by gordita, SPB correspondent on nitwits, nutjobs and outright lunatics
Joan leading whoever...against whoever...at the Battle of...Whatever
Everybody has heard the question, “If you could sit down to dinner with one person from history who would it be?” When Sarah Palin was asked the question several years ago by the Editor of Southpaw Beagle, she said, “Oh! You know that girl who lived a long time ago, who dressed like a boy in armor and rode on a white horse and stuff?” “Joan of Arc?” asked the Editor. “That’s the one!” exclaimed Sarah and so started the repast that turned Sarah into the enterprising champion for conservatism we know and love…or hate…or love to hate.
The dinner started out awkwardly as it became clear that the nineteen-year-old Joan had a better grasp of history than Sarah. I (gordita) sat inconspicuously in the corner and listened.
“Ooooooooooooooh, Joanie!” squealed Palin. “Just seeing you on that horse with all your championing of the good things you fought for. It just makes me want to be a fighting woman…to charge forward to make a stand for freedom and all the other super-duper things this proud nation stands for.”
“Merci, Madame. You are very kind,” said Joan.
“Well, don’t ya know, you looked so pretty with that sword in your hand. All the men wanted to follow you while you fought that nasty French army. I mean the bravery in your heart that you showed for all the world to see…”
“Mais non, Madame. I did not fight against ze Français! I fought against ze Anglais!”
“Oh Joanie, don’t get all technical on me! The point is that you were persecuted over and over and over by the French but you got back on your horse and you never said die!”
“Mais non, Madame! Ze Français did not persecute me!”
“None of that matters in the twenty-first century, Joanie. What matters is that here you were this little girl and men were so in love with your spunky can-do attitude, you didn’t have to do anything in that war against the French except show up and lead!”
“Mais non! Non! Non! Non!”
“Tell me how you did it, Joanie. Did you wink at them? Is that what made those ornery men want to give it their all when you led the charge?”
“Oh là là. I cannot believe zis is really happening.”
“And I’ll bet you gave ‘em kisses too, didn’t you Joanie? That will always get a man to do what ya ask him.”
“Mais, bien sûr! Of course I gave kisses! Right cheek, zen left cheek, zen right cheek again.”
“Ha! I thought so!”
“Madame, would you not like to ask me about ze battles? Whezer I was a strategist or merely a standard bearer? Would you like to know what it was like being railroaded and burned at ze stake?”
“YOU WERE BURNED AT THE STAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh my gosh!!!!!! I can’t believe it!!!! Those French liberals are monsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to tear my hair out! I am Française! I fought against ze Anglais!!!!!!! It was ze Anglais who lit me on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Editor enters room)
“PSSSSST, gordita, we have a problem. This story is going nowhere. It has no traction.”
“I was thinking we could spin it into a story about a nitwit who constructs a narrative of self-aggrandizing female heroism and martyrdom based on a corruption of the Joan of Arc legend.”
You go, girl!
“It isn’t working,” said the Editor ruefully.
“What do you suggest?” I asked.
“Squirrel Tooth Alice.”
“Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! Who is Squirrel Tooth Alice?”
“An iconic figure of the Wild Wild West who hooked her way through countless cow towns and then became a madame in a Texas bordello. Her husband was a grifter. All her sons grew up to be criminals. She pimped out her daughters. She was a self-made American woman driven by pure moxy with much more in common with most Americans than a medieval mystical French maiden.”
“Sounds intriguing,” I said.
“Let me see if I can get her here.”
(((Editor picks up the phone and dials. RING RING)))
“Howdy, Squirrel Tooth Alice speaking.”
“Alice, this is the Editor at Southpaw Beagle. I was wondering if you would be willing to have dinner with an ambitious Alaskan named Sarah Palin who is looking for a historical mentor.”
“Is Southpaw Beagle willing to pay?”
“Sure, Alice, send me a bill for whatever your going rate is.”
“Nuh uh. Cash up front, in advance of all services.”
“Fine. Can you come over right now?”
“You betcha. Be there in a jiffy.”
And that, my dear readers, is the story behind the historic dinner that turned the little-known Sarah Palin into the multimillionaire martyr-tart superstar that she is today. It is the honest-to-goodness truth and I am standing by it.
