Ugly, divisive, cruel, nasty, mean, inept, wicked.
Good riddance…and rot in history…alongside your soul mate Ronald Reagan.
Ugly, divisive, cruel, nasty, mean, inept, wicked.
Good riddance…and rot in history…alongside your soul mate Ronald Reagan.
It’s morning in America again. A new day…a day of hope and change for the young, the old, and everyone in between. Freedom reigns once again.
It is the beginning of September, 2017 and all throughout this great land, our next generation prepares for their first day of school. President Rand Paul, only eight months from taking office, in his weekly address says the new school year presents a new awakening in America.
“Fellow Americans, these young people present our hopes and our dreams for the freedom in America as we know and love it. They are our first line of defense in our ongoing war against those who want to deprive us of our freedoms. “
Monday, September 4, 2017….the school bell rings at Sunshine Elementary School in Lubbock, TX.
It’s Ms. Crabapple’s first day too as she is a recent graduate of the University of San Antonio where she achieved a degree in elementary education. Now 22 years old, she looks forward to her future as a teacher, marrying her high school sweetheart, and starting her own family.
“Okay class…..settle down now….settle down. Please, everyone take your seats and please keep your hands to yourself. My name is Ms. Crabapple and I’m your new first grade teacher!”
(((“GOOD MORNING MS. CRABAPPLE)))!!”
“Good morning class. I want to say what a happy, delightful group of boys and girls you all seem to be. And I want to welcome you to your first day of school.”
(((“THANK YOU MS. CRABAPPLE)))!!”
“You can all be proud that you’ve graduated from kindergarten and you are all now official grade schoolers!!”
“Now then, before we begin our first day of this new chapter in your young lives, we need to make sure you all came prepared for your first day of school and we need to prepare you for every other day of school going forward….okay??”
“Now then, did everyone bring all of your school supplies that I asked your mommies and daddies to make sure you bring today?”
“(((YES MS. CRABAPPLE)))”!!!
“Does everyone have their milk money?”
“I see you all have your backpacks today. Please take time to go through them now and make sure you have your copy of the Holy Bible as well as your personal protection device which, as your parents were notified in advance, can either being a semi automatic or an automatic weapon. Does everyone have these items?”
(((YES MS. CRABAPPLE)))!”"
“Now please place your weapon on your desk in front of you and please make sure you have two completely loaded magazines with one of them actually placed in your gun and the other to remain in your backpack.”
“I notice a few of you seem to be having trouble locating your weapons. Joey, did you bring your weapon today like you were instructed to do?”
(((HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!, the rest of the class laughs at silly Joey.
“And why not Joey?”
“Uhhhh, errr…. I forgot Ms. Crabapple.”
“Well, that’s okay Joey…..I keep a full arsenal of automatic weapons and high capacity ammunition clips in in this large locker behind my desk just for forgetful, foolish, and freedom hating children as yourself. Now, you have permission to come up now and pick one out but please be quick about it. And you must remember to turn your gun in once you are armed with your own….but not before then. And why is that class?”
((BECAUSE WE MUST ALL BE ARMED AT ALL TIMES)))!!!”
“And why is that children?”
(((BECAUSE PRESIDENT PAUL SAYS SO)))!!”
“Very good class.”
“Class, we need to practice better safety this year. Last school year we lost 58 elementary school children at Sunshine Elementary due to firefights on the playground or in the cafeteria. This represents an increase of deaths of school children by six from the previous year and our principal would really like to see us bring that number down this year if at all possible. Do you all understand?”
(((YES MS. CRABAPPLE)))!
“In a minute, we will watch a wonderful cartoon hosted by yours and my favorite, SCOOBY DOO who will be talking about how to kill less of each other!!!! “
“But first, class…..please rise for our Pledge of Allegiance.”
“I pledge Allegiance to the Gun
Of the United States of America
And to the Republic, for which it stands
One Nation, under God and Gun
Indivisible, with Liberty and Guns for all.”
“Very good my little first graders. After Scooby Doo speaks to all of us, we’ll have reading, and then drawing, followed by our mid-morning nap at which time I ask all of you to please make sure your weapons, especially automatic weapons, are all in safety mode because last year at least four first graders were killed during nap time….okay class?”
