Monthly Archives: November 2011

Cain to Quit….Supreme Court Up Next

Republican Presidential candidate, former pizza baron, and serial sex fiend Herman Cain plans to quit the race for President as early as the end of this week, according to sources close to the Cain campaign.

Cain to quit. Next up: Supreme Court?

The one-time front runner for the nomination had no immediate comment to the report that he is to leave the campaign amid more charges that he has not been able to keep his pecker to himself.  Ginger White of Atlanta has most recently come forward claiming to have had a torrid love affair with Cain for more than 13 years.  Cain, of course, denies the affair allegation stating that he only vaguely  knows the woman from more than one thousand three hundred and sixty five separate, chance incidents where he accidentally happened to find himself in the same hotel room–often in the same bed as fate would have it–with Ms. White at various locations throughout the United States.

“It was nothing more than coincidental,” said Cain.

Ginger White of Atlanta and Gilligan's Island fame claims to have had a 13-year affair with Cain

Cain’s spokesperson says he will likely quit the campaign by this Friday and afterwards will put his career on hold until a Republican is elected as President at which time he is hopeful to be nominated to the Supreme Court  where he plans to sit along side of his closest friend and confidant, Clarence Thomas.

When asked how he expected to be nominated to the Supreme Court without being a lawyer, Cain belted out his old campaign standby ….

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫  TO DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM   ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Meanwhile, in the nation’s capitol,

Justice Thomas, sporting a new Tammy Wynette hairdo, says he's keeping a seat warm for Cain...where Justice Breyer is currently sitting.

….more details on this breaking story at 11

Newt Breaks Another Toilet Seat…..Sets Record

#15 for Newt....an all time record

A dubious record indeed….but a record is a record and now Republican Presidential candidate and current front runner, Newt Gingrich, is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having busted his 15th hotel toilet seat at a Red Roof Inn in Butt Licke, South Carolina where Gingrich and his 15th wife, Callista, were staying during a campaign stop.

Callista Gingrich reacts to her husband's record

“Broke the goddamn thing right in half,” said Pat Macrotch, hotel manager.  ”First time I’ve ever seen that happen….and god knows we get some heavy weights in and out of this hotel,” he added.

Gingrich re-creates the look he had on his face while pinching massive loaf

Gingrich was not hurt in the incident which reportedly happened when the Republican Presidential candidate and his wife were returning from dining at an all-you-can-eat establishment known as the Old Cuntry Buffet.  Gingrich told the hotel staff that when he returned he had to pinch a loaf  which a clean up crew claims was well over a foot long.

“It was one of the largest turds I’ve ever seen,” said hotel maintenance crew member, Harry A. Ness.  ”It was so big it never even made it down the toilet. The only one I’ve ever seen bigger was from my wife after she had an all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch after church at the same place that Mr. Gingrich and his wife ate, the Old Cuntry Buffet,” he said.  ”In fact, that’s pretty much the only place everybody in our town goes when they want a good meal.  If we’re just looking for something to eat we go to Hardees or KFC.  But when want a GOOD meal, we go to the Old Cuntry Buffet,” Ness added.

Red Roof Inn maintenance crew member, Harry A. Ness, demonstrates for the media how things went down with Gingrich

Manager Macrotch says the shape of Gingrich’s huge ass and his overall girth wreaked havoc on the toilet seat literally causing it to shatter under the suction and weight of Gingrich’s huge, fat, pasty, doughy, white buttocks.

Gingrich during happier times with 12th wife, Tonya Harding

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Macrotch repeated.  ”The Gingrich’s will not be welcome back to our establishment,” he added.

As for Gingrich himself, he refused to answer any questions regarding the size of the turd he produced choosing, instead, to blame the Old Cuntry Buffet for the toilet incident.

This picture of the Old Cuntry Buffet in Butt Licke, SC was taken before they changed their name from "Country" to "Cuntry"

“People who pay $5.99 for a meal should not be expected to cut portion size just so their turds will go down the toilet,” said Newt.  “The restaurant clearly needs to serve less fiber,” he concluded.

The History Behind Rick Perry’s “Brain Freeze”

By now, most everyone is aware of Texas Governor, and Republican candidate for President, Rick Perry’s “deer-in-the-headlights” freeze when it comes to answering tough questions….and even easy ones.

Perry experiencing another bout of "brain freeze" over the question posed to him by a smartass reporter, "Governor, can you tell us who is buried in Grant's tomb?"

Just last week, a Burger King crew member at a restaurant in Austin reports that Perry froze for more than 30 seconds when she asked him if he wanted to hold the pickles or hold the lettuce.

“I also told him that special orders don’t upset us that all we want is for him have it his way,” said Tiffany Jizzface of Austin.  ”The Governor just froze forever….or at least it seemed like forever,” said Jizzface.   “By the time he came out of it he just started rambling about doing away with the Energy Department. Whatever he was saying had nothing to do with that he ordered.”

Jizzface serves customer at health-consicous restaurant

SPB has learned that Perry underwent a frontal lobotomy in 1985.  The neurosurgeon who performed the operation said the lobotomy was performed in order to eliminate Perry’s tendency to start wildly and spontaneously whacking off in public.

