Clue: It’s a “he”, he’s white, he’s a Republican, and he’s a racist motherfucker……and, of course, he is from Texas.
….okay, so that’s not much of a clue since that description would probably apply to 3/4 of Texas.
….I guess you’ll just have to wait 
p.s. Between now and this weekend when April’s Excrement of the Month is published, take your best shot at guessing who it might be.
Posted in Excrement of the Month
by gordita, SPB Religious Affairs Correspondent
…
In the wake of news that the richest 400 American families own more wealth than the bottom 50% of Americans, these wickedly rich families–mostly headed by Waltons and hedge fund managers–gathered to hold the first meeting of the Association for Sacrilegious Plutocrats or “ASP” for short. I was present (fully clothed) to cover the meeting and with me to answer questions was Bubba Walton, the group’s secretary.
“Far be it from me to suggest there is something wrong with being sacrilegious but ASP sounds a little bit sinister,” I said. “Are you sure that is the effect you were striving for?”
“Absolutely. Sinister is precisely what we wanted,” said Walton.
“Why is that, Mr. Walton?”
“Haven’t you figured out…this is a satanic witches’ coven.”
“Yeah, well I was wondering why there was a group of naked people sitting in a circle but satanic witches’ coven was not the first explanation that popped into my mind. Tell me, Mr. Walton, why devil worship?”
“Isn’t it clear?”
“Uh…not really. Can you enlighten me?”
“Who do you think is in charge of a country where 400 families have more wealth than 150,000,000 Americans combined?”
“Uh…you think the Devil is in charge?”
“Who else could turn a whole country into a sickly, fat, ignorant, trembling, lonely, addicted, jingoistic bunch of Walmart shoppers who are tripping over each other to cut taxes for the rich?”
“Interesting perspective, Mr. Walton…very interesting. I prefer to view Satan and God as metaphors, but that is neither here nor there. Could you tell me more more about ASP? For example, does it have a satanic creed?”
“Everything ASP stands for is right in here,” said Mr. Walton.
“Errrr,” I said. “I’ve always wondered if Satan didn’t slip a few things in there just to get people turned around. Like Revelations and Armageddon, for example.”
“Ha! Vintage Satan.”
“And all that nasty stuff about women and gays?”
“Satan.”
Ephesians 6:5-8? And accept Jesus as your lord and savior or burn in hell fire?
“Satan. Satan. Satan.”
“And this is what is responsible for….”
“Yes. Satan is responsible for creating a stable of American voters who don’t give a rat’s ass about what is happening to the country because a) they think that Jesus is going to make them millionaires or b) they think that any moment they are going to be dancing with Jesus on sunbeams. Meanwhile, wealth is being transferred from the poor and middle class to the rich like there is no tomorrow. Which is why we are gathering naked to praise him.”
“Praise Satan, you mean.”
“Yes.”
Praise Satan
“You seem to know a lot about this guy, Satan, Mr. Walton.”
“Please, call me Bubba.”
Bealzebub “Bubba” Walton as a young boy
“Tell me if you will…Bubba…how come, since regular Americans are so keen on the Satanic biblical verses…why aren’t they being rewarded with riches like you guys?”
<<LOL!!!!>> “You crack me up, gordita. Haven’t you figured it out? It’s because the poor schleps are praising the wrong guy.”
“You mean they are going around saying, ‘Praise Jesus,’ instead of congregating in satanic covens?”
“Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Give the lady a kiss! Seriously, gordita, hippie4ever hit the nail on the head in some of his blog comments. You can’t slaughter the Indians, institute slavery, steal the Sun Belt from Mexico, have the biggest prison system in the world, and deliver the kind of health care we give in this country and call ourselves a good, god-loving nation. When people do that, Satan gets royally pissed off. It just isn’t right giving god the credit when he didn’t do jack to earn it.”
“Are you saying that if people worship Satan overtly, and give credit where credit is due so to speak, they will be rewarded with riches?”
“Exactly right, gordita. But we try to keep that on the QT if you get my drift.”
“You think Americans would flock to satanic covens if they knew? For money?”
“Sheeeeeeiiit, gordita! Haven’t you been paying attention? Considering all of the atrocities Americans have committed for money, you don’t think they would stampede the aisles to worship the devil?!?!?!?! You apparently have not been a participant in a midnight madness celebration.”
