….well, if you want to call a one-sided, profanity-laced evisceration from the big man a “talk”.
God, already known as someone who can swear a blue streak, lit into the Chick-Fil-A magnate like flies light on shit and SPB picked up yesterday’s entire phone conversation:
“LISTEN YOU FUCKING PECKERWOOD !!…If I EVER hear you say another word about “God’s Judgment”, or “God’s Mercy on our Generation” or anything else like you’re my spokesman, I swear to God I’ll come down to fucking earth and cut your fucking NUTS OFF!!…You HEAR ME?!?!”
“Yes sir I do but….”
“SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP!!!”
Sorry Dan, no more speaking for God. Otherwise…….
“We’ve got enough of a bad rep up here as it is without a pseudo pasty boy like you going off all sanctimony-like as if you’re speaking for us and you know what the fuck I want!”
“But sir, if you’d just give me a minute I could….”
“I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP while I’m talking. You piece of shit….you and that fucking brother of yours make 100 million a year selling that crap chicken to a bunch of blank-faced evangelicals and all you kicked in to me last year was a measly 2 million?!?!”
“I can explain sir it was our accountant’s fault and…”
“Fuck you, you Christian pussy. I’m SO SICK of Christian pussies with whiny, excuse-making voices that sound like Ned Flanders. I swear to God, not in a million goddamn years did I think when I created all you motherfuckers on earth that all the Christians would turn out to be sniveling, whiny pussies. Not in a million years… And what was that you said about “shaking a FIST at me?!” Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, if you so much as raise a finger in my direction I’ll strike your ass down so quick they’ll be pulling pieces of your head our of your ass.”
“But God, I….’
“You WHAT!?!? What are you gonna do? YOU’RE gonna start deciding who can eat your shitty chicken now?!?! HELLLO…didn’t you get the message that it’s ME that decides shit…NOT YOU!!
“But I didn’t….”
“So, from this point forward….here’s what you’re gonna do: #1, you’re gonna let any goddamn person on this planet who likes your shitty food come into your restaurants when they want, how they want, dressed the WAY they want, and holding hands with WHO they want. I don’t give a shit if some guy married to a HORSE comes through your doors….you’ll serve them….you understand?!”
“Yes sir but…”
“#2….you’ll now be kicking two million a month upstairs to me instead of the fucking 2 million a year you’ve been giving. And #3, I don’t want to ever hear your hypocritical, christiany ass speaking for me, heaven, or anything else religious under the banner of Shit-Fil-A…understand?”
“Yes sir, and I…”
“And if I ever see or hear of you slip….even once, I’ll release the videos I have of you pulling a Jerry Sandusky on that fry cook kid of yours at that restaurant in OshKosh, Wisconsin a couple years back so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
Apparently God has evidence of Dan Cathy sucking on something much bigger than a straw…
“I can explain that sir….you see…”
“You think I wasn’t looking you asshole? Did you forget I don’t miss anything up here? Why I have the goods so much on Mike Huckabee he won’t scratch his fat ass without looking up at the sky. How many restaurants do you have Cathy?”
“As of today sir, I believe we have about four thousand four hundred stores throughout the U.S.”
“Well, if you fuck up again, it’ll be half that by the end of this week….you understand?”
“Yes sir.”
“By the way Cathy….last week I stopped by one of your stores up above and I thought I’d let you know that your chickenshit sandwich was rubbery, the mayonnaise on it tasted rancid, the fries were greasy, and my diet coke tasted like cat piss. As far as I’m concerned, Chick-Fil-A can go straight to hell.”
This post is pretty amazing. God the abusive father treating Cathy just as one would expect an abusive, homophobic father to treat a gay child.
Southpaw should end it with the abused son Cathy telling his abuser that he loves him.
I’m laughing my ass off and this is great. I would like to point out that you could have said everything with one phrase, “blank-faced evangelicals”. Thanks for the laughs.
Ditto. In the nicest possible way.
Any evangelical-based fast food restaurants in Germany good buddy?
LOL. None that come to mind. Heathens, mostly — good food and beer, hold the Jeebus.
Fond memories of German beer! Are you there now?
I tasted some lovely, lovely wheat beer on the KD a couple of summers ago.
Argh – it’s me, MontanaHome
Hey, yeah, I retired from the Air Force here and am married to a local. I don’t think we’re ever leaving, and not just for the beer!
I’d do exactly the same thing, let me tell you. I love Germany.
omfg – what a riot!!!!!! Ha!!