Nothing speaks to freedom more than red, white, and blue balloons
This year’s Republican Convention in Tampa was an event for the ages. The stars came out like never before with some of the biggest names in the music and movie industries, such as Pat Boone, The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skynard, Larry the Cable Guy and Jamie “Klinger” Farr making an appearance and thrilling delegates like Bert and Ernie Crotchrot of Macon, Mississippi.
Ernie kisses wife Bert, who is also his mother, at the Republican convention
“I saw the Oak Ridge Boys, Lynard Skyard, and my all time favorite singer Pat Boone,”said an overly excited Bert Crotchrot. Boone headlined the second day’s events by serenading the 80-plus crowd with his last major hit, 1957′s “I Don’t Want Your Pussy {Cat}.”
Who needs Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio when you have “Mr. Whitebucks”.
Boone appearing at the convention in his favorite shirt before heading back to his suite at the Hilton Garden Inn to have sex with underage boys.
“People make fun of us,” said Bert’s husband, Ernie, “but we’ve got Boone, Meatloaf, Pat Sajak, and George Hamilton and all the other side has is George Clooney, Bruce Springsteen, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio. What a bunch of losers,” Crotchrot added with glee.
But the biggest buzz of the event came when the corpse of Ronald Reagan put in an appearance for the third Republican Convention in a row–this time in the form of washed-up actor Jon Voight.
The corpse of Ronald Reagan appearing as Jon Voight this year….who appears stunned and pissed in this photo when told the Georgia mountain hillbillies never really wanted to cornhole him up the ass in Deliverance preferring Ned Beatty all along.
“The place went nuts when The Gipper showed up,” said Max Santorum of Buttlick, Oklahoma. ”He might have looked like Jon Voight but we all knew who he was. That walk, that look, and that teflon smile….all unmistakably Reagan, said Santorum.
“And then when he got up there and said, It’s morning in America again, well, that just brought the house down,” added Santorum.
“Four years ago it was Clint Eastwood who appeared as the corpse of Ronald Reagan,” said Republican Convention spokesperson and organizer, Claude Balls. ”But this year he appeared as a crazed and blabbering, senile old man who talked to a chair. We knew he couldn’t possibly be Ronald Reagan if he was blabbering and senile,” added Balls. ”Next year we hope to have Wayne Newton appear as Ronald Reagan. But if we’re REALLY lucky, we can get Tom Selleck,” he added.
Freedom isn’t free. And these beauts were purchased for only 149.95 at Payless Shoe Stores in Lawton, Oklahoma.
This year’s convention was dominated by hot topics such as fried chicken, semen, queers, and freedom/9-11 which we discussed with some of the delegates.
“Sir?” I asked a Mississippi delegate. “I understand the idea has come up to serve more fried chicken at future Republican conventions in an effort to reach out to minorities and draw more African Americans besides Condoleezza Rice to the convention. Can you confirm that?”
Country First….expresses this fucking old whore who still thinks McCain is running
“Yes…it’s our understanding that negroes like fried chicken,” said the Mississippi delegate.
“Well, first of all….you do know that the term negro is no longer considered acceptable. And, second, where did you get your information on the fried chicken thing?”
“We obtained that information from the website http://www.whitepower.com which also referred to these people as negroes which means it must be okay.”
“Why there’s Patricia Heaton of Everybody Loves Raymond fame! Excuse me….MS HEATON! MS. HEATON!!”
“Yes? How are you?”
“Good, Ms. Heaton…and it’s good to see you here at the Republican Convention again. I just had a couple of quick questions: Do you think the fact that you’re a crazed, irrational, glassy-eyed anti abortionist has anything to do with the fact that your career has tanked and you’re now simply regarded as a fucking whackjob?“
Patricia Heaton says you men out there may be tempted to whack off to her tits….but you would be killing semen if you do and for that you will very likely burn in semen-killing hell which is why she wears this cross between her tits in order to make you men out there, including me, less likely to whack off to her tits.
“Well, I haven’t really given it much thought….but you may have a point.”
“We at SPB have learned that you’re now championing a crusade called Semen is Life…what exactly do you mean by that?”
“Well, our organization believes that life begins at the male ejaculation stage and we, therefore, believe that unless semen is being ejaculated to conceive life, it should not be ejaculated at all.”
“Hmmm…really? Does that include jerking off.”
“Absolutely.”
“So you don’t believe men should jerk off in the interest of not misusing semen?”
“Yes…that’s exactly what we believe. Every time you or any other man jerks off, you’re sending semen to its death. We don’t believe in that which is why we believe President Obama is a socialist and is not from this earth.”
“Excuse me Ms. Heaton….I have to ask a question of this couple from Salt Lake City, Utah. Can I get your names please?”
“Yes, I’m Donny Osmond and this is my wife Marie.”
“Mr. and Ms. Osmond….queers have been a hot topic at this year’s convention. How do you feel about queers having gay sex?”
“Well, we would be against that of course,” said Donny Osmond.
“Yea, but what if that homo sex was something you were totally oblivious to and taking place thousands of miles from your home, in the privacy of someone else’s home, behind closed doors?”
“We would still be against it,” chimed in Marie Osmond.
“Say Marie, would you suck my dick if it was clean?”
“Why of course not Donny….that would be very un-Mormon like.
“Why Marie…..YOU DIRTY COCKSUCKER!!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA….Donny you’re such a cut-up.”
“That’s right,” added her husband. ”We’re against anything that we don’t know about in a place that we’re not aware of involving people we don’t know.”
“But we definitely believe in freedom,” added his wife.
“Speaking of which, who do you believe will be better for freedom: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?”
“We, of course, believe Mitt Romney, when he’s elected President, will give us back the freedom that Barack Obama has taken away from us ever since 9-11,” said Mr. Osmond.
“Pardon?”
“Freedom began on 9-11 and we believe that freedom will be restored in America if we have another 9-11 and we believe there’s a much greater chance of having another 9-11 under a President Romney,” said Marie Osmond.
“Then and only then will we get our country back,” said Donny Osmond.
“Well, how does God feel about the fact that you as a Mormon are fucking your sister?” I asked Donny.
“God is very forgiving….especially to us members of the Church of Latter Day Saints.”
This is SPB reporting from the Republican Convention in Tampa, Fl.
Former Presidents Bush and Reagan, and their respective wives, give the thumbs up for Mitt Romney.
Great article!
My husband and I watched the RNC all three nights. I have never seen so many fucked up white folks in my life (I’m an old white lady).
The republican platform is:
Anti Black
Anti Hispanic
Anti Asian
Anti LGBT
Anti Woman
Am I missing anything?
When Clint Eastwood went ‘off’ on the chair, I looked at my husband and said what an angry old white guy, my husband answered “well I’m an angry old white guy, and I’m voting for President Obama!”
Watching Ryan on Wednesday spew lie after lie after lie, I thought “and this guy calls himself a christian.” The fact checkers had a field day with his fucking lies, and I was so grateful that he was called out for his fucking lies. Even FAUX called him out (full discloser, it was the only Liberal employed at fake news). But at least it was mentioned! Thank Dog for life’s little pleasures!
When Romney accepted the nomination for president on Thursday night, we were amazed that he did not mention our Troops and their families ONCE. My husband, who served three tours in Vietnam still rails about Romney being pro-Vietnam war but hid out like a fucking chicken hawk in a chateau in France, claiming to convert Catholic French people into morons~oops, I mean mormons is fucking sickening!!
Of course, Vomitt didn’t bother to mention our Firefighters, Police, or Teachers, so how can he be expected to remember our Troops. After all him and his whore Ann look at “You People” as the fucking help!!
Several articles including Huffington Post stated Vomitt never mentioned war is his bullshit speech, BUT my husband and I heard him mention Russia, China, Syria, and Iran, AND how our Country was going to defend against those Countries suppressions, SO in my book Vomitt did talk about WAR. The Fucker just didn’t bother to mention Afghanistan!!
One of the other things that disturbed my husband and I was the fucking audience reaction, or should I say lack of reaction when Vomitt brought up the fact that he wanted to help those less fortunate. Not a fucking noise!! These old pasty geezers are so fucking selfish they wouldn’t help another soul if their lives depended on it!
If by chance the republican baggers steal the election this November our Country is fucking DOOMED!
I am afraid either way our County is in for trouble, and we are facing another Civil War. The baggers are saying they will NOT support President Obama for second term, and are already threatening war. If by chance this happens, I say this I may be a Liberal BUT I am fucking armed, and I will fight!
Peace,
debi(~};)
hey, happy birthday!
Another “keeper” Lefty! Small gubmint, just big enough to keep you from whacking off!
nothing can keep us from our chosen path my friend
Exactly (and – southpaw – another great post).
Re: the list? You forgot anti-children. They only care (and minimally at that) for the fetus.
Great article, SouthPaw!
hipichick7…….nice………ice!
thanks Mary