“Actually, Bubba, I think that Americans are rather keen on clothing their iniquity with sanctity–which is why your family held regular prayer meetings with Walmart senior management.”
“Ha! You thought they were prayer meetings! I think you underestimate what most people would do for a buck, gordita.”
“Okay, Bubba. Please bear with me while I wrap my head around this. If more Americans explicitly worship Satan and get richer, where will all the money come from?”
“Why…from the same places American plutocrats have always gotten money! From the primitive god-worshiping people in the Third World!”
“So…taking what you’re saying a step further…in order for there to be economic justice for everyone in the world, what’s required is a world-wide leap into the arms of Satan?”
“Emphatically yes, gordita.”
“Frankly, what you are suggesting sounds depressingly like a plan for the end of the world.”
…
“Exactly right, gordita. That is the depressing plan for the end of the world. But remember…mum’s the word.”
“Um. I’m having difficulty following a lot of your logic, Bubba, but I appreciate your taking time out from your meeting to talk to me.”
“Sure thing, gordita…and any time you want to get naked <<WINK>> just give me a call.”
Medical Oz
Long long ago in the land of fantasy where people still believed that health care coverage was available to them simply because they were human beings…or at least partially human as in the case of some of those portrayed in this story, there was a wonderful, joyful place known as Mary Immaculate Hospital, or better known to people from sea to shining sea as the Medical Oz….a place so wonderful that it was legend that you could go there and receive the care you needed for whatever ailed you. No matter what, the great Medical Oz would take care of you. It was a giant place of care, with more than 1000 beds and certainly enough space to take care of the four souls who had come from so far away seeking very special care from the loving arms of the wonderful Oz. As our four wanderers approached Oz, we pick up their heartfelt and tragic story here:
“LOOK DOROTHY….THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS !!!” said the Scarecrow, as he, Dorothy, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion came through the clearing. On the horizon just beyond a giant rainbow was this great hospital….in the Land of Oz.
Our four healthcare-seeking heroes
“You’re right Scarecrow!!” exclaimed a delighted Dorothy…”It is, it is. Oh my wonderful friends. We’ve made it. Oh how I love all of you so!”
“Grrrr, let’s go already you guys,” said the Cowardly Lion. “I need to get me some COURAGE!!”
“…and I need a heart,” said the Tin Man.
“…and I need me a brain,” said the Scarecrow.
“Well my friends, we’ve come to the right place because the Medical Oz has it all…brains, hearts, and courage and enough to go around for everyone who needs them and more,” said a delighted Dorothy.
“Grrrr, well what are we standing around wasting time for? Let’s go already before they give away all the courage,” said an impatient Lion.
“Oh but can’t we rest just a moment?” said an exhausted Dorothy.
“After all, we’ve come so far.”
“We’ll help you Dorothy! It’s only a few hundred more feet.”
“LET’S GO FELLAS !!!”
“WHO GOES THERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” came a booming voice from the mammoth hospital.
The all-powerful Oz Scalia
“Whooooa…” ((SHUDDER))) ((SHAKE))), the foursome cowered.
“I SAY, WHO GOES THERE!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?” came the booming voice again.
“Brrrrrrr….whoooo…whooo is it?” said a terrified Scarecrow.
“I AM THE GREAT MEDICAL OZ, ANTONIN SCALIA!!!!! WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU TRESPASSERS HAVE HERE?”
“Well on great Oz, your highness…your exaltedness, your all wonderfulness…my name is Dorothy and I come from a far, far away place called Kansas and I brought my friends and….”
The terrified foursome are confronted by the Medical Oz Scalia
((((SILENCE))))!!!!!!!!!!!! “GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!” screamed an infuriated Oz Scalia.
“…well what Dorothy was trying to say oh greatness is we came from a long way off to get me a brain…”
Sure, we got a brain for you Scarecrow....for five million dollars. Otherwise, beat it.
“… and me a heart.”
Forget about that heart Tin Man
“… and I’m here to get me some COURAGE.”
Here's that courage medal you were wanting Lion....now that'll be $10 million dollars. What? You don't have it? Fuck you.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed a tyrannical Oz Scalia. “What makes any of you fucking peanut heads think you can get ANY of that shit here?”
