Category Archives: Fuck me!!

I’ll be back….

ThinkerToilet

In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are  wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.

In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)

As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….

FUCK IT!!!!  Never mind

Mitch McConnell Vows to Make Obama a Two-Term President

Senate Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky today vowed to make President Obama a two-term President.

“Two terms and that’s it,” McConnell said of Obama

“If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I will see to it with all my power that I make this illegitimate, non-American, half-breed, obscenity of a man a two-term President,”  a resolute McConnell told a group of reporters who were gathered in the Capitol Rotunda.

“Let me repeat, making Obama a two-term President is my single most important political goal.”

When reminded that the President, or any President, is constitutionally limited to two terms anyway, McConnell brushed off the reminder.

“Well, the Constitution is a big document that not all of us have had a chance to read word for word,” he said.

“That’s true Senator McConnell,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of ABC News.  “But besides your top priority, what else, if anything, are your political goals besides striving to stay the single ugliest, most lizard-like, pedophile-looking, sack of ape shit in the U.S. Senate?”

Mitch McConnell, aka “Senator Dick Magnet”

“Nothing…those are my two goals.”

“You are aware, Senator, that your 20-year reign of ugliest, chinless, fish-eyed, reptilian sack of shit may be severely compromised by Senator-elect Ted Cruz of Texas, correct Senator? reminded Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent for NBC News.

“I am aware of that,” acknowledged McConnell. “But no matter how pasty-white, butt-ugly and pedophile-looking Cruz may be, he will never be able to touch me once I deck out in my relatively famous red, white, and blue spandex thong.”

“Yes Senator…he may not be able to touch YOU…but will YOU be touching him much like you have improperly touched many a Republican freshman Senator before him?” asked CNN’S Wolf Blitzer.

“Yes, of course ….it’s part of my personal indoctrination to the U.S. Senate,” said McConnell.

“Does that include fucking Ted Cruz up the ass Senator?” asked Martha Raditz of ABC News.

Ted Cruz will get in line…or get it in the end

“If that’s what it takes to get Cruz in line with my rigid, uncompromising, and obstructionist position in my effort to try and bring the country down because of its election of a black man as President, than of course I’ll do that and much more,” said McConnell.

“A reach-around Senator?” asked Blitzer.

“Whatever it takes.”

“Well Senator, from what I’ve seen thus far of Ted Cruz, I suspect he will be a most willing participant,” said Chuck Todd.

“That’s what I’m hoping for and that’s what I expect,” said McConnell.

And with that, McConnell retreated to his opulent Senate office where he commenced rubbing off to a recent picture of Ted Cruz.

FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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…..as for Mitt Romney, he says he will now leave the country and, along with his 18 sons, 160 grandchildren, and 450 great grandchildren, will form a country of his own and tentatively call it Baincapistan.

Mitt Likes Tits

The ever-vigilant investigative team of SPB has uncovered the following personal ad by Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, on the Christian dating website, Christianmingle.com:

White male,  “Hugh Beaumont” look-a-like, middle-aged but vibrant and youthful with a full head of hair, looking for new soul-mate for prayer, politics, and pleasure with a like-minded,  Christian woman, preferably one of the “Later Day Saints” persuasion  and preferably one with big, big tits and a large ass who also prefers the late 50’s, early 60’s style of living and dress,   If you’re looking for excitement, “Excitement” is my middle name.  Straight sex please….with occasional anal….and please no fems, fatties, queers, smokers, or dopers.  I love reading the bible, stock quotes, discussing capital gains, making fudge, and packing some on occasions.  Are you the one for me?  Call Mitt at 312-More-man   and let’s find out.

Hugh Beaumont

Asked to comment on the ad, Romney campaign spokesperson, Matt Rhoades, would neither confirm or deny it was written by Romney saying only that the Governor gets as lonely as the next guy on the campaign trail.

Romney’s circa ‘mid-50’s undergarments helps control flip-flopping of his mini meat

Ann Romney to Appear in Hustler

“I’m a Mother Interested n Liberty and Freedom !!”

Ann Romney, wife of Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, has volunteered to appear in a photo spread in Hustler magazine’s annual MILF edition.

“As a Mother Interested in Liberty and Freedom I consider it my patriotic duty to appear in such a fine magazine,” said Ms. Romney.

“A wonderfully kind man named Mr. Larry Flynt called me up one day and asked me  if I would appear in the his magazine.  I thought it was such a nice gesture coming from such a nice man.”

