“Okay children that’s it for tonight. Time for bed.”
“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”
“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”
“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great. And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Grandpa, I’m scared.”
“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one. You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with. And what do you think this is in my lap? Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times. Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to you. Did you forget how to use em?!”
“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.
“Hahahahahahaha. Well then, let me continue with my story. Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”
“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”
“Hahahahahaha! Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret. I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment. They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”
Lucifer
“Grandpa, what’s water?”
“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago. But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. “
“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”
(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”
“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”
“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”
“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”
“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”
“Where is that Grandpa?”
“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here. We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know. And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”
“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight. Time for bed.”
“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”
“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”
“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”
“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:
(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))
Father of our country
Not a black face among them. Thank God !
“Now off to bed!. Good night children. Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”
The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk
Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics. But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:
The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.
“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.
“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut.
“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”
“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.
Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.
“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss. ”They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks. As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk. I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”
Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking
Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.
“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.
Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we callThe Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”
“HEY MOM!!”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: ”But my dad says…..never mind….”
Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
The crowd of Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” ”I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: ”That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!’”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
A growing mob prepares to question potential queers
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. ”JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: ”BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: ”What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. ”YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: ”I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: ”Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
((BLAM!!))
Scalia: ”He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: ”Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
(((BLAM BLAM!!!))
Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: ”Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: ”I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: ”You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: ”You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Maple St. is coming apart at the seams
Michele Bachmann: ”It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7
Todd Palin: ”Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: ”Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
((BLAM BLAM!!!))))
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: ”What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: ”It said: ”Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: ”And that was it??”
Zodox: ”That was it”
Xoxdox: ”You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: ”And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: ”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Xoxdox: ”I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: ”We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”
The Honorable Ted Cruz 317 Russell Senate Office Building Washington, DC 20510
Dear Ted,
We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed. You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots. Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day. We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me. In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along. We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.
You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years. I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.
Ted in his best demagogue pose
Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman. Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task ! You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.
Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you. That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric. But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now. I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along. And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day. What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American. You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.
How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?
I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here. You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here. I hope you’re alright with that. I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it. And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like. I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell. And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics. We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler. So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light. You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.
Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate. We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.
You’re a great American.
Your friend,
Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee
Joe in his best inquisition pose
P.S. Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do. How does this sound? ”Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!
I am sure you have heard about the femininity study that HuffPO, the Daily Beast, and other rags are talking about. It seems that low-IQ female Republican politicians like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin are more feminine in appearance than more mentally acute female Democratic politicians like Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright. Yawn. This has prompted conservatives to hoot that Republican women as a whole are hot and to jeer at the liberal “crones.” Here is typical Republican proof of a beauty divide:
This proves it
Two, of course, can play this silly game. And to demonstrate that the Republicans are full of crap, I only have to post two pictures:
Democrat
Republican
Case closed.
So let’s move now to the other finding in the study that everyone so far has overlooked–and that is that male Democratic politicians are more “masculine” than male Republican politicians. I am not exactly sure what “masculine” means in this study but I can say that those of us who love strong manly men know that Democratic men–not just the politicians but Democratic men generally–are the sexiest men alive. We don’t need pictures to prove it. All we have to do is remember the hot, steamy, muscular guys who have sprung loose the coil and sent us blind and howling into the star swirl. They were Democrats all.
So here’s to Democratic men…who respect us and vote for us if we are smart, whether we are pretty or not…who keep our hearts open to the poor and the downtrodden…who inspire us to value love in its many different forms…who help us to live lives of intellectual adventure and scientific passion and wonder. Beautiful or plain, we would not trade places with any Republican alive. So take the study on femininity and stuff it…in a deep pit of hell if such a place can be found outside the shallow imagination of an evangelical Republican idiot.
“Welcome to Freedom Center ! Can I help you?” said a welcoming large woman wearing a red, white, and blue set of stretch pants.
The color of Freedom
“Well, I was just wondering where I go to sign up for freedom,” I said.
