Tag Archives: Arianna Huffington

Arianna Blows Away Previous Record of Most Appearances on Pundit TV Shows

Posted on February 13, 2011 by | 38 Comments

The air was celebratory back stage after Ariana’s appearance on this morning’s This Week with Christiane Amanpour marking her 786th straight appearance on a pundit TV program breaking the previous mark of 785  held by James Carville.  Referring to the recent youthful uprising in Egypt as a “potential tinderbox in the Middle East,” Ms. Huffington also broke the record, previously held by New York Times Columnist Thomas Friedman for mundane, pointless, and  useless cliches used by a bloviating, wind-bag of hot-air on Sunday morning talk shows filled with people who talk and talk and talk and talk but don’t listen to a syllable of what others are saying.

Who loves her, baby!? Everyone!

A host of hangers-on, suck-ups, publicity hounds, narcissists, gadflies, ne’er-do-wells, and has-beens, to include Chris Matthews, Tony Robbins, Ivana Trump,  various Elvis impersonators, Jeff Conaway (of Grease fame…but nothing since then), the cast of Who’s the Boss, rejects from various seasons of episodes of Survivor and Dancing with the Stars, and others ogled Arianna as they dined on lobster and arugula and boogied to the “live” music of Kool and the Gang (now in their late 60′s) who jammed on Celebration.

Arianna backstage with what's left of The Bangles and A Flock of Seagulls

“HEY ARIANNA….DO EVA GABOR AGAIN!!!” screamed out a drunken Conaway.

“Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue!”

“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” laughed the crowd of adoring fans, to include Vanilla Ice, members of Flock of Seagulls, and other 80′s synthopop stars who haven’t had a hit record in more than 24 years.

Arianna laughs it up with Whoopie, Baba, and the rest of the adoring cast of The View

After hundreds of appearances on George Stephanopoulos, David Gregory, Chris Matthews, Chris Wallace, Bob Schieffer, Keith Olberman, Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, Ed Schultz, Dan Abrams, Cooper Anderson, and every medium and small-market hack TV personality on both sides of the Mississippi, Arianna, who has now been on the road for two and a half years, finally broke Carville’s coveted record.

“GIVE US ANOTHER CLICHE Arianna you whore!!!!” screamed an inebriated and now out-of-control Conaway.

A fucked-up Conaway had to be hauled off by security

“I never thought this record would be broken,” said Matthews, on whose show, Hardball, Arianna appeared more than 123 times in her run up to the record.  “I figured there would be a better chance of someone breaking the home run record again…but if anyone could do it, it’s Arianna….because practically no one is as full of hot air and shit as Arianna,” said Matthews pointedly excluding himself from such consideration.

Nobody knows who this chick is...but she loves Arianna....and that's all that matters

And that’s true.  A recent poll shows that everyone in the world loves Arianna.  In fact, in a cross-sectional poll taken across the United States and in selected countries around the world, not one person does not LOVE Arianna….which is just the way she wants it.

“I loved to be loved Dah-ling….I just love it.”

“Arianna…can I have your autograph?” asked Todd Bridges of Diff’rent Strokes fame (who, by the way, has been looking for work since around 1983 in case you know of anyone who’s hiring)

Todd Bridges was on hand for "The Event." "Sure beats the streets," said Bridges, who hasn't worked in nearly 30 years

“Of course Dah-ling….do you love me?”

“Love you?” gushed Bridges….  “I worship you!”

“Uhhh Arianna…do you have a minute to answer a couple of questions?”  asked Southpaw.

“Of course Dah-ling?…but first how much do you love me?”

“Uhhhh lots…..I guess.”

“Of course Dah-ling…everyone does.   What would you like to know?”

“Well, I was just wondering…while you been appearing on like 786 shows in a row all over the place and getting all this attention, were you aware that your blog has gone to the shitter and is now being essentially taken hostage by the right? Plus they now have these ridiculous badges that nobody likes, Community Pundit designations, and it seems no one has anything to say anymore because all they care about is fanning and  being fanned.  What’s happened to your blog, Arianna?”

Arianna cracks up the crowd..."What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG !" "Ahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha," laughed her worshiping fans high on mai tais and nose candy

“Dah-ling, what blog are you talking about?  Now, I really have to get back to my worshiping fans Dah-ling who love and adore me.”

Congratulations go out to Arianna for her record of 786 straight appearances on pundit TV.  She says she has no plans to slow down and is already booked to appear on pundit TV in Spain, France, Germany, Thailand, Japan, Bangledesh, Iceland, and 40 other countries.  Plus she’ll begin rehearsal soon in the role of “Lisa Douglas,” originally played by Eva Gabor, in the Broadway production of Green Acres which is set to open this month on Broadway.