“Because I have health care coverage for my friends and me,” said Dorothy….”well, I did….I mean I do…I mean…”
“SPIT IT OUT YOU BUMBLING IDIOT!!!” screamed the Oz with growing impatience.
“I mean, I was recently laid off from my job as a receptionist in Kansas and I had COBRA insurance for 18 months until it ran out recently but I’ve saved all that I have and now I think I can afford to pay for a heart, a brain, and courage for my friends and…”
“HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE!?!?!?! SHOW ME!!”
“Well, I took out a second mortgage on Auntie Em’s and Uncle Henry’s farm, I worked nights and weekends as a house cleaner, and I hooked for the better part of a year. I have a grand total of $25 thousand dollars!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed a taunting Oz Scalia. “Why that won’t even pay for a mere one of you to enter our front doors….not that I would let the likes of you scum enter our sacred grounds to receive medical care to begin with.”
“But how much WILL it cost oh great one?” asked the Tin Man.
“Why, even if we HAD hearts, brains, and courage to give out, I wouldn’t give it to you miscreants for anything less than 25 million dollars. But the great Oz Medical Center, like all medical care in America, has NO heart, no brains, and certainly no courage….so GET OUT…AND DON’T EVER COME BACK HERE!!!!”
“Oh Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion….I’m so sorry…what am I going to do now,” cried a distraught Dorothy.
“Oh Dorothy, don’t blame yourself. Maybe it’s just time for you to go home to the land of reality where’s there’s fast food as far as the eye can see, Wal-Mart, an Evangelical church on every block, and morbid obesity, heart disease, a diabetes epidemic, and countless other co-morbid health complaints among the people.”
“You’re right my loving Scarecrow friend. Oh but I’ll miss all of you so much.”
“Just click your heels three times Dorothy and you’ll be back snug in your bed in the land of no health care, no vision, no promise, no inspiration, and no hope before you know it.”
“There’s no place like home….there’s no place like home…..there’s no place like home.”
(((POOF)))
“Hi, my name is Dorothy. Welcome to Wal-Mart…may I help you find something?”
The TRUE Land of Oz.
The U.S. Supreme Court today ruled in favor of upholding a new law requiring all residents in the deep south to say “Have a Blessed Day” at the end of their answering machine messages.
“I think it’s the right thing to do,” said the Rev Billy James Hargis, “given the fact that here in the Deep South about 99 percent of us are good, God-fearing Christians and everybody needs to know that…even when people call us on the phone and we’re not at home.”
“I think it’s fucked up,” said the evil, heretical, non-god-fearing, vermin disbelieving, Madalyn Murray O’Hara-loving, rat-fuck, commie rotten bastard, devil-worshiping one-percenter piece of shit Hugh E. Rection. “I mean, they want to fine me like $500 fucking dollars because a neighbor ratted me out to the Christian police here in Georgia and told them that my answering machine message said ‘blow me’ instead of ‘Have a Blessed Day.’ I mean, what a pussy thing to say at the end of your answering machine message to begin with.”
“I’m glad this young man was fined,” added Hargis. “We should make an example of all those trying to be different in our state or any other state in the Deep South. Hopefully they will reinstate the death penalty for those caught violating this new law. I have zero tolerance for non-Christian type things….especially this type of the thing when it’s a clear violation of the Gingrich-Vitter Act,” referring to the two lawmakers who were responsible for drafting the new law and pushing through various state legislatures and to the Supreme Court where they knew they would face little, if any, resistance to the law.
The new law takes effect on April 1st in the states of Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and South Carolina. First-time violators of the new law will be fined $500. The third strike will result in penalties of up to $10,000 with 15 years in prison.
Excrement in the making
Clearly there are more reasons to hate Newt Gingrich than one mere mortal can count. Besides being one of most hypocritical politicians in American history, he’s a right-wing gas-bag who, over the years, has done as much damage to America’s political landscape as anyone second only to, perhaps, Tom Delay in pure vile sliminess.
With his asscrack face he is as repulsive in how he looks, as he is in the things he says and does. He’s charmless, cocky, mercenary, humorless, ugly, and full of nauseatingly fake religiosity. He is a ruthless, shameless, spineless, worthless, motherfucking chickenhawk and a fat, moralizing, sanctimonious stink-hog who indulges in everything that he endlessly pontificates to others not to do.
