400 Richest American Families Form Satanic Coven


by gordita, SPB Religious Affairs Correspondent

In the wake of news that the richest 400 American families own more wealth than the bottom 50% of Americans, these wickedly rich families–mostly headed by Waltons and hedge fund managers–gathered to hold the first meeting of the Association for Sacrilegious Plutocrats or “ASP” for short.   I was present (fully clothed) to cover the meeting and with me to answer questions was Bubba Walton, the group’s secretary.

“Far be it from me to suggest there is something wrong with being sacrilegious but ASP sounds a little bit sinister,” I said.  “Are you sure that is the effect you were striving for?”

“Absolutely.  Sinister is precisely what we wanted,” said Walton.

“Why is that, Mr. Walton?”

“Haven’t you figured out…this is a satanic witches’ coven.”

“Yeah, well I was wondering why there was a group of naked people sitting in a circle but satanic witches’ coven was not the first explanation that popped into my mind.  Tell me, Mr. Walton, why devil worship?”

“Isn’t it clear?”

“Uh…not really.  Can you enlighten me?”

“Who do you think is in charge of a country where 400 families have more wealth than 150,000,000 Americans combined?”

“Uh…you think the Devil is in charge?”

“Who else could turn a whole country into a sickly, fat, ignorant, trembling, lonely, addicted, jingoistic bunch of Walmart shoppers who are tripping over each other to cut taxes for the rich?”

“Interesting perspective, Mr. Walton…very interesting.  I prefer to view Satan and God as metaphors, but that is neither here nor there.  Could you tell me more more about ASP?  For example, does it have a satanic creed?”

“Everything ASP stands for is right in here,” said Mr. Walton.

“Errrr,” I said.  “I’ve always wondered if Satan didn’t slip a few things in there just to get people turned around.  Like Revelations and Armageddon, for example.”

“Ha!  Vintage Satan.”

“And all that nasty stuff about women and gays?”

“Satan.”

Ephesians 6:5-8?   And accept Jesus as your lord and savior or burn in hell fire?

“Satan.  Satan.  Satan.”

“And this is what is responsible for….”

“Yes.  Satan is responsible for creating a stable of American voters who don’t give a rat’s ass about what is happening to the country because a) they think that Jesus is going to make them millionaires or b) they think that any moment they are going to be dancing with Jesus on sunbeams.  Meanwhile, wealth is being transferred from the poor and middle class to the rich like there is no tomorrow.  Which is why we are gathering naked to praise him.”

“Praise Satan, you mean.”

“Yes.”

Praise Satan

“You seem to know a lot about this guy, Satan, Mr. Walton.”

“Please, call me Bubba.”

Bealzebub “Bubba” Walton as a young boy

“Tell me if you will…Bubba…how come, since regular Americans are so keen on the Satanic biblical verses…why aren’t they being rewarded with riches like you guys?”

<<LOL!!!!>>  “You crack me up, gordita.  Haven’t you figured it out?  It’s because the poor schleps are praising the wrong guy.”

“You mean they are going around saying, ‘Praise Jesus,’ instead of congregating in satanic covens?”

“Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  Give the lady a kiss!  Seriously, gordita, hippie4ever hit the nail on the head in some of his blog comments.  You can’t slaughter the Indians, institute slavery, steal the Sun Belt from Mexico, have the biggest prison system in the world, and deliver the kind of health care we give in this country and call ourselves a good, god-loving nation.  When people do that, Satan gets royally pissed off.  It just isn’t right giving god the credit when he didn’t do jack to earn it.”

“Are you saying that if people worship Satan overtly, and give credit where credit is due so to speak, they will be rewarded with riches?”

“Exactly right, gordita.  But we try to keep that on the QT if you get my drift.”

“You think Americans would flock to satanic covens if they knew?  For money?”

“Sheeeeeeiiit, gordita!  Haven’t you been paying attention?  Considering all of the atrocities Americans have committed for money, you don’t think they would stampede the aisles to worship the devil?!?!?!?!  You apparently have not been a participant in a midnight madness celebration.”

“Actually, Bubba, I think that Americans are rather keen on clothing their iniquity with sanctity–which is why your family held regular prayer meetings with Walmart senior management.”

“Ha!  You thought they were prayer meetings!  I think you underestimate what most people would do for a buck, gordita.”

