Monthly Archives: July 2012

God talks to Dan Cathy

Posted on July 31, 2012 by | 11 Comments

….well, if you want to call a one-sided, profanity-laced evisceration from the big man a “talk”.

God, already known as someone who can swear a blue streak, lit into the Chick-Fil-A magnate like  flies light on shit and SPB picked up yesterday’s entire phone conversation:

“LISTEN YOU FUCKING PECKERWOOD !!…If I EVER hear you say another word about “God’s Judgment”, or “God’s Mercy on our Generation” or anything else like you’re my spokesman, I swear to God I’ll come down to fucking earth and cut your fucking NUTS  OFF!!…You HEAR ME?!?!”

“Yes sir I do but….”

“SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP!!!”

Sorry Dan, no more speaking for God. Otherwise…….

“We’ve got enough of a bad rep up here as it is without a pseudo pasty boy like you going off all sanctimony-like as if you’re speaking for us and you know what the fuck I want!”

“But sir, if you’d just give me a minute I could….”

“I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP while I’m talking.  You piece of shit….you and that fucking brother of yours make 100 million a year selling that crap chicken to a bunch of blank-faced evangelicals and all you kicked in to me last year was a measly 2 million?!?!”

“I can explain sir it was our accountant’s fault and…”

“Fuck you, you Christian pussy.  I’m SO SICK of Christian pussies with whiny, excuse-making voices that sound like Ned Flanders.  I swear to God, not in a million goddamn years did I think when I created all you motherfuckers on earth that all the Christians would turn out to be sniveling, whiny pussies.  Not in a million years… And what was that you said about “shaking a FIST at me?!”  Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, if you so much as raise a finger in my direction I’ll strike your ass down so quick they’ll be pulling pieces of your head our of your ass.”

“But God, I….’

“You WHAT!?!?  What are you gonna do?  YOU’RE  gonna start deciding who can eat your shitty chicken now?!?!  HELLLO…didn’t you get the message that it’s ME that decides shit…NOT YOU!!

“But I didn’t….”

“So, from this point forward….here’s what you’re gonna do:  #1, you’re gonna let any goddamn person on this planet who likes your shitty food come into your restaurants when they want, how they want, dressed the WAY they want, and holding hands with WHO they want.  I don’t give a shit if some guy married to a HORSE comes through your doors….you’ll serve them….you understand?!”

“Yes sir but…”

“#2….you’ll now be kicking two million a month upstairs to me instead of the fucking 2 million a year you’ve been giving.   And #3, I don’t want to ever hear your hypocritical, christiany ass speaking for me, heaven, or anything else religious under the banner of Shit-Fil-A…understand?”

“Yes sir, and I…”

“And if I ever see or hear of you slip….even once, I’ll release the videos I have of you pulling a Jerry Sandusky on that fry cook kid of yours at that restaurant in OshKosh, Wisconsin a couple years back so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

Apparently God has evidence of Dan Cathy sucking on something much bigger than a straw…

“I can explain that sir….you see…”

“You think I wasn’t looking you asshole?  Did you forget I don’t miss anything up  here?  Why I have the goods so much on Mike Huckabee he won’t scratch his fat ass without looking up at the sky.    How many restaurants do you have Cathy?”

“As of today sir, I believe we have about four thousand four hundred stores throughout the U.S.”

“Well, if you fuck up again, it’ll be half that by the end of this week….you understand?”

“Yes sir.”

“By the way Cathy….last week I stopped by one of your stores up above and I thought I’d let you know that your chickenshit sandwich was rubbery, the mayonnaise on it tasted rancid, the fries were greasy, and my diet coke tasted like cat piss.  As far as I’m concerned, Chick-Fil-A can go straight to hell.”

→ 11 Comments

Posted in Fuck me!!, Gay Sex is Beautiful...Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can't Get Enough of It, Religion Crucified

Tagged ,

Post Tragedy Priority List in America

Posted on July 22, 2012 by | 5 Comments

Just released, America’s new Post-Tragedy Priority List 2012-2013:

1) Hugs, hugs, hugs….preferably camera friendly group hugs.

2) Candlelight vigils…and lots of them….to the tune of “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin which becomes the new theme song for Aurora, CO, specifically, and AMC Theaters in general….causing the song to jump back to #1 for the first time since its release more than 40 years ago causing now geriatric Led Zeppelin leaders Jimmy Page and Robert Plant to get back together and start a worldwide tour causing a revival of all things Led Zeppelin.

Statistics show that candlelight vigils bring down violent crime

3) Laying pictures of victims at site of tragedy with inscriptions saying “you are gone but not forgotten.”  Laying teddy bears and pink and yellow ribbons, preferably in large piles, at site.  Governor appears at site and says to Ken or Barbie news reporter from local News Channel 4 that “we must start the grieving process.”

4)  Legions of 2nd Amendment defenders begin crusade for their constitutional rights before rigor mortis sets in with the latest victims of mass killing.

