Category Archives: The Worst President (and Ex-President) of All Time

After President George W. Bush learned of terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and on The Pentagon from his Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, no one has ever been certain or verified what was said between the two men on on that fateful morning of September 11th, 2001….until now:

The following is the transcript of the recording that took place that morning that only a few Americans were aware existed but has now been released to Newsweek Magazine, the NY Times, and Southpaw Beagle:

"Mr. President, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Andrew Card:  ”Mr. President, America has just been attacked….”

President Bush: “So, what do you want ME to do about it?”

Card:  ”Mr. President, I believe this calls for swift action.”

The Commander in Chief contemplates....

Bush:  ”Look, I’m in the middle of a book here…can we just not do anything and say we did?”

Card:  ”MR. PRESIDENT !”

Bush:  ”Okay…..let me just sit here and think for a minute…think….think…think. Hmmm, nothing’s coming to mind.  Who did it Andy?”

9:11 a.m.....and contemplates

Card:  ”All signs point to Osama Bin Laden Mr. President.”

Bush:  ”Then we need to attack Iraq.”

Card:  ”Mr. President, Bin Laden is holed up somewhere in Afghanistan and has nothing to do with Iraq.  He’s the leader of Al Qaeda which you would know if you’d just read the briefings we’ve given you every day since you won the election.”

Bush:  ”Oh.  Well that doesn’t change anything.  I don’t know anything about Al Qaeda and Afghanistan but I DO know more than most people about Iraq because of what my dad’s told me.  So I still say we go after Iraq and do it now….that is, as soon as I save face and wrap up this children’s book.”

Card:  ”Mr. President, are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

9:26 a.m.....and contemplates

President:  Absolutely Andy.  You’re missing the big picture.  We’re never going to catch this guy Bin Laden in some place that I know nothing about.  And Americans are too stupid to know one terrorist from another.  I mean, they pretty much feel the same as me:  all people who don’t look like us are terrorists and all terrorists are people who don’t look us.”

(("wait just a cotton-pickin' minute ! This kid doesn't look like me either....hmmmmm.")))

Card:  ”You’ve got a point Mr. President.  Come to think of it…I was up late last night watching that comedian George Lopez and he doesn’t look or even SOUND like us!”

Comedian.....or.....?

Bush:  ”I rest my case.  Besides, why catch anyone?  No one will care about any of this and who I catch if we’re knee deep in a war somewhere…so just declare one by 4 p.m. today on Iraq, Iran, India, Japan, whoever…..I don’t give a flying fuck.”

Card:  ”What about Bin Laden sir?”

Bush:  ”What about him?  At 4 today, make this a declaration of the “war on terror” and the rest will take care of itself…including our reelection in 2004 which will be a walk in the park.  Then in 2008 just before I leave office I’ll tell everyone I tried….and we’ll just hang the responsibility on the black guy.”

Card:  ”Who sir?”

Bush:  ”Obama…..that black bastard from Illinois, or Hawaii, or Malaysia, or Kenya, or wherever the fuck he’s from.  He’s gonna be the next President and since he’s black, no one’s gonna give him a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding.  A couple of years into his Presidency after he hasn’t caught this Bin Laden guy everyone will have totally forgotten that it was me who didn’t go after him in the first place and who was responsible for 9-11 to begin with.  Guess who will be blamed?  The guy who can’t come up with his birth certificate.”

“(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))) !!”

Card:  ”Win-win sir.”

Bush:  ”Fuckin eyh Andy.   Maybe you’re beginning to understand Texas-style politics.  God knows I’ve been trying to teach them to you forever.   Now, let me wrap up this book and then I’ll get on to that other thing you were telling me about.  What was it again?”

(the rest of this conversation may be heard in the SPB Green Room)

"Kids, I'm living proof that YOU TOO can grow up to be wrongly accused of being foreign born by millions and millions of your countrymen."

In his new book, “Decision Points,” the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush, reveals that allowing himself to be cornholed up the rump by Karl Rove only once instead of repeatedly was probably his greatest regret.  He says that the infamous Katrina photo of him looking like a boob at the destruction in the southern Gulf region from the window of Air Force One was a distant second in terms of regret.

In an exclusive interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News, Bush talked more about his main regret and cornholing in general.

“Chris, I don’t regret Iraq.  I don’t regret not catching Osama Bin Laden.  I don’t regret wanting to gut Social Security or cutting taxes for my rich friends and millions of other rich people.  I don’t regret condoning torture.  I don’t regret illegal wiretapping millions of Americans.  I don’t regret making this great country of ours the most divisive it’s been since the Civil War.  And I don’t regret our slow response to a pack of malcontented blacks in New Orleans who had to put up with a little flooding.  I’d tell them the same thing I told Carla Faye Tucker in Texas before I had her put down like a dog….BOO HOO!   But I do regret only being cornholed once by Karl.”