“Okay, Bubba.  Please bear with me while I wrap my head around this.  If more Americans explicitly worship Satan and get richer, where will all the money come from?”

“Why…from the same places American plutocrats have always gotten money!  From the primitive god-worshiping people in the Third World!”

“So…taking what you’re saying a step further…in order for there to be economic justice for everyone in the world, what’s required is a world-wide leap into the arms of Satan?”

“Emphatically yes, gordita.”

“Frankly, what you are suggesting sounds depressingly like a plan for the end of the world.”

“Exactly right, gordita.  That is the depressing plan for the end of the world.  But remember…mum’s the word.”

“Um.  I’m having difficulty following a lot of your logic, Bubba, but I appreciate your taking time out from your meeting to talk to me.”

“Sure thing, gordita…and any time you want to get naked <<WINK>>  just give me a call.”

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14 responses to “400 Richest American Families Form Satanic Coven

  1. Roger Ailes as Satan….LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If there were a Satan, it would have to be that pig

  2. Nice to know I “hit the nail on the head in some of his (sic) blog comments” LOL! Just two points: (1) I’ve known more than a few witches & they never danced with Satan; (2) Christianity IS primarily at fault for our enduring fuckheadedness — their very philosophy was perverted early on when the aristocracy bribed the Church to slant its teachings towards suffering in this world to obtain ‘pie-in-the-sky-when-you-die.

    Christianity is a rubbish religion designed to perpetuate injustice; their worst serial killers were tolerated. The Church NEVER excommunicated Adolph Hitler or Heinrich Himmler, both of whom were devout Catholics and copied the organizational structure of the Roman Church for their Nazi Party. Had they asked, they would have been absolved for their crimes by the Church, and I’m sorry but some crimes are unforgivable.

    • Yep. No arguments here against the evils of Christianity. But I was not intending to make a positive statement about Christianity. I intended to say that American Christianity is largely devil worship–but without any sort of ritualistic acknowledgment of its true nature. (In response to your comment I took out a reference to “Christian nation” and added the word “satanic” in a few of places to make the meaning of my blog post more clear.)

      Paganism is not something I equate with devil-worship; in fact, I rather like paganism–Christmas most of all. Money-worship is what I equate with devil-worship and there is no more devout a nation of devil-worshippers than the USA.

      I do not, by the way, equate Christianity per se with money-worship because the Christian Bible is so patently hostile to wealth. If American Christians took seriously the New Testament passages about the hoarding of wealth, they could not be capitalists. Unquestionably, they would be socialists/communists (like the early Christian communities described in the Book of Acts) and there would be no such thing as the economic exploitation of the Third World.

      PS If it sounds like I was possessed by kj when I wrote this comment it is because I was.

      • These are good points & we fundamentally agree. What I find surprising in the Church’s selectivity regarding its bible, is their allowing the scene where Jesus metaphorically pulls down the pillars of the temple because usury was practiced there. Seems at odds since their selection of the gospels — four out of approximately 30 — offered the Church an opportunity to reinforce the nobility. What Europe witnessed throughout was a Church working in tandem with repressive political regimes. The disparity in wealth distribution was shocking — in France 98 percent of people were forced to live on 10 percent of the land. Meanwhile bishops, priests & monks were obese as were the degenerate aristocracy. The Church preached how this was part of god’s plan. And you know, Gordita, nothing has changed since then. We are still peasants manipulated by despots who are aided & abetted by hypocrites posing as spiritual entities.

        Sure, Jesus saves at the BofA and approves all its foreclosures….

        • With passages like this in the New Testament, is it any wonder that early translators of the Latin Bible into the vernacular (like Tyndale) were burned at the stake?

          James 5
          Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches have rotted and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver have corroded, and their corrosion will be evidence against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure in the last days. Behold, the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, are crying out against you, and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts. You have lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence. You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous person. He does not resist you.

          And the prevailing interpretation of this passage in Christian America? That there is nothing wrong with being rich! Why did Tyndale bother?

          • Tyndale bothered because the truth does not cease to exist merely because it’s uncomfortable for some people, e.g., fascist American Neocon/Neo-Christian pigs. Wonderful passage from James; although not a Christian I’ve become interested in Gnosis & am reading Elaine Pagels ‘Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas’ as much for her beautiful, elegant prose as for her informed, reasoned and creative perspective on a religion gone terribly wrong. More on that later.

