Monthly Archives: June 2011

Family Values Feud !!!

Posted on June 26, 2011 by | 13 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!

Family Values Feud, where  one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!

Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!

Pope "Ben" Benedict

“HI LADIES AND GERMS!”

((hahahahahahahahaahahahaha))!!!!

“Are you ready to play  Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”

((YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA))!!!

“…THEN LET’S GO !!!  On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”

((WOO WOO WOO))) ((APPLAUSE))) !!

“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”

((Clap clap clap clap))!! ((yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa))!

“Are we ready? !  Then LET’S GO !!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!!  Which team is most Pro-Life?  We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category.  By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”

“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life

Pawlenty:  “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”

Perry:  “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it.  But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death.  Especially when an election is coming up.”

Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death

Romney:  ”I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am.  Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”

Pope Ben:  ”Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann!  Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Santorum:  ”I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life.  Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”

Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud

Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”

Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose

Pope Ben:  “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”

Gingrich:  “Ahh, well I’m that too.”

Bachmann:  ”Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”

Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”

“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2.  Our next Pro Life question is this:  Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”

“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”

Gingrich:  “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours.  And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”

Bachmann:  “What’s jerking off?”

Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life.  There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”

Pope Ben:  and Team Pawlenty?”

Perry:  “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”

Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked,  young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”

Romney:  Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”

Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”

“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner.  At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages.  Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are.  The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud.  So….HERE WE GO!  Vanna, please take the measurements.”

Vanna:  “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”

((APPLAUSE APPLAUSE))!!!!

…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”

((BOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOO))!!

“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”

((CHEER))!!!!!

Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”

Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”

((BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO))!!!

“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”

((BOOOOOOO))!

Pope Ben:  “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”

((DRUM ROLL))!!

…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”

Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”

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Posted in Gay Sex is Beautiful...Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can't Get Enough of It, Religion Crucified, Republicans Are Ratfucks

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Coming Soon: How Much I Hate Michele Bachmann (and What I Wish to Happen to Her in all of its Gory Glory)

Posted on June 21, 2011 by | 11 Comments

Here’s a taste:

I hate her so much that if she were inserted feet first in a large food processor, I would turn the switch to “puree” instead of turning it off…

….much more to come, so stay tuned….

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her

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Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

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Michele Bachmann to be Featured in Porn Magazine Layout

Posted on June 15, 2011 by | 22 Comments

You'll soon be able to see her like you've never seen her before

In an effort to capitalize on her sterling performance in the recent Republican debates, which polls had her winning by a 2-1 margin over Mitt Romney, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann will pose for the September edition of Hustler Magazine.

Rep Bachmann will grace the cover of this famous mag come September....along with a special friend

The announcement was made today by the founder of Hustler, smut king Larry Flynt,  who claims to have wanted to see Bachmann naked for years and hopes her September layout will boost sales of the explicit, hardcore mag which have been in decline for years.

Hustler founder, Larry Flynt, hands out free copies of his magazine to adoring fans after leaving the White House where he was recently awarded the Medal of Freedom for lifetime achievement to the arts

There’s something incredibly sexy about seeing a fascist naked and doing lewd things,” Flynt said of Bachmann.  “It’d be like seeing Eva Braun getting fucked by a donkey.  One of my greatest regrets is the world not having had an opportunity to see that.”

Getting down with a donkey a big step up for Ms. Braun

“We think Hustler is the best way for Michele to get her views and much more out to the people,” said I. Ben Yackinoff, Bachmann’s publicist.

Bachmann and her publicist, I. Ben Yackinoff, yuk it up after announcing that she will be featured in the September edition of Hustler magazine

“We first approached ‘Barely Legal’ about getting Michele a spread in that magazine given that its readership is primarily 50 to 85-year-old men which is one of our toughest demographics.  But one of the magazine’s editors reminded us that Michele is hardly barely legal,” Yackinoff added.

“We also reached out to MILF Magazine which stands  for ‘Mothers I’d Like to Fuck,’” added Yackinoff.  “But we took a straw poll in Minnesota and it turns out that Michele ranked near the bottom of mothers men would like to fuck.  We were about to give up but then Hustler called us…just completely out of the blue.”

It so happens that Flynt, who has a well-earned reputation of being into perverse sex, actually finds Michele erotic.   Flynt told Southpaw that half of Hustler’s subscribers have extremely perverse tastes and, in a recent Hustler survey, indicated that they would likely find a layout of Michele in various sex acts with an Orangutan  extremely sexy.

….but not just ANY Orangutan….

