“To Kill A Mockingbird”….starring Mitt Romney as Atticus Finch:
It was a hot, sticky, summer evening in Alabama. Atticus Finch rocked on his front porch with his two children, Jem and Scout, as he pondered how he would defend Tom Robinson, a black man being accused of raping a white woman at a trial beginning the next day.
His two children were coming of age and were beginning to ask “coming-of-age” questions.
“Atticus?”
“Yes Scout?”
“Are we rich?”
“My God yes Scout….whatever would make you ask such a foolish question? Why I have more than 500 million in off-shore accounts in the Cayman Islands alone….and that represents just a fraction of my wealth.”
“Well, Cecil O’Malley at school says you must be rich… otherwise you wouldn’t be defending a nigger man for free if you needed the money.”
“Scout, what have I told you about that term? That’s what common lower and middle class whites whose jobs I’ve taken through corporate takeovers and downsizing call colored people to whom they direct their anger when they should be angry at me.”
“Well then why ARE you defending Tom Robinson, Atticus? insisted Jem.
“Well Jem….Cecil is right….we don’t need the money. But there’s more to it than that. You see, I’m running for higher office soon and I could use whatever minority vote I can get….even if the only people who vote for me is the Robinson family. By defending Tom Robinson, Jem, this is my cynical way of appearing as if I really care about the colored man.”
“Well do you care about the colored man Atticus?
“Why of course not Jem..hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Don’t be silly.”
“Atticus?”
“Yes, Scout?”
“What does “cynical” mean?”
“Well Scout, it’s what people like me become when they’re filthy rich and they feel like they can do anything they want and manipulate everything and everyone they come in contact with.”
“What does “manipulate” mean, Atticus?”
“Well Scout, it’s something that disingenuous people like me do when they can get what they want through any means necessary….even if those means are dishonest. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“Atticus?
“Yes Scout?”
“What does “disingenuous” mean?”
“Shut the fuck up, Scout.”
“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”…Starring Mitt Romney as Brick:
“Why Brick, darlin’, ah need a man and ah need one now.”
“Well Maggie,what I need is a drink…and then another, and another..”
“Well Big Daddy says the reason you won’t give me what I want, Brick darlin’, is because you’re a stiff, emotionless man who walks like a politician with a cob up his ass….and that you’re in love with another man!”
“That’s insane Maggie and you can tell that fat fucking father of yours I said so. I have no intention of marrying Timmy no matter how much I may love him because as a Mormon I’m repulsed by homosexuals and I’m even more against gay marriage.”
Maggie waits for the Brick….who will never come
“Why Brick, who said ANYTHING about gay marriage? And who is this Timmy you say you’re in love with?”
“Uhh, nobody…who said anything about Timmy?”
“Why you did Brick darlin’….just now.”
“Maggie….what I WOULD love….is another drink. Now why don’t you go into the bedroom and get into your sexy underthings and after I finish I’ll be in there to give you the high hard one.”
“Oh Brick…do you promise?”
“Yes Maggie….right after I pop these five or six Viagra and read over the latest copy of Blueboy.”
Paths of Glory….Starring Mitt Romney as General Mireau:
(General Mireau inspects the troops in the trenches)
“Well, hello there soldier….are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“Yes sir….just show me where they are.”
“HAHAHA…very good soldier.”
“You there soldier….are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Good. And you soldier…..are you ready to kill some Afghans?”
“Sir?”
“I say, are you ready to kill some Afghans, soldier?”
“Uh yes sir…..I mean no sir…..I mean I think I am sir…I mean…I’m sorry sir, uh?”
“SHUT UP YOU STINKING COWARD….GET THIS STINKING COWARD OUT OF MY FACE!!”
“Col Dax, you are in charge of these men….what is a stinking coward doing in a man’s Army? All MEN should be willing to fight for the United States of America and die for its freedom.”
“Yes sir, but….”
“Col Dax…..by my estimations, your next mission….to take the Afghan Anthill, will cost more than half of your men…perhaps even more. They shall die patriots Col Dax….for freedom defending the greatest country on earth.”
“Sir, you speak as if me losing over half of my men is of little consequence.”
“Why Col Dax….it IS of little consequence because they are dying for defending freedom much like my own five sons would if not for the fact that they are members of an elite class and would never serve alongside the likes of these vermin here. Besides, three of them are millionaire hedge fund managers working on Wall St and the other two are at studying law at Ivy League schools.”
“You don’t say sir?”
“Why Col Dax, I myself would have served in battle and even considered dying as a true patriot for this incredible country of ours if it were not for the fact that as a young man I was serving a greater cause….as a missionary for the Church of The Later Day Saints.”
“Why sir, I always thought that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.”
“What was that Col Dax?”
“Nothing sir.”
“Col Dax, I demand immediately that you tell me what you said.”
“Well sir, Samuel Johnson once said that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel…that is, those who wrap themselves in our flag while calling for the blood of others…..are disingenuous cowards.”
“COL DAX I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!!!”
“General….I will apologize…..I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!!! For you are a disgusting pussy-face degenerate! I will apologize for not having the GUTS to say that to you what I’ve always wanted to say to you.”
“And what would that be Col. Dax?”
“You, sir, are lower than rat shit. You sir….are nearly as worthless as Mitt Romney himself.”
“Col Dax, you’ve gone too far. I shall take not one more second of your impertinence and I shall see you before a courts martial.”
…..join us for the next edition of Masterpiece Theater with Mitt Romney as Captain Queeg in “The Caine Mutiny”, as Ted Bundy in “The Deliberate Stranger”, and as the cowardly soldier who General Patton slaps in the war epic, “Patton.”
Maybe Mitt should try a vignette or two. The blatant ideology talk seems to be backfiring. Brilliant as usual…
Dam thats so good laughed so much thank you
You are on a roll my friend!
Good morning, er afternoon where you are, good buddy