It’s not often that the greatest prognosticator of the last 100 years fucks up. But televangelist, Pat Robertson, sure did it this time with Hurricane Sandy as his latest prayer storm backfired big time.
“It’s God’s fault…that fucker,” said Robertson refusing to take any responsibility for the fact that the latest hurricane that he conjured up against the northeast seems to have done President Obama more good than his Republican opponent, Mitt Romney….which is exactly the opposite of what Robertson intended.
“You called God a fucker?” I asked Robertson with surprise.
“Sure. He really let me down this time. He’s come through in the past for sure with Hurricane Katrina which we prayed-up to get rid of blacks, queers, and debauchery in New Orleans and more recently when he helped move Hurricane Issac away from the Republican convention in August. But when we really needed him he just plain fucked up.”
Polls show that instead of Hurricane Sandy giving Romney momentum in battleground states such as Ohio and Colorado, it has allowed President Obama to look Presidential and commanding while relegating Romney to a subservient role of pussydom.
“David Axelrod must have gotten to God is all I can say,” said a bitter Robertson. “Either that, or God has turned queer.”
“You know that’s pretty blasphemous don’t you?” I reminded Robertson. ”Don’t you worry about about getting into the Kingdom of Heaven yourself when your time comes?”
“No, I don’t. I have a non-refundable ticket to get in anytime I want. Even God can’t cancel my ticket. Besides, for many of us this latest move of his is the last straw. It seems clear that God has turned into a Kenyan-loving Socialist and many of us have had enough of it.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“Well Falwell, Fred Phelps and I used to talk about the possibility of a bunch of us starting up our own heaven where only like-minded evangelicals can go. I think with this most recent betrayal from God, we’re just going to go ahead and do it.”
“How much is that going to cost?” I asked.
“A lot…which is why I would like to ask all of my millions of followers out there to reach deep down and give as much as you can to our cause. We hope to raise the necessary 100 billion dollars it’s estimated to take to start up the Pat Robertson-Phelps-Falwell Heaven and we hope to have it up and running by 2016.”
“What if you die before then?”
“Well then I’ll just go to God’s heaven in protest and continue to facilitate my fund-raising for this project until it’s complete. And then I’ll just move.”
“So, again I ask all of my followers to donate at least $100 by going to http://www.PatRobertsonKingdom.com The more you give, the closer you’ll get to having a seat next to the God in our Heaven.”
“And who might that be?”
“Who do you think?”