Coming soon, we begin the countdown of the 12 most hated people in America (according to nationwide Southpaw polling)….starting with #12 and working our way all the way to #1 which will coincide with ringing in the New Year.
Take a guess who’s # 1
Coming soon, we begin the countdown of the 12 most hated people in America (according to nationwide Southpaw polling)….starting with #12 and working our way all the way to #1 which will coincide with ringing in the New Year.
Take a guess who’s # 1
After two best selling books about her life with Jesus, how much the liberal media has tried to screw her at every turn, and how important freedom is to her, Sarah Palin is ready to reveal a darker side in her third book to be released this summer. In her upcoming book, “12 Rounds With Lucifer,” Sarah reveals everything from the time she spent as a hooker down by the Anchorage docks during its cold winter months, her years addicted to crystal meth and PCP, how she was even stoned out of her fucking mind on the very night she was elected mayor of Wasilla, and how each of her children has a different father.
“It was hard having to force my own daughter (Bristol) to turn tricks when she hit 15, but I did what I had to do to subsidize Todd’s ongoing heroin habit,” Sarah reveals in Chapter 6.
“FUCK CHRISTIANS!!!” Sarah says she used to rant in a PCP-induced rage that was more commonplace than not back in her “dark days”
prior to her unexpected victory as Wasilla’s first dyke mayor. “Yes, I was a lesbian,” she admits in chap 12, “before I was introduced to Nigerian-style Christian voodoo and found God. I found God and it saved me from the devil of PCP and crystal meth. If not for God, I wouldn’t be the incredibly beautiful and brilliant success story that I am today.”
“That bitch is a fucking bullshitter and a liar…about the Christian voodoo shit….all of it,” says husband Todd candidly about Sarah’s revelations.
“She’s still a user too man. There’s a meth lab right down the road from here and Sarah practically lives there. And that heroin addict shit she said about me? Total bullshit. I’ve never had a drug problem….only a woman problem…and more specifically, only a ‘Sarah Palin’ problem,” Todd added before shooting up. “Besides, man, Sarah’s a fucking whore…and that’s all there is to it.”
“If you hate her so much why don’t you leave her?” asks Southpaw.
“Because she’s my meal ticket man. And she’d never dare to leave me. She knows I have the goods on her….man do I ever.”
“What do you mean?” asks Southpaw
“You know that Alaskan oil pipeline that runs about 2000 fucking miles? Well do you think we just gave Exxon a free license to pump oil through that goddamn thing? Let’s just say that license wasn’t free….and we’ll leave it at that,” Todd Palin said coyly.
“Can you be more specific Mr. Palin?”
“I just said….WE’LL LEAVE IT AT THAT,” Todd added with a stern look as he flicked his lit cigarette butt at Southpaw.
“But what about the rest of ’12 Rounds With Lucifer’?” asked Southpaw.
“What about it?” said Todd. “I mean, the chick is a pathological liar. Do you think I would have married her if I had known she was a lesbian? I hate her so much that just before her goddamn campaign in ’08 I thought seriously of having her kil……,” Palin’s voice trailed off.
“What’s that?” asked Southpaw.
“Nothing man….but quite a few of my Aryan friends don’t like all the attention that her political life was bringing to our activities and a few of them recommended that I….”
“That you what?”
“I think this interview’s about over man…besides, I’ve got to get back to sharpening my knives.”
Sarah’s book will also reveal how she and her family narrowly escaped a fire that she “accidentally” started from a crack cocaine pipe that exploded causing the kitchen curtains to catch fire which burned down her family’s double-wide. This incident happened just days after Sarah allegedly rammed a kitchen knife into the ribs of her common law husband, Jerry “Peckerhead” Lange, who is now serving 20 years to life for running an Alaskan prostitution ring and distributing cocaine.
“America is the greatest country in the world and the fact that an abusive, drug-addicted, lesbian, trailer-trash, man-stabbing prostitute can become one of the most beloved figures in American history,” wrote Sarah in the final chapter of “12 Rounds With Lucifer.” “Only in America can someone like me become rich, famous, and highly-regarded,” she added.
A recent nationwide poll shows that among Americans who “get off” on doing their jobs, TSA agents who work screening passengers at our nation’s airports, are far and away the leaders in “getting off”, beating out massage therapists, podiatrists, gynecologists, 7-11 cashiers, and adult book store clerks.
“I get an erection even BEFORE I get to work just knowing I’m GOING to work,” said Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Airport TSA agent, I.C Yadick, a former WaWa clerk and a convicted pedophile who has been a TSA agent for two years.
