…starring: Colonel Rick Perry, Major Mitt Romney, Captain George W. Bush, Sgt. Newt Gingrich, Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Private Eric Cantor, and featuring Lieutenant Rick Santorum as the Christian coward….
It was the worst of times….a time of war when Christian life as Americans know it was threatened at its core…when the America we love and cherish hangs in the balance. And it is the eve of Col. Rick Perry’s greatest conquest: The taking of the Ant Hill and the ultimate annihilation of America’s greatest enemies: Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity….
It is a time of reckoning….
Scene I: Col Perry visits the front which is preparing its final attack upon the Ant Hill:
“At ease men. Capt. Bush, do you have a status report on the Ant Hill?”
“Sir, yes Sir! We currently have the last remnants of American Common Sense and Humanity pinned in. Our men are standing by, Sir, and prepared to attack and finish them off on your orders.”
“Good…very good Capt. Bush. Remember, if you should capture anyone, see to it that they are renditioned to Texas so they can be quickly lethally injected before any chance of intervention from the courts.”
“Yes SIR ! And if any of those captured are retards, Sir?”
“No chance of that Captain since the only retards left are on our side.
“Affirmative, Sir !!”
“You know Capt Bush….you and your men have the opportunity to bring great honor to God, flag, and country…”
“You’re a great leader Col. Perry,” complimented Col Perry’s trusty aide, Major Mitt Romney. “The capture of the Ant Hill will place your legacy alongside of that of Ronald Reagan. Samuel Johnson once said, ‘patriotism is the refuge of a scoundrel.’”
“Right you are Major Romney…a saying in which we may all take great pride.”
“Sir, are you ready to meet the men who are ready to give you your greatest victory?’
Soldiers of righteousness prepare to meet their leader
“Yes Capt. Bush. Hello there soldier. What’s your name?”
“Sir, Sgt Gingrich, SIR !”
“Are you ready to kill Common Sense soldier?”
“SIR YES SIR !!”
“And what’s your name soldier?”
“Sir, Private Cantor Sir!”
“Cantor, are you ready to kill Humanity?”
“Sir YES SIR ! HOOAH !!”
“Very good soldier. Men, tomorrow at first light you shall do battle with the true forces of evil…the forces that are trying to prevent your great way of life and your rights to have consistently low prices at Wal-Mart, marriage between a man and a woman, prayer and exclusive teachings of intelligent design in your children’s schools, belief in only one God….your God…the God under the banner of one heaven, and most of all…your rights to have no affordable health care!”
Col Perry takes aim at Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity
“SIR YES SIR !!! HOOAH!!!”
“And what’s your name soldier?”
“Lt. Santorum, Sir.”
“And are you ready to kill Knowledge soldier?”
“Well, I understand that Knowledge is pretty tough, Sir…that it won’t be easy to kill..”
“In America?!?! Are you crazy soldier?!?!?! Troops what do you think about such a statement?!?!
“But Sir….I’m just not sure Sir… if I’m ready to….”
“NOT READY!?! Lt. you sound like a coward. Why if you were from my state and you weren’t already an evangelical I’d have you lethally injected!”
“But Sir….I just can’t fight Knowledge.”
“Get out of my sight Santorum you pasty-white, fat-ass, pansy coward. What about you Gingrich? Do you think you and your men can rid our republic of the last remnants of Knowledge?”
“SIR YES SIR!!”
“You there soldier….what’s your name?”
“Corporal Marcus Bachmann, Sir.”
“Corporal Bachmann, I understand you have a special set of skills and great experience at infiltrating Common Sense and Humanity and getting deep inside the scourge known as same-sex marriage.”
“SIR YES SIR! I’ve been able to outflank and deeply penetrate the insides of same-sex marriage.”
“Then Corporal Bachmann….I will expect you to penetrate same-sex marriage to its bitter end with repeated deep thrusts.”
Corp. Bachmann....master of "deep infiltration" of same-sex marriage scourge
“Sir yes Sir! …with repeated deep, deep penetration with deep thrusts Sir, yes Sir.”
“Good luck men. May you go forth tomorrow in victory under the banner of heaven. Major Romney and I will be leading you in spirit from our chickenhawk headquarters. We wish you godspeed.”
…and so it was to be: America’s final conquest and its greatest victory to permanently rid our great nation of Common Sense, Knowledge, and Humanity was at hand. Live long and prosper oh great Christian nation.
The last remnants of Common Sense and Knowledge are ordered to be shot by Col Perry