Chap 4: “Do me Mr. President…or let me do you“:
It was one month after 9-11. The President and I were sitting in the Oval Office alone. He had been drinking…and so had I. It was getting late but it was clear that neither of us were going anywhere that night.
“Dick, do you think I should have put down that book, My Pet Goat, quicker and done something that day?”
“Mr. President, there’s no point in rehashing your cowardly behavior. Just let it go,” I counseled the President like a father to a son.
“Dick, I just feel like a chickenhawk.”
“Well, that’s because you are a chickenhawk, Mr. President,” I consoled him. “And so am I…and proud of it. And you should be proud of it too Mr. President. There are many more important things in life than having character and integrity.”
“Dick, I know I’ve been drinking….but I’d like you to fuck me up the ass.”
“Mr. President, I’m not sure how dignified that would be….but if it would make you feel better, sure….I’ll be a loyal Vice-President and do my duty. Just so long as you remember who was on top and who’s doing the fucking.”
“Sure Dick….you’re in charge. Now, giddy up.”
“Uhhhhhhhh….uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..ah hummina hummina hummina….”
Chap 6: “Making command decisions…like, should I fuck Lynne or just whack off?”:
Lynne is a skank. That much is clear. She’s always been a skank and always WILL be a skank. I hate her face, her personality, and the way she dresses….but I mostly hate her voice. It is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Oh how often I want to kill her….or have her killed. I wonder if I could get someone from that fucked up CIA organization to do it for me? I wonder if I could get away with it? Probably not. The CIA would probably just fuck that up too and it would come back on me. It looks like I may have to take matters into my own hands. But how?
Tonight is our annual sex night. I can’t stand the thought of it. I’d rather eat a plate of bull dung. I would just prefer to beat off to my extensive file of Condi Rice pictures. That’s who I REALLY want to be with. I must come up with a way to get rid of Lynne and get away with it. Why can’t I get this done? I’ve been successful at everything else in running this country….why not this?
Chap 10: “Osama’s not so bad…neither is Hitler”:
So Osama is dead. Too bad. In hindsight, he wasn’t such a bad guy. A lot of people get bad raps in life many times unjustifiably. Look at Hitler. People forget that he really did a lot of good before he killed six million Jews. People tend to cast too many aspersions about other people and “broad brush” them over isolated mistakes. I think that’s unfair. I personally believe in second chances. Who knows what Osama Bin Laden could have been if people had given him a fair shake. I hope that the unforgiving American court of public opinion will be a little kinder to me. God knows I deserve it. After all, I have saved this country. I should get some credit for that.
Chap 13: “I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner….or had a wiener up my ass”:
One of the great perks, among many others, in being Vice President is there’s always someone available to poke you up the butt. Just the other night I was poking Mr. President up his rump when Karl Rove walked in on us completely out of the blue. Instead of being the whiny, miserable little fat cretin he usually was, for once Rove made himself useful and, at my command, poked ME up the ass while I was poking the President. Rove wasn’t so bad after all. Everyone has their virtues.
Chap 17: “Chickenhawk and proud of it”:
Our greatest Americans are people who have not served….and I would like to count myself as one of those great Americans who has not served. My proudest moments in my government service is when I was Secretary of Defense under the first Bush Administration and in charge of sending young men and women to war to die. I got a particular satisfaction out of knowing that I, myself, had not served. It made me feel like a king. I feel a certain sense of nobility knowing that I’ve been responsible for so much death and despair….and gotten away with all of it….every last move. And now I’m able to continue living like a king by raking in big bucks from suckers like you who buy this book. Ain’t life grand.