(((YES MS. CRABAPPLE)))!!”
“Class…..IT’S TIME NOW FOR SCOOOOOBY DOO!!!!”
“IT’S SCOOBY DOOBY DOOOOO!!!”
“Ruh Roh kids….I sure hope none of you forgot your weapon this morning. You know why? Well, like my good friend Shaggy says…..Scooby, Guns don’t kill people….PEOPLE kill people!!!!”"
“And just remember kids….take it from your best friend Scooby Doo, like my good buddies Shaggy and Wayne LaPierre say, the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Now, are all of YOU good guys?!?!?!”
“Good luck in school kids….study hard, and always remember…..keep your bible close, and your high capacity ammo clips closer….SCOOBY DOOBY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
It’s been awhile since I’ve written from the heart on the pages of SPB….but I believe what happened in a particular movie theater in a particular part of America recently warrants yours truly speaking out.
In the wake of yet another horrible mass shooting in America, this time in Aurora, Colorado, I think it’s time to reflect on what America REALLY needs. Obviously, besides more guns…up to and including arming movie and theater goers (Southpaw Beagle endorses the recent Michele Bachmann-Louie Gohmert bill making it mandatory for all movie ticket purchasers to carry a gun or rent one from the gun kiosks located in the concessions area of the theater), more prisons, and more capital punishment for more crimes, what this crisis calls for is more hugs….and more teddy bears.
Clearly as long as we have a communist for a President, there’s little, if any, chance that we’re going to be able to realize our dream of having a gun in every hand in America….so until we can get a like-minded American like Rand Paul or Michele Bachmann in the White House, we need to hug as many people as we can. And, we need more teddy bears….many, many more teddy bears. President Obama has accomplished nothing during his first term (and thanks be to God it’s almost over)….so it’s up to we the people to do something to make this a better place. We should form our own emergency rapid response organization. Instead of calling it FEMA….we could call it, FEMAH: First Everybody Must All Hug.
Scientific studies show that hugs and crocodile tears make everything, to include pain and tragedy, go away a lot quicker…even if the hugs are disingenuous. The key is to just grasp the closest person to you….preferably someone who is morbidly obese, and just start hugging.
And we have to act quicker when it comes to dispatching as many teddy bears of all sizes, shapes, and colors, to the scenes of tragedies. At last report, apparently only a few teddy bears and yellow ribbons were spotted at the multiplex theater in Aurora, Colorado. Don’t people realize how important it is to pile a mountain of teddy bears, preferably with lots of Hersey chocolate hugs attached to them along with heart lockets and other crackerjack box-like trinkets, around the scene of a shooting?
I’m pretty sure Obama will try to take away our hugs and teddy bears just like he has tried to take away our guns. We need to fight this with everything we’ve got.
So spread the word. First Everyone Must All Hug (Femah).
Sad news today. Bob Welch, arguably the best guitar player of a long line of fine musicians with the group, Fleetwood Mac, to include Jeremy Spencer, Danny Kirwan, Bob Weston, Lindsey Buckingham, and Peter Green, has committed suicide.
Rest in peace Bob. We’ll miss you:
Southpaw Beagle interviewed thousands of Americans from coast to coast before selecting Mrs. Shirley Johnson from Mountain Bluff, Missouri, whom we believe best represents mainstream America, to give the annual New Year Message for the year 2012:
“First of all i want to thank God for all that he has givin me and my family, This pas yeer has ben realy good and coud have ben much beter if it had not ben for the black heathen we have as Presedent. Presedient Obama has tried and tried and tried to take away my God. that’s what my friends Mary and Judy wus saying the other day at the unimployment ofice when i was over thier the other day two pick up my chek. We was talking about how we knead to git our country bak and put God back into thengs and other stuf.
