It’s not often that the greatest prognosticator of the last 100 years fucks up. But televangelist, Pat Robertson, sure did it this time with Hurricane Sandy as his latest prayer storm backfired big time.
A great big Fuck You from Pat Robertson to God.
“It’s God’s fault…that fucker,” said Robertson refusing to take any responsibility for the fact that the latest hurricane that he conjured up against the northeast seems to have done President Obama more good than his Republican opponent, Mitt Romney….which is exactly the opposite of what Robertson intended.
“You called God a fucker?” I asked Robertson with surprise.
“Sure. He really let me down this time. He’s come through in the past for sure with Hurricane Katrina which we prayed-up to get rid of blacks, queers, and debauchery in New Orleans and more recently when he helped move Hurricane Issac away from the Republican convention in August. But when we really needed him he just plain fucked up.”
Robertson is livid that God let him down
Polls show that instead of Hurricane Sandy giving Romney momentum in battleground states such as Ohio and Colorado, it has allowed President Obama to look Presidential and commanding while relegating Romney to a subservient role of pussydom.
“David Axelrod must have gotten to God is all I can say,” said a bitter Robertson. “Either that, or God has turned queer.”
David Axelrod denies influencing God to David Gregory on Meet the Press
“You know that’s pretty blasphemous don’t you?” I reminded Robertson. ”Don’t you worry about about getting into the Kingdom of Heaven yourself when your time comes?”
“No, I don’t. I have a non-refundable ticket to get in anytime I want. Even God can’t cancel my ticket. Besides, for many of us this latest move of his is the last straw. It seems clear that God has turned into a Kenyan-loving Socialist and many of us have had enough of it.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“Well Falwell, Fred Phelps and I used to talk about the possibility of a bunch of us starting up our own heaven where only like-minded evangelicals can go. I think with this most recent betrayal from God, we’re just going to go ahead and do it.”
“How much is that going to cost?” I asked.
“A lot…which is why I would like to ask all of my millions of followers out there to reach deep down and give as much as you can to our cause. We hope to raise the necessary 100 billion dollars it’s estimated to take to start up the Pat Robertson-Phelps-Falwell Heaven and we hope to have it up and running by 2016.”
“What if you die before then?”
“Well then I’ll just go to God’s heaven in protest and continue to facilitate my fund-raising for this project until it’s complete. And then I’ll just move.”
“So, again I ask all of my followers to donate at least $100 by going to http://www.PatRobertsonKingdom.com The more you give, the closer you’ll get to having a seat next to the God in our Heaven.”
“And who might that be?”
“Who do you think?”
I know I have said this many times before but this is one of the best things you have written on SPB.
Pat Robertson made me do it
that ass holes god is money just like all of the pukes and tbaggers he would be at the top of the ( most unwanted ) never could stomach phoney predateor fucken preachers that are rich and parade around and spread bull shit and lies then inturn for that they get tax exemptiions no good bastards thanks for shinning light on a evil prick who do you think would win if dollar was in the hand of a 90 year old woman the phoney preacher or the phoney human mit that fucker only thinks of is money how can this election be so god dam close im not thriled having to vote for a fucken blue dog but i see no othe choice ok thats enough of my rant thanks for getting me all fired up spb
I;m always happy to get you fired up junebug because, in turn, you get ME fired up:)
Robertson doesn’t understand that the white robe and butterfly nets aren’t really the uniform of heaven.
“…relegating Romney to a subservient role of pussydom.”
Nice!
I figured you, and possibly you alone, would appreciate that fully. We’re cut from the same cloth man. Too bad we never crossed paths while I was still in Germany. We could have quaffed a few Heidelbergers together (brewed, evidently, only in the Heidelberg area and the best beer I ever had among many).
Indeed a shame. There are a few Gasthäuser around here that serve Jever Pils, one of my favorites. Good thing, cause it’s a long fuckin drive to the north coast!
Two more days, my friend…