Monthly Archives: January 2012

Newt Celebrates Victory in South Carolina

Posted on January 21, 2012 by | 31 Comments

Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, commemorated his huge  primary victory in South Carolina today by sleeping with Governor Nikki Haley who, based on his performance, quickly endorsed him.

Even Newt can't believe Nikki slept with him. But Governor Haley has a history of sleeping with fat pussies who happen to be men of influence.

“What better way to celebrate than to fuck a Governor,” said Gingrich.

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t make it a habit to sleep with all men other than my husband,” said the Governor and serial adulteress.   “I limit my adultery to men of influence and those who are up and coming….and believe me, I can tell you from first hand experience that Newt is ‘up and coming,’” said Haley with a saucy laugh.

The Governor supported him.....

...but ended up fucking HIM. "Mitt doesn't know what he missed," says Gingrich.

As for the people of evangelical South Carolina, they don’t seem to care so long as the Governor is sleeping with a white man.

“He’s got the right skin color,” said evangelist and KKK sympathizer Orville Dick Beiter of Sumter.  “Plus Newt is a fat hog with jowls like me and most everyone I know in South Carolina.  He talks like us, looks like us, and fucked our Governor  which is good enough for me.”

Gingrich’s wife Callista said she will continue to stand by her man even though he slept with Governor Haley.

Callista stands by her man even when he sleeps with other women.....and men

“Is there any place you would draw a line in terms of your husband’s extra-marital activities?”  I asked.

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is,” said Callista.  “If he falls in love…like he did a while back with that pussy-ass Santorum…I will cut his balls off.”

→ 31 Comments

Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

Tagged , ,

Taking a Santorum

Posted on January 8, 2012 by | 8 Comments

Unknown to most earthlings, who arrogantly believe that life exists only on Earth, there are many species of humanoids scattered across the universe.  One thing that all humanoids have in common is that they all defecate.  But if humanoid culture on the planet Alfa is any guide, there are perhaps as many views of defecation as there are humanoid species.

Planet Alfa

The planet Alfa is located in our galaxy some 25 light years from our sun and the humanoids who live there–homo merdaleus–regard defecation with reverence.

“The beings on Alfa call it ‘taking a Santorum,’” said famed astro-anthropologist, Hans Omaicok.  “And it fits in with their creation myths,” added Omaicok.  “Inhabitants of Alfa believe that god shat the world and all humanoids into existence.  Consequently, they regard every shit as a sacred creation.  Santorum is of central importance to the Alfarians because he is the most perfect shit ever born.  He is worshiped on Alfa as a god.”

Alfarian worshiper pictured in a state of religious ecstasy

Alfarians take their devotion to Santorum very seriously.  Telescopic images of Alfa indicate that the inhabitants consume huge amounts of food allowing them to defecate some four times a day.

“Four times a day equates to some 1408 defecations (or Santorums) in an earth year,” said Omaicok.  “The thing is, one earth year equals 70 years on Alfa which means on average, an inhabitant of Alfa  defecates about 98560 times a year…and since they generally live about 1000 years compared to our average of around 75 years, each Alfarian defecates about 983500000 times in a their average lifetime.  It bears noting that the homo merdaleus population on Alfa is large. The planet, which is roughly the size of Uranus, is literally covered with sacred mountains of Santorum.”

...

“In our culture, by contrast,” explained Omaicok, “a Santorum is something so embarrassing that we are loathe to speak of it.  Part of this has to do with our own relatively antiseptic creation myths and our cultural taboos against mixing sex and excrement.  Part of it has to do with the fact that Santorum is a heartless, money-grubbing Christofascist closeted homophobic racist who wears pussy-assed sweater vests.”

“If I had to sum up the primary difference between our two humanoid cultures I would say this:  when THEY ‘take a Santorum’ they feel that they are participating in an activity that is godlike.  Sentient earthlings, on the other hand, regard a ‘Santorum’ as a colonic embarrassment.  In the common English vernacular we would equate ‘Santorum’ with a ‘slimy shit’…or better yet, a ‘slimy dumbshit.’”

→ 8 Comments

Posted in Excrement of the Month, Gay Sex is Beautiful...Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can't Get Enough of It, Stranger Than Truth

Tagged

“Bla..” People

Posted on January 8, 2012 by | 11 Comments

“I don’t want to make bla.. people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.”

At a recent campaign stop in Iowa, Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum boldly initiated a national dialogue about a topic that until now was thought to be off limits:  “bla..” people.  Listeners who initially heard Santorum’s remarks thought that the former Pennsylvania Senator had referred to “black people” but in a later interview with CNN Santorum insisted that was not the case.  “No, I have absolutely no issues with black people.  Some of my very best friends are black people.   As a matter of fact, I was over at a black friend’s  house just last week having dinner.  Well….it wasn’t really dinner….it was more like a snack.  Well, at the risk of being hypertechnical, it wasn’t actually a snack, it was more of a cup of coffee with this black friend who wasn’t really a friend per se.  Uhhh..truth be told…it was a guy I met last week at the mall who said he liked what I have to say and invited me over….and I didn’t actually GO IN to his house literally speaking….it was more like I was out on the front stoop for a couple of minutes.  I couldn’t actually go into this negro’s, err, BLACK man’s house and run the possible risk of … risk of…uh…losing valuable time on the campaign trail.”

