“Okay children that’s it for tonight. Time for bed.”
“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”
“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”
“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great. And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Grandpa, I’m scared.”
“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one. You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with. And what do you think this is in my lap? Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times. Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to you. Did you forget how to use em?!”
“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.
“Hahahahahahaha. Well then, let me continue with my story. Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”
“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”
“Hahahahahaha! Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret. I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment. They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”
Lucifer
“Grandpa, what’s water?”
“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago. But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. “
“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”
(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”
“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”
“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”
“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”
“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”
“Where is that Grandpa?”
“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here. We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know. And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”
“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight. Time for bed.”
“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”
“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”
“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”
“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:
(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))
Father of our country
Not a black face among them. Thank God !
“Now off to bed!. Good night children. Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”
In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.
In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)
As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….
Alabama: Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”
“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.
“After the bill passes on Monday, any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.
Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere. Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.
“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun. ”In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”
(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)
(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).
South Carolina:Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)
“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”
“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley. ”It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.
The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk
Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics. But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:
The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.
“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.
“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut.
“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”
“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.
Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.
“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss. ”They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks. As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk. I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”
Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking
Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.
“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.
Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:
Police released the letter today that Matthew Warren son of mega-Evangelist, Rick Warren, left behind. Warren died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound last week:
Dear Everyone,
I’m sorry I’m doing this but YOU try being the son of a pasty-white, fat-ass pussy who is as phony as a three-dollar bill. I’d just had enough of it….that’s all. Yes, I was depressed as hell. But here’s a news flash: I was depressed because I was the son of this asshole. ”A Purpose Driven Life.” HA!!! More like “A Money Driven Life.” To all of you fucked-up suckers out there who think my fat asshole of a father is in this for God, LOL !! I got some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell you. This guy is in it for one thing and one thing only…MONEY !!!!!! Did you know that this guy doesn’t even BELIEVE in God?!?! He’d come home every Sunday after one of his fucked-up sermons and talk and laugh for hours about how taking money from his “flock” was like shooting fish in a barrel. Believe me everyone….this fat bastard is giving all of you “A Purpose Driven Ass-Fucking.” So don’t feel bad for me because I never have to see this fuck and his dumb goatee again or listen to another word of his horseshit. As for those of you who are his followers…you should feel sorry for yourselves because you are still going to be around for this dick to ram you up the ass and take your money. So goodbye and good luck. You’ll need it. Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.
…so where the fuck is he then? That’s what everyone would like to know.
Here we are on the cusp of yet another Easter when this motherfucker is supposed to show. And for about the 10 thousandth year in a row, it looks like he’s gonna be a no show…AGAIN!!
FUCK!!!!!!
The world, especially the U.S., is going to hell in a handbasket with queers marrying queers, an illegal alien President trying to take all of our guns away, Mexicans taking over everything as far as the eye can see, and the “Christ” being taken right the fuck out of Christmas. And nobody’s doing a goddamn thing about it.
Year after year, all the prayer in the world….
“When you need him most he just won’t show the fuck up and we’ve been waiting around for this guy to show forever” said Willie-Buster Cherry of Crotchrot, Mississippi.
….don’t seem to do…..
“Crawdads are scarce….ain’t been a goddamn good catfish crop in more than two years in the lake over yonder, prices are going up at Wal-Mart everyday….and niggers and Mexican’s are taking over EVERYTHING! Queers are getting married!! Where’s God when you need him…that’s what I’d like to know,” added a thoughtful Cherry.
…any good
People all over the place, particularly in the deep southern part of the U.S., have had it up to here waiting for God to make a return appearance to earth and a lot of people are beginning to ask their elected representatives to do something about it.
“I’m sick of waiting,” said Claude Balls also of Crotchrot. ”All my life, my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, they’ve been telling us that God is coming back and we wait and wait and wait and nothing….and we’re all getting fucking sick of it. We’re even starting to think he’s not coming at all.”
