my hands on those two editions for at least six years, about 16 bibles and a bunch of other religious shit. But when we found like six of these giant peanut butter, banana, and burnt bacon sandwiches on loaves of French bread, we knew this guy was deadly serious about meeting with ‘The King,’” said Chaka Kahn.
Elvis before....and now
“The King?” Southpaw asked Kahn.
“Elvis, you idiot….he lives right there in that cave….right over there,” said Chaka Kahn pointing at a cave about 100 yards away. “The fat motherfucker has been there since August of ’77. I was just a kid when he moved in and since then I think I’ve heard every Elvis song ever recorded coming out of that cave.”
Elvis, now joined by Gary, has been holed up in here since '77
♪♫Lord Almighty,
I feel my temperature rising
Higher higher
It’s burning through to my soul
Girl, girl, girl
You gonna set me on fire
My brain is flaming
I don’t know which way to go
I’m just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
♪♫
“Arrggh….YOU HEAR THAT?!?!” groaned Chaka Kahn. “Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week he pipes that shit out of that cave. I have no idea where Osama is but I sure as fuck know where Elvis is. He’s right there,” said Chaka Kahn pointing to the cave again.
The King meets Saddamn on his way to Afghanistan
“We took away Faulkner’s Hustlers and hashish but let him keep the weapons and just let him go and, as far as I know, he’s been up there with Elvis ever since. God knows what they’re doing but I don’t care as long as they’re not doing it down here. I just wish God had sent him on a mission to kill ‘The King’ instead of Osama….then I wouldn’t have had to listen to this”:
♪♫ Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! HIS TRUUTH IS MAARRRCHING OOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!”♪♫
The King's Taliban Dog, Elvis Ahmet Preslistan
