by gordita
Todd Akin has a mission: to put an end to the most evil industry in the history of planet Earth–an industry in which practitioners are so immoral they perform abortions on women who are not pregnant.
Women DO regret abortion…especially when they weren’t even pregnant
“Females who are not pregnant are getting abortions????????”
“That’s right, gordita. And that’s not all.”
“Oh?”
“Abortion doctors are also giving hysterectomies to women who do not have a uterus.”
“Uh huh. And I suppose they also give nose jobs to women with no noses and face lifts to women with no faces?”
“Yes,” says Akin, “that too.”
“Mr. Akin, I think your examples of abortion-doctor fraud are fictitious. I think you have fabricated this just like you concocted the nonsense about rape victims being able to block pregnancy.”
“Mea culpa on the legitimate rape comment, gordita. I learned my lesson though…yes siree bob’s your uncle, I sure did.”
I am sorry! I take it back!
“So you have changed your mind about forcing women to bear their rapist’s child?”
“No ma’am. Even rapists’ babies deserve to be born.” (((Akin adjusts his expression and assumes a look of concern))) “Honestly, I wish I could do something to help pregnant rape victims bear their terrible, tragic burden but abortion is simply not an option.”
“What about rape victims’ freedom? Don’t you care about that?”
“Regretably, gordita, when we are talking about a baby’s life, freedom is secondary.”
“Hmm. If freedom is secondary, Mr. Akin, I have a proposal for you ….”
“What’s that, gordita?”
“I’ll let world famous urologist, Dr. Willie Johnson, explain it.”
Dr. Johnson yucking it up at annual meeting of the American Urology Association
“Yes, thank you gordita. Science now has a solution to the problem of women being forced into pregnancy against their will. See, what you do is hook the epididymus up to the tunica vaginalis, and graft the gubernaculum onto the vas deferens and shove a stent into the cremaster muscle and voila! you have an ideal environment for bringing a transplanted embryo to gestational maturity.”
“In English, Dr. Johnson?”
“It’s Operation Rescue…literally. A new surgical procedure allows us to transplant fetuses into men’s nut sacks and keep them there until they have reached full term.”
Fetus growing inside a nut sack
Akin turns a lighter shade of pale. (((GASP))) “Will a man’s nuts stretch that far?”
“Absolutely. A man’s gonads can reach half way to the floor. Just google testicles and elephantiasis if you don’t believe me. Mind you, men will need a mumu and a wheelbarrow as the baby grows but there is no doubt that with the Operation Rescue procedure they can do as good a job as women bringing an embryo to term.”
(((Akin’s face scrunches into a frown))) “I don’t know if men are going to go for this, gordita.”
“Which is why, if you are elected to be Missouri’s senator, the country will need your help with a bold new piece of federal legislation.”
“Oh?” says Akin quizzically.
“Yes. We need to institute a draft…for a wheelbarrow brigade.”
“A wheelbarrow brigade?”
Conscript being examined for the brigade
“Yes. To include every able-bodied man like yourself who thinks that it’s okay to force a person to bear a child against their will. We put these men’s names into a lottery and when the next rape victim or incest victim or woman with health problems comes into the abortion clinic we spin the wheel and see who’s scrotum needs to report for duty.”
Sorry, Cardinal, but only conscientious objectors who believe in a person’s right to choose will be exempt
“But, gordita, that would violate men’s freedom and besides your solution does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to solve the major underlying problem with abortion.”
“What do you mean?”
“How are we going to stop doctors from performing abortions on non-pregnant women if we cover it up by transferring the fetuses into men?”
“You know what, Mr. Akin? You’re nuts. CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS NUTS. Your party is nuts. Missouri is nuts. What you represent–which is a right-wing, woman-hating, Christo-psycho Pappy State–is nuts.”
“Oh yeah? Well, you’re just sore because you don’t have what it takes to succeed in this world.”
…because they entitle me to higher pay for equal work
“And what is that Mr. Akin? What exactly am I lacking in your insane whacked-out view of the world?”
“What do you think, gordita?”
Ah, Gordita, you are wise beyond your years.
The mens like Ache-in deserve to have their sperm not only counted, but logged into a data base, and let us track their offspring the way they track our fertilized ovum and scrutinize our uterus to the point of legislating it. .