Oh, did I mention that he is the 20th Century poster boy for sanctimonious Christian adultery?….and we all know the slime ball way he dispatched his previous (seriously ill) spouses in exchange for those who were insane enough to consider crawling in the same sack with this walking sack of monkey spunk….much less actually doing it.
Yet, this rotund douchebag with bad hair seems to have more lives than a Cheshire cat and here he is gearing up for a run at the 2012 Republican nomination for President. How can one explain the appeal? Because we, collectively, are more stupid than he is–allowing this pig to continue to exploit, a systematically dumbed down educationally and culturally deprived society…dumbed down by phony religiosity, non-existent terrorism, and jingoistic patriotism.
But nothing in pig-boy’s contemptible life even comes close to what he has said recently in his lamer than lame efforts to excuse himself for his serial adultery and ingratiate himself with the dingbat Christian dispensationalists with big ears and sky-blue suits who inexplicably continue to find him appealing:
“There’s no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” Gingrich told an interviewer on the Christian Broadcasting Network.
In other words, he was driven into serial adultery by hard work and patriotism.
Of course, only in America will such excuses work….and likely work like a charm.
And with his recent proclamations, Gingrich is now reduced to the level of maggot spunk making Newt our inaugural “Excrement of the Month.”
Dishonorable mention: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, weasel James O’Keefe
For most of us we have to learn how to be fuckers....but this fucker was born a fucker
Oh what the hell….I might as well get the ball rolling: He should be stripped necked, covered from head to toe in honey, and tied down to the ground in the middle of an army ant farm….
Now, it’s your turn…..and please don’t hold back…..
Dispensing with further pretensions of actually selling healthful food, mega-sandwich chain, Subway, has hired former Arkansas Gov. and Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee and his evangelical Christian, animal-torturing family to promote its new sandwich known simply as “The Hog.”
1st Family of Morbid Obesity dressing up like an American flag (Note: the dog in picture was unfortunately eaten by Huckabee's oldest son, David, {pictured between Huckabee and his wife} just seconds after this photo was taken)
“We predict ‘The Hog’ will be our next great seller,” said Didi Boner, public relations executive for Subway, “and what better family to promote it than the 1st Family of Morbid Obesity, the Huckabee family.”
“What about Jared?” I asked.
“Who?” said Boner. “With America’s morbid obesity rates teetering around the 80 percentile, we give up on the lame ‘eating fresh and healthy’ kick that we were on for a few years. Our new aim is to promote what Americans want….cheap, fattening food marketed by obese evangelical Christians. Thus, our new direction has opened the doors to introducing ‘The Hog’ which is probably our most unhealthy sandwich yet….and perhaps the most unhealthy sandwich of all-time,” said Boner. “And what better guy to do that than someone like Mike Huckabee who, like the sandwich, is cheap, fattening, and totally cheesy,” added Boner.
The Godfather of Lard and Fat Back
“The Hog” is two pounds of center cut pork loin deep-fried in pure bacon grease, injected with four ounces of Cheese-Whiz, coated in powdered sugar, and deep-fried again, dipped in a sugary glaze, and sandwiched between two deep-fried Belgian sugar waffles coated in chocolate and piled high with six slices of fat back, four slices of American cheese, and topped off with a sugary mayonnaise sauce.
The Hog
“Now that’s my kind of sandwich,” said Mike Huckabee after signing a multi-million dollar contract for him and his family to appear in Subway commercials promoting “The Hog.” Huckabee and his two sons alone, the oldest of whom (David) is also a former dog torturer and reputed camp child molester, weigh in at nearly 1200 pounds.
Childhood photo of Huckabee sons preparing for a lifetime of morbid obesity
“My wife is just under 200 pounds but she’s working hard to get her weight up to Subway and American evangelical Christian standards which, in her case, needs to be around 225. Once she reaches that weight she can appear in commercials with us.”
"Jowls" Huckabee appears at press conference promoting "The Hog"
“It’s a doggone good sandwich,” said David Huckabee who polished off three of the four pound concoctions in less than 15 minutes.