"Rufus" will soon get the the job done w/ Michele Bachmann. And it sure beats whackin' off which is what he spends 90 % of his existence doing

On average, Orangutans have about a 3-inch schlong.  But then there’s Rufus, the Orangutan.  This freak of nature supposedly has like an eight-incher and is one horny primate.

Bachmann demonstrates her tolerance level. Boy will SHE be in for a surprise

“We expect the two of them to go to town,” Flynt said. “Can you imagine the possibilities?  A big-dick Orangutan mixing it up with a dried up, gaped-tooth skank like Bachmann.  She couldn’t BUY better publicity for her Presidential campaign.”

“And that’s precisely what we want in order to keep this publicity train rolling in our effort to thrust Representative Bachmann into the White House,” said Yackinoff.

As for Michele Bachmann, she welcomes the opportunity to get her message out to the American people….even if it comes with the hitch of having to get buck naked and get down on all fours with an Orangutan giving her “what’s fer.”

“It’s a privilege meeting the American people in whatever format that might be,” said Bachmann.  “I look forward to meeting Rufus,” she added seemingly not completely aware of what she’s in for come Hustler performance time.

As for Rufus, the big-dick Orangutan, he had no comment  other than to pick at a flea with his left paw while whacking off with the right.

Rufus as a carefree, young stud

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Posted in Fuck me!!, Republicans Are Ratfucks

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Libyan Dictator Muammar Gaddafi Will Resign, Under One Condition…..

Posted on June 11, 2011 by | 35 Comments

Muammar  Gaddafi told the Associated Press today that he’s ready to finally give up power….but only if Newt Gingrich will give up his wife, Callista Gingrich, to the  dictator.

Turns out, Callista is WILD about Mo

“Jesus I’d like to fuck her,” said Gaddafi to the Associated Press reporter, “more than just about any woman I’ve ever seen.”

"Mo" Gaddafi ready to get jiggy with Callista Gingrich

“He jacks off to pictures of her at least a half dozen times a day,” said his personal advisor, Ali be Jackinoff.  “In fact, I’ve walked in on him a couple of times.  It’s not a pleasant sight.”

“If Gingrich gives up his piece of ass, I’ll blow this fucking desert tomorrow,” Gaddafi added.  “This chick looks like she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.  And I can tell you I spend most of my time dreaming about her planting those lips around my desert snake….which is probably a big reason why we’re losing to the insurgency.”

Newt is less and less the focus of Callista's affections

When notified of Gaddafi’s demands, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said today she’s pleased that there seems to be progress in getting the Libyan leader out of power. 

“As to whether Newt gives up his wife will be up to him,” she said.  “Why in the world would a great looking, platinum blond bombshell want a pasty white, fat-ass goober like Newt to begin with when she can have a hunk of Arab man love like Muammar.  If the fuckhead I’m married to weren’t so dependent on me I’d be in Muammar’s tent myself by sundown.”

As for Callista Gingrich, she initially claimed to have been repulsed by the notion of sucking Muammar Gaddafi’s dick. However, the southern belle with modern-day Jayne Mansfield looks said that upon reconsideration she could not help but be intrigued by such a prospect.

“If you’ll forgive me, he’s rough… He’s like an animal,” said Mrs. Gingrich. “He has an animal’s habits. There’s even something subhuman about him. Thousands of years have passed him right by, and there he is.  Muammar, survivor of the Stone Age, bearing the raw meat home from the kill in the jungle. Ah have to admit….ah have spent many a night of late dreaming of being in the arms of such a beast.”

When told of what she said about him, Gaddafi was delighted and said he can’t wait to do the horizontal bop with Mrs. Gingrich on his best air mattress in his best tent.  “I guarantee you, once this chick gets a look at my python, she’ll never go back to that draft-dodging pussy pile of shit husband of hers.”

Mo Gaddafi ready for the Big Bang with Callista

Meantime, Callista Gingrich’s husband was too busy running his 2012 Presidential campaign into the ground to comment.  However, he was later overhead saying that he always thought if his wife left him for a middle eastern dictator it would be Hosni Mubarak.

Hosni rolls his eyes over the prospect of sleeping with Callista Gingrich. "I'd sleep with Newt first," he commented cynically.

Callista Gingrich was clear, however, that Gaddafi was the horse she wanted to ride.  In fact, she had a message for Gaddafi that she asked the State Department to deliver on her behalf:

Dear Suh,

Ah have always been a softie for a hard-bodied man in uniform.  Please don’t keep me waiting.  AH WANT YOU.  (((MOAN))))  NOW BABY.  DO ME NOW, BABY.  DEAR GAWD, AH HAVE TO HAVE YOU!!!!