Finally...a story with legs
EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to Claude Remains for calling to our attention The Guardian article about Palin commissioning a documentary of her life and drawing a parallel between herself and the martyred Joan of Arc. The film title, obviously inspired by Squirrel Tooth Alice and not Joan of Arc, is Undefeated.
I’m not sure why, but that Sarah-as-Joan-of-Arc poster makes me want to sing “Sarah Palin über alles…”
:wave: Hey Bass!
Missed you
ROFL – hats off to you, gordita!!
Thanks, Montana. Your praise is much appreciated.
Dinner with Sarah Palin
Taco Bell Crisp Wraps served on camo Chinet, eaten with monogrammed sporks
Topped off with a gourmet dessert – a Dilly Bar from DQ.
Funny stuff, two thumbs up! I thought the payoff was gonna be that Squirrel Tooth wouldn’t lower herself to have dinner with La Palin!
Thanks. Your ending would have been funnier than mine
Too, too funny.
Very funny. On a more serious note, I would love to see Sister Sarah burned at the stake. Okay, that was mean, I’m sorry.
(~};)
Completely O/T, but how do you go about being reinstated at hp after being banned from commenting? I’m not sure if I was banned because I commented that jason linkus carried water for palin or if it was because I agreed with someone that commented that arianna had a girl crush on palin…could be bad enough to be banned forever, huh?
Having been banned a number times (and reinstated twice) from HP, I may speak from experience my friend. I think if you write one of the moderators and lay out your case, being as sincere and as contrite as possible (groveling won’t hurt
), you may have a shot at reinstatement….especially if you don’t have a track record of having comments erased or being banned. So, if you’ve been on your best behavior in the past and ask, nicely, to be reinstated, I’d say you have a shot. And personally I don’t think you were banned for any specific comment about anyone or anything. It’s usually a cumulative thing….and banning always seems very arbitrary from HP. Good luck
Thank you so much for your reply SPB! Do you recommend I email a mod? Do you have an email address of a mod that I might perhaps throw myself upon their mercy? I hadn’t been banned before and recall only one comment that a mod erased. I’m just so frustrated and non-existent moderation on threads regarding our president and the complete lock down on threads about, palin, cheney or rush…
I no longer have contacts w/ any of the moderators my friend. Rob and Jolene, and one other whose name I cannot remember, were the ones I dealt w/in the past. I don’t even know if they’re around since I rarely visit HP anymore. The co-owner of this site, K.J., may be able to help you more since she often intervened w/ the moderators on my behalf after my “infractions”. Otherwise, I would just to to:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/contact/
and then scroll down to “Community issues” and then click on “contact us” and fill in the appropriate spaces and submit. Hopefully someone will read it and give you some consideration.
Have you considered just creating a new username and starting over again?
Good luck
Once again thank you for your advise. I have considered starting over and I’ve also considered that perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise! The difference between when I first started at hp and now is heart breaking to me….Perhaps I’ll remain content going to smaller sites that hold “real” convictions opposed to the “make more money” angle hp demonstrates and consequently angering folks like me!
Swing on by Free Range sometime and say Hi! (click on my name). We’re small! LOL.
HPee has really changed over the years – and esp. when they merged with AOL. I still travel over there, but a lot of good people have left – fed up with the trolls and management’s political spin.
She won’t be having dinner with Margaret Thatcher. this is AB FAB
UNWORTHY OF AN AUDIENCE!
See what I mean? Never a dull moment!
Indeed! The media sure has given SP a very long 15 minutes of fame, huh. I wonder if they’ll ever stop covering her.
ROFLMFAO. That’s priceless. Didn’t SP want to meet Maggie earlier? I seem to remember something about that. What a whore.
Did y’all see Stephen Colbert’s rendition of the Paul Revere Ride? Also included is the footage from Sarah”s “interview” on Faux. (that part is just stunningly stupid).
LOL!!!! Try as she might, gordita cannot even come close to imitating the actual nonsense that comes out of Palin’s mouth.
Isn’t it truly awful?? I can’t remember her ever being that incoherent – and that’s saying something.