“I just told him that I’m honored to appear in his magazine of liberty and freedom and that I’ve always been someone who worked very hard and hustled at whatever I did.  It’s so wonderful that Mr. Flynt features hard working people who hustle in his magazine.”

This MILF is hustlin’ up a batch of cookies for liberty and freedom

Asked to comment, Larry Flynt said he’s been after Ann Romney for some time for his hot as hell, over-60 MILF edition.

“She could clearly suck the chrome off a trailer hitch,” said Flynt.  “And I can’t believe she’s doing this for free.  On the other hand, she and her fucking husband sure don’t need the money.”

Larry Flynt and his posse who will lend their “skills” to Ann Romney on the day of her big photo shoot

“So what sort of spread are you going to have her featured in?” I asked.

“We’ll start her out with a donkey….a real randy donkey named Rudy,” Flynt said…”sort of a funny, ha-ha Democratic symbol vs the horny MILF,” laughed Flynt.

“What’s the donkey going to do to her?”

“You’ll have to wait till December,” said Flynt.

When told that Ann Romney actually believes that MILF stands for Mothers Interested in Liberty and Freedom, Flynt began to choke from laughter.

“What a dumb, fucking whore,” laughed Flynt….”just the way I like my women….and precisely why she’s a Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” he added.  “Dumb, naive, and right-wing women….they turn me on man…what can I say?  I just wish my dick worked cause if it did, I swear to god I’d be swinging it in the direction of Ann Romney.”

Ann Romney will be part of the 28-page “Conservative MILFs Want it Bad” in December’s Christmas edition of Hustler.

“It’s nice to see that there are still young ladies who like to hustle,” said Ann Romney of the model on this “Hustler” cover. Although she did express some disapproval over the skimpiness of her bikini.

Who could resist this MILF

“I’m not exactly sure why Mr. Flynt asked me to bring two large bottles of cooking oil and a bucket of Vaseline on the day of my photo shoot,” said a perplexed Ann Romney. “But whatever he needs me to do in the pursuit of liberty and freedom, I will oblige.”

Sarah Meets the Other Todd

Missouri Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, finally got a chance to meet his hero.  Sarah Palin was recently in the “Show Me” state to campaign for various Republican candidates and, to Akin’s surprise, called up the candidate and arranged a meet up at the Super Eight Motel where Palin was staying.

Super Eight….Missouri’s finest hotel

“So how are ya?!  I’ve been looking forward to meeting ya!”

“Me too Governor…this is a real thrill.”

Akin wears his custom-made finest hairpiece for his meet and greet

“Well, why don’tcha just come on in and make yourself comfortable and let’s talk a little about the campaign!”

“Wow, this is a real honor Governor.  I can’t tell you how much I admire you and all that you’ve done for our country.  I’ve been wanting to pick your brain forever about how to take our country back.”

“There’s lots of time for that Todd…can I call you Todd?”

“Sure Governor!” gushed Akin.

“Todd….let’s lots of time for campaign talk.  Why don’t ya relax and take your shoes off.  I was just about to have my fourth glass of wine….would ya like one Todd?”

“Uh, sure Governor….uh, I don’t really drink…but as long as you’re having…uh, your fourth.  So Governor, how are we gonna take our country back?  And how can I beat Claire McCaskill?”

“Todd….why don’t ya sit next to me on my king size Super Eight bed and we can talk all kinds of campaign stuff.”

Governor Palin prepares for some “campaign talk” with Todd Akin

“Uh, sure Governor….I guess I’m just a little…”

“Todd, you’ve been on the campaign trail awhile now.  Are ya gettin’ any?!”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Are ya gettin’ any…you know what, Todd?”

“Well Governor, I’m really not sure what you mean exactly and…wow this wine sure is good.”

“…cause Todd, a man…especially a hardworking campaigning virile man such as yourself can’t think straight unless he’s gettin’ some while on the campaign trail.”

“Well I never thought about it like that Governor….jeez, this wine has really gone straight to my head….I’m even feeling a little woozy. “

“Well Todd, why don’tcha just take that shirt of yours off and just relax.  My it’s kind of warm in here isn’t it?  Ya mind if I just slip out of this  blouse and skirt so we can talk campaign stuff comfortably?”

“I guess I don’t mind Governor….whatever makes you feel better.”

“And what makes YOU feel better Todd?  I mean, what gets you off?”

“Well Governor….I’m not sure what you mean by “gets me off”….but I enjoy all sorts of things….like singing songs with the family, prayer meetings with my neighbors, signing hymns in church, and other stuff. Is that what you mean?”