This Presedint has done nothing but bad stuf but I can be thancful for alot of good stuf two, i don’t have a job rite now and thier arent no jobs write now in my town because all the illegal aleins from mexico have taken all of our jobs, but i beeleave that evrything is done for a reeson and i beeleave that God will give me a job when he is readdy for me to work. i thank God that i half my workman’s comp and my unimployment even thoow some policemen told me i shood not cownt on any moniy from my acident at Wal-Mart when i sliped and fell in one of thier ailes, the policeman tol me that thier camera said i was faking the acident i had. but that is a goddam lie ! but if God wants me to not have the money i will aksept it because I beeleave God has a reeson for everything. so I am thancful for my unimployment and whatever other asistance i can get. i am thankful because of all the white peepole in my town who stick together and treet each other like family. My freind Judy was saying though that one of these days one of those people from the government, or Washington or some other country will come hear and try to take our stuf away and all. OVER MY DAED BODY !!
My freind Mary was also teling me that the heathen black Presedint wants to turn our country into some place caled europe whatever that place is, but i dont no nothing about some europe but my other friend Judy says they dont beeleave in God thier and men are marreid too other men and stuff like that and eveerybody is a socialist which Mary says is the religion of the devil. Mary also says that Obama is going to lett illegal aleins take over everything jist so theyll keep electing him to be the Presedint every year. i don’t no who is my reprisentative from Missouri but i plan to right to him as soon as i find out about wanting him to try and git my country back.
i don’t realy no who i want for our next Presedint but i just no I dont want no black man cause i no that peeble like him will take away my God and other stuf i don’t want. i jist hope one day we can git our country back that has ben taken away from us and we can git someone who will put God back into things and stuf, i think as long as all of that hapens then 2012 will be a grate year and maybe even the best won yet. Happy Knew Year Everybody !!
And Happy New Year to you Shirley….and to everyone else out there:
HAPPY 2012 !!!
There are three certain things in life: death, taxes, and who the fuck is Kim Jong-Un besides the chipmunk-cheeked, pasty-white doughboy, panty-waist, bowl-hair-cutted knob-job that he appears to be.
Practically no one knows exactly who Kim Jong-Un is besides the fact that he is now leader of North Korea since the recent death of his father, Kim Jong Il. Which may or may not be a problem.
So, why, exactly, do we even NEED to know who the fuck this fat pus-ball is, who looks like he should be getting corn-holed at boy scout camp….not serving as leader of a nation….even if that nation is a backwater bizarro world that has been closed to the outside world for generations?
“Because he has his fat fingers on nuke buttons….that’s why,” said Dong Hung-Lo, a Korean dissident who spent more than 20 years serving Kim Jong Il and helped raise Kim Jong Un.
“Oh he’s a little fucker,” said Hung-Lo. “The fat asshole used to have a thing about fireworks….especially firecrackers. Every cat in the house would run for cover when they saw Kim coming around the corner because he liked sticking firecrackers up their respective asses and lighting them.”
“He did that as a child?” I asked.
“Fuck no !” exclaimed Hung-Lo. ”I saw him doing that last year when I still worked for his father.”
“What else?” I asked.
“Well, the fat peckerwood never….and I mean NEVER stopped eating. We used to have planeloads of Dunkin’ Donuts, KFC, and Hardees, which are his favorites, flown in. I’ve never seen someone go through a dozen donuts as fast as Kim. He attacked them like flies on shit,” said Hung-Lo.
“How much did his father prepare him for the Presidency?” I asked.
“Well, if you consider jerking off preparation, I would say this fat shit should turn out to be the greatest President in history cause that’s all the fuck he ever did….except for eating. Least wise, that’s all I ever SAW him doing. I mean this kid should be in the Guinness Book of World Records or something for beating his meat,” said Hung-Lo. ”He never did anything else as far as I could see.”
“Did he learn anything while attending school in Switzerland?”
“Not that I know of because from what I heard he spent most of the time getting his ass kicked. When he came back to North Korea…I shit you not, EVERY LAST PAIR of his jockey shorts not only had massive streak marks in them, but they were all pulled about three times out of proportion from the wedgies this guy got multiple times every day. After he got back to North Korea I remember him telling me that his first order of business once he replaced Dear Leader would be to order a thousand North Korean citizens a day to undergo wedgies….and then be thrown into the gulag for life. I think this should give you a good idea how this little cocksucker plans to rule,” added Hung Lo.