“Well you’re certainly in the right place. If you just want to put your name down on one of our freedom sheets we’ll get you fixed up with some freedom in no time flat. How much freedom were you interested in…the tall, medium, or large portion of freedom?”
“Can I get that freedom supersized?!?”
“ABSOLUTELY!!”
(((hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!))))
“Why we absolutely can do that. We get orders everyday to supersize freedom and we just love supersizing freedom because the more freedom you get, the better you’ll be, right?”
“RIGHT!”
Freedom fighters celebrate diversity and, of course, freedom over pizza, chips, and other shitty food.
“So, would you like to volunteer for freedom now?”
“No time like the present…cause freedom isn’t free.”
“Well said. So, let me show you where we keep our freedom phones for freedom phone banking. Let me introduce you to Biff, Barbie, Buffy, Bobby, Billie, and Chip….we call them our Take Our Country Back evening crew.”
“Hi welcome to Freedom Headquarters!!’ said the six lily white Republican freedom fighters gleefully. “What’s your name?!?”
“I’m Skippy,” I lied.
“Well, you’ll fit right in!!”
“So how long have you guys been Romney supporters?”
(((Ahem)) “We’re FREEDOM supporters,” they said correcting me.
“We’re not REALLY Romney supporters,” said Barbie, “as much as we’re just against a colored man being President who has taken our country from us.”
“Hi I’m Bobby….please vote white, just because it’s right.”
“And we just want it back before he ruins it like colored people ruin everything,” said Biff.
“But we’re not racist or anything,” chimed in Buffy….”we just don’t like colored people being in charge of our freedom.”
“Well said Buffy,” said Bobby.
“Well I can understand that,” I said concurring with their well-thought-out analysis.
Republican freedom fighters hold this child, who accidentally wandered into their headquarters from her ghetto of welfare and squalor, until a swat team arrives. “It’s been a terrifying ordeal,” said one fat white woman who refused to be identified. “I JUST WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!!!!!” screamed another.
“So let’s get you started on freedom! Here’s your freedom phone and here’s one of your freedom phone scripts if you’d like to go over it a few times to see how you do.”
“Okay…..let me just read over this a couple of times”:
Hi, I’m calling to ask you to support Mitt Romney for President. We must take our country back now and we can’t afford four more years of a Muslim radical running our country into the ground and giving away all of our hard-earned dollars to the 47 percent of the shiftless and lazy colored people who don’t want to work and live on welfare and stuff. We’re not racist or anything….we just don’t like colored people very much which is why we’re asking for your support on November 6th. Please vote for Romney. If you have any questions or you would like to volunteer or if you need a yard sign, call us at 645-Fre-dumb.
“That’s a great sounding script.”
“Glad you like it. We wrote it. Just get started and let us know if you need anything. There’s pizza, chips, and soda in the room next door. Just remember to always keep the following in your mind when you’re making calls”:
“FREEDOM IS WHITE AND WHITE IS RIGHT!!”
(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!))) “I just love working with all of you,” said Chip. ”How ’bout a group hug?”
“A FREEDOM HUG!!”
“And on that note, this is SPB….on location, at a local Republican campaign headquarters.”
“We take great pride in our diversity,” said Ophelia Cox as she prepares to cut this ribbon of freedom.
“To Kill A Mockingbird”….starring Mitt Romney as Atticus Finch:
It was a hot, sticky, summer evening in Alabama. Atticus Finch rocked on his front porch with his two children, Jem and Scout, as he pondered how he would defend Tom Robinson, a black man being accused of raping a white woman at a trial beginning the next day.
His two children were coming of age and were beginning to ask “coming-of-age” questions.
“Atticus?”
“Yes Scout?”
“Are we rich?”
“My God yes Scout….whatever would make you ask such a foolish question? Why I have more than 500 million in off-shore accounts in the Cayman Islands alone….and that represents just a fraction of my wealth.”
“Well, Cecil O’Malley at school says you must be rich… otherwise you wouldn’t be defending a nigger man for free if you needed the money.”