            To be succinct, these hypocritical elitist scumbags have selected from the texts what was convenient to justify their greed, selfishness, violence, injustice. Then they slapped a label on it; were it true it would read ‘An Enemy of the People.’

        • Yes, you are referring to the story of Jesus turning over the money changers’ tables in the Temple…which during Passover week was enough to get a Jewish peasant crucified. Passover was the celebration of the Jews’ liberation from slavery and the Romans were well aware of the Jewish hopes that attended the event. Anything that had even a whiff of insurrection about it was brutally suppressed.

          I have never understood Jesus’ beef with the money changers–if indeed he had one. Money-changing was a necessary part of the sacrificial Temple economy and took place in the Court of the Gentiles where non-Jews and commerce were allowed. Roman coins were considered by Jews to be an abomination to the Lord so they had to be converted to Tyrian money in order to buy the sacrificial animals used in Temple rituals.

          I have wondered sometimes if the table turning was not just a pretext for getting himself executed–although I think Jesus was the kind of person who would have choreographed his exit with some attention to symbolic detail. I would guess that later Christians who told the story transformed the symbolism/rationale of the Temple cleansing to serve Christian agendas of the late first century–and that included further undermining the defeated Jews and their destroyed Temple. By the time the gospels were written, the Christians were busy sucking up to the Romans and vilifying Jews who had not joined the Jews for Jesus camp. Because the rationale for the table-turning makes so little sense in the context of Temple life in 30 CE or so, my guess is that the real story (if there is any historical basis for it) has something to do with Romans (or Pontius Pilate) benefiting from an unfair exchange rate. There is already the ridiculous fabrication in the gospels about Pontius sticking up for Jesus (that was about as likely as Hitler sticking up for Jesus) so that is where my suspicions lie.

    • The big problem with Christianity (other than the fact that it is the religion of Empire, Genocide, and Inquisition and has been conflated with capitalism) is its failed response to the Enlightenment.

      Christianity should have doubled down on poetry and compassion. Instead, it overreached and tried to compete with science and history.

      The next step in the evolution of faith is to subject all religion (including myths, doctrines, rituals, etc.) to scientific and social scrutiny. There should be legal respect for freedom of religion, not intellectual or moral respect for particular religious beliefs and practices that do harm. We need to have a discussion about which practices are good for individuals and communities (from the standpoint of earthly, human happiness) and which are destructive. Atheism must be de-stigmatized. That said, I will also say, as a poet, I would be hard-pressed to write poetry without the symbolic richness of Christianity, including its music, architecture, images, and language. I love Jesus. I don’t think that if I lived in a world of Richard Dawkins’ making I would be very fully realized as a person.

      I believe that the primary purpose of religion should be to awaken mysticism. Mysticism I define as that spark of imagination that makes us all poets–that liberates us from the drudgery of the habitual and allows us to continually experience the world (and one another) as something amazing and new. Poetry is the only argument we have against the futility of life and, I think, the only spirited defense we have against death. Perhaps some day physics (and the iconography of space) will offer us a vision of reality that is as shattering to our ordinary and dulled perceptions and as defiant against death as the poetry of religion. That certainly seems to have been the case for Einstein and perhaps it will be the path for future generations.

  3. Well, in Dawkins’ defence, I think we both would be better off in a liberated society where one could speak the truth without zealots crowing about Jesus or Capitalism. My problem with him is he beats his topic to death; why not make one’s point & move on? LOL!!! It’s so odd to agree so completely with another but also to wish he’d move on & pick up the pace.

    And I wouldn’t leave it only to faith-based organisations to spark the imagination; that should be an obligation of parents and the schools but we know that usually doesn’t happen. And not just here — the French system wears away the imagination & creativity of most French children who have grown up to become politically-correct but unthinking adults, for the most part. Those who don’t conform get as far from Paris as possible. It’s why I love Montpellier although the weather was difficult.

    I hope we will have better educated children but the Disunited States continues to slash education funding & you get in life what you put in, or pay for. The rest of the world, excepting tragically Japan, will get better because once dispossessed, people miss what they don’t have. Americans who failed to get a decent education don’t realize how badly they were ripped off, but eventually they’ll figure it out.

    Actually, kj, that may be happening now…

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