Monthly Archives: May 2011

Sarah Palin Discovers Her Real Father: John Wayne Gacy

Posted on May 31, 2011 by | 14 Comments

After years of exhaustive searching, Sarah Palin was stunned to find out her real father is John Wayne Gacy, a former businessman, part-time clown, member of the Jaycees, a serial killer, and a Democrat.

“Jesus oh Jesus oh God oh Lord oh my Lord !!! How could he?!?!?! I’ve never been so mortified in all my life!” Sarah screamed upon finding out the truth about her father being a member of this heinous political party.

Gacy at Sarah's 4th birthday party

Before his arrest and execution in 1994 for brutally killing 33 boys, Gacy was well-respected among his peers.  He served as vice-president for the Waterloo, Iowa Jaycees.  His neighbors in Norwood Park Township, where he buried most of his victims in the crawl space underneath his home,  considered him likable and affable.

John Gacy and first wife Roslyn

“Yep, John was always in the thick of everything it seems,” reflected Fred Ziffel, long time member of the Waterloo Jaycees.  “It’s pretty tragic the way things turned out.  I really believe John died the day he became a Democrat.”

Long-time Waterloo Jaycee, Fred Ziffel

Gacy gave Sarah up for adoption after divorcing his first wife whom he later killed and had for dinner.

Picture taken of John on the day Sarah was born

Sarah, whose maiden name is Gacy, has searched for years for her real father.  It wasn’t until the advent of the Internet and search engines like Google that she began to make any headway by typing in the name “Gacy.” She put two and two together while she was rummaging through a box of old trinkets one day that she discovered a small pin of a donkey with the names Carter/Mondale ’76 on it.  It was then that she knew the awful truth.

“I mean, I just don’t know what to say,” said an obviously traumatized Sarah.  “I can just tell you this….there is NO WAY I could have ever lived with a man like that.   I’m almost sorry I found out who my real father is because now I must live with this shame for the rest of my life….the shame of having a father….who’s a Democrat!”

“I guess I still love my father in some Fifth Commandment kind of way,” said Sarah.  “I just wish he had been a Republican.”

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Posted in Nailin' Palin

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Prepare Thyself….

Posted on May 25, 2011 by | 27 Comments

…for on May 21, 2012, the true atheists of America shall be be raptured….all eight of us.    We eight shall be saved by the great atheist in the sky while Evangelical Christians and all other true believers shall perish in fire and brimstone.  Why?  Because my decades-long mathematical equations from the Book of Atheism says so. 

Prepare thyself my fellow seven atheists…..for thou shalt be called to the promised land of non-believers where we shall join others who don’t give a shit and hold all religion in absolute contempt for the “charlatanistic” complete waste of time and money that it is.

Our time is nearly upon us my friends.  Prepare thyself for our day of salvation.  It is coming….it is coming…..it is coming.  I shall devote my life’s savings, $123.00, to buy flyers and poster board to make signs stating:

MAY 21, 2012….IT’S COMING !!!!!

…and then I shall wait patiently to be spiritually extricated from this nation of religion sheep.  Oh happy day.

Don't bother getting your atheist suit cleaned....we won't need it where we're going

May 21, 2012 can't come soon enough...

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Posted in Religion Crucified

Coming Soon: May 21, 2012……Rapture, for Atheists, Heretics, Non-Believers, and Other Miscreants

Posted on May 23, 2011 by | 8 Comments

….details coming soon.  Get ready.

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Posted in Religion Crucified, Stranger Than Truth

The Former First Lady Urges Gov. Daniels to Get into the Race….

Posted on May 19, 2011 by | 7 Comments

Former First Lady, Laura Bush, has thrown her “hat into the ring”….of influential Americans who are trying to sway their Republican candidates of choice to run for President next year.

Southpaw was able to get its hands on the transcript of Mrs. Bush’s recent telephone call to Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels who she is trying to encourage to make a run:

Daniels:  “Mrs. Bush, I’m honored that you would think so highly of me that you would call me personally to urge me to run for President.  But I just haven’t made up my mind yet.”

White is Right for Laura Bush....and Mitch is her man

Laura Bush:  “I understand Mitch.  It was such a hard decision for George as well.  He spent nearly five minutes pondering over whether to run and called it the hardest decision of his life next to whether or not to have his 2-inch penis enlarged.”

Daniels:  “I never knew that Mrs. Bush.”

Laura Bush:  “Mitch, do you know what it’s like to sleep next to a man with a 2-inch penis?”

Laura looks admiringly at the man with the 2-inch penis

Daniels:  “Well, since you ask…”

Laura Bush:  “It’s no walk in the park Mitch.

