Category Archives: Fuck me!!

I’ll be back….

ThinkerToilet

In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are  wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.

In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)

As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….

FUCK IT!!!!  Never mind

Mitch McConnell Vows to Make Obama a Two-Term President

Senate Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky today vowed to make President Obama a two-term President.

“Two terms and that’s it,” McConnell said of Obama

“If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I will see to it with all my power that I make this illegitimate, non-American, half-breed, obscenity of a man a two-term President,”  a resolute McConnell told a group of reporters who were gathered in the Capitol Rotunda.

“Let me repeat, making Obama a two-term President is my single most important political goal.”

When reminded that the President, or any President, is constitutionally limited to two terms anyway, McConnell brushed off the reminder.

“Well, the Constitution is a big document that not all of us have had a chance to read word for word,” he said.

“That’s true Senator McConnell,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of ABC News.  “But besides your top priority, what else, if anything, are your political goals besides striving to stay the single ugliest, most lizard-like, pedophile-looking, sack of ape shit in the U.S. Senate?”

Mitch McConnell, aka “Senator Dick Magnet”

“Nothing…those are my two goals.”

“You are aware, Senator, that your 20-year reign of ugliest, chinless, fish-eyed, reptilian sack of shit may be severely compromised by Senator-elect Ted Cruz of Texas, correct Senator? reminded Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent for NBC News.

“I am aware of that,” acknowledged McConnell. “But no matter how pasty-white, butt-ugly and pedophile-looking Cruz may be, he will never be able to touch me once I deck out in my relatively famous red, white, and blue spandex thong.”

“Yes Senator…he may not be able to touch YOU…but will YOU be touching him much like you have improperly touched many a Republican freshman Senator before him?” asked CNN’S Wolf Blitzer.

“Yes, of course ….it’s part of my personal indoctrination to the U.S. Senate,” said McConnell.

“Does that include fucking Ted Cruz up the ass Senator?” asked Martha Raditz of ABC News.

Ted Cruz will get in line…or get it in the end

“If that’s what it takes to get Cruz in line with my rigid, uncompromising, and obstructionist position in my effort to try and bring the country down because of its election of a black man as President, than of course I’ll do that and much more,” said McConnell.

“A reach-around Senator?” asked Blitzer.

“Whatever it takes.”

“Well Senator, from what I’ve seen thus far of Ted Cruz, I suspect he will be a most willing participant,” said Chuck Todd.

“That’s what I’m hoping for and that’s what I expect,” said McConnell.

And with that, McConnell retreated to his opulent Senate office where he commenced rubbing off to a recent picture of Ted Cruz.

FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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…..as for Mitt Romney, he says he will now leave the country and, along with his 18 sons, 160 grandchildren, and 450 great grandchildren, will form a country of his own and tentatively call it Baincapistan.

Mitt Likes Tits

The ever-vigilant investigative team of SPB has uncovered the following personal ad by Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, on the Christian dating website, Christianmingle.com:

White male,  “Hugh Beaumont” look-a-like, middle-aged but vibrant and youthful with a full head of hair, looking for new soul-mate for prayer, politics, and pleasure with a like-minded,  Christian woman, preferably one of the “Later Day Saints” persuasion  and preferably one with big, big tits and a large ass who also prefers the late 50’s, early 60’s style of living and dress,   If you’re looking for excitement, “Excitement” is my middle name.  Straight sex please….with occasional anal….and please no fems, fatties, queers, smokers, or dopers.  I love reading the bible, stock quotes, discussing capital gains, making fudge, and packing some on occasions.  Are you the one for me?  Call Mitt at 312-More-man   and let’s find out.

Hugh Beaumont

Asked to comment on the ad, Romney campaign spokesperson, Matt Rhoades, would neither confirm or deny it was written by Romney saying only that the Governor gets as lonely as the next guy on the campaign trail.

Romney’s circa ‘mid-50’s undergarments helps control flip-flopping of his mini meat

Ann Romney to Appear in Hustler

“I’m a Mother Interested n Liberty and Freedom !!”

Ann Romney, wife of Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, has volunteered to appear in a photo spread in Hustler magazine’s annual MILF edition.

“As a Mother Interested in Liberty and Freedom I consider it my patriotic duty to appear in such a fine magazine,” said Ms. Romney.

“A wonderfully kind man named Mr. Larry Flynt called me up one day and asked me  if I would appear in the his magazine.  I thought it was such a nice gesture coming from such a nice man.”