Bush, at his Fox interview, sports a beard grown since leaving office

“Mr. President…let me get this straight….are you saying not getting cornholed up the rump by Karl Rove as much as you would have liked is a greater regret than the fucked-up and inhumane way you handled Katrina or the fabrication of weapons of mass destruction in order to invade a sovereign country so you could appear to be more of a man than your unmanly father ?” asked Wallace.

“Yes. You know Chris…there are only a few things I would do over if I could turn back the clock and….”

“…and if you could turn back the clock you would not invade Iraq based on lies and bullshit?” interrupted Wallace…

The smirk may disappear for good once news that Bush took it up the rump hits the streets

“No, I wouldn’t change anything in how I handled Iraq.  I was going to say, if I could turn back the clock I would have spent much more intimate time with Karl.   We were always so busy that I never really took the time to show Karl how much I liked the reach around.   After that one time….the night we were celebrating my decision to invade Iraq, Karl and I had been drinking and he was sitting close to me and I close to him and he placed his hand on my leg and then one thing led to another and it was the most joyous experience in my life.  Later we showered  together…..and that’s when he took me up the rump.”

"Decision Points"....which you'll have to buy ($29.95) to get all the details of GWB's greatest regret....detailed in Chap 13: "The Greatest Sex I Ever Had Was With a Man Named Karl"

“Mr. President…this is a HUGE revelation!” exclaimed a stunned Wallace

“Well….Karl’s not exactly what I would call huge Chris….more like a weapon of very minor destruction….very, very minor.  But as I used to say when I was Texas Governor…..it may be small, but so is dynamite…get it?”

"You were amazing last night," Bush whispers in Rove's ear, not knowing that it would be a one-time event.....to his great regret

“I get it Mr. President.  But when I said ‘HUGE’ I was talking about the news of your having had sex with Karl Rove.”

“….and if you want any more details on that Chris I’ll tell you the same thing I’d tell anyone.  ‘Decisions Points’ will be on sale at Barnes and Noble starting tomorrow for $29.95.”

Open Forum question:  What do YOU think should be Bush’s greatest regret, among many…..being directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of U.S. service members and tens of thousands of innocent civilians in the Middle East, or not taking the time to allow Karl Rove to perfect the reach around with him?  Or is it something else?

"It was always much more than it seemed," said a close associate of both Rove and the President who refused to be identified....."much, much more."

Your opinion counts…..

…Tune in tomorrow (Monday) when you’ll have the opportunity to weigh in on GWB’s greatest regret as he discusses the subject with Chris Wallace of Fox News on the eve of the release of his stupid, bullshit, fucked up, pack-of-lies book, “Decision Points”.  Is his greatest regret lying to get us into a war…..or not letting Karl Rove perfect the “reach around” with him?  Find out tomorrow.

P.S.  For those of  you who may be a little rusty with your sexual terms:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=reach%20around

Dedication: These Chronicles have been dedicated to the three former members of the SPB staff who lost their lives in the pursuit of this story.

Prelude:   After GWB left office we asked a renowned physician to have a thought transponder microscopically placed in George W. Bush’s brain (once the physician could find it) to enable only us, with the use of a transponding flux capacitating receiving device, to hear the thoughts of Bush.  Our physician, who asked that his identity not be disclosed,  agreed to do this unbeknownst to Bush and, for the first time ever, after hundreds of  exhaustive hours listening and transcribing Bush’s thoughts….we are proud to present them for the first time ever here, on Southpawbeagle.

Editor’s Note:  To differentiate between George  W. Bush’s thoughts and “real-time” conversation between Bush and friends and family take note of the following symbols:

Bush’s thoughts are designated by the following symbols:  (((          )))

Bush’s “real-time” conversations, as well as Bush’s writings, will be designated by quotations marks

Southpaw narration:  no symbols

….and now, my friends, I bring you:   The Chronicles of the Mind of George W. Bush:

Chap I:  My God I wish I had married another woman.….

“GEORGE..!!!!  Can you put down your memoirs for a little bit and come to lunch????”

“OKAY!!! In a minute Laura….I’m just wrapping up Chap I”

Chap I had been particularly troublesome for “W”….possibly because he had been traumatized by his eight year Presidency….but more likely because he was simply a brainless fuckhead who couldn’t write for shit anymore than he could do anything else.  Nevertheless….he tried….to make yet another lame, post-Presidential set of memoirs more than just another boring, pointless rewriting of history.  He, however, was failing miserably…

“And so it was on that fateful day of Sept 11, 2001, that I would meet my chosen destiny….to be a hero to the American people and, perhaps, the greatest President to ever live simply because I….”

