by gordita, SPB Religious Affairs Correspondent
…
In the wake of news that the richest 400 American families own more wealth than the bottom 50% of Americans, these wickedly rich families–mostly headed by Waltons and hedge fund managers–gathered to hold the first meeting of the Association for Sacrilegious Plutocrats or “ASP” for short. I was present (fully clothed) to cover the meeting and with me to answer questions was Bubba Walton, the group’s secretary.
“Far be it from me to suggest there is something wrong with being sacrilegious but ASP sounds a little bit sinister,” I said. “Are you sure that is the effect you were striving for?”
“Absolutely. Sinister is precisely what we wanted,” said Walton.
“Why is that, Mr. Walton?”
“Haven’t you figured out…this is a satanic witches’ coven.”
“Yeah, well I was wondering why there was a group of naked people sitting in a circle but satanic witches’ coven was not the first explanation that popped into my mind. Tell me, Mr. Walton, why devil worship?”
“Isn’t it clear?”
“Uh…not really. Can you enlighten me?”
“Who do you think is in charge of a country where 400 families have more wealth than 150,000,000 Americans combined?”
“Uh…you think the Devil is in charge?”
“Who else could turn a whole country into a sickly, fat, ignorant, trembling, lonely, addicted, jingoistic bunch of Walmart shoppers who are tripping over each other to cut taxes for the rich?”
“Interesting perspective, Mr. Walton…very interesting. I prefer to view Satan and God as metaphors, but that is neither here nor there. Could you tell me more more about ASP? For example, does it have a satanic creed?”
“Everything ASP stands for is right in here,” said Mr. Walton.
“Errrr,” I said. “I’ve always wondered if Satan didn’t slip a few things in there just to get people turned around. Like Revelations and Armageddon, for example.”
“Ha! Vintage Satan.”
“And all that nasty stuff about women and gays?”
“Satan.”
Ephesians 6:5-8? And accept Jesus as your lord and savior or burn in hell fire?
“Satan. Satan. Satan.”
“And this is what is responsible for….”
“Yes. Satan is responsible for creating a stable of American voters who don’t give a rat’s ass about what is happening to the country because a) they think that Jesus is going to make them millionaires or b) they think that any moment they are going to be dancing with Jesus on sunbeams. Meanwhile, wealth is being transferred from the poor and middle class to the rich like there is no tomorrow. Which is why we are gathering naked to praise him.”
“Praise Satan, you mean.”
“Yes.”
Praise Satan
“You seem to know a lot about this guy, Satan, Mr. Walton.”
“Please, call me Bubba.”
Bealzebub “Bubba” Walton as a young boy
“Tell me if you will…Bubba…how come, since regular Americans are so keen on the Satanic biblical verses…why aren’t they being rewarded with riches like you guys?”
<<LOL!!!!>> “You crack me up, gordita. Haven’t you figured it out? It’s because the poor schleps are praising the wrong guy.”
“You mean they are going around saying, ‘Praise Jesus,’ instead of congregating in satanic covens?”
“Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Give the lady a kiss! Seriously, gordita, hippie4ever hit the nail on the head in some of his blog comments. You can’t slaughter the Indians, institute slavery, steal the Sun Belt from Mexico, have the biggest prison system in the world, and deliver the kind of health care we give in this country and call ourselves a good, god-loving nation. When people do that, Satan gets royally pissed off. It just isn’t right giving god the credit when he didn’t do jack to earn it.”
“Are you saying that if people worship Satan overtly, and give credit where credit is due so to speak, they will be rewarded with riches?”
“Exactly right, gordita. But we try to keep that on the QT if you get my drift.”
“You think Americans would flock to satanic covens if they knew? For money?”
“Sheeeeeeiiit, gordita! Haven’t you been paying attention? Considering all of the atrocities Americans have committed for money, you don’t think they would stampede the aisles to worship the devil?!?!?!?! You apparently have not been a participant in a midnight madness celebration.”
“Actually, Bubba, I think that Americans are rather keen on clothing their iniquity with sanctity–which is why your family held regular prayer meetings with Walmart senior management.”
“Ha! You thought they were prayer meetings! I think you underestimate what most people would do for a buck, gordita.”
“Okay, Bubba. Please bear with me while I wrap my head around this. If more Americans explicitly worship Satan and get richer, where will all the money come from?”
“Why…from the same places American plutocrats have always gotten money! From the primitive god-worshiping people in the Third World!”
“So…taking what you’re saying a step further…in order for there to be economic justice for everyone in the world, what’s required is a world-wide leap into the arms of Satan?”
“Emphatically yes, gordita.”
“Frankly, what you are suggesting sounds depressingly like a plan for the end of the world.”
…
“Exactly right, gordita. That is the depressing plan for the end of the world. But remember…mum’s the word.”
“Um. I’m having difficulty following a lot of your logic, Bubba, but I appreciate your taking time out from your meeting to talk to me.”
“Sure thing, gordita…and any time you want to get naked <<WINK>> just give me a call.”