Sincerely yours,
Callista

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Posted in Fuck me!!

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Excrement of the Month (2011 06): Americans

Posted on June 6, 2011 by | 25 Comments

I was shopping the other day when some morbidly obese woman passed by running her mouth on a cell phone.  I overheard her say how “blessed” she was and how life is just a “blessing” and how we’re so “blessed” in our lives, etc.  It was then I realized, “I gotta get the fuck out of here.”  Not just the store….but this  planet.    I also realized just what excrement Americans are and how much I hate us.

And then I  woke up this morning, like I do most mornings, wondering how did I manage to be born into a nation of such overt stupidity and ignorance.  How did this happen?  I’m sure some of you wonder the same thing.  How come I wasn’t born in Niger….or Switzerland,  or born on Venus, or Saturn?   How was I born into a nation of people, 50 % (or higher) of who believe 9-11 was perpetrated by Saddam, 75 % of who believe in Noah’s Ark, 92 percent who believe in the myth of the man in the sky?

How can I be the same nationality of a population that comes up with such sayings as:

“I want my country back”

“Support our troops”

“Praise Jesus” and/or  “Have a blessed Day”

“I’d rather fight them over there than fight them here”

“Where’s his birth certificate?”

…and say them over, and over, and over, and over again, ad nauseam, until they actually become part of the American vernacular.

And  contrary to what you believe, or what it might have been like in the past, it’s not just a few people saying, thinking, or believing such aforementioned things. It’s many, many people.  Just look around you on at any given time on any given day.  These people are all around you.  They’re everywhere.  They outnumber us now by the millions (“us” being the obvious minority of people who don’t say and believe such aforementioned things). They’re everywhere….on every street corner, at every stop light, in every waiting room of every doctor’s office, at every DMV, in every supermarket, in every video store, at every football game, in every convenience store, in every library, on every bus, in every work place….everywhere…. saying nonsense, thinking nonsense, doing nonsensical things.

How was  I born into a culture that self medicates more than all other nations combined, that sequesters itself into isolation with its only relationships coming via the “no-touch” approach of social networking cyberspace.

All we do successfully (I didn’t say “good”) is Wal-Mart, Disney World, the exporting of death in the form of cigarettes to China and Russia and weapons to Ciudad de Juarez, making shitty movies that still make mega millions because Americans have no taste and no class, peddling jingoism and phony religion to more and more stupid people,  executing people, and making commercials about medicine that makes your dick hard. We don’t even do war good anymore.

We are saturated with substance abuse, personality disorders, self-inflicted abuse and loneliness, self-loathing, and tattoos.  We no longer do education (it’s irreparably broken at the K-12 level and unaffordable at the higher education level).

We are cruel, bullying, mean-spirited, intolerant, ugly, morbidly obese, hateful, bitter, vengeful,  sickeningly and blindly patriotic, hypocritical, piggish, vindictive, chickenhawks with no soul, no originality, no character, no humor beyond the banal and unfunny, no thoughtfulness, and no hope.  We want no human contact preferring, instead, to text every thought that emanates from our empty minds. But most of all, more than any single thing, we are malevolent beings wishing nasty and evil things on others, every single day, so that we may live off the misery of others and live vicariously through our demented glee.

We help others in need after they’re ravaged by tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc., and help the homeless, hungry, and needy.  Why?  Because of Jesus. That’s the only reason. If it weren’t for Jesus, the poor, the hungry, the disadvantaged, and the beaten would just be fucked.  If you don’t pray or know the name of your church or tell people to “have a blessed day” or give syrupy, phony, insincere hugs to other fat, obese people just like yourself,  you can forget getting any help if you’ve been fucked over by a hurricane or a tornado or whatever.

Btw…..92 % of us believe in God.  That is, was, and will always be incomprehensible to me.  92 % of us believe in a senseless myth of the big man on high and allow ourselves to be guided by such.   That must mean the eight % of us who don’t are the ones who commit all crimes, to include rape, genocide, and pedophilia, wage war on others, and break every one of the commandments on a daily basis.

So long as I’m part of that nasty eight %, then it’s okay for me to say I hate us.  We are excrement all the time but most certainly this month.