“Scout, what have I told you about that term? That’s what common lower and middle class whites whose jobs I’ve taken through corporate takeovers and downsizing call colored people to whom they direct their anger when they should be angry at me.”
“Well then why ARE you defending Tom Robinson, Atticus? insisted Jem.
“Well Jem….Cecil is right….we don’t need the money. But there’s more to it than that. You see, I’m running for higher office soon and I could use whatever minority vote I can get….even if the only people who vote for me is the Robinson family. By defending Tom Robinson, Jem, this is my cynical way of appearing as if I really care about the colored man.”
“Well do you care about the colored man Atticus?
“Why of course not Jem..hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Don’t be silly.”
“Atticus?”
“Yes, Scout?”
“What does “cynical” mean?”
“Well Scout, it’s what people like me become when they’re filthy rich and they feel like they can do anything they want and manipulate everything and everyone they come in contact with.”
“What does “manipulate” mean, Atticus?”
“Well Scout, it’s something that disingenuous people like me do when they can get what they want through any means necessary….even if those means are dishonest. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“Atticus?
“Yes Scout?”
“What does “disingenuous” mean?”
“Shut the fuck up, Scout.”
“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”…Starring Mitt Romney as Brick:
“Why Brick, darlin’, ah need a man and ah need one now.”
“Well Maggie,what I need is a drink…and then another, and another..”
“Well Big Daddy says the reason you won’t give me what I want, Brick darlin’, is because you’re a stiff, emotionless man who walks like a politician with a cob up his ass….and that you’re in love with another man!”
“That’s insane Maggie and you can tell that fat fucking father of yours I said so. I have no intention of marrying Timmy no matter how much I may love him because as a Mormon I’m repulsed by homosexuals and I’m even more against gay marriage.”
Maggie waits for the Brick….who will never come
“Why Brick, who said ANYTHING about gay marriage? And who is this Timmy you say you’re in love with?”
“Uhh, nobody…who said anything about Timmy?”
“Why you did Brick darlin’….just now.”
“Maggie….what I WOULD love….is another drink. Now why don’t you go into the bedroom and get into your sexy underthings and after I finish I’ll be in there to give you the high hard one.”
“Oh Brick…do you promise?”
“Yes Maggie….right after I pop these five or six Viagra and read over the latest copy of Blueboy.”
Paths of Glory….Starring Mitt Romney as General Mireau:
(General Mireau inspects the troops in the trenches)
“Well, hello there soldier….are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“Yes sir….just show me where they are.”
“HAHAHA…very good soldier.”
“You there soldier….are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Good. And you soldier…..are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“Sir?”
“I say, are you ready to kill some Afghans, soldier?”
“Uh yes sir…..I mean no sir…..I mean I think I am sir…I mean…I’m sorry sir, uh?”
“SHUT UP YOU STINKING COWARD….GET THIS STINKING COWARD OUT OF MY FACE!!”
“Col Dax, you are in charge of these men….what is a stinking coward doing in a man’s Army? All MEN should be willing to fight for the United States of America and die for its freedom.”
“Yes sir, but….”
“Col Dax…..by my estimations, your next mission….to take the Afghan Anthill, will cost more than half of your men…perhaps even more. They shall die patriots Col Dax….for freedom defending the greatest country on earth.”
“Sir, you speak as if me losing over half of my men is of little consequence.”
“Why Col Dax….it IS of little consequence because they are dying for defending freedom much like my own five sons would if not for the fact that they are members of an elite class and would never serve alongside the likes of these vermin here. Besides, three of them are millionaire hedge fund managers working on Wall St and the other two are at studying law at Ivy League schools.”
“You don’t say sir?”
“Why Col Dax, I myself would have served in battle and even considered dying as a true patriot for this incredible country of ours if it were not for the fact that as a young man I was serving a greater cause….as a missionary for the Church of The Later Day Saints.”
“Why sir, I always thought that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.”
“What was that Col Dax?”
“Nothing sir.”
“Col Dax, I demand immediately that you tell me what you said.”
