The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed. You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots. Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day. We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me. In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along. We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.
You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years. I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.
Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman. Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task ! You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.
Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you. That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric. But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now. I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along. And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day. What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American. You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.
I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here. You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here. I hope you’re alright with that. I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it. And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like. I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell. And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics. We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler. So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light. You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.
Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate. We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.
You’re a great American.
Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee
P.S. Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do. How does this sound? ”Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!