5) Religious leaders blame tragedy on failure to post Ten Commandments at site where tragedy occurred.

6)  Americans appear on camera as much as possible responding to insipid, sensational, sanctimonious questions from disingenuous reporters with nearly as insipid responses such as “you don’t expect things like this to happen in Aurora,” “this will make us stronger,” “this will change our lives forever,” “we’re just praying for everyone,” “this has given me a new appreciation of life and I realize that God didn’t put us on this earth for very long and I need to make the most of it,” “I plan to cherish those close to me and around me that much more,” and “I’ll be saying an extra prayer for the victims and their families this Sunday in church.”

7) Political hand-wringing on Sunday morning talk shows about how horrible this tragedy was and how much “we’re all praying for the the victims and their families.”

8) A parade of lawsuits started by anyone and everyone who happened to be at the scene of the tragedy blaming them for not protecting you and claiming that “this isn’t about the money….it’s about making sure something like this never happens again”….although you and I both know it WILL happen again real soon.  And you and I both know it IS about the money.

9) Pointless security tightened at movie theaters, post offices, Wal-Marts, schools, etc., and consider putting TSA in all of those locations focusing on blacks and Hispanics and anyone who does NOT fit the profile of serial killer which is normally a pasty, white fundamentalist Christian.

10)  The first book from various victims who lived to tell their “stories” released at Barnes and Noble.

11)  A return to Americans’ isolated life style, avoiding neighbors at all costs (except to possibly say hello in the morning before work if you should inadvertently come outside at the same time as your neighbor who is picking up his paper) until your neighbor goes on a murderous rampage at Wal-Mart right down the road and, when asked by the Ken or Barbie news reporter from News Channel 4 whether or not you ever noticed any craziness in your neighbor, you simply say you barely knew him but he seemed like a nice person who would never have done such a thing which you can’t believe could have ever happened in YOUR town of all places.

…

1006)  Consider possibly, maybe beginning a discourse on guns in America which may or may not include  as part of the possible discourse the subject of gun control…..

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Religion Crucified, Stranger Than Truth

Teddy Therapy

Posted on July 20, 2012 by | 8 Comments

It’s been awhile since I’ve written from the heart on the pages of SPB….but I believe what happened in a particular movie theater in a particular part of America recently warrants yours truly speaking out.

In the wake of yet another horrible mass shooting in America, this time in Aurora, Colorado, I think it’s time to reflect on what America REALLY needs.  Obviously, besides more guns…up to and including arming movie and theater goers (Southpaw Beagle endorses the recent Michele Bachmann-Louie Gohmert bill making it mandatory for all movie ticket purchasers to carry a gun or rent one from the gun kiosks located in the concessions area of the theater), more prisons, and more capital punishment for more crimes, what this crisis calls for is more hugs….and more teddy bears.

Clearly as long as we have a communist for a President, there’s little, if any, chance that we’re going to be able to realize our dream of having a gun in every hand in America….so until we can get a like-minded American like Rand Paul or  Michele Bachmann in the White House, we need to hug as many people as we can.  And, we need more teddy bears….many, many more teddy bears.  President Obama has accomplished nothing during his first term (and thanks be to God it’s almost over)….so it’s up to we the people to do something to make this a better place.  We should form our own emergency rapid response organization.  Instead of calling it FEMA….we could call it, FEMAH:  First Everybody Must All Hug.

Scientific studies show that hugs and crocodile tears make everything, to include pain and tragedy, go away a lot quicker…even if the hugs are disingenuous.  The key is to just grasp the closest person to you….preferably someone who is morbidly obese, and just start hugging.

And we have to act quicker when it comes to dispatching as many teddy bears of all sizes, shapes, and colors, to the scenes of tragedies.  At last report, apparently only a few teddy bears and yellow ribbons were spotted at the multiplex theater in Aurora, Colorado.  Don’t people realize how important it is to pile a mountain of teddy bears, preferably with lots of Hersey chocolate hugs attached to them along with heart lockets and other crackerjack box-like trinkets, around the scene of a shooting?

I’m pretty sure Obama will try to take away our hugs and teddy bears just like he has tried to take away our guns.  We need to fight this with everything we’ve got.

So spread the word.  First Everyone Must All Hug (Femah).

Teddy bears of America in a second Obama term will end up here

→ 8 Comments

Posted in SouthPaw's Slant

Tagged ,

Science and Healthcare: Which Do God and Satan Love or Hate More?

Posted on July 17, 2012 by | Leave a comment

by gordita

Ladies and gentlemen, in what may be the news event of the bi-milennium, we are about to hear from God and Satan on what they love or hate more, science or heathcare.  Please give a warm welcome to Goooo…

God?

<<CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP>>

“God?  Is that you?”

Perkins: “Oh ho!!!  I wish!  No, gordita, I’m Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. God told me He was invited to talk here this morning so I came by to give Him my support.”