“GEORGE!!!! YOUR LUNCH IS GETTING COLD!!!!”

“I’m COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(((my god how I hate her…how I’ve always hated her.  Boring, schoolmarmish do-gooder.  The places I could have gone without having this human library book anchored to me.   One day I will be free of her…..even if it means I have to have her ki… )))

Happier times

“GEORGE…for the last time…LUNCH!!!!!!!”

(((Now Palin…that’s someone  who could have rocked my world…..good looking chick, cold, cunning, calculating, heartless……my kind of woman.  She can jump into my flight suit any day of the week.  She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch….a golf ball through a garden hose…..why that mouth of her could have played beautiful music on my gristle whistle.  What I would NOT DO to trade her for Laura right this minute.  That Palin chick sure as shit wouldn’t have me in here writing my stupid-ass memoirs.  And speaking of my memoirs….what bullshit.  It’s amazing that dumbshit Americans by the millions will shell out 24.95 for me to sell this patriotic horseshit.  I love this line:  “Our mission was to the protect the American people.  And I, as Commander in Chief, would have gone down with the proverbial ship if necessary in order to save a single life….for to save a single life would have made my Presidency worth every second.” )))

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  And if you believe that, you stupid fucking Americans, I have these weapons of mass destruction to sell you.  Let me get them…they’re right here under my bed…..BOOM!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Karl Rove once told me, after we had been drinking most of the night, “George, give me a nickle for every evangelical hayseed who will believe every word we say so long as we wrap it around old glory….and I’d be a rich man !”  Ahhh Karl….how I love him so.  I miss him.  The warm embrace….the hugs….the late night massages……the sex.  Where did it go wrong between us?  With Karl by my side I could have scaled new heights on the backs of so many millions of stupid Americans.  God though how I love America.  About the only place where a life-time, frat-rat, ne’er do well like myself, who likes to drink more than just about anything under the sun, can be President.  One day I plan to….)))

“GEORGE!!!!! I’m going to give your lunch to Barney!!!”

“Okay.  I’m coming.”

(((Soon Laura…..soon.  Your goddamn day of reckoning is right around the corner)))

….Chap II Thoughts to be continued:   Condi….that chick could fuck like a mink

GWB takes on a new, modern image

George W. Bush’s memoir, tentatively entitled “Decision Points,” will reveal something that, until now, apparently no one has known except for Bush himself and his paramour:  a long-time love affair with Britney Spears.

No small pecker for me

Bush’s memoir, to be released this summer, will include a chapter (Chap 7) in which he details his two-year love affair with the pop star after he attended her D.C. concert as part of her 2003 “I’m a Gum-Smackin’ Hooker” tour.

Bush's reaction after Britney dumped him

Here’s a excerpt:

Ahhh Britney. She was incredible and did for me everything Laura could not.  This hot chick could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.  And she didn’t care about size.  She loved me for the man I was and the four and a half inches I had to offer.  I met her backstage at her D.C. concert in 2003.  In an interview earlier that year with CNN she had said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.” I simply wanted to thank her for her support.  Instead I ended up fucking her !!

When we met,  I never knew that it would be love at first sight.  That chance encounter led to a nearly two-year, torrid love fest that was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. It was Britney who convinced me to go after Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction despite the fact that my instincts told me he didn’t have any. God how I loved her. I still do…but, alas, it was unrequited love. Britney has ADHD, it seemed, and simply couldn’t focus on both her career and me simultaneously.  But what a body!  Straight out of white trash heaven.  I loved doing the “motor boat” with her fake tits (((brruuuuuurrupppphhhhhhhh))) !

W "motorboats" Britney

George likes em authoritative like

Reminiscing about his years in the Governor’s Mansion, Bush also revealed, “Britney reminded me of some of the many strippers I banged after meeting them at strip joints when I was Texas governor.”

Bush during his Governor years in his strip club going out get-up

Britney had little to say about her affair with Bush other than to acknowledge it and say, “Hey, I’d fuck Abe Lincoln if I thought it would boost my career.  I spent two years wasting my time with Bush and not only does he have a small pecker, my record sales actually decreased by more than four and a half million than my sales pre-Bush.”

Hey, I'd do Honest Abe if it would give me a leg up

GWB himself was unavailable for comment but we caught up with a number of strippers at various Houston nightclubs that Bush frequented while Governor of Texas and their consensus opinion echoed the words of  stripper Ima Butmunsch who said Bush is a wasteoid in both the bed and brains department.

W soliciting sex from Ima Butmunsch outside of Houston strip club