“I love my job,” said Yadick. “At WaWa whenever I tried to grope a customer my supervisor would get all over my ass. At the airport my supervisor actually encourages it. So, I and a few of my coworkers have spent a lot of time training to try and antagonize passengers as much as possible so we can piss them off and force pat downs….especially if we see good looking chicks in line. On yesterday’s shift I got one of the best hard-on’s I’ve ever had groping this one chick who I swear looks just like a chick in one of the Hustlers I used to rip off from WaWa.”
When told of Yadick’s revelations, Hartsfield-Jackson TSA supervisor, Hugh Junit, said he’s happy to hear it because it means his agents are getting into their jobs.
“My motto has always been, “work hard, play hard….and if you can do both at the same time….even better,” said Junit. “Getting an erection and getting off is simply what I would define as nothing more than an occupational hazard and a big part of our jobs. It’s what we sign up for. You didn’t really believe it’s to protect against terrorism, do you? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to laugh…..but have you SEEN some of our agents? Average weight among our agents is 400 pounds…both male and female. If I were to tell most of these fat fuckers to haul ass it would take em two trips. Now how in the fuck does anyone in their right mind expect them to stop a terrorist. Now then, if the terrorist is carrying a couple of box cutters AND a dozen donuts, you better believe my agents will be right on top of him,” praised Junit.
“If someone had told me I could grope passengers legally and get off in the process and get away with it while posing as someone who’s doing his job to protect the nation, I would have signed up faster than I can eat a double Whopper,” said TSA veteran, Bo Nerr, of the Salt Lake City International Airport, which is the fourth leading airport in TSA agent groping and subsequent erections and getting off from doing such, right behind Hartsfield-Jackson, Orlando International Airport, and Dallas International Airport. “It pisses me off that I spent 10 years taking shit from some pimple-faced dweeb at KFC when I could have been groping women and doing it in a uniform while protecting our nation against people who want to take away our freedom,” said Nerr. “By the way, ” added Nerr…”just for the record, the fastest I’ve ever eaten a double Whopper is 6.3 seconds.”
“I’m proud of my group of gropers,” said Junit. “If people had told me years ago that I could put together a crackerjack group of gropers out of a group of military washouts, morbidly obese, sex offenders, losers, and failures, I would have said “you crazy dude.”
“We like to regard ourselves as the First Line of Offense,” said Yadick. “Now, if you’ll pardon me, duty calls….there are people to protect, passengers to piss off, and women to grope…..ooookay, maybe a man or two too…hahahahahahha.”
From the “creators” of Southpaw Beagle, we wish all of our friends, and their respective families, the happiest of Thanksgivings….
…and for the following individuals….
Mitch McConnell, George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Willow Palin, Todd Palin, Eric Cantor, John Boehner, all Republican Reps from Texas, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Clarence Thomas’ wife, John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Michele Bachman, Gov. Rick Perry (Texas), Rep Steve King (Iowa), Tom Tancredo, Dick Armey, Freedom Works, Teabaggers everywhere, all religious nuts, Rand Paul, and a whole bunch of peckerwood asswipes who manage to make America a more unpleasant place to live than it otherwise would and should be…..we wish you a great big….. (please feel free to add more names to the list)
BROTHERS AND SISTERS…CAN AH HEAR-UH YOU SAY-UH JEEEEEEE-SUUUSSSSSSSS!!!!
Goo-lor-eh HALLELUJAH !! JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSUUUUUSSSSSSSS!!!! PRAISE THE LAWD!! LEMME HEARRR- YUH !!!!
(((LAWDY SING IT BROTHER))!!!
Why ah have a brother right hear-uh in the midst of his lovin’ brothers and sisters..SAY GLORY HALLELUJUH !!!
…and my sisters and brothers, your brother ah have in my midst is a-suffering…why lawdy he is a-sufferin’!
((AH LAWDY HE IS A-SUFFERIN’!!! LAWD HAVE MERCY))
…and he needs our prayers…..PRAISE THE LAWD!!
…For mah brother’s soul has been taken ovah….by the EEEEVIL SPIRIT…THE DEVIL!!!!
((GASP…THE DEVIL!!!! LAWDY!!!)))
…THE devil…… OF HUFFINGTON POST !!!!!…LAWD HAVE MERCY!!!
