Yellow jacket toxin. Cobra venom dripping from the fang. Crushed shark cartilage. Bullfrog skin extract. Camel colostrum secretion. Sterile snail slime. And most powerful of all, DINGO drool. These are the elixirs that Sarah Palin has swallowed and slathered onto her body in order to retain the fresh glow of youth.
Then something went wrong…terribly wrong.
“What went wrong?” asked gordita.
“Delta lost her bags, including the one with the potions in it. On a flight to…of all places…New York City,” explains Palin’s long-time personal assistant Beau Tocks. “If she had been en route to Hoboken, Georgia or Burning Cross, South Carolina, she might have been all right. But New York City put us in a crisis situation.”
“I’m not sure I follow. What exactly is the crisis?”
“When a hateful, mean-spirited woman loses her bloom, she goes fugly in a hurry,” explained Mr. Tocks. “For example, here is Maggie Gallagher advocating death to homosexuals:”
“Here is Karen Handel advocating cancer for poor women:”
“Here is Ann Coulter arguing that black Democrats should not be allowed to vote:”
And here is former Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris who used the power of her office to make sure black Democrats didn’t vote.
“As you can see,” said Mr. Tocks, “all that bile builds up in their pores. Even when they are airbrushed, they look ghoulish…maniacal even.”
“Yes I see all that but what is the big crisis you’re so worried about?” asked gordita.
“Delta found the bag with Sarah Palin’s Magic Mirror. She’s about to ask the big question.”
“The big question?”
“Yeah…you know…Mirror Mirror on the Wall….”
“It’s about to get really, really, really ugly, my friend.”