“Wow. God spoke to you?”

Perkins: “Absolutely.”

“Really?!?!?!?!  You heard God’s real voice and not just your own internal voice talking to you in your head?”

Perkins: “That’s right, gordita. It’s  God’s real voice that speaks to me…every morning in fact.”

“Er, what exactly does God say, Mr. Perkins?”

Perkins:  “He says that…uh…except for my homosexual urges…which everyone knows come from Satan…everything I think, say, feel, and do is in perfect alignment with His Will.”

“Uh. Right. Listen, Mr. Perkins, God looks like a no-show. Seeing as how you talk to Him every day would you be willing to stand in for Him?

Perkins: “It would be an honor, gordita.”

“Great.  Well, we don’t want to keep our other guest waiting do we?  Please give a warm round of applause to our guest Satan.”

<<CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP>>

“Mr. Ailes!  Are you here to represent Satan in his absence?”

Satan: “No, gordita, how many times do I have to tell you…I actually am Satan.  And before we get going, I want to set the record straight regarding Mr. Perkins’ homosexual desires. I do not give people homosexual urges.  I hate queers…especially Ghandi and Jesus.”

Jesus and his beloved.  For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, it’s right there in the Bible

Perkins: “Now wait just a cotton-picking minute ….”

“Gentlemen, this is a fascinating conversation but we need to get to the topic we all came to discuss:  namely, what do God and Satan love or hate most?  Science or healthcare?  First let’s talk about Science.  Gentlemen?”

Perkins:  “Believe me when I tell you, gordita, God hates science like nothing you would believe…even more than he hates queers.”

Satan: “I detest science too, gordita. But, once again, I feel I need to set the record straight. God loooooooooooves gays. I’M the one who hates them.”

Perkins: “We are going to have to agree to disagree on that score, Satan. I have spoken to God and ….”

“Gentlemen! Let’s stay on topic! Healthcare, do you love or hate it and how much?”

Satan:  “Oh God! I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE healthcare.  I can’t tell you how much I hate healthcare. Disease exists in the world for only one reason:  because Eve listened to me in the garden. Other than Fox News, that is the supreme achievement of my whole existence and anything that goes against that is an insult to my legacy.”

Perkins:  “Gordita, healthcare is a travesty! And it goes against God’s plan for eliminating poverty.”

“What is God’s plan for eliminating poverty, Mr. Perkins?”

Perkins:  “Poverty will be eliminated when the manly, NON-HOMO Jesus comes and slaughters all the mooches with his sword of fire.”

Satan, bending over and holding his side:   <<HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA >>

Satan (wiping tears from his eyes):  “Seriously…I am all for the sword of fire thing…hell, I’m the one who came up with it. Still, I have to say something for the record, Tony. I knew Jesus. I talked to him many times. And I gotta tell you, Jesus was as queer as a lemonade car wash.”

Perkins:  “Those are fighting words, Satan! Put ‘em up!”

Satan: “Stand down Tony. You’re too much of a pussy to fight me.”

“Gentlemen!  Stop! Stop this now!”

<<Tony glares at Satan while throwing punches in the air >>

Satan: “Hey Tony….”

Perkins: “Yeah?”

Satan: “I’m the one who talked to you this morning.  Hell, I talk to you every morning. Just thought you should know that.  And the homosexual urges…they come from God but I have messed you up so bad, you wouldn’t know God from a Chik-Fil-A sandwich.”

Perkins: “Fuck you, Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Satan:”Oooooh. Profanity! I can see where you are going with this, Tony. But playing Romeo to your Juliet would not be my thing. Now, gordita on the other hand….”

You and me, babe, how ’bout it?

gordita leaning against the wall and holding her sides:  <<HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA>>

“You are going to have to find some other woman to play Princess Leia to your Jabba the Hut, Satan. ‘Cause I ain’t going to do it. But, thank you…in fact, thank you both for being here today.”

Picture from Palin’s soon-to-be released book, “Gunning Down Science and Healthcare: It’s My Thing.”

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged ,

And How Was Your Week?

Posted on July 15, 2012 by | 1 Comment

Governor “Just Close Your Eyes” Corbett

Republican Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett’s Talking Points for this Week:

Monday:  I have no knowledge of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.

Tuesday:   I’m not aware of any knowledge I may have had of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.

Wednesday:  If I had any knowledge of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky, I regret such knowledge.

Thursday:  I apologize if I had any knowledge of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.

Friday:  I have no plans to resign the Governorship related to any knowledge I may have had of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.

Saturday:  With great regret, I resign the Governorship based on the knowledge I may or may not have had of anything that transpired at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.

Sunday:  My book related to my involvement with Penn State and Jerry Sandusky, called What I Knew or Did Not Know About Anything that Transpired at Penn State Involving Jerry Sandusky and My Regret Over My Alleged Involvement, will be released on Monday, July 23rd, 2012 at Barnes and Noble.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged ,