In his new book, In My Time, the former Vice-President settles a number of scores with everyone from former Secretaries of State, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, to Bush Chief of Staff, Andrew Card. Cheney even settles a few with his former boss.
“George W. Bush is one of the biggest pussies to ever wear a pair of pants and you heard it here first. He wouldn’t know a pair of nuts if someone smacked him in the face with a burlap bag filled with pecans and cashews.”
“How do you expect President Bush to react when he reads your thoughts in your memoirs?” I asked Cheney.
“Oh he’ll be fine. He still does whatever I tell him to do. If I told him to shove his head up his ass he’d say when and for how long.”
Cheney was less kind to Secretary’s of State Rice and Powell.
“Rice was a terrible Secretary of State,” reveals Cheney. “She was also terrible in bed refusing to give in to my whims of having my ass whipped with leather straps.”
“As for Powell, I have no respect for blacks who are not totally subservient to whites,” Cheney said. “Powell was uppity….even during his tenure under the first President Bush. I would have liked a few more yassuh bosses from Powell…but he just refused.”
Cheney also revealed some aspects of his own life that few, if anyone, knew about until now.
“I like old reruns of Ozzie and Harriet. I enjoy a good game of poker with friends. I love women’s tennis. I’m a practicing pedophile. I really enjoyed shooting that rich guy in the face on that bird hunt a few years ago. And I collect mass murderer paraphernalia.”
“I have, probably, the most extensive collection of John Wayne Gacy odds and ends than anyone in the world and I’m proud of that,” said Cheney.
“You’re proud of your collection relating to one of America’s most infamous mass murderers who was responsible for raping and killing 33 teenage boys?” I asked Cheney incredulously.
“He was also a misunderstood man who was a scout leader and liked dressing up as a clown,” said Cheney.
“…and he was a Democrat,” I reminded Cheney.
“WHAT??!?!” Cheney screamed. “I fucking didn’t know that! All of this Gacy stuff goes into the trash effective immediately.”
As for his pedophilic tendencies, Cheney rationalized by saying he’s no different that 75 percent of his Republican contemporaries both active and retired.
“I learned a long time ago that people who live in glass houses should now throw stones,” waxed Cheney philosophically.
“In My Time” goes on sale this Friday at bookstores across the U.S. You’re advised to wash your hands thoroughly after each reading.