In an act of unparalleled self-sacrifice, Todd Akin agreed to be the fall guy in a nationwide Republican campaign to make prominent misogynistic asswipes look like relatively fine fellows.
“We knew it was going to be a hard sell to American women if we just came out and said, Republicans want to do good things for you, so we decided to get creative,” said Republican strategist Shay Nemon.
“So…to make other Republicans look reasonable you came up with a looney script for Akin where he says women have some internal equipment that blocks hostile sperm.”
“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a blocking mechanism. It could be that when a woman is legitimately raped, her glands release a toxin that makes all those little polywogs go splat. Or maybe all her insides start violently shaking and knock the sperm out.”
“Or maybe, there is a rape sperm detector that turns on an automatic sprinkler system.”
“The possibilities are endless, gordita.”
“I’m curious, Mr. Nemon, how did you come up with Mr. Akin’s script?”
“Don’t be shy. I’m sure you had some other good ideas.”
“Well, we did have a lot of ideas–outrageous and offensive ideas–but they weren’t implausible enough. We needed something that sounded freakishly otherworldly–you know like throwing a woman into a river to see if she is a witch.”
“So the bottom line is that the Republicans had Akin spout a bunch of cuckoo for cocoa puffs craziness to make women feel relieved that their rights are only being threatened by regular, run-of-the-mill Republican extremists like Romney and Ryan?”
“Yeah, that about sums it up.”
“Geez, Mr. Nemon. It looks like Todd Akin is going to lose the election as a result of this gambit. He has been tarred and feathered in the press. Women want to spit on him. How can Republicans ever begin to pay him back?”
That depends on whether Romney wins and the Republicans take the Senate…and Ruth Bader Ginsburg retires.”
“And if those things happen?”
Then we’ll start our campaign to make Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, Alito and Roberts look like regular, run-of-the-mill Supreme Court Justices.