Shortly after he endorsed the U.S. Chamber of Commerce idea of having Americans pick up the tab for the BP oil spill in the Gulf, U.S House of Representatives Minority Leader John Boehner was caught pounding his pud in one of the House bathrooms and was caught doing so by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger who was in town to advocate for California’s Proposition 14.
“It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever witnessed and I’ve witnessed some disgusting things in my days,” said Schwarzenegger. “How dare he want the taxpayer to pay for the oil spill!!”
“Yea Governor, but what about Rep. Boehner getting caught by you tugging his tapioca tube right in the men’s bathroom and all?” asked Southpaw
“What about it?” replied Arnie
“Don’t you find THAT disgusting?” I asked
“Hey, as far as I’m concerned he was just letting off some steam and taking matters into his own hands. Besides, most of us have indulged from time to time in pulling the Col Sanders Heimlich maneuver.”
“Including you, Governor?” I asked. “Reports have it that you were caught beating off in the stall next to his.”
“Mine was just a five minute rubdown,” rationalized Arnie. “Boehner’s was a full-fledged beat down. I mean, he was hammering his love steak like there was no tomorrow.”
Schwarzenegger was surprised to hear that this is not the first time Rep. Boehner has been caught holding his sausage hostage in a Congressional bathroom.
“You mean he’s been caught on a date with Handrea and Palmela before?” asked a stunned Arnold.
“Yes Governor…documentation that we’re privy to reports that Rep Boehner, on one occasion, has been busted for having an arm-wrestle with a one-eyed vessel, doing the long stroke on another, driving the skin bus in December of last year, fist kebabing a month and a half later, playing the one-string guitar in April of this year, and just last month playing peek-a-boo with Mr. Johnson.
“Hey, I’ve pud wrestled and shook hands with Yul Brenner with the best of them but I’m at least more discreet about it,” said the Governor. “Boehner acts like he doesn’t even care.”
That’s because he doesn’t care. So long as this serial masturbator is only given a slap on the wrist each time he commits another offense, he will continue to masturbate with impunity.
“What’s the world coming to?” lamented Schwarzenegger rhetorically.