Category Archives: Teabaggers and Birthers are Dumbshits

Tea bagger groups across America, inspired by recent uprisings of the people against autocratic governments in Tunisia and Egypt, will march on D.C. by the thousands demanding less health care, less taxes levied against the wealthy, less or no social services, and much less job opportunity for Americans in the interest of sending millions more jobs overseas to China and other poor countries so that these same poor countries can continue to make cheap, shoddy, and tacky goods that can be sold at Wal-Mart for LESS money.

Everything about teabaggers is subtle....the picture of decorum

“We have to demand less from our government,” said Buster Hyman of the Tea Party Patriots for an Obese Lifestyle, headquartered in Decatur, Alabama.  “They can take away my health care, but don’t touch my low prices on Chinese and Pakistani goods at Wal-Mart, or my God and guns, most of which are made in Slovakia,” added Hyman.

Hyman says he relates to Egyptians...."except their brown skin, of course," he added quickly

“((WE WANT LESS….WE WANT LESS….WE WANT LESS !!!))),” chanted a small group of half a dozen or so members of Tea Party Patriots for an Obese Lifestyle who managed to squeeze their obesity into the tight Paul Revere costumes in which they were attired.

“We WANT LESS !!!!!” screamed one huge man with a cheesebag goatee who was wearing a Napoleon hat.

“Less of WHAT?” I asked.

“Less of whatever the government wants to give us,” he said.

“We want to spend LESS money at Wal-Mart,” chimed in Betty Phuckzer, a 450-pound regular at the Super Wal-Mart in Pulaski, Tennessee.  “And if giving up any chance at affordable health care and jobs in America will continue to provide us with lower prices that cost me LESS money, then it’s worth it,” said Phuckzer .  “And I want my country back,” added Phuckzer for good measure.

Betty Phuckzer wants less of everything...except Little Debbie snack cakes at low prices and as many teabags as possible taped to her head

“How long have you wanted your country back Ms. Phuckzer?” I asked the rotund woman.

“Since Jan 21 2009,” she said.

“Anything particularly significant about that date Ms. Phuckzer?” I asked.

“Not that I can think of,” she said.  “I know it was a mighty cold day that day and I had trouble getting my car up that hill right over yonder in order to get to Wal-Mart to take advantage of the sale they had on buy one get two free of 400 oz bottles of artificially-flavored fruit drink and the  half-off sale they had on 150 oz canisters of cheese puffs.”

Ms. Phuckzer advises fellow protesters in Egypt, while taping teabags to their heads, to avoid getting scotch tape entangled in their hair. "It took more than more than three shampoo washes in a week to get it out," she said. "And that's two more washes than I normally do in a month."

“Ms. Phuckzer….I notice you’re wearing a Paul Revere, Minuteman outfit with embroidered eagles and gaudy red, white, and blue stripes all over it with an embroidered snake on the back and the caption, ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ underneath.  Where did you purchase this outfit and who are you concerned will ‘tread on you’?”  I asked.

“I bought this costume on the Tea Party Patriot clothing aisle, # 11 at the Super Wal-Mart.   And I don’t know what ‘don’t tread on me’ means….that was just on the jacket when I bought it,” she added. “I just want to spend less money on more stuff.  I don’t care about anything else,” she said.  “And everyone I knows feels the same way.”

“Is your upcoming costume march in D.C. inspired in any way by what’s happening in Egypt right now?”

“Why you ask? she questioned suspiciously. “What’s happening in Egypt?”

“Hundreds of thousands of people are protesting in the streets against the oppressive government there.”

“That’s a lie!” she blurted out.  “Why there ain’t no more than maybe two thousand people altogether in Egypt.”

A waste of good tea or a waste of flesh.....you be the judge

“I’m sorry Ma’am, I think you’re wrong.”

“Like heck I’m wrong…my fourth husband’s from Egypt and I’ve been there.  They’re so small they ain’t even had a super Wal-Mart until about five years ago.”

“Wait a minute….we ARE talking about the same ‘Egypt,’ right?”

“Yea, Egypt, Tennessee…’bout four hours from here, right up I-64…over there next to Munford.”

...not to be confused with THE Egypt (see below)

“Ma’am, I’m talking about Egypt in the eastern part of North Africa.”

“Where?” she asked confused.

“Ma’am, one more quick question….who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?”

“Hell, I don’t know nothing about no tomb.”

“Well then, how much are super saver boxes of  Little Debbie snack cakes, the ones that come 100 cakes to a box, selling for this week at your local Wal-Mart?”

“This week those are on sell for $9.95 but Buster and the rest of the Tea Party Patriots for an Obese Lifestyle are saying Little Debbie cakes ought to be selling for about a dollar less than that which is one reason why our group is going to Washington D.C. next week.”

It's the simple things in life that make America the greatest country on earth. Thank god that I can still buy Little Debbie cakes when and how much I want. That's what freedom is all about.

“You do know how to get to Washington D.C., right?”

“I  never even heard of the place till Buster done brought it up last week at our costume event that we held at 10 o’clock at night at that big farm field near where I live when we done burned a cross and everything.  Buster just told us to follow him and his RV and stay close so as we don’t get lost. We’ll find it…and when we do, Washington D.C. ain’t gonna know what hit it.”

God Bless America. Love it or leave it