And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance…….oba ishi codroshodoba isha manarashabadada ishi coroshodobadaishi na ba ba ba rama ishi coroshodaba marishi noracoshodab ma ma ma rasha ishi coroshoda bab ba ba shoro mara ishi na nana!!!!
CAST YE ASIDE OH DEVIL OF HUFFINGTON POST !!! CAST YE ASIDE!!! SAY IT BROTHERS AND SISTERS…HEP CAST THIS UGLY HATEFUL DEMON SEED CALLED HUFFINGTON POST FROM THE BODY OF OUR BROTHER!!!! HALLELUJUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((((EEEEEIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! LAWDY !!!!!!))))
“You are safe now brother”….we have CAST THAT DEVIL ASIDE!!!
“Where am I?”
“You’re with your lovin’ brothers and sisters, brother. We have cast the devil aside”….can I get a GOOO-LOR-EE-UH HALLELUJUH!?!?!
“Why…..I no longer need fans.”
“Brother, did I hear-uh you right?! You no longer need fans???!!”
I NO LONGER NEED FANS!!!
PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIISEEEEEEE THE LAWD !!! HE NO LONGER NEEDS FANS!!! LEMME HEAR-UH YOU SAY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
MAH BROTHER IS FREEEEE-UH OF THAT DEVIL…THAT UGLY UGLY DEVIL OF HUFFINGTON POST!!! LAWD HAVE MERCY… ishi coroshodobadaishi na ba ba ba rama ishi coroshodaba marishi noracoshodab ma ma ma rasha ishi coroshoda bab ba ba shoro mara ishi na nana!!!!” REJOICE IN SONG MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS…REJOICE IN SONG !!!”
♫Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves;
Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!!!♫
….and so it came to pass….another soul saved by a power stronger than that addiction known as the Devil of Huffington Post…..a soul saved by THE Power…The Power…………………………………from Above. Praise the Lord….
There probably isn’t going to be an actual article here. I just posted this so that kj would have a cow.
Editor’s Note: kj doesn’t have cows. kj merely calls southpaw to account after he has had a few dozen outbursts that sound like this:
Hippie4ever recently (on these very pages, I’m proud to say), announced his permanent departure from Huffington Post as a commenter. This caused me to reflect on a subject that has been on my mind of late: why do people leave Huffington Post? And on a more personal note, why yours truly has lost interest in it (I have, by the way).
But I’d like to make it clear that this is not going to be a rant against Arianna or the moderators. This will be one man’s examination of, what I believe is, a noticeably diminished quality of a blog, or a blog that was a facade to begin with, that, with its continuous tinkering, has become the blog equivalent of Michael Jackson’s face: “tinkered” to the point that it, like Michael, has turned itself into a monster that is no longer iconic but rather emblematic of the overall deterioration of America around us. For me I found myself feeling increasingly bad with each visit to HP…unlike in the past when it was a rather pleasant experience. And why endeavor in something (when one has a choice) if it feels bad.
So why do people leave Huffington Post? Of course there are many simple answers to that question: they get bored, banned, or busy. All of those, of course, are valid. But judging by the exponential increase of people visiting here who have, simultaneously, either decreased their daily participation in HP visits or quit altogether, I have a different theory: people quit…..because they have outgrown Huffington Post.
Obviously the badges, “community pundit/moderator” designations, and all the rest of the whistle and bells crap HP has employed the last year, are annoying to many but they’ve done all of this for a reason: to serve as cover for a diminished and/or seriously flawed product….kind of like adding a boatload of MSG to crap Chinese buffet food to make it taste better than the dogshit that it really is. Or, have you ever noticed how those quickie payday loan places, that spring up like cancer in the downtrodden and gray neighborhoods of America, neighborhoods that so desperately need color in their lives, are always brightly painted with green and yellow and shine like a brand new penny? It’s to draw our most vulnerable in like ants at a picnic so that they may hand over their car title and/or first-born against 45 % interest in a happy place as opposed to handing it over to Vito, your friendly neighborhood loan shark, down by the docks. That’s what HP has become….just like every fucking thing else about America: just whistles and bells…and buttons, and badges, and rewards for being good…..and banishment for those who are bad. But at the end of the day what have you got? Not much more substance than that plate of Kung Pao chicken masquerading as food that you just wolfed down at the $5.95 all-you-can-eat buffet masquerading as Chinese cuisine. The only thing that makes HP worse than the brightly colored “loan shark” happy shops and the Chinese dog food buffets is that HP still poses as sophisticated because they got “you-know-who” at the helm (and what’s more sophisticated than a Greek siren who looks like she just walked off the yacht of Aristotle Onassis but actually talks as if she has a brain). But when you strip away all of the “sophistication”, all you really have is half-baked, terribly written, and poorly researched journalism (and believe me…it is poorly researched). The only reasons you don’t know more about the shoddy work of HP is 1.) Because no one seems to ever take the time to properly follow-up on their lack of quality beyond just commenting about it on HP threads which no one cares about anyway and, 2.) Because, since HP doesn’t ever take chances, their mistakes are mostly just written off as sloppy but nothing to ever get in a pinch about anymore than you would get in a pinch about a story on the front page of The National Star saying that Elvis is alive and well and living on Venus…except he now has three heads…which brings me back to “sophistication.”
