SPB on Location at a Local Republican Campaign Headquarters

“Welcome to Freedom Center ! Can I help you?” said a welcoming large woman wearing a red, white, and blue set of stretch pants.

The color of Freedom

“Well, I was just wondering where I go to sign up for freedom,” I said.

“Well you’re certainly in the right place.  If you just want to put your name down on one of our freedom sheets we’ll get you fixed up with some freedom in no time flat.  How much freedom were you interested in…the tall, medium, or large portion of freedom?”

“Can I get that freedom supersized?!?”

“ABSOLUTELY!!”

(((hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!))))

“Why we absolutely can do that.  We get orders everyday to supersize freedom and we just love supersizing freedom because the more freedom you get, the better you’ll be, right?”

“RIGHT!”

Freedom fighters celebrate diversity and, of course, freedom over pizza, chips, and other shitty food.

“So, would you like to volunteer for freedom now?”

“No time like the present…cause freedom isn’t free.”

“Well said.  So, let me show you where we keep our freedom phones for freedom phone banking.  Let me introduce you to Biff, Barbie, Buffy, Bobby, Billie, and Chip….we call them our Take Our Country Back evening crew.”

“Hi welcome to Freedom Headquarters!!’ said the six lily white Republican freedom fighters gleefully. “What’s your name?!?”

“I’m Skippy,” I lied.

“Well, you’ll fit right in!!”

“So how long have you guys been Romney supporters?”

(((Ahem))  “We’re FREEDOM supporters,” they said correcting me.

“We’re not REALLY Romney supporters,” said Barbie, “as much as we’re just against a colored man being President who has taken our country from us.”

“Hi I’m Bobby….please vote white, just because it’s right.”

“And we just want it back before he ruins it like colored people ruin everything,” said Biff.

“But we’re not racist or anything,” chimed in Buffy….”we just don’t like colored people being in charge of our freedom.”

“Well said Buffy,” said Bobby.

“Well I can understand that,” I said concurring with their well-thought-out analysis.

Republican freedom fighters hold this child, who accidentally wandered into their headquarters from her ghetto of welfare and squalor, until a swat team arrives.
“It’s been a terrifying ordeal,” said one fat white woman who refused to be identified. “I JUST WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!!!!!” screamed another.

“So let’s get you started on freedom! Here’s your freedom phone and here’s one of your freedom phone scripts if you’d like to go over it a few times to see how you do.”

“Okay…..let me just read over this a couple of times”:

Hi, I’m calling to ask you to support Mitt Romney for President.  We must take our country back now and we can’t afford four more years  of a Muslim radical running our country into the ground and giving away all of our hard-earned dollars to the 47 percent of the shiftless and lazy colored people who don’t want to work and live on welfare and stuff.   We’re not racist or anything….we just don’t like colored people very much which is why we’re asking for your support on November 6th.  Please vote for Romney.  If you have any questions or you would like to volunteer or if you need a yard sign, call us at 645-Fre-dumb.

“That’s a great sounding script.”

“Glad you like it.  We wrote it.  Just get started and let us know if you need anything.  There’s pizza, chips, and soda in the room next door.   Just remember to always keep the following in your mind when you’re making calls”:

“FREEDOM IS WHITE AND WHITE IS RIGHT!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)))  “I just love working with all of you,” said Chip.  ”How ’bout a group hug?”

“A FREEDOM HUG!!”

“And on that note, this is SPB….on location, at a local Republican campaign headquarters.”

“We take great pride in our diversity,” said Ophelia Cox as she prepares to cut this ribbon of freedom.