The gauntlet has been thrown. Prankster Mitt Romney has bet Paul Ryan that nobody can best his record in setting up the most f*cked-up photo op in the history of modern US campaigning. Fun-loving Ryan has responded that he will not be outdone in the category of f*cked-up Republican antics.
“The day with the miners was the Sistine Chapel of f*cking with people,” said Mitt Romney’s high jinks coordinator, Enis Pay. “Can you imagine forcing a bunch of grimy-faced shovelers to take a day off without pay to stand with a guy who wants to destroy the UMWA? That was classic!”
Ryan, eager to show his stuff, was off to a slow and disappointing start this weekend when he barged into an Ohio soup kitchen and messed up a pile of clean dishes by pretending to wash them. “I mean, where was the irony?” asked Enis. “I get it that Ryan hates the bottom feeders–so showing up in a soup kitchen was ballsy but, still, that whole dishes prank was so trivial…so one-dimensional. Compare it with the sublime man-rape that went down at the Ohio mine. I mean…making those guys take a day off to pump up the candidate who wants to shove miners’ union wages up their asses. Man, that was inspired!”
Ryan is reportedly studying the Republican Southern strategy as a model for future photo opportunities. “Romney should be worried right now–very, very worried,” said Ryan’s dirty tricks guru (and Enis’ brother), Rick Pay. “I mean what is more f*cked up than saying nigger nigger nigger* in a manner that is as obvious as barnyard stink, but abstract and coded, so if a black person complains he’s the one who looks like the dick?”
“I don’t know,” I interject. “F*cking up black people is really f*cked up but it’s been done…ad nauseum in fact. To beat Romney’s coal miner stunt, Congressman Ryan is going to have to dig to new depths.”
“Hmmm. What if the Congressman shows his passion for public education by dropping his drawers at a school assembly?”
“It’s already been done, Rick.”
“Damn! Enis is always one step ahead of me!”
“Maybe you guys should drop the competition with Governor Romney and do something collaborative to f*ck up the American people.”
“In that case, we had better get our asses back to Ohio. There could still be some f*cked-up voters there who are still undecided. If we can convince them that the Nigg…er I mean the Joker…has gone wobbly on the Penguin we might get the votes we need to vaporize their Obamacare, Medicare, and Social Security!”
“That is really f*cked up, Rick. Thanks for dropping by and talking to us.”
“It’s a pleasure, gordita…as always.”
*Editor’s note: In a 1981 interview conducted by Alexander P. Lamis, Lee Atwater explained Ronald Reagan’s version of the Southern strategy as follows:
Atwater: As to the whole Southern strategy that Harry S. Dent, Sr. and others put together in 1968, opposition to the Voting Rights Act would have been a central part of keeping the South. Now [the new Southern Strategy of Ronald Reagan] doesn’t have to do that. All you have to do to keep the South is for Reagan to run in place on the issues he’s campaigned on since 1964 and that’s fiscal conservatism, balancing the budget, cut taxes, you know, the whole cluster.
Lamis: But the fact is, isn’t it, that Reagan does get to the Wallace voter and to the racist side of the Wallace voter by doing away with legal services, by cutting down on food stamps?
Atwater: You start out in 1954 by saying, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.” By 1968 you can’t say “nigger” — that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states’ rights and all that stuff. You’re getting so abstract now [that] you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. I’m not saying that. But I’m saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me — because obviously sitting around saying, “We want to cut this,” is much more abstract than even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than “Nigger, nigger.”
Bob Herbert reported on this interview in the October 6, 2005 edition of the New York Times. (Click on the link to read the full article.)