“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”

“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”

“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great.  And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Grandpa, I’m scared.”

“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one.  You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with.  And what do you think this is in my lap?  Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times.  Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to  you.  Did you forget how to use em?!”

“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Well then, let me continue with my story.  Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”

“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”

“Hahahahahaha!  Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret.   I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment.  They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet  instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”

Lucifer

“Grandpa, what’s water?”

“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago.  But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. “

“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”

(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”

“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”

“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”

“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”

“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”

“Where is that Grandpa?”

“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here.  We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know.  And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”

“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight.  Time for bed.”

“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”

“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”

“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”

“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:

(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))

Father of our country

Not a black face among them. Thank God !

“Now off to bed!.  Good night children.  Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”

In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are  wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.

In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)

As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….

FUCK IT!!!!  Never mind

…

Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.

[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal's nuts.]

“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it.  They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts.  Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.“

“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”

“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”

“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”

“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:

And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.

“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”

“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”

…

“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”

“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”

…

“Damn straight, gordita.”

“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”

“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”

“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”

“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Can you tell us why you did that?”

“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”

“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”

“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”

“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”

“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal.  And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trQVzrP1Ijs&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DtrQVzrP1Ijs&has_verified=1

[My name is Rand Paul and I approve this message.]

Alabama:  Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”

“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.

“After the bill passes on Monday,  any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.

Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere.  Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.

“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun.  ”In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”

(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)

(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).

South Carolina: Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)

“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”

“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley.  ”It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.

The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk

Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics.  But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:

The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.

“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.

“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of  Connecticut.

“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”

“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.

Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.

“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss.  ”They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks.  As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk.  I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”

Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking

Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.

“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.

Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry I’m doing this but YOU try being the son of a pasty-white, fat-ass pussy who is as phony as a three-dollar bill.  I’d just had enough of it….that’s all. Yes, I was depressed as hell. But here’s a news flash:  I was depressed because I was the son of this asshole.  ”A Purpose Driven Life.”  HA!!!  More like “A Money Driven Life.”  To all of you fucked-up suckers out there who think my fat asshole of a father is in this for God, LOL !! I got some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell you.  This guy is in it for one thing and one thing only…MONEY !!!!!!  Did you know that this guy doesn’t even BELIEVE in God?!?!  He’d come home every Sunday after one of his fucked-up sermons and talk and laugh for hours about how taking money from his “flock” was like shooting fish in a barrel. Believe me everyone….this fat bastard is giving all of you “A Purpose Driven Ass-Fucking.” So don’t feel bad for me because I never have to see this fuck and his dumb goatee again or listen to another word of his horseshit.  As for those of you who are his followers…you should feel sorry for yourselves because you are still going to be around for this dick to ram you up the ass and take your money.  So goodbye and good luck.   You’ll need it.  Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.

Matthew Warren

1925-2013

Ugly, divisive, cruel, nasty, mean, inept, wicked.

Good riddance…and rot in history…alongside your soul mate Ronald Reagan.

For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.

I f*cked up

Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions.  “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.

“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus.   It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.

“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican.  He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”

This is the guy we thought was coming back

“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”

“Damn!”

“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”

“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”

“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”

“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”

BJ went with God…and with countless little boys in the Youth Group

“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”

“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”

Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos

“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”

“Huh?”

“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”

“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”

“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”

“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”

“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”

“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home.  He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”

“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”

“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”

“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”

Save it. Jesus has checked out.

Sorry about your back, dude

Have at it. Jesus doesn’t care anymore.

…

…so where the fuck is he then?  That’s what everyone would like to know.

Here we are on the cusp of yet another Easter when this motherfucker is supposed to show.  And for about the 10 thousandth year in a row, it looks like he’s gonna be a no show…AGAIN!!

FUCK!!!!!!

The world, especially the U.S., is going to hell in a handbasket with queers marrying queers, an illegal alien President trying to take all of our guns away, Mexicans taking over everything as far as the eye can see, and the “Christ” being taken right the fuck out of Christmas.  And nobody’s doing a goddamn thing about it.

Year after year, all the prayer in the world….

“When you need him most he just won’t show the fuck up and we’ve been waiting around for this guy to show forever” said Willie-Buster Cherry of Crotchrot, Mississippi.

….don’t seem to do…..

“Crawdads are scarce….ain’t been a goddamn good catfish crop in more than two years in the lake over yonder, prices are going up at Wal-Mart everyday….and niggers and Mexican’s are taking over EVERYTHING!  Queers are getting married!! Where’s God when you need him…that’s what I’d like to know,” added a thoughtful Cherry.

…any good

People all over the place, particularly in the deep southern part of the U.S., have had it up to here waiting for God to make a return appearance to earth and a lot of people are beginning to ask their elected representatives to do something about it.

“I’m sick of waiting,” said Claude Balls also of Crotchrot.  ”All my life, my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, they’ve been telling us that God is coming back and we wait and wait and wait and nothing….and we’re all getting fucking sick of it.  We’re even starting to think he’s not coming at all.”

Frustrated by yet another God no-show, Willie Buster Cherry and Claude Balls of Mississippi do what they do best…..relax

“We’re pretty patient people down here in Mississippi but what the fuck does it take?” said Cherry. “I’m nearly 70 and I’m sick and disabled and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even gonna be around when God shows up.  Every single Sunday Preacher keeps telling us that God is coming…God is coming.  We put all this money in the collection plate thinking he’s coming….and then he just don’t come.”

“So you DO think he’s gonna show up…..but you just think it’s a question of when?”

“Exactly.  Of course we all know God’s coming sooner or later….but we would just like to know when! If someone says they’re gonna do something, down here in Mississippi we take a man at his word.”

“Why…..sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not he….”

“…exists at all?” I said finishing the inbred cracker’s sentence for him.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?! Of COURSE NOT!! I was gonna say……whether or not God is not coming because he’s pissed at us for being the sinners we are.”

“So you think God is just pissed and disgusted by queers getting married and Mexican’s taking over everything?’

“We figure that’s gotta be the reason…..least wise, that’s what Preacher says on Sunday.  And he says it’s important for all of us to give as much as we can to the collection plate each Sunday so we can help God to change things once he does come. But I’m beginning to  wonder where all that money me and everyone else is giving the preacher each Sunday is going cause every year God don’t show up for this resurrection thing on Easter.”

We here at Southpaw Beagle wish, too, that God would show up already and fix things and end this silly notion that some people are spreading that all religion is a farce, preachers, priests, rabbis, and all the rest of the people who preach the word of God are carpetbaggers, pedophiles, perverts, degenerates, and liars, who exist because stupid fucking Americans continue to believe in a myth in the sky, and the U.S. is really just a den of debauchery and deceit with no redeeming qualities.  Because of course we know that can’t be true.

Happy fucking Easter.

Gene Hancock’s shameful life did not end with abusing children. A brazen coward, he evaded service during World War II by pretending to be a homosexual. He covered this up by telling the story that he had health problems that kept him from passing the physical.

There. The truth is out. May his depraved f*cked-up soul rest in peace.