Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain, denied charges today that he sexually harassed women when he was chairman of the National Restaurant Association in the 1990′s.
Four thousand four hundred and thirty-eight women have come forward saying that Cain sexually harassed them between 1991 and 1997 through explicit comments, ass grabbing, titty staring, and precarious placement of pubic hairs on various soda brands including 7-up and Pepsi, and the now defunct brand, Mr. Pibb.
“Their allegations are outright lies,” said Cain. “All four thousand four hundred and thirty-eight of these women are liars and pawns of the vast left-wing, liberal conspiracy.”
“All 4438, Mr. Cain!?!” I said incredulously. ”Frankly, sir, that seems rather implausible.”
“Look, all I can say is I never once said ‘hey baby cakes, is this a banana in my pocket or am I just happy to see you’ to a voluptuous, 26-year-old with a huge rack, a visible panty line, and ass cheeks as hard as the Rock of Gibraltar,” said Cain.
“Jeez, that’s pretty specific, Mr. Cain,” I noted. ”We reporters never even accused you of any specific sexual statements you might have made back in the 90′s, sir. What do you have to say about that?”
“Err…uhhhh. Well, I was just speculating on a hypothetical situation…a so-called simulation of a conversation that could have been said by a fictitious character you see?”
“Say, have I had a chance to tell you fellas about NINE….NINE…..NINE?!!!”
Results of an independent study of the National Restaurant Association show that between 1990 and 1997, the years that Cain was chairman of this organization, exactly 4439 women worked for the organization with 4438 of those accusing Cain of sexual advances, harassment, and nasty comments such as “Say, any of you young ladies know a good place where I can hide my pepperoni?”
So what about mystery woman number 4439? Our investigative research turned up the one woman Mr. Cain allegedly did NOT sexually harass ….93-year-old Hortense Crabapple, a former bookkeeper for the National Restaurant Association who retired in 1995 after 60 years with the organization.
“I do remember Mr. Cain checking out my butt once,” said Mrs. Crabapple who now resides in Mason City, Iowa. “I guess I must have been right around 76 at that time….but that wasn’t stopping old Herman the Molester.”
“Herman the Molester?” I asked
“Yes, that’s what we used to call old Herman,” she added. “And I imagine he would have had his pizza hands all over my 76-year-old boney ass too if I hadn’t hit him upside the head with the great big hole puncher that I still have to this day. Here it is right here if you’d like to see it,” said Mrs. Crabapple holding up a rusty, antique-looking three-hole puncher.
As for Cain, he said that he was unaware that all 4438 women received settlements from the National Restaurant Association to keep their mouths shut about his sexual improprieties and suggested that there was nothing irregular about all of them leaving the Association as part of a settlement.
“All of them….every last one of them was a liberal who couldn’t stand up to a good hard day’s work,” said Cain who said he already has a book in the works on the subject.
“I plan to call it, ‘I DID NOT Have Sex with Those 4438 Women,’” he said. ”Either that, or I’ll call it, ‘The High-Tech Lynching of a Great Black Man.’” Cain added that, as he does with everything else, he will consult with his mentor and close confidant, Clarence Thomas, on the best title for his book.