“Todd….do you like my ass?”

“Pardon me Governor?”

“Have you got shit in your ears?  I asked you if you like my ass?”

“Well I guess so Governor…I’ve always felt like you had a wonderful Mary Magdalene-type body that seemed well equipped to bear many children which of course you’ve done and….”

“Let’s cut the shit Todd….I want ya to fuck me and I want ya to fuck me RIGHT NOW!!”

“But Governor….I’m a MARRIED MAN!”

“And I’M A MARRIED WOMAN TODD who’s had four glasses of white wine and is a lonely and horny as hell MILF in this fleabag hotel in this shit-hole state who wants TODD AKIN TO FUCK HER!!!!”

“I don’t know Governor. It seems like you’re acting like an unlady-like wildcat.”

“Put the fucking wine glass down Todd and get your pants off goddamn it!”

She needs it….and she needs it bad, Akin-style

“Governor…you just took the lord’s name in vain.”

“Fuck the lord Todd…and get that goddamn zipper down!”

“I’m trying Governor….it won’t seem to budge…do you have any W-D 40?”

“Here….try this baby oil.”

“Yep, that did it…OH GOVERNOR!!!”

“FUCK ME TODD ON THIS KING SIZE SUPER EIGHT BED!”

(((SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!!!!)))

“Todd…are you in me?  You have to wait until you’re erect.”

“I AM erect Governor!!! LET’S DO IT!!”

“What is that Todd…about two inches?”

“That’s about the best I can do Governor.”

“Well, it’s all I got tonight….and it’s twice as big as that other Todd….so I guess it’ll just have to do…FUCK ME!!!”

((ah hummana hummana hummana hummana!!!))

(((UHHHH UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH!!)))

(((FUCK ME TODD….FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!))))

(((((AIEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA!!!)))))

“GOVERNOR, YOU PULLED OFF MY HAIR PIECE!!!”

((BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!))) “HEY….SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!!!”

“Jeez Governor….you need to keep it down a little.  These Super Eight walls are a little thin.”

“Oh Todd….who can resist a manly christian man with two inches of pile-driving pleasure….NOW FUCK ME!!!!”

((((UH HUMMANA HUMMANA HUMMANA!!!)))

((BOOM BOOM!!!)) “SHUT….THE…..FUCK….UP!!!!!!!! OR I’ll CALL THE FRONT DESK!!!”

(((UHHHH UHHHH UHHHH..AAAAGGGGGGUUHHHHHHH!!!!)))

((Whew)) “That was incredible Governor.  God hath showered his goodness on us tonight.”

“That’s right Todd.  You’re a stud for God and I’m a whore for Jesus.  Now I want you to bow with me Todd across this bed and pray with me Todd…just PRAY WITH ME.”

“Dear lord….thank you for allowing Todd and me to experience your divine spirit in the form of non-gay fornication and thank you for your never-ending heavenly forgiveness for your faithful children.”

“And thank you lord for the special powers that you have bestowed upon our bodies to keep us free from cooties and other terrible nasty things. Amen.”

“Amen, Todd.”

“Oh Governor….this has been the most wonderful night of my life.  I LOVE YOU!!”

“Yea yea yea….do me a favor and get me a cigarette and close the door when ya leave.”

“But Governor….will I see you again?”

“Sure Todd….same time same place at the end of October.  But this time, come dressed in a boy scout outfit wearing boots and spurs…otherwise don’t bother knocking at all.”

…to be cont.

 

Todd Akin Loves God, his Family…and Life’s Simple Pleasures

By all calculations….he’s just a good man….and what more does one have to be?

Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for Senate from the  “Show-Me” state of Missouri wants to show YOU what a great guy he is and figures the best way to do that is to talk about his love for God, his family, shopping at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night, the Bible, child porn, and urine geysers.

“I’m a simple guy who loves simple things like going to church on Sunday followed by a big dinner with the family and then some private time with just me, my laptop, and about 50 gig of some of the best Malaysian child porn money can buy,” Akin said.

“When you say money can buy, are you suggesting that campaign funds paid for your child porn?”

“Of course not,” said Akin.  “I used private donations for all of it.”

“Well I guess uh…hmmm….  So has watching kiddie porn helped your campaign?”

“Of course. …it gives me a chance to rehearse my Mr. One-Eyed Trouser Snake hand-puppet act.”