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Posted in Excrement of the Month

Sarah Palin Goes to Dinner

Posted on June 4, 2011 by | 25 Comments

by gordita, SPB correspondent on nitwits, nutjobs and outright lunatics

Joan leading whoever...against whoever...at the Battle of...Whatever

Everybody has heard the question, “If you could sit down to dinner with one person from history who would it be?”  When Sarah Palin was asked the question several years ago by the Editor of Southpaw Beagle, she said, “Oh!  You know that girl who lived a long time ago, who dressed like a boy in armor and rode on a white horse and stuff?”  “Joan of Arc?” asked the Editor.  “That’s the one!” exclaimed Sarah and so started the repast that turned Sarah into the enterprising champion for conservatism we know and love…or hate…or love to hate.

The dinner started out awkwardly as it  became clear that the nineteen-year-old Joan had a better grasp of history than Sarah.  I (gordita) sat inconspicuously in the corner and listened.

“Ooooooooooooooh, Joanie!” squealed Palin.  “Just seeing you on that horse with all your championing of the good things you fought for.  It just makes me want to be a fighting woman…to charge forward to make a stand for freedom and all the other super-duper things this proud nation stands for.”

“Merci, Madame.  You are very kind,” said Joan.

“Well, don’t ya know, you looked so pretty with that sword in your hand.  All the men wanted to follow you while you fought that nasty French army.  I mean the bravery in your heart that you showed for all the world to see…”

“Mais non, Madame.  I did not fight against ze Français!  I fought against ze Anglais!”

“Oh Joanie, don’t get all technical on me!  The point is that you were persecuted over and over and over by the French but you got back on your horse and you never said die!”

“Mais non, Madame!  Ze Français did not persecute me!”

“None of that matters in the twenty-first century, Joanie.  What matters is that here you were this little girl and men were so in love with your spunky  can-do attitude, you didn’t have to do anything in that war against the French except show up and lead!”

“Mais non! Non! Non! Non!”

“Tell me how you did it, Joanie.  Did you wink at them?  Is that what made those ornery men want to give it their all when you led the charge?”

“Oh là là.  I cannot believe zis is really happening.”

“And I’ll bet you gave ‘em kisses too, didn’t you Joanie?  That will always get a man to do what ya ask him.”

“Mais, bien sûr!  Of course I gave kisses!  Right cheek, zen left cheek, zen right cheek again.”

“Ha!  I thought so!”

“Madame, would you not like to ask me about ze battles?  Whezer I was a strategist or merely a standard bearer?  Would you like to know what it was like being railroaded and burned at ze stake?”

“YOU WERE BURNED AT THE STAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Oh my gosh!!!!!!   I can’t believe it!!!!  Those French liberals are monsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to tear my hair out!  I am Française!  I fought against ze Anglais!!!!!!!  It was ze Anglais who lit me on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Editor enters room)

“PSSSSST, gordita, we have a problem.  This story is going nowhere.  It has no traction.”

“I was thinking we could spin it into a story about a nitwit who constructs a narrative of self-aggrandizing female heroism and martyrdom based on a corruption of the Joan of Arc legend.”

You go, girl!

“It isn’t working,” said the Editor ruefully.

“What do you suggest?” I asked.

“Squirrel Tooth Alice.”

“Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?!  Who is Squirrel Tooth Alice?”

“An iconic figure of the Wild Wild West who hooked her way through countless cow towns and then became a madame in a Texas bordello.  Her husband was a grifter.  All her sons grew up to be criminals.  She pimped out her daughters.  She was a self-made American woman driven by pure moxy with much more in common with most Americans than a medieval mystical French maiden.”

“Sounds intriguing,” I said.

“Let me see if I can get her here.”

(((Editor picks up the phone and dials.  RING RING)))

“Howdy, Squirrel Tooth Alice speaking.”

“Alice, this is the Editor at Southpaw Beagle.  I was wondering if you would be willing to have dinner with an ambitious Alaskan named Sarah Palin who is looking for a historical mentor.”

“Is Southpaw Beagle willing to pay?”

“Sure, Alice, send me a bill for whatever your going rate is.”

“Nuh uh.  Cash up front, in advance of all services.”

“Fine.  Can you come over right now?”

“You betcha.  Be there in a jiffy.”

And that, my dear readers, is the story behind the historic dinner that turned the little-known Sarah Palin into the multimillionaire martyr-tart superstar that she is today.  It is the honest-to-goodness truth and I am standing by it.

Finally...a story with legs

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Thanks to Claude Remains for calling to our attention The Guardian article about Palin commissioning a documentary of her life and drawing a parallel between herself and the martyred Joan of Arc.  The film title, obviously inspired by Squirrel Tooth Alice and not Joan of Arc, is Undefeated.

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Posted in Nailin' Palin

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