Frustrated by yet another God no-show, Willie Buster Cherry and Claude Balls of Mississippi do what they do best…..relax
“We’re pretty patient people down here in Mississippi but what the fuck does it take?” said Cherry. “I’m nearly 70 and I’m sick and disabled and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even gonna be around when God shows up. Every single Sunday Preacher keeps telling us that God is coming…God is coming. We put all this money in the collection plate thinking he’s coming….and then he just don’t come.”
“So you DO think he’s gonna show up…..but you just think it’s a question of when?”
“Exactly. Of course we all know God’s coming sooner or later….but we would just like to know when! If someone says they’re gonna do something, down here in Mississippi we take a man at his word.”
“Why…..sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not he….”
“…exists at all?” I said finishing the inbred cracker’s sentence for him.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?! Of COURSE NOT!! I was gonna say……whether or not God is not coming because he’s pissed at us for being the sinners we are.”
“So you think God is just pissed and disgusted by queers getting married and Mexican’s taking over everything?’
“We figure that’s gotta be the reason…..least wise, that’s what Preacher says on Sunday. And he says it’s important for all of us to give as much as we can to the collection plate each Sunday so we can help God to change things once he does come. But I’m beginning to wonder where all that money me and everyone else is giving the preacher each Sunday is going cause every year God don’t show up for this resurrection thing on Easter.”
We here at Southpaw Beagle wish, too, that God would show up already and fix things and end this silly notion that some people are spreading that all religion is a farce, preachers, priests, rabbis, and all the rest of the people who preach the word of God are carpetbaggers, pedophiles, perverts, degenerates, and liars, who exist because stupid fucking Americans continue to believe in a myth in the sky, and the U.S. is really just a den of debauchery and deceit with no redeeming qualities. Because of course we know that can’t be true.
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we callThe Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”
“HEY MOM!!”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: ”But my dad says…..never mind….”
Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
The crowd of Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” ”I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: ”That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!’”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
A growing mob prepares to question potential queers
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. ”JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: ”BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: ”What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. ”YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: ”I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: ”Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
((BLAM!!))
Scalia: ”He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: ”Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
(((BLAM BLAM!!!))
Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: ”Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: ”I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: ”You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: ”You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Maple St. is coming apart at the seams
Michele Bachmann: ”It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7
Todd Palin: ”Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: ”Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
((BLAM BLAM!!!))))
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: ”What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: ”It said: ”Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: ”And that was it??”
Zodox: ”That was it”
Xoxdox: ”You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: ”And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: ”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Xoxdox: ”I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: ”We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”
Pope Francis said today that he was really pissed when someone recently told him that more than 30 thousand people were tortured, “disappeared,” and murdered during Argentina’s infamous “Dirty War” between 1976 and 1983. According to the Pope, if he had just KNOWN about what was going he would probably have done something to try and stop it.
The new Pope, who was then known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio and rose to become Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a priest during this period of state-sponsored terrorism.
Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now The Pope, says he never knew he was “palling around with terrorists.”
“Hey, I was a pretty busy guy back then just trying to live my life,” said the Pope in an interview with us.
Living my life with junta leader Jorge Videla
“I did see a lot more activity back then from some group that called itself, I believe, ‘The Junta’….but I didn’t think much of it. Actually, it made me feel pretty safe in the streets to see them around. Almost daily I’d see the military grabbing some guy at a bus stop, or in the library, at soccer games….even at church and then dragging them away. I never thought anything of it. I figured whoever it was they were grabbing must have done something wrong or were just held overnight to sleep off a good drunk. I was just thankful they were keeping us safe, that’s all.”
“Didn’t they even haul away people you had known for years?” I asked.
“Yea a few people,” said the Pope. ”They took away one of my deacons once…a guy named Jesus I knew for 20 years. And they grabbed my neighbor Rodolfo who I used to play pinochle with every Friday night for 15 years.”
“Did you ever see them again?”
“Now that you mention it, no I didn’t. I always kind of wondered what might have happened to those guys. I’ll have to look them up….maybe drop em a Christmas card.”