“Well sir, Samuel Johnson once said that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel…that is, those who wrap themselves in our flag while calling for the blood of others…..are disingenuous cowards.”
“COL DAX I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!!!”
“General….I will apologize…..I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!!! For you are a disgusting pussy-face degenerate! I will apologize for not having the GUTS to say that to you what I’ve always wanted to say to you.”
“And what would that be Col. Dax?”
“You, sir, are lower than rat shit. You sir….are nearly as worthless as Mitt Romney himself.”
“Col Dax, you’ve gone too far. I shall take not one more second of your impertinence and I shall see you before a courts martial.”
…..join us for the next edition of Masterpiece Theater with Mitt Romney as Captain Queeg in “The Caine Mutiny”, as Ted Bundy in “The Deliberate Stranger”, and as the cowardly soldier who General Patton slaps in the war epic, “Patton.”
Nothing speaks to freedom more than red, white, and blue balloons
This year’s Republican Convention in Tampa was an event for the ages. The stars came out like never before with some of the biggest names in the music and movie industries, such as Pat Boone, The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skynard, Larry the Cable Guy and Jamie “Klinger” Farr making an appearance and thrilling delegates like Bert and Ernie Crotchrot of Macon, Mississippi.
Ernie kisses wife Bert, who is also his mother, at the Republican convention
“I saw the Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skyard, and my all time favorite singer Pat Boone,”said an overly excited Bert Crotchrot. Boone headlined the second day’s events by serenading the 80-plus crowd with his last major hit, 1957′s “I Don’t Want Your Pussy {Cat}.”
Who needs Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio when you have “Mr. Whitebucks”. Boone appearing at the convention in his favorite shirt before heading back to his suite at the Hilton Garden Inn to have sex with underage boys.
“People make fun of us,” said Bert’s husband, Ernie, “but we’ve got Boone, Meatloaf, Pat Sajak, and George Hamilton and all the other side has is George Clooney, Bruce Springsteen, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio. What a bunch of losers,” Crotchrot added with glee.
But the biggest buzz of the event came when the corpse of Ronald Reagan put in an appearance for the third Republican Convention in a row–this time in the form of washed-up actor Jon Voight.
The corpse of Ronald Reagan appearing as Jon Voight this year….who appears stunned and pissed in this photo when told the Georgia mountain hillbillies never really wanted to cornhole him up the ass in Deliverance preferring Ned Beatty all along.
“The place went nuts when The Gipper showed up,” said Max Santorum of Buttlick, Oklahoma. ”He might have looked like Jon Voight but we all knew who he was. That walk, that look, and that teflon smile….all unmistakably Reagan, said Santorum.
“And then when he got up there and said, It’s morning in America again, well, that just brought the house down,” added Santorum.
“Four years ago it was Clint Eastwood who appeared as the corpse of Ronald Reagan,” said Republican Convention spokesperson and organizer, Claude Balls. ”But this year he appeared as a crazed and blabbering, senile old man who talked to a chair. We knew he couldn’t possibly be Ronald Reagan if he was blabbering and senile,” added Balls. ”Next year we hope to have Wayne Newton appear as Ronald Reagan. But if we’re REALLY lucky, we can get Tom Selleck,” he added.
Freedom isn’t free. And these beauts were purchased for only 149.95 at Payless Shoe Stores in Lawton, Oklahoma.
This year’s convention was dominated by hot topics such as fried chicken, semen, queers, and freedom/9-11 which we discussed with some of the delegates.
“Sir?” I asked a Mississippi delegate. “I understand the idea has come up to serve more fried chicken at future Republican conventions in an effort to reach out to minorities and draw more African Americans besides Condoleezza Rice to the convention. Can you confirm that?”
Country First….expresses this fucking old whore who still thinks McCain is running
“Yes…it’s our understanding that negroes like fried chicken,” said the Mississippi delegate.
“Well, first of all….you do know that the term negro is no longer considered acceptable. And, second, where did you get your information on the fried chicken thing?”
“We obtained that information from the website http://www.whitepower.com which also referred to these people as negroes which means it must be okay.”