“Pardon me?” I said somewhat taken aback…not just by the lewd “hand-puppet” comment…but also by Akin’s chiseled grinning pussy face to include a  seemingly perfect comb-over.

The perfect comb-over

Akin with his family in this Norman Rockwell painting….just before he heads off to his private quarters with a laptop full of kiddie porn

“Being a candidate for Senate can be very stressful….especially after all the controversy I’ve endured from the witch hunt liberals have launched against me.”

Akin is, of course, referring to his well publicized comments about “legitimate rape.”

“I find one of the best ways for me to unwind and just put it all behind me after a long week is a refreshing golden shower,” he added.

“Really? You find being pissed on REFRESHING?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I’ve been doing it since I was a sophomore at Liberty University when it was introduced to me by the late, great Jerry Falwell himself. Have you ever tried it….cause if you haven’t you should.  And the Bible is okay with it so I’m okay with it.”

Golden Showers Guru

“Huh? Are you saying the Bible talks about golden showers?”

“Sure….it’s in there…Deuteronomy I think….or maybe it’s Leviticus…I’m not sure….but I know it’s in there…and I know a good golden shower helps me to unwind just like it helped Jesus to unwind after a long week with a good old fashioned circle jerk with his disciples followed by a refreshing golden shower usually from Peter.”

“I must have missed that part. It’s been a long time since I picked up a Bible…but I can’t for the life of me remember reading about circle jerks and golden showers.  Are your sure this isn’t a product of your own perverse Republican mind?”

Jesus dug water sports with his disciples….but not this kind

“It’s in there,” Akin insisted.  “And only a non-believing, anti-christian like you would doubt it.”

“So you enjoy reading the Bible?….cause most people I know consider it to be a fucking piece of shit, mind numbingly boring, and generally the worst read in history.”

“I love reading my Bible and I don’t consider it boring,” insisted Akin.  “About 75 percent of my reading time is devoted to it.”

“What about the rest of your reading time?” I asked.

“Oh I enjoy reading many books….especially about people I admire.  For instance, I’m just finishing up a biography on Ed Gein who was probably one of the most misunderstood men of his time.”

Family man and good christian in the mind of Todd Aiken. “A christian man should not be judged by his deeds,” said Aiken philosophically.

“Wasn’t Ed Gein a serial killer, a cannibal, and a necrophiliac?”

“Yes but he was also a good family man and christian and he who has not sinned should cast the first stone,” said Akin taking up for Gein.

“Does your admiration for Ed Gein have anything to do with the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to him?”

“No one has ever told me that before but I appreciate it. “

“Well, I wish you the best of luck in your campaign for U.S. Senate from Missouri.  Given your profile that you’ve described to me today I think your potential to be a great Republican leader is unlimited.”

“Thank you and may God bless you.”

God talks to Dan Cathy

….well, if you want to call a one-sided, profanity-laced evisceration from the big man a “talk”.

God, already known as someone who can swear a blue streak, lit into the Chick-Fil-A magnate like  flies light on shit and SPB picked up yesterday’s entire phone conversation:

“LISTEN YOU FUCKING PECKERWOOD !!…If I EVER hear you say another word about “God’s Judgment”, or “God’s Mercy on our Generation” or anything else like you’re my spokesman, I swear to God I’ll come down to fucking earth and cut your fucking NUTS  OFF!!…You HEAR ME?!?!”

“Yes sir I do but….”

“SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP!!!”

Sorry Dan, no more speaking for God. Otherwise…….

“We’ve got enough of a bad rep up here as it is without a pseudo pasty boy like you going off all sanctimony-like as if you’re speaking for us and you know what the fuck I want!”

“But sir, if you’d just give me a minute I could….”

“I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP while I’m talking.  You piece of shit….you and that fucking brother of yours make 100 million a year selling that crap chicken to a bunch of blank-faced evangelicals and all you kicked in to me last year was a measly 2 million?!?!”

“I can explain sir it was our accountant’s fault and…”

“Fuck you, you Christian pussy.  I’m SO SICK of Christian pussies with whiny, excuse-making voices that sound like Ned Flanders.  I swear to God, not in a million goddamn years did I think when I created all you motherfuckers on earth that all the Christians would turn out to be sniveling, whiny pussies.  Not in a million years… And what was that you said about “shaking a FIST at me?!”  Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, if you so much as raise a finger in my direction I’ll strike your ass down so quick they’ll be pulling pieces of your head our of your ass.”

“But God, I….’