American State Department officials said they had hoped to have better relations with North Korea now that it has a new leader. But after hearing Hung-Lo’s account, they say they’re no longer sure that’s possible.
The following recent letter to Southpaw from a concerned citizen prompted an inquiry by our staff and should, indeed, prompt nationwide concern:
Sure, the President has recently released what looks like his true birth certificate….but from WHERE? Hawaii? Us folks in Alabama don’t know what an Hawaii is…so we “Googled” it and found out that “Hawaii” is NOT EVEN IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!!!! We looked all over Florida, all around Louisiana, and all over Tennessee thinking we would find this place but it was nowhere to be found.It turns out that it’s some tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. “Google” even said it was our 50th state. What a lie. Everyone knows there are only 11 states in the Confederacy….Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and
Therefore, I conclude that Obama is no more a citizen of the great United States of America now than he was BEFORE he came up with the long form of his birth certificate yesterday. As far as us folks from the great state of Alabama are concerned, this man Obama might as well be a citizen of Mars.
A concerned Republican Tea Party Patriot from Alabama”
Well, I think that about sums things up. We, the staff at Southpaw, looked into this issue as well and found that our Alabama proud patriot is right. Hawaii is NOT attached to the United States. It is a tiny set of islands some 2000 miles in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. How it got there we don’t know. But we do know that once America and, indeed, the world finds out about this, without question this could turn out to be one of the greatest controversies since Geraldo Rivera opened up Al Capone’s vault in 1986 and came up empty. It was a hoax then….and this place called Hawaii is a hoax now.
To prove our point, we traveled to America’s epicenter of objectivity and progressive thought: Wal-Mart, where we spoke to a number of customers in the parking lot:
“Pardon me a moment sir….what are your thoughts on President Obama’s citizenship?”
“Osama? I thought we done caught him in that hole in Iraq. Least that ‘s what I done heard.”
“What about you ma’am? Your thoughts on this place called Hawaii and whether or not the President is a citizen of the United States or not?”
“Well, as far as I’m concerned, if he ain’t from South Carolina he ain’t much uh nuttin’ to begin with. And besides, if he is who he says he is, how come the price of this box of 100 corndogs done gone up some 75 cents just since last week? How come is that?!?!”
“Uh, I wouldn’t know ma’am. But it sounds definitely sounds like a conspiracy cooked up by this man from some place called Hawaii. “
Folks, as far as Southpaw is concerned, America’s verdict is in: This President is a foreigner….plain and simple. We challenge him to produce a document that proves he was born not IN but ON the United States of America and not some island in the pacific. As far as we’re concerned, until he does that he is NOT our President…..that, and change the color of his skin.
Every three years or so a day comes along to make me forget what a fucked up country the U.S. is. That day is Monday, March 7th, 2011…..
….when the new REM album is released.
Here’s a taste:
I have just one question for you Justices Roberts, Scalia, Sotomayor, Kennedy, Bader-Ginsburg, Thomas, Breyer, and Kagan…..
“Would you be okay with filth like Fred Phelps and his filthy church and its filthy membership picketing their fucking filth and hate outside of a funeral for your kid who was killed in Iraq or Afghanistan? This is not a “shades of gray” question Justices….just a fucking yes or no please so kindly refrain from all of your usual mechanized horseshit and hyperbole.”
“You can’t render an answer? I didn’t think so. Gutless wonders one and all.”
And I don’t give a flying fuck about the 1st Amendment. A line should be permanently drawn in the sand when it comes to the sort of animalistic hate that spews from the mouths of inhumanity as the Westboro Baptist Church. Like the KKK, Nazi’s, Aryans, and all the rest of the despicable right-wing hate groups that preceded Westboro, they should simply be taken behind the barn and shot.
p.s As if we needed any additional proof there is no god, if there was one he would have strategically sent some well-placed bolts of lightening to slice and dice the fuckers in the picture above. Plus, he would de-nut every dude associated with Westboro, starting w/ Fred Phelps, assuring there’s no chance of making any more of them. He hasn’t done any of that….thus there is no god. Of course, you already knew that.