→ 38 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , ,

Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell to Join Arianna’s Editorial Staff

Posted on February 7, 2011 by | 14 Comments

Fresh from their respective Senate beatings, Arianna wasted no time snapping up the skills of Angle and O’Donnell adding both of the widely acclaimed writers  to her staff.

“Today is a big day at Huffington Post,”  announced Ms. Huffington.  “First, we were able to further assimilate with corporate America by merging with AOL.  And late this afternoon we were able to make an agreement in principle to join ranks with Rupert Murdoch and Fox News who have agreed to allow me to co-host my own one-hour program which will air weeknights at 8 est and is tentatively entitled Hannity and Huffington and will feature light-hearted banter between right-winger Hannity and right-winger turned progressive turned moderate and turning right-winger, myself. “

Arianna reverts back to old beliefs, old styles, and her old way of life. "I'm back dah-ling," she announces..."and better than ever."

…”and finally I’m so proud to announce the addition of a couple of extraordinarily talented ladies in Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell to our already talented writing staff.”

Angle will now "take aim" at her enemies from her perch at Huffington Post

Angle and O’Donnell will join a staff already consisting of Tucker Carlson, Frank Luntz, John  Fund, and P.J. O’Rourke.  Huffington refused to disclose what Angle and O’Donnell’s specific duties will be but an undisclosed source said that O’Donnell will probably feature a column on abstinence and Ouija Boards.  The source said Angle will write on various Minuteman groups and other illegal alien border patrol vigilante groups and patriots of America.

O'Donnell reacts to the announcement of her selection as HP's newest staff writer....or is she just reacting to Frank Luntz passing gas...again?

“It’s a proud day at Huffington Post dah-ling,” beamed Ms. Huffington.  “It’s almost like the second coming of ‘The Contract with America,’” she said, waxing philosophically.

Rumor has it there's more than water in that ever-present "water" bottle...a lot more. "It's how I make it through the day dah-ling"

→ 14 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , , ,

(((BREAKING))): Piece of Shit, Look to the Left Reinstated by Huffington Post

Posted on October 7, 2010 by | 51 Comments

The biggest piece of shit to ever disgrace the pages of Huffington Post, Look to the Left, was reinstated today by moderator, Jolene, after two straight days of marathon negotiations involving all of Huffington Post’s rank and file leadership to include Arianna Huffington herself.

At approximately 2 this morning, Ms. Huffington placed a call to Look to the Left’s residence and told him he would be reinstated under one condition….that he declare the Lord Jesus Christ as his savior, which he did without hesitation.

“I have no problem with that,” Look to the Left told SPB.  “I was a life-long atheist but since I have no principles to begin with, I’ve become a Christian in order to make comments on Huffington Post.  I no longer want to be a piece of shit.  I just want to get along…be conciliatory…..make kind and gentle comments, and make my way through life doing the Lord’s work.”

Look to the Left has agreed to be baptized this weekend in the presence of Ms. Huffington at the Winston Hill Baptist Church in New Haven, Connecticut.

“Can we all just get along?” implored Look to the Left.  People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?” he went on, paraphrasing the words of the great Los Angeles philosopher, Rodney King.

→ 51 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , ,

HP Introduces More Badges on the Cusp of its Outrageous Success !

Posted on May 9, 2010 by | 24 Comments

Due to the overwhelming success of its new “badge” format that began a few weeks ago, Huffington Post has added even more badges to further deputize commenters it deems worthy of such authority.

The current “badge” format consists of the following:

Moderator Badge: Commenters who are better than other commenters and have authority to delete their comments

Superuser Badge:  Mid-level managers who have no authority but think they’re cool because they comment a lot

Networker Badges:  Meaningless token badges

Now Huffington Post is introducing the following new badges:

The “Gestapo” badge:  This badge that will be awarded to the rare commenter who is willing to rat out other commenters to Huffington Post which results in deletions, scrubbing, bannings and, ultimately, death.

Gestapo Badge

The “SS” badge:  For special commenters who believe in the supremacy of elite commenters and believe inferior commenters or those deemed undesirable or unworthy should be ethnically cleansed.

SS Badge

The “Major Roberto D’Aubuisson” badge, named after the late, great Salvadoran Army officer who founded the Nationalist Republican Alliance (ARENA), aka, Salvadoran right wing death squad, that he led from 1980 to 1985.  This badge is for those special commenters who want someone not just banned but killed.

Roberto D’Aubuisson Badge

“Dah-ling….ve are simply THRILLED at the success of our deputy badge program thus far,” gushed Huffington Post Chief Ariana Huffington.   “Out of thousands of commenters who have veen provided badges since ve began this program, ve have had not VONE complaint dah-ling….not vone.  In fact, it has, thus far, received a von hundred percent approval rating.”

