Just released, America’s new Post-Tragedy Priority List 2012-2013:
1) Hugs, hugs, hugs….preferably camera friendly group hugs.
2) Candlelight vigils…and lots of them….to the tune of “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin which becomes the new theme song for Aurora, CO, specifically, and AMC Theaters in general….causing the song to jump back to #1 for the first time since its release more than 40 years ago causing now geriatric Led Zeppelin leaders Jimmy Page and Robert Plant to get back together and start a worldwide tour causing a revival of all things Led Zeppelin.
3) Laying pictures of victims at site of tragedy with inscriptions saying “you are gone but not forgotten.” Laying teddy bears and pink and yellow ribbons, preferably in large piles, at site. Governor appears at site and says to Ken or Barbie news reporter from local News Channel 4 that “we must start the grieving process.”
4) Legions of 2nd Amendment defenders begin crusade for their constitutional rights before rigor mortis sets in with the latest victims of mass killing.
5) Religious leaders blame tragedy on failure to post Ten Commandments at site where tragedy occurred.
6) Americans appear on camera as much as possible responding to insipid, sensational, sanctimonious questions from disingenuous reporters with nearly as insipid responses such as “you don’t expect things like this to happen in Aurora,” “this will make us stronger,” “this will change our lives forever,” “we’re just praying for everyone,” “this has given me a new appreciation of life and I realize that God didn’t put us on this earth for very long and I need to make the most of it,” “I plan to cherish those close to me and around me that much more,” and “I’ll be saying an extra prayer for the victims and their families this Sunday in church.”
7) Political hand-wringing on Sunday morning talk shows about how horrible this tragedy was and how much “we’re all praying for the the victims and their families.”
8) A parade of lawsuits started by anyone and everyone who happened to be at the scene of the tragedy blaming them for not protecting you and claiming that “this isn’t about the money….it’s about making sure something like this never happens again”….although you and I both know it WILL happen again real soon. And you and I both know it IS about the money.
9) Pointless security tightened at movie theaters, post offices, Wal-Marts, schools, etc., and consider putting TSA in all of those locations focusing on blacks and Hispanics and anyone who does NOT fit the profile of serial killer which is normally a pasty, white fundamentalist Christian.
10) The first book from various victims who lived to tell their “stories” released at Barnes and Noble.
11) A return to Americans’ isolated life style, avoiding neighbors at all costs (except to possibly say hello in the morning before work if you should inadvertently come outside at the same time as your neighbor who is picking up his paper) until your neighbor goes on a murderous rampage at Wal-Mart right down the road and, when asked by the Ken or Barbie news reporter from News Channel 4 whether or not you ever noticed any craziness in your neighbor, you simply say you barely knew him but he seemed like a nice person who would never have done such a thing which you can’t believe could have ever happened in YOUR town of all places.
1006) Consider possibly, maybe beginning a discourse on guns in America which may or may not include as part of the possible discourse the subject of gun control…..