The air was celebratory back stage after Ariana’s appearance on this morning’s This Week with Christiane Amanpour marking her 786th straight appearance on a pundit TV program breaking the previous mark of 785 held by James Carville. Referring to the recent youthful uprising in Egypt as a “potential tinderbox in the Middle East,” Ms. Huffington also broke the record, previously held by New York Times Columnist Thomas Friedman for mundane, pointless, and useless cliches used by a bloviating, wind-bag of hot-air on Sunday morning talk shows filled with people who talk and talk and talk and talk but don’t listen to a syllable of what others are saying.
A host of hangers-on, suck-ups, publicity hounds, narcissists, gadflies, ne’er-do-wells, and has-beens, to include Chris Matthews, Tony Robbins, Ivana Trump, various Elvis impersonators, Jeff Conaway (of Grease fame…but nothing since then), the cast of Who’s the Boss, rejects from various seasons of episodes of Survivor and Dancing with the Stars, and others ogled Arianna as they dined on lobster and arugula and boogied to the “live” music of Kool and the Gang (now in their late 60′s) who jammed on Celebration.
“HEY ARIANNA….DO EVA GABOR AGAIN!!!” screamed out a drunken Conaway.
“Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue!”
“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” laughed the crowd of adoring fans, to include Vanilla Ice, members of Flock of Seagulls, and other 80′s synthopop stars who haven’t had a hit record in more than 24 years.
After hundreds of appearances on George Stephanopoulos, David Gregory, Chris Matthews, Chris Wallace, Bob Schieffer, Keith Olberman, Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, Ed Schultz, Dan Abrams, Cooper Anderson, and every medium and small-market hack TV personality on both sides of the Mississippi, Arianna, who has now been on the road for two and a half years, finally broke Carville’s coveted record.
“GIVE US ANOTHER CLICHE Arianna you whore!!!!” screamed an inebriated and now out-of-control Conaway.
“I never thought this record would be broken,” said Matthews, on whose show, Hardball, Arianna appeared more than 123 times in her run up to the record. “I figured there would be a better chance of someone breaking the home run record again…but if anyone could do it, it’s Arianna….because practically no one is as full of hot air and shit as Arianna,” said Matthews pointedly excluding himself from such consideration.
And that’s true. A recent poll shows that everyone in the world loves Arianna. In fact, in a cross-sectional poll taken across the United States and in selected countries around the world, not one person does not LOVE Arianna….which is just the way she wants it.
“I loved to be loved Dah-ling….I just love it.”
“Arianna…can I have your autograph?” asked Todd Bridges of Diff’rent Strokes fame (who, by the way, has been looking for work since around 1983 in case you know of anyone who’s hiring)
“Of course Dah-ling….do you love me?”
“Love you?” gushed Bridges…. “I worship you!”
“Uhhh Arianna…do you have a minute to answer a couple of questions?” asked Southpaw.
“Of course Dah-ling?…but first how much do you love me?”
“Uhhhh lots…..I guess.”
“Of course Dah-ling…everyone does. What would you like to know?”
“Well, I was just wondering…while you been appearing on like 786 shows in a row all over the place and getting all this attention, were you aware that your blog has gone to the shitter and is now being essentially taken hostage by the right? Plus they now have these ridiculous badges that nobody likes, Community Pundit designations, and it seems no one has anything to say anymore because all they care about is fanning and being fanned. What’s happened to your blog, Arianna?”
“Dah-ling, what blog are you talking about? Now, I really have to get back to my worshiping fans Dah-ling who love and adore me.”
Congratulations go out to Arianna for her record of 786 straight appearances on pundit TV. She says she has no plans to slow down and is already booked to appear on pundit TV in Spain, France, Germany, Thailand, Japan, Bangledesh, Iceland, and 40 other countries. Plus she’ll begin rehearsal soon in the role of “Lisa Douglas,” originally played by Eva Gabor, in the Broadway production of Green Acres which is set to open this month on Broadway.