Well, that’s not quite true, southpaw reminded Ms. Huffington.  There was the one guy who, during the first week of the badge program inception, bitched about the program calling it “elite”.

“Ahh, dah-ling…you must ve talking avout the username ‘Wedon’twantyourstinkingbadges.’   Hahahahahahaha…he was quite unhappy.  Simply an anomaly dah-ling.”

"I vant a commenter THIIIS big, dah-ling"

“Yea, but what happened to him,”  Southpaw asked Ms. Huffington, based on reports that Wedon’twantyourstinkingbadges failed to show for work after he bitched about the badge program and has not been seen by friends or family for more than 10 days.

“Why dah-ling….I’ve no idea vhat might have happened to this malcontent.  All I know is Huffington Post had nothing to do with the fact that Wedontwantyourstinkingbadges was found at the bottom of the San Clemente ravine.”

Wedontwantyourstinkingbadges shopping at Wal-Mart before disappearing altogether

“Hmmm,” said Southpaw….up to now no one, to include the police, knew of his whereabouts.”

“Hahahahahahahaha dah-ling, I’m so sorry….I misspoke.  I’ve no idea vhat happened to this poor,  unfortunate  young man.  But getting back to the topic at hand, ve are so looking forward to new Gestapo, SS, and Major Roberto D’Aubuisson badge recipients in our midst to help bring simply the vest product and customer service to our vonderful commenters every day.”


→ 24 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , ,

Green Acres Comes to Broadway !!!!

Posted on May 6, 2010 by | 5 Comments

♫♫

New York is where I’d rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♫♫

“Oh Dah-ling…I just love singing those lyrics,” gushed none other than Ariana Huffington who will soon make her Broadway debut in…..


Yep, YOU GUESSED IT !!   Hooterville is BACK….this time on BROADWAY !!!!

“Green Acres the Musical”  is coming to Broadway in September and stars none other than Ariana Huffington as the over-sexed and under-brained dipshit farm wife, Lisa Douglas, who’s married to Wall St. lawyer turned Hooterville boob-farmer extraordinaire, Oliver Wendell Douglas,  played by Donald Trump.

Dah-ling I love you vhat give me Park Avenue

“Dah-ling, this is just a natural role for me, don’t you think,” said Greek siren and Huffington Post publisher, Ariana Huffington.   “I look sooooo forward to this role and playing beside the Donald makes it so much more special don’t you think dah-ling?”

Fuck it...I'll do it

♫♫

Farm livin’ is the life for me.
Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

“Fuck me….if I’d known SHE was going to be in this thing I probably would have turned it down from the get-go,” said Trump.  “The chick and her phony bullshit accent pisses me off….but whatever, I’m a pro and I’ve been through worse.”

Hungarian hottie, Eva Gabor, played the original “Lisa Douglas” but was unavailable to return for the Broadway adaptation mostly because she’s 104 fucking years old.

Lisa and "Oli-Ferr" !

“Hungary, Greece, Spain, whatever….all the accents sound the same to me,” said director Stu Pendisdork.  Basically the first person who said ‘Dah-ling’ good was gonna get the part of Lisa….and Ariana was the first person who said it right…so she got it.”

Filling out the rest of the cast is Tom Delay as the carpetbagging, snake-oil selling sleaze-bag, “Mr. Haney,” Mitch McConnell and Michele Bachmann as next door neighbors Fred and Doris Ziffel, Eric Cantor as the farm hand, lame-brained idiot , Eb Dawson, and Sarah Palin as the Ziffel’s pig, Arnold.

Tom Delay as Mr. Haney

The original Mr. Haney

The original "Eb"

...and "Eb" 2010

♫♫

…The chores.
…The stores.
…Fresh air.
…Times Square

“Dah-ling this promises to be such a vonderful production and ve just can’t vait to get it on starting in September,” added Ariana.

The Broadway production of Green Acres will add some macabre twists that were not part of the original show.  For example, the Broadway show will have Fred Ziffel, played by McConnell, having a torrid love affair with Lisa; and Mr. Haney, played by Tom Delay, will have the side-bar issue of being a serial killer having killed more than 70 migrant farm workers (burying most of them under storekeep, Sam Drucker’s general store)  who were unlucky enough to wander into Hooterville looking for work.