“Why there’s Patricia Heaton of Everybody Loves Raymond fame! Excuse me….MS HEATON! MS. HEATON!!”
“Yes? How are you?”
“Good, Ms. Heaton…and it’s good to see you here at the Republican Convention again. I just had a couple of quick questions: Do you think the fact that you’re a crazed, irrational, glassy-eyed anti abortionist has anything to do with the fact that your career has tanked and you’re now simply regarded as a fucking whackjob?“
Patricia Heaton says you men out there may be tempted to whack off to her tits….but you would be killing semen if you do and for that you will very likely burn in semen-killing hell which is why she wears this cross between her tits in order to make you men out there, including me, less likely to whack off to her tits.
“Well, I haven’t really given it much thought….but you may have a point.”
“We at SPB have learned that you’re now championing a crusade called Semen is Life…what exactly do you mean by that?”
“Well, our organization believes that life begins at the male ejaculation stage and we, therefore, believe that unless semen is being ejaculated to conceive life, it should not be ejaculated at all.”
“Hmmm…really? Does that include jerking off.”
“Absolutely.”
“So you don’t believe men should jerk off in the interest of not misusing semen?”
“Yes…that’s exactly what we believe. Every time you or any other man jerks off, you’re sending semen to its death. We don’t believe in that which is why we believe President Obama is a socialist and is not from this earth.”
“Excuse me Ms. Heaton….I have to ask a question of this couple from Salt Lake City, Utah. Can I get your names please?”
“Yes, I’m Donny Osmond and this is my wife Marie.”
“Mr. and Ms. Osmond….queers have been a hot topic at this year’s convention. How do you feel about queers having gay sex?”
“Well, we would be against that of course,” said Donny Osmond.
“Yea, but what if that homo sex was something you were totally oblivious to and taking place thousands of miles from your home, in the privacy of someone else’s home, behind closed doors?”
“We would still be against it,” chimed in Marie Osmond.
“Say Marie, would you suck my dick if it was clean?” “Why of course not Donny….that would be very un-Mormon like. “Why Marie…..YOU DIRTY COCKSUCKER!!!!” “HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA….Donny you’re such a cut-up.”
“That’s right,” added her husband. ”We’re against anything that we don’t know about in a place that we’re not aware of involving people we don’t know.”
“But we definitely believe in freedom,” added his wife.
“Speaking of which, who do you believe will be better for freedom: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?”
“We, of course, believe Mitt Romney, when he’s elected President, will give us back the freedom that Barack Obama has taken away from us ever since 9-11,” said Mr. Osmond.
“Pardon?”
“Freedom began on 9-11 and we believe that freedom will be restored in America if we have another 9-11 and we believe there’s a much greater chance of having another 9-11 under a President Romney,” said Marie Osmond.
“Then and only then will we get our country back,” said Donny Osmond.
“Well, how does God feel about the fact that you as a Mormon are fucking your sister?” I asked Donny.
“God is very forgiving….especially to us members of the Church of Latter Day Saints.”
This is SPB reporting from the Republican Convention in Tampa, Fl.
Former Presidents Bush and Reagan, and their respective wives, give the thumbs up for Mitt Romney.
Texas Senate candidate, Republican Ted Cruz, has overwhelmingly won the Pussy Face of the Year award for 2012 beating out five-time champ, Republican Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, and two-time champ, Georgia Republican Representative Tom Price, who finished second and third respectively. Others receiving votes were Republican Rep., Ben Quayle of Arizona, Texas Republican members of the U.S. House, Representatives, Joe Barton and Louie Gohmert, Karl Rove, and Todd Palin.
Quintessential, prototypical Pussy Face
Emotionless eyes, cherub/evangelical cheeks, chin hanging out at the bottom=the perfect Pussy Face. Plus, notice the American Flag lapel pin: All Pussy Faces wear an American Flag lapel pin….but not ALL American Flag lapel pin wearers are Pussy Faces.
