“Take the engines to warp speed Lt. Sulu….we MUST make it to the Debt Ceiling by 1600 hours earth time…otherwise Americans will run out of money and no longer be able to buy guns, crystal meth, or even cheap Wal-Mart shit-ware made in China. “
“Good God Jim….not Wal-Mart!!”
“Yes Wal-Mart, Bones. No stone will be left unturned…except for the wealthiest Americans of course…due to their privilege and their ability to make Americans believe they create jobs.
“Scotty…what’s the warp speed status?”
“Aye Cap’n…the ship’s flux capacitor is on its last legs…if we push her in warp speed till 1600 hours we may not make it. The flux capacitor power is already half-depleted. If we expect to make it to the Debt Ceiling we need higher taxes NOW Cap’n…HIGHER TAXES NOW!!….otherwise the old girl’s gonna blow!”
“Bones….what d’you think?”
“Goddamn Jim, I’m a doctor and a human…not a fucking Republican!!”
“What is it Lt. Jerkoff?”
“I’m receiving warning signals that we’re about to pass through the neutral zone of Dumbfuckistan where its inhabitants, the Republicans, are planning an attack to stop us from reaching the Debt Ceiling.”
“Okay…what do we know about their leader?”
“She’s worse than a Kling-On Captain….her name is Bachmann and she’s a ruthless, wide-eyed monster and a crazed evangelical married to a pasty, fat dough-boy named Marcus Homo-Erection who’s the leader of a death squad of gay evangelicals who are in charge of exterminating gays and non-evangelicals.”
“Get their leader Bachmann on the monitor”
“This is Captain James T. Kirk. Who are you?”
“I am Leader Michele Bachmann of the planet Dumbfuckistan. I order you to end your journey to the Debt Ceiling….otherwise you will be destroyed.”
“What is it that you want Leader Bachmann?”
“We of Dumbfuckistan want to destroy America and its ungodly ways of life. And after our conquest, we shall move in and turn America into another Dumbfuckistan full of nothing but rigid, white, Christian Evangelicals who are intolerant of all other ways of life but ours.”
“What Leader Bachmann plans is illogical Captain.”
“How’s that Spock?”
“America is ALREADY how Leader Bachmann envisions it to be. There is nothing to change. Therefore, her reasoning is illogical.”
“Can you conduct one of your special Vulcan mind melds on Bachmann in order to find out for sure?”
“DON’T GIVE ME THAT YOU POINTY-EARED FREAK!”
“Illogical, Capt., because one must have a brain in order for the Vulcan mind meld to work successfully. Those of Dumbfuckistan do not have minds to meld.”
“My apologizes, Spock, for that last comment.”
“Apologies are illogical Captain.”
“CAP’N !! We’ve raised taxes and the flux capacitor is now completely operational! It’s full speed ahead to the Debt Ceiling!”
“We shall destroy you if you pass through Dumbfuckistan’s neutral zone Captain Kirk.”
“What do I do Captain?”
“Full speed ahead Lt. Sulu.”
As the Starship Enterprise crew ventures into its most dangerous voyage yet, many questions remain:
Will they make it to the Debt Ceiling?
Will they save America?
Is America worth saving? (probably not)
Will Marcus Homo-Erection finally get his pasty, white rump poked by the man of his dreams, Mitch McConnell?
Join us next episode to find out.