Long long ago in the land of fantasy where people still believed that health care coverage was available to them simply because they were human beings…or at least partially human as in the case of some of those portrayed in this story, there was a wonderful, joyful place known as Mary Immaculate Hospital, or better known to people from sea to shining sea as the Medical Oz….a place so wonderful that it was legend that you could go there and receive the care you needed for whatever ailed you. No matter what, the great Medical Oz would take care of you. It was a giant place of care, with more than 1000 beds and certainly enough space to take care of the four souls who had come from so far away seeking very special care from the loving arms of the wonderful Oz. As our four wanderers approached Oz, we pick up their heartfelt and tragic story here:
“LOOK DOROTHY….THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS !!!” said the Scarecrow, as he, Dorothy, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion came through the clearing. On the horizon just beyond a giant rainbow was this great hospital….in the Land of Oz.
Our four healthcare-seeking heroes
“You’re right Scarecrow!!” exclaimed a delighted Dorothy…”It is, it is. Oh my wonderful friends. We’ve made it. Oh how I love all of you so!”
“Grrrr, let’s go already you guys,” said the Cowardly Lion. “I need to get me some COURAGE!!”
“…and I need a heart,” said the Tin Man.
“…and I need me a brain,” said the Scarecrow.
“Well my friends, we’ve come to the right place because the Medical Oz has it all…brains, hearts, and courage and enough to go around for everyone who needs them and more,” said a delighted Dorothy.
“Grrrr, well what are we standing around wasting time for? Let’s go already before they give away all the courage,” said an impatient Lion.
“Oh but can’t we rest just a moment?” said an exhausted Dorothy.
“After all, we’ve come so far.”
“We’ll help you Dorothy! It’s only a few hundred more feet.”
“LET’S GO FELLAS !!!”
“WHO GOES THERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” came a booming voice from the mammoth hospital.
The all-powerful Oz Scalia
“Whooooa…” ((SHUDDER))) ((SHAKE))), the foursome cowered.
“I SAY, WHO GOES THERE!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?” came the booming voice again.
“Brrrrrrr….whoooo…whooo is it?” said a terrified Scarecrow.
“I AM THE GREAT MEDICAL OZ, ANTONIN SCALIA!!!!! WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU TRESPASSERS HAVE HERE?”
“Well on great Oz, your highness…your exaltedness, your all wonderfulness…my name is Dorothy and I come from a far, far away place called Kansas and I brought my friends and….”
The terrified foursome are confronted by the Medical Oz Scalia
((((SILENCE))))!!!!!!!!!!!! “GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!” screamed an infuriated Oz Scalia.
“…well what Dorothy was trying to say oh greatness is we came from a long way off to get me a brain…”
Sure, we got a brain for you Scarecrow....for five million dollars. Otherwise, beat it.
“… and me a heart.”
Forget about that heart Tin Man
“… and I’m here to get me some COURAGE.”
Here's that courage medal you were wanting Lion....now that'll be $10 million dollars. What? You don't have it? Fuck you.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed a tyrannical Oz Scalia. “What makes any of you fucking peanut heads think you can get ANY of that shit here?”
“Because I have health care coverage for my friends and me,” said Dorothy….”well, I did….I mean I do…I mean…”
“SPIT IT OUT YOU BUMBLING IDIOT!!!” screamed the Oz with growing impatience.
“I mean, I was recently laid off from my job as a receptionist in Kansas and I had COBRA insurance for 18 months until it ran out recently but I’ve saved all that I have and now I think I can afford to pay for a heart, a brain, and courage for my friends and…”
“HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE!?!?!?! SHOW ME!!”
“Well, I took out a second mortgage on Auntie Em’s and Uncle Henry’s farm, I worked nights and weekends as a house cleaner, and I hooked for the better part of a year. I have a grand total of $25 thousand dollars!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed a taunting Oz Scalia. “Why that won’t even pay for a mere one of you to enter our front doors….not that I would let the likes of you scum enter our sacred grounds to receive medical care to begin with.”
“But how much WILL it cost oh great one?” asked the Tin Man.
“Why, even if we HAD hearts, brains, and courage to give out, I wouldn’t give it to you miscreants for anything less than 25 million dollars. But the great Oz Medical Center, like all medical care in America, has NO heart, no brains, and certainly no courage….so GET OUT…AND DON’T EVER COME BACK HERE!!!!”
“Oh Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion….I’m so sorry…what am I going to do now,” cried a distraught Dorothy.
“Oh Dorothy, don’t blame yourself. Maybe it’s just time for you to go home to the land of reality where’s there’s fast food as far as the eye can see, Wal-Mart, an Evangelical church on every block, and morbid obesity, heart disease, a diabetes epidemic, and countless other co-morbid health complaints among the people.”
“You’re right my loving Scarecrow friend. Oh but I’ll miss all of you so much.”
“Just click your heels three times Dorothy and you’ll be back snug in your bed in the land of no health care, no vision, no promise, no inspiration, and no hope before you know it.”
“There’s no place like home….there’s no place like home…..there’s no place like home.”
“Hi, my name is Dorothy. Welcome to Wal-Mart…may I help you find something?”
The TRUE Land of Oz.