“You WHAT!?!?  What are you gonna do?  YOU’RE  gonna start deciding who can eat your shitty chicken now?!?!  HELLLO…didn’t you get the message that it’s ME that decides shit…NOT YOU!!

“But I didn’t….”

“So, from this point forward….here’s what you’re gonna do:  #1, you’re gonna let any goddamn person on this planet who likes your shitty food come into your restaurants when they want, how they want, dressed the WAY they want, and holding hands with WHO they want.  I don’t give a shit if some guy married to a HORSE comes through your doors….you’ll serve them….you understand?!”

“Yes sir but…”

“#2….you’ll now be kicking two million a month upstairs to me instead of the fucking 2 million a year you’ve been giving.   And #3, I don’t want to ever hear your hypocritical, christiany ass speaking for me, heaven, or anything else religious under the banner of Shit-Fil-A…understand?”

“Yes sir, and I…”

“And if I ever see or hear of you slip….even once, I’ll release the videos I have of you pulling a Jerry Sandusky on that fry cook kid of yours at that restaurant in OshKosh, Wisconsin a couple years back so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

Apparently God has evidence of Dan Cathy sucking on something much bigger than a straw…

“I can explain that sir….you see…”

“You think I wasn’t looking you asshole?  Did you forget I don’t miss anything up  here?  Why I have the goods so much on Mike Huckabee he won’t scratch his fat ass without looking up at the sky.    How many restaurants do you have Cathy?”

“As of today sir, I believe we have about four thousand four hundred stores throughout the U.S.”

“Well, if you fuck up again, it’ll be half that by the end of this week….you understand?”

“Yes sir.”

“By the way Cathy….last week I stopped by one of your stores up above and I thought I’d let you know that your chickenshit sandwich was rubbery, the mayonnaise on it tasted rancid, the fries were greasy, and my diet coke tasted like cat piss.  As far as I’m concerned, Chick-Fil-A can go straight to hell.”

Republicans Introduce Bill to Allow Sexual Harassment Back in the Workplace

Recent polls show more than 90 percent of Republican voters in America support more sexual harassment in the workplace.  Therefore, House Speaker, John Boehner, said today on This Week with Christiane Amanpour,  that he will put forth a bill proposed by Thaddeus McCotter (R – MI) that the American workplace began to work sexual harassment back into its system starting in 2013.

“We want to do this on a gradual basis….not all at once,” said Boehner.  “But based on Republican voter support of Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, we think such a move is necessary and vital for the American workforce now and going forward in the future.”

Rep Boehner gets emotional with Christiane Amanpour on "This Week" as he reflects on the good old days when sexual harassment was an important part of the American workplace. "What we need more than anything right now in America are jobs and sexual harassment," said Boehner.

“But Mr. Speaker, what sort of sexual harassment are we talking about?” asked Amanpour.

“Well, I imagine all kinds to include innuendo, double entendre, ass and titty ogling…maybe some groping, etc,” said Boehner.  “But you’d have to ask Rep McCotter who actually drafted this bill about its specifics.”

“And we just happen to have Rep Thaddeus McCotter, Republican Representative from Michigan, standing by now to comment.”

“Rep McCotter, first of all, why do you believe sexual harassment needs to be thrust back into the workplace?”

“Good morning Christiane.  Good morning Mr. Speaker. I think given our party’s overwhelming support for Herman Cain and his impressive record of alleged sexual harassment in the workplace we really need to be forward-thinking on this issue.  I do want to make clear that we’re really only talking about sexual harassment by men against women and not the other way around despite the fact that I, personally, would be thrilled to have a woman sexually harass me.  But let me make clear that we believe that powerful business executives like Herman Cain should be able to do as they see fit in the workplace and Republican voters overwhelmingly agree with me.”

Sexual Harassment Advocacy Bill author, Rep. McCotter, says his bill will only legalize sexual harassment by men against women...but says he personally wishes a woman would sexually harass him.

“Speaker Boehner?”

“Well,  I can assure you that every Republican in the House supports Rep. McCotter’s bill. I can also assure you that each of us, to include myself, have been dabbling in sexual harassment for many  years, albeit, in a more clandestine manner. So we look forward to turning this bill into law so we can put sexual harassment on the front lines of the workforce where it used to be and where it belongs once again.”

“Mr. Speaker, how do you believe such a bill will help Herman Cain, if at all?”

"That's it baby.....oooh....ahhhh... AHHHHH.....right there baby...just like that.... ahhhh....AHHHHH!!!!! Godamn baby!! Goddamn! Ah say, let Herman be Herman !

