Tim LaHaye will no longer feel “Left Behind” and will spend more time physically “behind” long-time writing mate and lover, Jerry Jenkins, than ever as the two finally announced their engagement and a wedding scheduled for sometime this summer.
“I’m as happy as I’ve ever been,” said Jerry. “Tim finally popped the question in bed last week and now I’m just thrilled that we’ll no longer be poking each other in sin.”
The two dried-up and grizzled, repressed homosexuals have authored the most fucked-up series in history known as “Left Behind.” The authors have sold 63 million copies to mostly scared-shitless Christians and Evangelical dumb shits, the majority of whom reside in the U.S., with a majority of those situated in the South. This Christian readership has made LaHaye and Jenkins a couple of rich motherfuckers which, in turn, has allowed them to freely indulge in side businesses like their child-porn industry in Thailand and the ice cream business that they recently purchased.
“We’ll call it Tim and Jerry’s,” said LaHaye proudly announcing the ice cream business that he and Jerry will start once they’re married. “We’re filthy rich and need a decadent way to enjoy our twilight years. What better way than to open a chain of ice cream stores using the millions we made off the hayseeds, crazies, and delusional dumb shits who continued to relentlessly shell out dollars to buy the bullshit books we spun out as fast as we could get them out. My god we scared a lot of Christians,” laughed LaHaye.
“I agree with Tim,” chuckled Jerry. “He always told me, ‘It’s always better to give than to receive’…although I can attest that Tim loves receiving just as much as he loves giving..hahahaha,” laughed Jenkins.
“And in the spirit of giving back,” said LaHaye, “we’ll start Tim and Jerry’s with the roll out date a month or so after we get hitched. We’ll start with all the conventional flavors but plan on including a bunch of specialty-type, gourmet ice creams that will be marketed specifically for god-fearing homo lovers who believe in the apocalypse. Flavors will include, “Resurrection Rum and Raisin,” “Joy-Juicy Fruit,” “Hersey’s Chocolate Road to Redemption,” “Heavenly Fire and Brimstone,” “Fudge-Packing Delight,” and “Hard-As-A-Rocky Road.”
“My personal favorite is “Dick on a Stick,” said Jerry. “Timmy and I were licking on it last night and it tastes like strawberry with a hint of tutti-fruti.”