“In any event, when you people the other day THOUGHT you heard me say BLACK people, I was talking about the growing problem of giving handouts to bla.. people.”

“Who EXACTLY, are bla.. people Senator Santorum?” I asked.

“Bla.. people are the parasites of our society….those who abuse our food stamp and welfare system, are the greatest benefactors of the failed affirmative action program,  abuse drugs and live in drug infested ghettos throughout the inner city, create most violent crime, listen to rap music, eat fried chicken and watermelon, and–when they’re not passed out on the street–drive Cadillacs.”

“Jeez Senator Santorum…it sure sounds like you’re just regurgitating the most popular and discredited white, racist stereotypes of black people.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I’m talking about bla.. people,” insisted Santorum.  ”It’s bla.. people who don’t need anymore handouts, money, food stamps, privileges, preferential treatment, quota placements, or anything else,” said Santorum.  “What they need is more sanctimonious pandering from fat-ass Christian pussies like me so that they can be manipulated into thinking I give a shit about their welfare when, in fact, I’m praying for their complete annihilation,” added Santorum in a rare moment of candor.

“And most of what I’ve said also applies to that other rapidly multiplying group that shares responsibility for the downfall of America,” said Santorum.

“Who would that be?” I asked.  “Surely you don’t mean hispanics.”

Hisp.... people making trouble

“Of course not,” said Santorum.  I was referring to “hisp…. people.”

→ 11 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged

Suddenly a Fun Candidate (The Unredacted Version that the Washington Post Refused to Publish)

Posted on January 5, 2012 by | 19 Comments

By 

Rick Santorum has become central because Iowa Republicans ignored an axiom that is as familiar as it is false: Democrats fall in love, and Republicans fall in line. Republicans, supposedly hierarchical, actually are — let us say the worst — human. They crave fun. Supporting Mitt Romney still seems to many like a duty, the responsible thing to do. Suddenly, supporting Santorum seems like a lark, partly because a week or so ago he could quit complaining about media neglect and start having fun, which is infectious.  Plus, Rick loves fucking other men up the ass and I can attest to that first hand because yours truly has been a recipient of Rick’s ass fucking on at least a dozen occasions and with any luck, many more in the future.
Santorum is not, however, a one-dimensional social conservative.  Nor is he a one-dimensional ass fucker.  I can tell you that Rick is just as adept at receiving as he is giving.   He was Senate floor manager of the most important domestic legislation since the 1960s, the 1996 welfare reform. This is intensely pertinent 15 years later, as the welfare state buckles beneath the weight of unsustainable entitlement programs: Welfare reform repealed a lifetime entitlement under Aid to Families with Dependent Children, a provision of the 1935 Social Security Act, and empowered states to experiment with new weaves of the safety net.White voters without college education — economically anxious and culturally conservative — were called “Reagan Democrats” when they were considered only seasonal Republicans because of Ronald Reagan. Today they are called the Republican base.  But more to the point, Rick is easily the best ass fuck I’ve ever had….even better than Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

Santorum candidly describes Larry Craig's ass as THIIIIS BIG !

Who is more apt to energize them: Santorum, who is from them, or Romney, who is desperately seeking enthusiasm? I can answer that:  Rick Santorum of course cause no one….and I mean NO ONE fucks a man’s ass as well as Santorum and I have the drilled ass to prove it.  Romney recently gave a speech with a theme worthy of a national election, contrasting a “merit-based” or “opportunity” society with Barack Obama’s promotion of an “entitlement society,” which Romney termed “a fundamental corruption of the American spirit.”  And Rick Santorum recently fucked his 251st man ass which is a milestone for anyone much less a beltway insider.  Which is probably why us guys have dubbed Rick as the “INSIDER’S insider,” if you catch my drift.  Santorum exemplifies a conservative aspiration born about the time he was born in 1958.  A mere 18 years later, as a college freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, Rick earned his stripes railing against “queers” while simultaneously taking part in as much male butt sex as humanly possibly in his all-male dormitory.  I, myself, had long left the college scene otherwise I would have been knee deep (and permanently ON my knees) with Rick and the rest of em.

Santorum as a butt-boy frosh at the U. of Pittsburgh in 1978. He railed against gays during daylight and took it up the dirt road at night

Even if Santorum is not nominated, he might galvanize a constituency that makes him a vice presidential choice. For Obama, getting to 270 electoral votes without Pennsylvania’s 20 is problematic. But so, just now, are Republican prospects of getting to 270 with their narrowing choice of candidates.  And if Rick Santorum IS nominated, he’ll be the first nominee who I can proudly say got his “in the end.”   Other the other hand, I can also proudly say that Rick got ME… “in the end.”

→ 19 Comments

Posted in Gay Sex is Beautiful...Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can't Get Enough of It

Tagged ,