Daniels:  “Mrs. Bush, did you call me to talk about penises or to ask me to run for President?”

Laura Bush: “To run for President Mitch.  America can barely stand four years much less eight of having a colored man as its President.  We need another white man as President, Mitch, and I think you’re our best shot.”

Daniels:  “I’m flattered Mrs. Bush.  But the word “colored” to describe African-Americans is kind of passe don’t  you think?”

Laura Bush:  “What do they want to be called now?  First they didn’t like negro….and then it was colored.  Next thing you know they even got pissed when we tried to call them Afro-American.  Now they don’t even want to be called BLACK?

Laura in the comfort of her "element". Come to think of it, does ANYONE remember the last time Laura ever posed for a picture with anyone who wasn't lily-white?

Daniels:  “Mrs. Bush, I’m a little uncomfortable talking about this.”

Laura Bush:  “We need more white in this country Mitch.  The blacks and the browns are starting to take over.  The country needs YOU Mitch.  We’re ready for another white President and then we need to keep it white.”

Notice who Laura chooses to sit with. Notice who she doesn't choose to sit with....

Daniels:  “I never realized you were such a racist Mrs. Bush.”

Laura Bush:  “I’m not a racist.  I just believe in Aryan domination, that’s all.”

Daniels:  “Mrs. Bush, I probably need to tell you at this point that this conversation is being taped.”

((click)))

Laura getting chummy with non-whites (left)

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Newt for President

Posted on May 14, 2011 by | 18 Comments

….and it’s about time.   To have someone with Newt’s girth as our next President is not only long overdue….it’s our destiny.  My only question is, what took us so long?

No one represents the whole of America better than Newt.  He’s a world-class hypocrite, a love-handled fat-boy, a chickenhawk without peer, a pasty white racist, a fuck-face, and a serial adulterer who passes moral judgment on everyone else.

He is a walking hogman with an asscrack face who never met a donut he didn’t like.   He’s charmless, cocky, mercenary, humorless, ugly, and full of nauseatingly fake religiosity. He is  a ruthless, shameless, spineless, worthle­s­s bag of putrid spunk and he is exactly what America wants, needs, and deserves.  He is a fat, moralizing, sanctimonious stink-hog who indulges in everything that he endlessly pontificates to others not to do…so he’s perfect for us.

He is the master blaster of exploitation in the finest tradition of Joe McCarthy and he is successful at it only because he knows better than even Karl Rove how stupid Americans are and how easy it is to exploit a society that actually spends its money in the hundreds of millions to buy “Left Behind” books, crystal meth, KFC, and hundreds of millions a year on paraphernalia from Christian book stores.  So what else does  Newt need to know about us?  Not fucking much. And boy does he know how to play both the race card and the “us vs. them” card better than anyone.

He’s perfect for America….perfect.  His Presidency of America is inevitable.  Why fight it?  Obama is a blip on the radar….an anomaly that will be forgotten as quick as New Coke and will be relegated to the ash heap of other weirdness and oddities in the permanent rolodex filed under “What ever happened to that guy?”   Newt, however, is status quo.  Newt is normal.  Newt is the future.  Newt is us.  Newt is now.  Newt is forever.

We need him, we want him, we love him, we...."yea, could I have a large order of fries with that Doubledown?"

I, for one, don’t want to be “left behind”…..which is why I’m throwing my support behind Newt for President.

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Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

Left Behind Authors Finally Marry…and Start Ice Cream Business…Tim and Jerry’s

Posted on May 14, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Tim LaHaye will no longer feel “Left Behind” and will spend more time physically “behind” long-time writing mate and lover, Jerry Jenkins, than ever as the two finally announced their engagement and a wedding scheduled for sometime this summer.

Timmy and Jeffy

“I’m as happy as I’ve ever been,” said Jerry.  “Tim finally popped the question in bed last week and now I’m just thrilled that we’ll no longer be poking each other in sin.”

The two dried-up and grizzled, repressed homosexuals have authored the most fucked-up series in history known as “Left Behind.”  The authors have sold 63 million copies to mostly scared-shitless Christians and Evangelical dumb shits, the majority of whom reside in the U.S., with a majority of those situated in the South.  This Christian readership has made LaHaye and Jenkins a couple of rich motherfuckers which, in turn, has allowed them to freely indulge in side businesses like their child-porn industry in Thailand and the ice cream business that they recently purchased.