The Pope said The Junta even asked him to help them out from time to time in their nation-wide campaign to teach non-swimmers how to swim.
The Pope says he thought these guys were his friends. He says now he would like to tell them a thing or two like “you fellows should be ashamed of yourselves….but let us pray.”
“The Junta were really good guys who wanted to give swimming lessons to some of our fellow countrymen who didn’t know how to swim,” said the Pope. “So they would take these guys in plane rides over the our beautiful Rio De La Plata or even the Atlantic Ocean and they asked me to come along every now and then to help make these guys feel less nervous about being pushed out of the plane at 4000 feet. I even helped push some of the more nervous guys and it really made me feel good to be doing my part for them.”
“Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up,” said the Pope….”but WTF, who was I to question The Junta.”
“Did that ever strike you as a rather unorthodox way to teach people to swim?”
“Well, it did strike me as little high up….I mean, the highest I had ever seen was like the eight foot diving board at my apartment complex. But who am I to question such a group of great guys who are trying to help out their fellow man?”
“How many people did you help ‘teach’ to swim?”
“I went on maybe 10 trips and we must have pushed about 18 guys out a plane load. So I would say I helped at least a couple hundred guys learn to swim who otherwise wouldn’t know how today. I felt good about that and I felt like I was doing God’s work.”
“Have you spoken to any of those guys since….or even seen them?”
“Come to think of it no….but I just figured they had all moved on with their lives and were now out there teaching others. Needless to say if I had known these guys were plunging 4000 feet to their deaths, I probably would have tried to at least talk to the pilot of the plane about it or something. I mean, like, WTF?! So I’m kind of pissed about the whole thing and now I just feel used quite frankly. Those guys in The Junta always seemed pretty squared away and straight shooters to me. If I had known maybe I would have told them to knock it off or something.”
“We were able to find one guy who somehow survived his ‘swimming lesson’– Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez–a left-wing poet and now a quadriplegic who says he doesn’t remember much about his ‘incident’ in Dec of 1978….but he says he does remember the Pope.”
Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez says he happy the Pope is from Argentina….but thinks he’s a stupid dick for falling for The Junta’s bullshit.
“Yea sure…I remember him. I mean I was half drugged out of my mind but I’ll never forget the Pope, who of course wasn’t a Pope then and a much younger guy, giving me a bunch of Hail Marys before pushing me out the back of that fucking plane into ice cold water. Luckily a fishing boat happened to come along and fish me out of there…but I was pretty fucked up by then and I can tell you that I sure as shit didn’t learn how to swim.”
“So, in effect, Pope, you didn’t do shit to stop the ‘Dirty War’ and, if anything, were complicit….is that correct?”
“As my spokesman has repeatedly noted, no credible proof has ever been adduced against me.”
“I mean, didn’t the name ‘Dirty War’ even strike you as a little odd?”
“Not really…..I mean during wars soldiers get dirty and muddy and stuff. I figured that’s how they got the name. And as far as me not ‘doing shit,’ I was busy as hell giving mass, hearing confessions of 80-year-old women, washing the feet of poor and sick people, organizing bake sales, car washes, and other fund raisers, committing sex offenses with alter boys, and a whole lot more. Why I bet during this war I never got more than eight hours sleep a night with all of the noise and shit that was going on outside.”
“You seem like a coward, Pope Francis…..but if that’s unfair or overly harsh I apologize.”
“That’s okay son…now, let’s do what I do best and let’s pray together because that is my answer to everything.”
The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.
‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.
Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old Donald O’Conner movies of the 50′s.
“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.
Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.
“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. ”The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”
“That sounds impossible. How do you expect to do that?” I asked.
“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained. ”Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year. Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse. Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year. Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”
Sex abuse ration card sample
Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.
After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby ”Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill” for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.
“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov. ”Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off. I mean, the guy’s had a long day. But tomorrow he’ll be ready to do the business of the one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”