“Well, as you’ve already seen, his previous workplace sexual harassment when he was President of the National Restaurant Association and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, had no effect on his poll numbers among Republicans and, in fact, has actually made them go up. Therefore, we think this bill will actually help to not only validate the actions of Mr. Cain, but validate the actions of all of us who have somehow been demonized and even ostracized for previous sexual harassment actions in not only the halls of Congress, but the American workplace in general. “

Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, reacts over the news of imminent passage of the "Freedom in the Workplace Advocacy" bill

McCotter’s bill, known as the “Freedom in the Workplace Advocacy Bill,” will be brought up for a vote this week.  It’s expected to pass the House overwhelmingly and then be brought up for a vote by the Senate where it’s also expected to pass because of 100 percent Republican support along with support by Independent Joe Lieberman of Connecticut and Democrat Ben Nelson of Nebraska.

Michele Bachmann to be Featured in Porn Magazine Layout

You'll soon be able to see her like you've never seen her before

In an effort to capitalize on her sterling performance in the recent Republican debates, which polls had her winning by a 2-1 margin over Mitt Romney, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann will pose for the September edition of Hustler Magazine.

Rep Bachmann will grace the cover of this famous mag come September....along with a special friend

The announcement was made today by the founder of Hustler, smut king Larry Flynt,  who claims to have wanted to see Bachmann naked for years and hopes her September layout will boost sales of the explicit, hardcore mag which have been in decline for years.

Hustler founder, Larry Flynt, hands out free copies of his magazine to adoring fans after leaving the White House where he was recently awarded the Medal of Freedom for lifetime achievement to the arts

There’s something incredibly sexy about seeing a fascist naked and doing lewd things,” Flynt said of Bachmann.  “It’d be like seeing Eva Braun getting fucked by a donkey.  One of my greatest regrets is the world not having had an opportunity to see that.”

Getting down with a donkey a big step up for Ms. Braun

“We think Hustler is the best way for Michele to get her views and much more out to the people,” said I. Ben Yackinoff, Bachmann’s publicist.

Bachmann and her publicist, I. Ben Yackinoff, yuk it up after announcing that she will be featured in the September edition of Hustler magazine

“We first approached ‘Barely Legal’ about getting Michele a spread in that magazine given that its readership is primarily 50 to 85-year-old men which is one of our toughest demographics.  But one of the magazine’s editors reminded us that Michele is hardly barely legal,” Yackinoff added.

“We also reached out to MILF Magazine which stands  for ‘Mothers I’d Like to Fuck,'” added Yackinoff.  “But we took a straw poll in Minnesota and it turns out that Michele ranked near the bottom of mothers men would like to fuck.  We were about to give up but then Hustler called us…just completely out of the blue.”

It so happens that Flynt, who has a well-earned reputation of being into perverse sex, actually finds Michele erotic.   Flynt told Southpaw that half of Hustler’s subscribers have extremely perverse tastes and, in a recent Hustler survey, indicated that they would likely find a layout of Michele in various sex acts with an Orangutan  extremely sexy.

….but not just ANY Orangutan….

"Rufus" will soon get the the job done w/ Michele Bachmann. And it sure beats whackin' off which is what he spends 90 % of his existence doing

On average, Orangutans have about a 3-inch schlong.  But then there’s Rufus, the Orangutan.  This freak of nature supposedly has like an eight-incher and is one horny primate.

Bachmann demonstrates her tolerance level. Boy will SHE be in for a surprise

“We expect the two of them to go to town,” Flynt said. “Can you imagine the possibilities?  A big-dick Orangutan mixing it up with a dried up, gaped-tooth skank like Bachmann.  She couldn’t BUY better publicity for her Presidential campaign.”

“And that’s precisely what we want in order to keep this publicity train rolling in our effort to thrust Representative Bachmann into the White House,” said Yackinoff.

As for Michele Bachmann, she welcomes the opportunity to get her message out to the American people….even if it comes with the hitch of having to get buck naked and get down on all fours with an Orangutan giving her “what’s fer.”

“It’s a privilege meeting the American people in whatever format that might be,” said Bachmann.  “I look forward to meeting Rufus,” she added seemingly not completely aware of what she’s in for come Hustler performance time.

As for Rufus, the big-dick Orangutan, he had no comment  other than to pick at a flea with his left paw while whacking off with the right.

Rufus as a carefree, young stud