“I just told him that I’m honored to appear in his magazine of liberty and freedom and that I’ve always been someone who worked very hard and hustled at whatever I did.  It’s so wonderful that Mr. Flynt features hard working people who hustle in his magazine.”

This MILF is hustlin’ up a batch of cookies for liberty and freedom

Asked to comment, Larry Flynt said he’s been after Ann Romney for some time for his hot as hell, over-60 MILF edition.

“She could clearly suck the chrome off a trailer hitch,” said Flynt.  “And I can’t believe she’s doing this for free.  On the other hand, she and her fucking husband sure don’t need the money.”

Larry Flynt and his posse who will lend their “skills” to Ann Romney on the day of her big photo shoot

“So what sort of spread are you going to have her featured in?” I asked.

“We’ll start her out with a donkey….a real randy donkey named Rudy,” Flynt said…”sort of a funny, ha-ha Democratic symbol vs the horny MILF,” laughed Flynt.

“What’s the donkey going to do to her?”

“You’ll have to wait till December,” said Flynt.

When told that Ann Romney actually believes that MILF stands for Mothers Interested in Liberty and Freedom, Flynt began to choke from laughter.

“What a dumb, fucking whore,” laughed Flynt….”just the way I like my women….and precisely why she’s a Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” he added.  “Dumb, naive, and right-wing women….they turn me on man…what can I say?  I just wish my dick worked cause if it did, I swear to god I’d be swinging it in the direction of Ann Romney.”

Ann Romney will be part of the 28-page “Conservative MILFs Want it Bad” in December’s Christmas edition of Hustler.

“It’s nice to see that there are still young ladies who like to hustle,” said Ann Romney of the model on this “Hustler” cover. Although she did express some disapproval over the skimpiness of her bikini.

Who could resist this MILF

“I’m not exactly sure why Mr. Flynt asked me to bring two large bottles of cooking oil and a bucket of Vaseline on the day of my photo shoot,” said a perplexed Ann Romney. “But whatever he needs me to do in the pursuit of liberty and freedom, I will oblige.”

Sarah Meets the Other Todd

Missouri Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, finally got a chance to meet his hero.  Sarah Palin was recently in the “Show Me” state to campaign for various Republican candidates and, to Akin’s surprise, called up the candidate and arranged a meet up at the Super Eight Motel where Palin was staying.

Super Eight….Missouri’s finest hotel

“So how are ya?!  I’ve been looking forward to meeting ya!”

“Me too Governor…this is a real thrill.”

Akin wears his custom-made finest hairpiece for his meet and greet

“Well, why don’tcha just come on in and make yourself comfortable and let’s talk a little about the campaign!”

“Wow, this is a real honor Governor.  I can’t tell you how much I admire you and all that you’ve done for our country.  I’ve been wanting to pick your brain forever about how to take our country back.”

“There’s lots of time for that Todd…can I call you Todd?”

“Sure Governor!” gushed Akin.

“Todd….let’s lots of time for campaign talk.  Why don’t ya relax and take your shoes off.  I was just about to have my fourth glass of wine….would ya like one Todd?”

“Uh, sure Governor….uh, I don’t really drink…but as long as you’re having…uh, your fourth.  So Governor, how are we gonna take our country back?  And how can I beat Claire McCaskill?”

“Todd….why don’t ya sit next to me on my king size Super Eight bed and we can talk all kinds of campaign stuff.”

Governor Palin prepares for some “campaign talk” with Todd Akin

“Uh, sure Governor….I guess I’m just a little…”

“Todd, you’ve been on the campaign trail awhile now.  Are ya gettin’ any?!”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Are ya gettin’ any…you know what, Todd?”

“Well Governor, I’m really not sure what you mean exactly and…wow this wine sure is good.”

“…cause Todd, a man…especially a hardworking campaigning virile man such as yourself can’t think straight unless he’s gettin’ some while on the campaign trail.”

“Well I never thought about it like that Governor….jeez, this wine has really gone straight to my head….I’m even feeling a little woozy. “

“Well Todd, why don’tcha just take that shirt of yours off and just relax.  My it’s kind of warm in here isn’t it?  Ya mind if I just slip out of this  blouse and skirt so we can talk campaign stuff comfortably?”

“I guess I don’t mind Governor….whatever makes you feel better.”

“And what makes YOU feel better Todd?  I mean, what gets you off?”