Fred Ziffel

McConnell will play a wife-swapping Fred Ziffel

The original actress who played Doris Ziffel was unavailable for the part because she's been dead since 1979

Michele as Mrs. Ziffel 2010

The original Arnold the Pig will be played by Sarah Palin in the Broadway production

♫♫

You are my wife.
Good bye, city life.
Green Acres we are there

→ 5 Comments

Posted in If Walls Could Talk, Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , , , , , ,

New Commenter Badges on HP leads to Strife, Racism, Violence, Civil Unrest

Posted on May 3, 2010 by | 43 Comments

The new commenter badges instituted by Huffington Post has recently led to unexpected class  warfare, ala  French novelist Emile Zola’s portrayal of the bourgeois vs the proletariat, between those designated with Networker, Superuser, or Moderator badges….or the lowest class of all…those without ANY badges.

“We’re sick to shit of Superusers looking down their noses at us,” said Networker Mia Buttreeks….” but at least they don’t spit on us like the Moderators.  A bunch of us Networkers were down at the town square recently and some Moderators came along and began asking us for our identification and I know it was just based on how we were dressed.  Anyway, I told one of them to fuck off and he came at me with a baseball bat…and the next thing you know, all hell broke loose and there were just people kicking, and swinging, and punching everywhere you looked.”

Networker Mia Buttreeks w/ kid

As for the Superusers?  “They were just kind of standing around doing nothing and watching it all go down,” said Buttreeks.

To provide the proper historical context, Huffington Post recently created the badges as a way to divide commenters in the following classes:

Moderator:  The Bourgeois Elite users who should be regarded as better than anyone else

Superuser:  Mid-level managers who are arrogant but must suck up to Moderators

Networkers:  Low class proletariat grunt workers who dress the same and can be easily identified

Non-badges: Lowest of the low….users who have no rights, and are generally regarded as the pond scum bottom feeders

“WE even hate the “Non-badges”, said Buttreeks.  They’re street urchins,  thieves, and gypsies who smell really really bad.  You don’t want any moving in your neighborhood. “

Lowest of the low of classes: The Non-Badges

As for the Moderator’s recent campaign to I.D. check Networkers, Lar G. Rection said something has to be done to stop the flow of them coming across the border.

Moderator, Lar G. Rection..."We're just better than them, that's all"

“We’re not racists,” said Rection.  “Some of my closet friends are Networkers.  We just don’t want them taking our jobs, women, buying our goods, or breathing our air…that’s all.  It’s nothing personal.  We just want our country back from Networkers.”

“Fuck them, said Networker, Mike Oxhard.  “If they want a piece of me tell them to come and get it and they WILL feel the full weight of the business end of my Louisville Slugger.”

Hardass Networker Mike Oxyard ready to donate a little "chin music" to a Moderator

Asked to comment on the civil warfare between badge classes that is breaking out across the nation more frequently by the day, Huffington Post owner Ariana Huffington said she doesn’t give a shit.

Look Darling...vee simply can't have the classes vingling

“Good Darling” said Ms. Huffington.  “I’ve always believed that the vest way to veed out undesirables is to create class systems much like they used to do in my native Greece many years ago.  This, of course, vasn’t our intention in creating the badge system but vhat the hell…as long as it’s vorking, that’s great.  Seeing how it’s created more division in this country that’s leading to ridding us of people who are less than the elite is an unexpected, but vut truly delightful benefit.”

"Vee vant our stinking badges," says Ariana

→ 43 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged ,

Arianna Huffington Engaged to Mitch McConnell

Posted on February 27, 2010 by | 5 Comments

In an announcement that stunned the world, blog guru Arianna Huffington announced her engagement today to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“I’m so happy,” gushed Ms. Huffington.  “Mitch is the man of my dreams darling,” she added in her best Eva Gabor accent.

McConnell, who announced he is leaving his wife, former Labor Secretary Elaine Chou, said about Arianna, “Hey, what can I say, she f**ks like a tomcat and makes my shriveled up old penis stand up like a screaming banshee.  Plus, she’s f**king loaded.  What more can an ugly old piece of shit like me ask for?”

“Mitch is so romantic,” added Ms. Huffington.  “We were watching ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s the other night and he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.  He does things to my body that no man has ever done before.  Plus, going down on him is pure, unadulterated pleasure.”

“Mitch sure surprised the shit out of me,” said his best friend and former male lover, Ku Klux Klan leader and Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions. “I didn’t even know they were dating but I wish him the best.”

U.S. Senator and KKK Leader, Jeff Sessions

“Sure we have different politics,” McConnell said about his fiance.  “But when you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose like her, I say, ‘POWER TO THE LIBS!’  If she keeps it up, I may even vote for Obama’s health care plan,” McConnell quipped.

For Ms. Huffington this will be husband #14 while this will be Senator McConnell’s third marriage,  second to a woman.

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged ,