by gordita
Ladies and gentlemen, in what may be the news event of the bi-milennium, we are about to hear from God and Satan on what they love or hate more, science or heathcare. Please give a warm welcome to Goooo…
God?
<<CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP>>
“God? Is that you?”
Perkins: “Oh ho!!! I wish! No, gordita, I’m Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. God told me He was invited to talk here this morning so I came by to give Him my support.”
“Wow. God spoke to you?”
Perkins: “Absolutely.”
“Really?!?!?!?! You heard God’s real voice and not just your own internal voice talking to you in your head?”
Perkins: “That’s right, gordita. It’s God’s real voice that speaks to me…every morning in fact.”
“Er, what exactly does God say, Mr. Perkins?”
Perkins: “He says that…uh…except for my homosexual urges…which everyone knows come from Satan…everything I think, say, feel, and do is in perfect alignment with His Will.”
“Uh. Right. Listen, Mr. Perkins, God looks like a no-show. Seeing as how you talk to Him every day would you be willing to stand in for Him?
Perkins: “It would be an honor, gordita.”
“Great. Well, we don’t want to keep our other guest waiting do we? Please give a warm round of applause to our guest Satan.”
<<CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP>>
“Mr. Ailes! Are you here to represent Satan in his absence?”
Satan: “No, gordita, how many times do I have to tell you…I actually am Satan. And before we get going, I want to set the record straight regarding Mr. Perkins’ homosexual desires. I do not give people homosexual urges. I hate queers…especially Ghandi and Jesus.”
Jesus and his beloved. For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, it’s right there in the Bible
Perkins: “Now wait just a cotton-picking minute ….”
“Gentlemen, this is a fascinating conversation but we need to get to the topic we all came to discuss: namely, what do God and Satan love or hate most? Science or healthcare? First let’s talk about Science. Gentlemen?”
Perkins: “Believe me when I tell you, gordita, God hates science like nothing you would believe…even more than he hates queers.”
Satan: “I detest science too, gordita. But, once again, I feel I need to set the record straight. God loooooooooooves gays. I’M the one who hates them.”
Perkins: “We are going to have to agree to disagree on that score, Satan. I have spoken to God and ….”
“Gentlemen! Let’s stay on topic! Healthcare, do you love or hate it and how much?”
Satan: “Oh God! I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE healthcare. I can’t tell you how much I hate healthcare. Disease exists in the world for only one reason: because Eve listened to me in the garden. Other than Fox News, that is the supreme achievement of my whole existence and anything that goes against that is an insult to my legacy.”
Perkins: “Gordita, healthcare is a travesty! And it goes against God’s plan for eliminating poverty.”
“What is God’s plan for eliminating poverty, Mr. Perkins?”
Perkins: “Poverty will be eliminated when the manly, NON-HOMO Jesus comes and slaughters all the mooches with his sword of fire.”
Satan, bending over and holding his side: <<HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA >>
Satan (wiping tears from his eyes): “Seriously…I am all for the sword of fire thing…hell, I’m the one who came up with it. Still, I have to say something for the record, Tony. I knew Jesus. I talked to him many times. And I gotta tell you, Jesus was as queer as a lemonade car wash.”
Perkins: “Those are fighting words, Satan! Put ‘em up!”
Satan: “Stand down Tony. You’re too much of a pussy to fight me.”
“Gentlemen! Stop! Stop this now!”
<<Tony glares at Satan while throwing punches in the air >>
Satan: “Hey Tony….”
Perkins: “Yeah?”
Satan: “I’m the one who talked to you this morning. Hell, I talk to you every morning. Just thought you should know that. And the homosexual urges…they come from God but I have messed you up so bad, you wouldn’t know God from a Chik-Fil-A sandwich.”
Perkins: “Fuck you, Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Satan:”Oooooh. Profanity! I can see where you are going with this, Tony. But playing Romeo to your Juliet would not be my thing. Now, gordita on the other hand….”
You and me, babe, how ’bout it?
gordita leaning against the wall and holding her sides: <<HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA>>
“You are going to have to find some other woman to play Princess Leia to your Jabba the Hut, Satan. ‘Cause I ain’t going to do it. But, thank you…in fact, thank you both for being here today.”
Picture from Palin’s soon-to-be released book, “Gunning Down Science and Healthcare: It’s My Thing.”