“We’ll call it Tim and Jerry’s,” said LaHaye proudly announcing the ice cream business that he and Jerry will start once they’re married.  “We’re filthy rich and need a decadent way to enjoy our twilight years.  What better way than to open a chain of ice cream stores using the millions we made off the hayseeds, crazies,  and delusional dumb shits who continued to relentlessly shell out dollars to buy the bullshit books we spun out as fast as we could get them out.  My god we scared a lot of Christians,” laughed LaHaye.

Tim looks forward to giving Jerry a lesson in how to pack fudge the “hard way”

“I agree with Tim,” chuckled Jerry.  “He always told me, ‘It’s always better to give than to receive’…although I can attest that Tim loves receiving just as much as he loves giving..hahahaha,” laughed Jenkins.

With Tim, Jerry would much rather “receive” than “give”

“And in the spirit of giving back,” said LaHaye, “we’ll start Tim and Jerry’s with the roll out date a month or so after we get hitched.  We’ll start with all the conventional flavors but plan on including a bunch of specialty-type, gourmet ice creams that will be marketed specifically for god-fearing homo lovers who believe in the apocalypse.  Flavors will include, “Resurrection Rum and Raisin,” “Joy-Juicy Fruit,” “Hersey’s Chocolate Road to Redemption,”  “Heavenly Fire and Brimstone,”  “Fudge-Packing Delight,” and “Hard-As-A-Rocky Road.”

“My personal favorite is “Dick on a Stick,” said Jerry.  “Timmy and I were licking on it last night and it tastes like strawberry with a hint of tutti-fruti.”

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Posted in Gay Sex is Beautiful...Ask the Right-Wing Christians Who Can't Get Enough of It, Religion Crucified

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Revealing Conversation Released Today

Posted on May 4, 2011 by | 13 Comments

After President George W. Bush learned of terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and on The Pentagon from his Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, no one has ever been certain or verified what was said between the two men on on that fateful morning of September 11th, 2001….until now:

The following is the transcript of the recording that took place that morning that only a few Americans were aware existed but has now been released to Newsweek Magazine, the NY Times, and Southpaw Beagle:

"Mr. President, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Andrew Card:  ”Mr. President, America has just been attacked….”

President Bush: “So, what do you want ME to do about it?”

Card:  ”Mr. President, I believe this calls for swift action.”

The Commander in Chief contemplates....

Bush:  ”Look, I’m in the middle of a book here…can we just not do anything and say we did?”

Card:  ”MR. PRESIDENT !”

Bush:  ”Okay…..let me just sit here and think for a minute…think….think…think. Hmmm, nothing’s coming to mind.  Who did it Andy?”

9:11 a.m.....and contemplates

Card:  ”All signs point to Osama Bin Laden Mr. President.”

Bush:  ”Then we need to attack Iraq.”

Card:  ”Mr. President, Bin Laden is holed up somewhere in Afghanistan and has nothing to do with Iraq.  He’s the leader of Al Qaeda which you would know if you’d just read the briefings we’ve given you every day since you won the election.”

Bush:  ”Oh.  Well that doesn’t change anything.  I don’t know anything about Al Qaeda and Afghanistan but I DO know more than most people about Iraq because of what my dad’s told me.  So I still say we go after Iraq and do it now….that is, as soon as I save face and wrap up this children’s book.”

Card:  ”Mr. President, are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

9:26 a.m.....and contemplates

President:  Absolutely Andy.  You’re missing the big picture.  We’re never going to catch this guy Bin Laden in some place that I know nothing about.  And Americans are too stupid to know one terrorist from another.  I mean, they pretty much feel the same as me:  all people who don’t look like us are terrorists and all terrorists are people who don’t look us.”

(("wait just a cotton-pickin' minute ! This kid doesn't look like me either....hmmmmm.")))

Card:  ”You’ve got a point Mr. President.  Come to think of it…I was up late last night watching that comedian George Lopez and he doesn’t look or even SOUND like us!”

Comedian.....or.....?

Bush:  ”I rest my case.  Besides, why catch anyone?  No one will care about any of this and who I catch if we’re knee deep in a war somewhere…so just declare one by 4 p.m. today on Iraq, Iran, India, Japan, whoever…..I don’t give a flying fuck.”

Card:  ”What about Bin Laden sir?”

Bush:  ”What about him?  At 4 today, make this a declaration of the “war on terror” and the rest will take care of itself…including our reelection in 2004 which will be a walk in the park.  Then in 2008 just before I leave office I’ll tell everyone I tried….and we’ll just hang the responsibility on the black guy.”

Card:  ”Who sir?”