You see, HP just PRETENDS to be sophisticated when they are really not much more than a blog version of that aforementioned check out counter rag. And like your friendly neighborhood payday loan shop, they use bright colors, whistles and bells, and sensationalism to draw in the most vulnerable. But the difference is, they allow you to enter their world as a user where you, essentially, become a blogosphere gossiper pretending to be part of something that is pretending to be sophisticated. When push comes to shove, HP just falls in line behind the mantra of everything else in the U.S: surface over substance, quantity over quality….and ready to change its respective stances and/or colors at the first sound of ((cha-ching))…and a lot of it.
I’ll admit that when I first started posting on HP a couple of years ago I thought I was surrounded by intellectualism. I thought, “I’m clearly out of my league.” It may have just been an initial impression on my part but then it did, indeed, seem like people who made comments daily were predominately politically astute, engaging, tolerant of others, and interesting. Now the predominance seems to be hysteria and knee-jerked silliness and immaturity in response to articles written for what seems to be for the sole purpose of eliciting hysteria, knee-jerked silliness, and immaturity.
I wonder sometimes, what would Hume Skeptic think if he were with us today? I figure if Hume were with us he would have long since left for greener pastures…or no pastures at all. He had already curbed his comments and his usage to practically nothing some six months ago before he died (hard to believe it’s been nearly six months already, huh?) And what comments he posted were usually designated for the wee hours of the morning on the smaller threads. My hunch with Hume is, he saw in HP, then, what I see now…a place that no longer takes itself seriously as a bastion of progressiveness (actually it never was….it just fooled a bunch of us into thinking it was) catering, instead, to those who don’t make waves, who don’t want to have real discourse, who don’t REALLY want to affect change, and those who don’t REALLY want to be funny and/or cutting edge. If you were really to take the time to examine the articles, content, and comments on HP (and all it would take to give it a thorough examination is about 30 minutes)….and then step back from it for a moment and try to visualize Hume as one of its users in the here and now, the thought of such a thing seems as surreal as Tom Delay as a dancer on “Dances with the Stars.”
No, what HP wants is to be a grisly accident on the side of the road (the more gore the better) that draws hundreds, if not thousands, of rubber-neckers to stare and stare because they can’t look away. And in the end those who stare will have had their cheap thrill…but when it’s all over they will still be left with that empty feeling inside. Sooner or later, some of us who stare finally get tired of doing so, realizing it’s always the same and we stop staring altogether. We’ve outgrown it…and we just move on.
As one of my hero’s, Hunter S. Thompson wrote (before strategic placement of a bullet to the brain…w/ help from a pistol):
“No more walking, no more swimming, no more fun. Sixty-seven. That’s 17 years past 50, 17 more than I wanted or needed. I’m always grumpy, all the time. No fun for anybody. Relax. This won’t hurt much.”
…relax everyone. Once you leave HP, and eventually you will…..it won’t hurt much. In fact, it will feel better not being the pawn of a project that simply has no heart, soul, or vision.
Justice shall prevail and we shall,
Once again, see him rise above this small setback because Joe is the
Essence of freedom and liberty and he shall, one day,
Inspire us again as we
Search for the perfect teabag with the primary
Objective of getting our country back before this great
Nation of ours succumbs to the
Freedom and liberty who
Country again and again which is
Killing the spirit of freedom in the most
Insidious way that
Not only keeps our country from being
Great but keeps us patriots from our
Undying desire to
Get our country back from the
Left and the socialists who hold it hostage which is why I implore you to say
YES ! to Joe who needs our
Support every step of the way so that we may, once again, have this
Outstanding and courageous man to lead us into the fight for our
Beliefs in truth, justice………and the American way. Hooah !