Let us insist all men be held accountable for their fertilizations, whether purposeful or not. Let us jam the courts with appropriate child support, from the errant ejaculator, the liar who in a moment of passion insists “don’t worry, I can’t get you pregnant”. And let us include the rapist whose desire is never fulfilled,by impregnating his victim…terror is his game, regardless of the woman who is terrorized yet again by the responsibility of 21 years of debt to raise the fetus to an adult that the GOP insist we women should do via insane legislation.
Women are the victims of the Ache-in type mentality everyday. And this will continue until we’ve had enough and are ready to take the counter measures against the men who have inflicted us with this crap, against us and our reproductive rights. Arrogant bastards who insist they have a right to write our destiny.
Oh, fuck them. And if we do, we should count every freaking sperm-swimmer and file an RJI for a court conference to get the financial support every woman deserves from such frivolous engagements, regardless of anyone’s pleasure or pain.
Good thread, G.
In general I love men but this would be a much better world if men had less power and women had more.
Great comment – and Gordita – another great post.
I’m so fucking sick of these men, sitting in their safe little chairs in the halls of Congress and the state legislatures and making such critical decisions about women – our mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends. People like Akin are arrogant beyond belief.
It’s astonishing that we even have to defend birth control, for gawd’s sake – let alone a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion. I feel as if all of the battles we fought and won in the 1960s and 70s are slipping away.
It’s up the us women to destroy the presidential ambitions of every man who does not understand that 1) we women expect reproductive health care as a human right and 2) the only people we want between our legs are our doctors and our lovers.
especially the lover(s)
You got that right
Ache-ins “unladylike” comment about McCaskill’s passionate defense of women’s rights reminded me of a time in my youth when that label was placed on me when I tired of my older brother’s abuse and retaliated as forceful as an 8 year old could. I’m not sure who was more surprised:, my mother, or brother who was left with a perfect outline of my teeth 2 inches below his wrist which took weeks to fade away. But he left me alone thereafter. So that label became a badge of sorts for me. If being a “lady” meant taking shit that wasn’t deserved, then I wasn’t going to be a lady.
I liked this woman’s thoughts about Ache-in from the guardian:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/sep/28/todd-akin-ladylike-comment-gop
Religion has made a deal with men. If men endure its shackles (shackles that are actually pretty beneficial to women who have not been physically and economically liberated by technology), they can be in charge. Republican men are chaffing because they have endured the hard press of the church pew their whole lives and now they don’t get to be in charge. It must be very frustrating to them to see other people having so much freedom.
Great clip by the way and that story about your childhood does not surprise me in the least.
Seek was the only child out of 5 that said no to the LDS when he was a teenager. He was ostracized and still draws the wrath of one particular aunt who is a player in that church. His dad was a mormon in name only, and never gave him a hard time about walking away from a very invasive “culture”. And it’s no coincidence that he is the only dem in his family not shackled, who enjoys premarital sex, caffeine, and beer, and god still loves him.
Good for Seek!
Don’t worry buddy. As long as there is one man still left in the legislature, the wheelbarrow brigade will just be a “ha” in my own silly mind.
I wasn’t referring to men like you, Lefty or Seek. I was referring to the small minded rightists who have never seen a woman they didn’t want to control. And when they go after our preventive healthcare for the many screenings and birth control we have a right to have, it makes me very angry. Ache-in is a very dangerous man who should be selling cars, not pretending to equally represent the rights of the men and women of his district. Apologies if my wording seemed to generalize all males, that was not my intent.
I resemble that remark
Oh good grief! HITO apologizes to you too. You know she did not mean you.
Do you even know what “resemble that remark” means??
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110403000528AAnwmau
And if you chase HITO away after I have missed her so much, there will be a price to pay!!
nah-uh. I know your woman. I know how strong she is and that she would never select a male who didn’t respect her, honor her and delight in seeing her happiness as only you can offer. You sir, are a true dem man, who sees the differences between men and women limited to those things that relate to their associated appendages and what they offer. Leftists make excellent partners due to their perceptions of “equal” under their own personal law of accountability, of give and take.
And speaking of Seek, I remember when he told me 3 years ago that X was a republican disguised as a dem based on the way he treated me. He was absolutely correct and X even has the combover now to prove it.
I know, I’m just pulling your leg.
Anybody who smiles and accepts that shit deserves what they get. The rest of us could build a real nice society…