Bush:  ”Obama…..that black bastard from Illinois, or Hawaii, or Malaysia, or Kenya, or wherever the fuck he’s from.  He’s gonna be the next President and since he’s black, no one’s gonna give him a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding.  A couple of years into his Presidency after he hasn’t caught this Bin Laden guy everyone will have totally forgotten that it was me who didn’t go after him in the first place and who was responsible for 9-11 to begin with.  Guess who will be blamed?  The guy who can’t come up with his birth certificate.”

“(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))) !!”

Card:  ”Win-win sir.”

Bush:  ”Fuckin eyh Andy.   Maybe you’re beginning to understand Texas-style politics.  God knows I’ve been trying to teach them to you forever.   Now, let me wrap up this book and then I’ll get on to that other thing you were telling me about.  What was it again?”

(the rest of this conversation may be heard in the SPB Green Room)

"Kids, I'm living proof that YOU TOO can grow up to be wrongly accused of being foreign born by millions and millions of your countrymen."

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Posted in The Worst President (and Ex-President) of All Time

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Excrement of the Month (2011 05): Tie between GWB and The Donald

Posted on May 3, 2011 by | 6 Comments

“W” is sitting in the family room of his luxurious Dallas home, stinking drunk as usual.  He is becoming increasingly delusional and isolated.  He is a disgrace.  Even Barney, once loyal to his master, now cowers in the corner with a close eye on the man he hates…

Who can forget the ineffectual do-nothing SHRUG? Barney sure can't.

Bush’s favorite news anchor is on…..

This is the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer…

….“in our headlines, Osama Bin Laden was finally killed today in a strike ordered by a black President who managed to accomplish this action in two years that eluded his predecessor who, despite all of his cowboy and macho bullshit posturing, could never man up to the task in a full eight years as President.  In other news, GWB’s post-President popularity polls sunk to an all-time low of just under 11 percent approval with favorable ratings from birthers, teabaggers, the clinically insane, and crazed southern Evangelicals….elsewhere in the news, a Tennessee farmer today dug up a turnip that so resembled J. Edgar Hoover that the turnip’s DNA was tested to see if it matched the former FBI Director’s DNA.  The test results should be made….”


“TURN THAT SHIT OFF !” George screams as he throws a shoe at the television, missing by a mile and striking a portrait of his mother instead.

Proud mother of the worst mofo president in history.

“Yes dear,” says a dutiful Laura….”Here’s today’s Austin Star.”

(((Headline reads:  Black U.S. President Whose Citizenship we Question, gets the Job Done on OBL  While Our Native Son is All Talk and No Action.)))

“Goddamn it!”

“Dear, why don’t you just read a good book. Ahh, here’s one you’ve not yet read. This is where “Curious George goes to the Carnival.”

“Hmm, you’re right, I’ve not read that one yet.”

Non-curious George

As curious George Bush sits alone, reading his monkey book, a life-size portrait of J.R. Ewing hangs on the wall staring down at him…..in judgment.

George looks up defiantly.  “I’m confident I made the right decisions as President,” George says.  But no one’s listening….no one.  J.R. continues staring straight ahead as if to say, “George, if I could I’d kick your pussy ass from here to Houston and back again…”

Then George has a rare moment of clarity.  “J.R. is right,” he mutters to himself.  “I am a pussy.  A spineless, no-good, chickenhawk pussy.  Not only was I the worst President in history, I’m also the worst EX President in history.”

Tears streaming down his face as he  unconsciously cracks the seal of a fresh bottle and lifts it to his lips.

GWB's best friend...now and forever

Meanwhile, the fat, bloated, pasty-white, anti-man, body of human monkey spunk known as “The Donald” eases his waste-of-flesh carcass into a freshly drawn bath where he will seep for hours reveling in the fact that he single-handedly regenerated the “birth certificate” insanity just as it seemed to be waning stirring up American crazies and the activity-deprived to help actually push this non-politician to political viability….only to see all it blow up in his fat, dough-boy face as his nemesis, the non-U.S. citizen American President, is responsible for the killing of the greatest terrorist in U.S. history, OBL.

Fuck you, Obama...and the presidential limo you rode in on

...

It is hardly possible to be more despicable than GWB and The Donald….one a former two-term President and the other, an elite racist windbag with enough popularity, at this very moment, to potentially be the front-runner for the Republican party’s 2012 nominee for President.    Despite our momentary respite of exuberance, we shall return tomorrow to being the most back-ass-ward, “President’s-citizenship questioning, jingoistic, phony religious, morbidly obese, fucked up country of nincompoops on the planet.  But, at least for today, we celebrate GWB and The Donald’s tie for “Excrement of the Month” for May, 2011….

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Posted in Excrement of the Month

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