Rick Perry undergoing lobotomy in 1985

“He couldn’t control himself,” said Austin neurosurgeon Phil McCracken.   “Gov.  Perry was whacking off like a wild orangutan,” he said.  ”So we went in and discovered Governor Perry essentially had brain components identical to that of an ape.  We cut that part out but we inadvertently cut out a part of Perry’s brain that allows him to think, which was extremely small anyway comparable to what you would find in, say, a large red ant.  As it turned out, Governor Perry’s ability to think was generally unaffected as evidenced by the many moronic decisions he made before the surgery.  But the removal of this portion of the brain had the unintended consequence of causing the “brain freeze” that millions of Americans have been witness to since the Governor threw his hat into the Presidential ring,” said Dr. McCracken.

After surgery, Perry grew his hair long in an effort to cover the area where half of his brain was removed

“Brain freeze” expert, Dr. Ivan Wackinoff, said brain freeze and other mental handicaps were serious risks posed by a lobotomy procedure whenever the patient had pre-existing mental retardation.  “Frankly, the governor is lucky he did not become a vegetable.”

"Brain Freeze" authority, Dr. Ivan Whackinoff

“It defies all odds that this gentleman has been able to put together coherent thoughts much less rise to the level of Governor in  a state such as Texas,” said Wackinoff.  ”On the other hand, one must consider the source of those who populate the state that elected Perry in the first place,” Wackinoff pointed out.

(Note:  Governor Perry’s last documented coherent thought was in 1968 as a Texas A & M cheerleader when he was heard shouting out “Sis Boom Bah!”)

Republicans Introduce Bill to Allow Sexual Harassment Back in the Workplace

Recent polls show more than 90 percent of Republican voters in America support more sexual harassment in the workplace.  Therefore, House Speaker, John Boehner, said today on This Week with Christiane Amanpour,  that he will put forth a bill proposed by Thaddeus McCotter (R – MI) that the American workplace began to work sexual harassment back into its system starting in 2013.

“We want to do this on a gradual basis….not all at once,” said Boehner.  ”But based on Republican voter support of Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, we think such a move is necessary and vital for the American workforce now and going forward in the future.”

Rep Boehner gets emotional with Christiane Amanpour on "This Week" as he reflects on the good old days when sexual harassment was an important part of the American workplace. "What we need more than anything right now in America are jobs and sexual harassment," said Boehner.

“But Mr. Speaker, what sort of sexual harassment are we talking about?” asked Amanpour.

“Well, I imagine all kinds to include innuendo, double entendre, ass and titty ogling…maybe some groping, etc,” said Boehner.  ”But you’d have to ask Rep McCotter who actually drafted this bill about its specifics.”

“And we just happen to have Rep Thaddeus McCotter, Republican Representative from Michigan, standing by now to comment.”

“Rep McCotter, first of all, why do you believe sexual harassment needs to be thrust back into the workplace?”

“Good morning Christiane.  Good morning Mr. Speaker. I think given our party’s overwhelming support for Herman Cain and his impressive record of alleged sexual harassment in the workplace we really need to be forward-thinking on this issue.  I do want to make clear that we’re really only talking about sexual harassment by men against women and not the other way around despite the fact that I, personally, would be thrilled to have a woman sexually harass me.  But let me make clear that we believe that powerful business executives like Herman Cain should be able to do as they see fit in the workplace and Republican voters overwhelmingly agree with me.”

Sexual Harassment Advocacy Bill author, Rep. McCotter, says his bill will only legalize sexual harassment by men against women...but says he personally wishes a woman would sexually harass him.

“Speaker Boehner?”

“Well,  I can assure you that every Republican in the House supports Rep. McCotter’s bill. I can also assure you that each of us, to include myself, have been dabbling in sexual harassment for many  years, albeit, in a more clandestine manner. So we look forward to turning this bill into law so we can put sexual harassment on the front lines of the workforce where it used to be and where it belongs once again.”

“Mr. Speaker, how do you believe such a bill will help Herman Cain, if at all?”

"That's it baby.....oooh....ahhhh... AHHHHH.....right there baby...just like that.... ahhhh....AHHHHH!!!!! Godamn baby!! Goddamn! Ah say, let Herman be Herman !

“Well, as you’ve already seen, his previous workplace sexual harassment when he was President of the National Restaurant Association and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, had no effect on his poll numbers among Republicans and, in fact, has actually made them go up. Therefore, we think this bill will actually help to not only validate the actions of Mr. Cain, but validate the actions of all of us who have somehow been demonized and even ostracized for previous sexual harassment actions in not only the halls of Congress, but the American workplace in general. “

Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, reacts over the news of imminent passage of the "Freedom in the Workplace Advocacy" bill

McCotter’s bill, known as the “Freedom in the Workplace Advocacy Bill,” will be brought up for a vote this week.  It’s expected to pass the House overwhelmingly and then be brought up for a vote by the Senate where it’s also expected to pass because of 100 percent Republican support along with support by Independent Joe Lieberman of Connecticut and Democrat Ben Nelson of Nebraska.