….but truth be told, ___ __ ___ _______ ____ ___
(fill in blanks with first letter of each line above)
South Paw Beagle’s Decision Points on “Decision Points”
Point # 1: I hate George W. Bush’s guts
Point # 2: He’s a stone cold liar and coward
Point # 3: Look up “chickenhawk” (or “coward”, “ratfuck”, “dickwad”, “christianpussy”, or “cockless”) in the dictionary and you’ll find a picture of Bush
Point # 4: He’s the most divisive President since Ulysses S. Grant
Point # 5: He wanted to end the remaining lifeline for millions of Americans: Social Security
Point # 6: By any objective definition, he is a war criminal
Point # 7: The only contribution he made to his fucked-up, pack of lies book is he stood still long enough for someone to take a snap shot of his ugly, peckerwood ass and slap it on the front in all of its frat-boy ugliness
Point # 8: He’s the quintessential example of “Texas mean”: which, by definition, is a phony cowboy, cocksucker who is arrogant and wealthy and likes to talk with a phony drawl and loves anything and everything that is cruel…to include inflicting as much death and pain on as many people as possible
Point # 9: Despite his so-called religiousity, this drunken savage is one of the cruelest men to have served in government in U.S. history
Point # 10: This Texas piece of shit, scoundrel has used patriotism, religion, and freedom as refuges better than any scoundrel before him; Whatever remained genuine about patriotism, religion, and freedom has been trampled upon and stripped of its remaining meaning by George W. Bush
Point #11: I’d rather have my nuts run through a coffee grinder than spend one fucking cent on his “book.” If I were to ever touch it, I would feel compelled to wash the stench off of my hands for a week
Point # 12: Did I mention I hate George W. Bush’s guts?”
I welcome your thoughts……..
In his new book, “Decision Points,” the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush, reveals that allowing himself to be cornholed up the rump by Karl Rove only once instead of repeatedly was probably his greatest regret. He says that the infamous Katrina photo of him looking like a boob at the destruction in the southern Gulf region from the window of Air Force One was a distant second in terms of regret.
In an exclusive interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News, Bush talked more about his main regret and cornholing in general.
“Chris, I don’t regret Iraq. I don’t regret not catching Osama Bin Laden. I don’t regret wanting to gut Social Security or cutting taxes for my rich friends and millions of other rich people. I don’t regret condoning torture. I don’t regret illegal wiretapping millions of Americans. I don’t regret making this great country of ours the most divisive it’s been since the Civil War. And I don’t regret our slow response to a pack of malcontented blacks in New Orleans who had to put up with a little flooding. I’d tell them the same thing I told Carla Faye Tucker in Texas before I had her put down like a dog….BOO HOO! But I do regret only being cornholed once by Karl.”
“Mr. President…let me get this straight….are you saying not getting cornholed up the rump by Karl Rove as much as you would have liked is a greater regret than the fucked-up and inhumane way you handled Katrina or the fabrication of weapons of mass destruction in order to invade a sovereign country so you could appear to be more of a man than your unmanly father ?” asked Wallace.
“Yes. You know Chris…there are only a few things I would do over if I could turn back the clock and….”
“…and if you could turn back the clock you would not invade Iraq based on lies and bullshit?” interrupted Wallace…
“No, I wouldn’t change anything in how I handled Iraq. I was going to say, if I could turn back the clock I would have spent much more intimate time with Karl. We were always so busy that I never really took the time to show Karl how much I liked the reach around. After that one time….the night we were celebrating my decision to invade Iraq, Karl and I had been drinking and he was sitting close to me and I close to him and he placed his hand on my leg and then one thing led to another and it was the most joyous experience in my life. Later we showered together…..and that’s when he took me up the rump.”
“Mr. President…this is a HUGE revelation!” exclaimed a stunned Wallace
“Well….Karl’s not exactly what I would call huge Chris….more like a weapon of very minor destruction….very, very minor. But as I used to say when I was Texas Governor…..it may be small, but so is dynamite…get it?”
“I get it Mr. President. But when I said ‘HUGE’ I was talking about the news of your having had sex with Karl Rove.”
“….and if you want any more details on that Chris I’ll tell you the same thing I’d tell anyone. ‘Decisions Points’ will be on sale at Barnes and Noble starting tomorrow for $29.95.”
Open Forum question: What do YOU think should be Bush’s greatest regret, among many…..being directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of U.S. service members and tens of thousands of innocent civilians in the Middle East, or not taking the time to allow Karl Rove to perfect the reach around with him? Or is it something else?
Your opinion counts…..