“Well Governor….I’m not sure what you mean by “gets me off”….but I enjoy all sorts of things….like singing songs with the family, prayer meetings with my neighbors, signing hymns in church, and other stuff. Is that what you mean?”

“Todd….do you like my ass?”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Have you got shit in your ears?  I asked you if you like my ass?”

“Well I guess so Governor…I’ve always felt like you had a wonderful Mary Magdalene-type body that seemed well equipped to bear many children which of course you’ve done and….”

“Let’s cut the shit Todd….I want ya to fuck me and I want ya to fuck me RIGHT NOW!!”

“But Governor….I’m a MARRIED MAN!”

“And I’M A MARRIED WOMAN TODD who’s had four glasses of white wine and is a lonely and horny as hell MILF in this fleabag hotel in this shit-hole state who wants TODD AKIN TO FUCK HER!!!!”

“I don’t know Governor. It seems like you’re acting like an unlady-like wildcat.”

“Put the fucking wine glass down Todd and get your pants off goddamn it!”

She needs it….and she needs it bad, Akin-style

“Governor…you just took the lord’s name in vain.”

“Fuck the lord Todd…and get that goddamn zipper down!”

“I’m trying Governor….it won’t seem to budge…do you have any W-D 40?”

“Here….try this baby oil.”

“Yep, that did it…OH GOVERNOR!!!”

“FUCK ME TODD ON THIS KING SIZE SUPER EIGHT BED!”

(((SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!!!!)))

“Todd…are you in me?  You have to wait until you’re erect.”

“I AM erect Governor!!! LET’S DO IT!!”

“What is that Todd…about two inches?”

“That’s about the best I can do Governor.”

“Well, it’s all I got tonight….and it’s twice as big as that other Todd….so I guess it’ll just have to do…FUCK ME!!!”

((ah hummana hummana hummana hummana!!!))

(((UHHHH UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH!!)))

(((FUCK ME TODD….FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!))))

(((((AIEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA!!!)))))

“GOVERNOR, YOU PULLED OFF MY HAIR PIECE!!!”

((BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!))) “HEY….SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!!!”

“Jeez Governor….you need to keep it down a little.  These Super Eight walls are a little thin.”

“Oh Todd….who can resist a manly christian man with two inches of pile-driving pleasure….NOW FUCK ME!!!!”

((((UH HUMMANA HUMMANA HUMMANA!!!)))

((BOOM BOOM!!!)) “SHUT….THE…..FUCK….UP!!!!!!!! OR I’ll CALL THE FRONT DESK!!!”

(((UHHHH UHHHH UHHHH..AAAAGGGGGGUUHHHHHHH!!!!)))

((Whew)) “That was incredible Governor.  God hath showered his goodness on us tonight.”

“That’s right Todd.  You’re a stud for God and I’m a whore for Jesus.  Now I want you to bow with me Todd across this bed and pray with me Todd…just PRAY WITH ME.”

“Dear lord….thank you for allowing Todd and me to experience your divine spirit in the form of non-gay fornication and thank you for your never-ending heavenly forgiveness for your faithful children.”

“And thank you lord for the special powers that you have bestowed upon our bodies to keep us free from cooties and other terrible nasty things. Amen.”

“Amen, Todd.”

“Oh Governor….this has been the most wonderful night of my life.  I LOVE YOU!!”

“Yea yea yea….do me a favor and get me a cigarette and close the door when ya leave.”

“But Governor….will I see you again?”

“Sure Todd….same time same place at the end of October.  But this time, come dressed in a boy scout outfit wearing boots and spurs…otherwise don’t bother knocking at all.”

…to be cont.

 

Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?

Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the  “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.

“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.

“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”

“Of course not,” said Akin.  “I used private donations for all of it.”

“Well I guess uh…hmmm….  So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”

“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”

“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a  seemingly perfect comb-over.

The perfect comb-over

Akin with his family in this Norman Rockwell painting….just before he heads off to his private quarters with a laptop full of kiddie porn

“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”

Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”

“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.

“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should.  And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”

Golden Showers Guru

“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”

“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”

“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers.  Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”

Jesus dug water sports with his disciples….but not this kind

“It’s in there,” Akin insisted.  “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”

“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”

“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin.  “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”

“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.

“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire.  For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”

Family man and good christian in the mind of Todd Aiken. “A christian man should not be judged by his deeds,” said Aiken philosophically.

“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”

“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.

“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”

“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. “

“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri.  Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”

“Thank you and may God bless you.”