Monthly Archives: December 2011

Kim Jong Il 1942-2011

America’s best friend and ally, North Korean “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il, died today  in his home country after suffering a heart attack.  Tragically, the heart attack occurred while he was playing Santa Claus and delivering toys to needy children–a Christmas tradition for Kim for the past 30 years. He was 69.

“He was doing what he always loved best….giving,” said Won LongDong, one of Kim’s closest aides.  ”So, I would say he died a happy man.”

North Korea has been in a state of hysterical mourning since Kim’s death was announced with literally hundreds of thousands of people sobbing openly in the streets. America’s reaction was almost as emotional as millions remember Kim as being not only the country’s Dear Friend, but one of the world’s greatest innovators and philanthropists.

Mourners in North Korea....

...and the U.S.

...and around the world

In the late 70′s Kim, named by his father after Hollywood movie star, Kim Novak, worked closely with Bill Gates to create Microsoft and turn it into the world phenomenon that it is today.  However, instead of taking his share of the profits, Kim donated all of his millions to aid the mentally disabled.

Just one of the countless mentally-challenged persons assisted by Kim's Microsoft millions.

“I always tried to talk him into taking some of his money,” said Gates. “But Kim was Kim….and he just refused always saying the same thing: ‘My life is rich enough….other people could use this money.’  There is no denying that it was Kim’s generous heart that inspired me to set up the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.  Without Kim it never would have happened.”

“I’ll never forget Kim,” said House Speaker, John Boehner.  ”We spent many an evening together on Capitol Hill during his visits worrying about the effects of domination systems over the lives of disempowered people.  Kim was a beacon of moral courage who will inspire me for the rest of my days.  Of course Kim and I also butt-fucked as much as humanly possible,” Boehner added.  ”That was the key reason I spent so much time with him.”

Kim is presented with the largest cucumber in history at North Korea's national nuclear cucumber factory for the poor

Kim, founder of Habitat for Humanity, The Peace Corp, and Asia’s version of The Salvation Army, was also known as Asia’s energy czar by virtue of his energy conservation policies.

Lights out in North Korea

“Kim always believed in setting an example for the rest of the world by saving electricity,” said LongDong.

Waste not want not. Everyone in North Korea was a conscientious follower of Dear Leader's energy conservation measures

But perhaps the person who will most remember Kim is basketball great, Michael Jordan, who remembers Kim as not only his best friend, but a great teammate during their years together with the Chicago Bulls.

“Most people don’t realize how important a role he played during our championship years,” said Jordan.  ”He may not have played much, but when he was in there he was a leader.   And he was a leader off the court as well,” added Jordan.  ”Why I remember him leaving a game early to attend to the needy in an impoverished area in southside Chicago,” said Jordan choking up.  ”There was no one like him.”

Jordan puts it in the hoop for 2 off a pass from #31...Jong Il

Indeed….there was no one like him.  Goodbye Kim.

(Of very minor note:  Kim Jong Il was a delusional fuck who talked into an invisible cell phone which he claimed to have invented.  He boasted of being a phenomenal athlete, not only in the game of basketball but also golf in which he says he scored 35 under par the first time that he ever played.  During his years as North Korea’s leader, Kim was allegedly responsible for depriving more than 95 % of the country’s population with basic needs leading to widespread famine and starvation of millions.  Between 1995 and 1997 more than a million people, mostly women and children, starved to death. Kim also allegedly imprisoned more than a quarter million people in Soviet-style gulags.)