First-time winner Cruz, will receive his award at this year’s annual Hargis/Dobson Pussy Face Awards Ceremony on September 21st in Colorado Springs, Co. sponsored by the Pussy Face Association of Texas. Named after the late Rev Billy James Hargis, a four-time award winner and two-time award winner, the Rev James Dobson, this year’s award will be presented by Pussy Face Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay.
Award named after famous pedophiles Reverend’s Hargis and…….
….Dobson
“I’m proud to receive the Pussy Face award,” said Cruz. ”And I’m proud to be named to such an elite organization with members such as Gary Bauer and Ted Haggard.”
With a face like this, Cruz may never lose again
Behind those Cheshire cat eyes and those rugged good looks is a pussy face that can’t be hidden by a mere goatee….as much as Todd Palin would try
“Pussy Face” is defined as someone who is Republican, chinless, has puffed up, cherub cheeks, hollow/emotionless eyes, a somewhat sharp nose, who could likely pass as a woman if wearing women’s clothes, with a few exceptions has a biblical name, and who has a shit-eating look on his face that is immediately appealing to evangelicals yet repelling to sane people.
Pussy Face and…..
…..non Pussy Face
“It’s my understanding that the Pussy Face characteristic is exclusive to American evangelicals which makes it that much more special to receive such an elite award,” said Cruz.
Asked to comment, Hall of Fame member, Tom Delay, said Cruz has what it takes to be a Pussy Face Hall of Famer himself.
All-time Pussy Face champ, Hall of Famer, Tom Delay
“He’s got the look,” said Delay. ”He reminds me of me when I was an up-and-coming, aspiring Pussy Face.”
“Why I’m so proud of him, I could just give him a blowjob….uhh…err….but, of course I won’t,” said Delay. ”That’s certainly not what this honor is all about so I absolutely refudiate* what I just said,” backtracked Delay.
So you made a good move today in your otherwise sorry ass life of shit-ass moves and your otherwise miserable tenure as the worst Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court in history. Well, you’re still a fucking dick. And I just wanted to make sure you heard it from me first.
If you think this exonerates you from all the other shit-ass moves you’ve made, you’ve got another thing coming. And you may think reluctantly being on the right side of a 5-4 vote for once will somehow protect your legacy…but you’d be wrong. Before you take any bows you should be reminded, John, that this should have been a 9-0 no-brainer vote for the people. If you had been doing your job, it…and all other important votes, would have been unanimously for the people. That is, if you REALLY had wanted to do the right thing for the people you would have long ago horsewhipped your four cohorts in crime till their backsides were raw and they were begging to vote with the liberal justices on this and all other issues. And you would have added fifty extra lashes to the back side of that miserable retard named Clarence Thomas who has no more business being on the Supreme Court than a fucking donkey.
“Clarence Thomas can bite my ass….and believe me, I got a big one!”
And we all know you did this because of the backlash you’ve received and, hopefully, will continue to receive over Citizen’s United. Furthermore, anyone with any sanity knows, too, that for the rest of your miserable life on the court we can all count on you making us pay for your reluctant slither to the side of reason on this date, June 28, 2012 by insuring never again to even come close to voting with the likes of anyone named Breyer, Ginsburg, Kagan, and Sotomayor. We all know you’re going to make us eat this today if it takes you the rest of your miserable life to do so. You crawl your way to the finish line and barely cross it. That doesn’t sound like much of a victory lap to me. You’re still the fucker who gave us Citizen’s United. …and a host of other byzantine laws of which we can never rid ourselves.
So don’t take a bow just yet John despite the fact that liberals throughout the world, in their schizophrenic rush to judgment, are giving you momentary credit for this move….and even saying nice things about you. What a fucking mistake.
By tomorrow morning the sane ones will wake up to realize that despite your vote today, you’re still a miserable fucking dick.
….and one more last thing: can we PUUUULEEEZZZE dispel any further notion that Anthony Kennedy is, was, or ever will be fucking “swing” anything. The only thing “swing” about Anthony Kennedy is quite possibly how he “swings” from rams to the occasional ewe depending on his momentary mood.