Subway measures David's girth to make sure he meets the standards of "The Hog"
“We’re proud of our new sandwich,” said Boner and we expect it to do particularly well as people begin to associate it with the 1st Family of Morbid Obesity as well as the things that are important to them, like an unhealthy diet, pussy evangelical Christianity, mercilessly killing dogs, and lashing out against homosexuals, abortion, and anything else the Huckabees consider immoral.”
(Note: This just in…the Huckabee family, along with Newt Gingrich, is also in negotiations for a multi-million dollar deal to serve as spokespersons for Gas-X.)
Every three years or so a day comes along to make me forget what a fucked up country the U.S. is. That day is Monday, March 7th, 2011…..
….when the new REM album is released.
Here’s a taste:
…when REM releases a new album once every four years, who gives a shit about anything else…
Posted in SouthPaw's Slant
Dear Jesus,
I hate to break it to you, but that saying you’ve been reading on bumper stickers all these years (mostly in the south) is complete bullshit. The truth is, REAL men do NOT love you. 
The men who love you ….well, let me back up here….I’m not even completely sure if the so-called “real men” who say they love you even believe in you. My hunch is, they just SAY they believe in you cause they’re pussy-whipped in some way, shape or form and they figure if they ride around in a manly SUV or a pick-up truck with a bumper sticker saying they love you that it will exonerate them from something fucked up they did.
The more I fuck up, the more I say, I love Jesus.
You see, riding around with such a sappy bumper sticker is like a more permanent substitute for giving flowers to their wives when giving flowers doesn’t work anymore. So they’ve taken the next step to full-fledged “pussydom”….by putting that bumper sticker on their respective cars and trucks. Sorry to burst your bubble…but most likely, not even the so-called “real men” who say they love you really do.
How do you know this guy is lying….when he says he loves Jesus
…which leads me back to my point: The men who love you, or at least SAY they love you aren’t real men. Most likely they’re not men at all…merely eunuchs who gave up being real men the day they let themselves get talked into dressing up and going to church on Sundays, sitting in their hard backed aisle seats like the ball-less wonders they are, standing up in song and waving their arms and hands about in the air very, very unmanly like, and afterwards standing around making chit-chat with other fat-ass guys just like them with shit-eating smiles on their face that want to scream out the truth: “I HATE JESUS, I HATE CHURCH, I HATE MY WIFE AND I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GO SURF PORN !!!”
….but, alas, they don’t do any of that because, of course, they are not real men.
Not real…not man…doesn’t really love Jesus
You see, Jesus, REAL men do not love you….or even believe in you….which is why they ARE real men. The so-called “real men” who have been following you around all these years proclaiming they love you with bumper stickers and all are really just disciples of your primary creation….Pussydom. So why don’t you get on the blower and contact all these charlatans (just dial 1-800-deepsouth…or 1-866-pussywhip) who are running around giving all of us real men a bad name and tell them to start calling themselves what they are: Card Carrying Members of Jesus’ Pussydom Club, Inc. They can even put that on their bumpers and proudly display themselves as the pussies that they are. And while you’re at it, tell them to stop displaying the following bumper sticker cause we all know it, too, is total bullshit:
The face of a real man? You be the judge….
I have just one question for you Justices Roberts, Scalia, Sotomayor, Kennedy, Bader-Ginsburg, Thomas, Breyer, and Kagan…..
“Would you be okay with filth like Fred Phelps and his filthy church and its filthy membership picketing their fucking filth and hate outside of a funeral for your kid who was killed in Iraq or Afghanistan? This is not a “shades of gray” question Justices….just a fucking yes or no please so kindly refrain from all of your usual mechanized horseshit and hyperbole.”
“You can’t render an answer? I didn’t think so. Gutless wonders one and all.”
And I don’t give a flying fuck about the 1st Amendment. A line should be permanently drawn in the sand when it comes to the sort of animalistic hate that spews from the mouths of inhumanity as the Westboro Baptist Church. Like the KKK, Nazi’s, Aryans, and all the rest of the despicable right-wing hate groups that preceded Westboro, they should simply be taken behind the barn and shot.
p.s As if we needed any additional proof there is no god, if there was one he would have strategically sent some well-placed bolts of lightening to slice and dice the fuckers in the picture above. Plus, he would de-nut every dude associated with Westboro, starting w/ Fred Phelps, assuring there’s no chance of making any more of them. He hasn’t done any of that….thus there is no god. Of course, you already knew that.
