A recent nationwide U.S. News and World Report poll shows up to 90 percent of American men are now considered pussies.
“We were pretty stunned by those stats,” said Claude Balls, America’s foremost American man pussy watcher. We always thought the 75 percent level of pussy men in America in 1985 during the heyday of the Moral Majority of Jerry Falwell would be the highest we would ever reach. In fact, there’s been a steady tapering off since those days…up until recently when the numbers began to sky rocket again.”
And based on the answers received from questions asked during the nationwide poll, those high numbers may be here to stay. Some of the questions asked:
1.) Do you accept the lord Jesus Christ as your savior? 89.7 percent of adult American males answered in the affirmative, all of them pussies.
2.) Do you really want to go to church on Sunday or does your wife make you? 92 percent of church-going respondents said they really want to go to church. Four percent said they go because their wives make them go and that they would rather stay home and masturbate to Internet porn. 25 percent of the 92 percent who said they want to go to church on Sunday’s were lying based on scientific detection of lies based on non-verbals to include facial tics. “The 25 percent who were lying would most likely contain the highest percentage of your non-pussies based on the fact that they really don’t want to go to church,” said Balls. “The remainder who actually want to go to church have the greatest propensity to be pussies simply because they WANT to go to church,” added Balls.
3.) Do you have a bumper sticker on your car that says, “Real Men Love Jesus” and/or do you attend meetings of the “Mighty Men of God”? Anyone answering “yes” to either of these questions is a pussy. 100 percent of pussies polled stated they associate Christianity with masculinity.
Their penises become mighty when they contemplate Levi Johnston in skimpy clothes
4.) At church, do you close your eyes and hold your quivering hands up in the air and sway back and forth during prayer or song? 94.5 of church-goers polled answered “yes.” “100 percent of white men answering this question in the affirmative are pussies,” said Balls.
5.) At church, do you act engaged in the service while non-stop fantasizing about fucking every woman you see to include every wife in the joint? In this case, the 2 percent of those who answered “yes” are not pussies. The 98 percent of heterosexual men who answered “no” are both shamefaced liars and pussies.
"The biggest pussies by far are the ones who are boning the wife of a fellow church member and driving around town with one of these plastered on their rear bumper," said Balls.
6.) Are you a member of or sympathetic to the Tea Party? 68 percent of those questioned answered in the affirmative and are, therefore, pussies.
The Pussy in the Hat
8.) Do you bash gays any chance you get but feel your penis move upwards when looking at Levi Johnston in skimpy clothing? 100 percent answered “no” but, according to Balls, at least 30 percent are lying. These 30 percent are not necessarily gay, but are definitely struggling with their sexuality and have dealt with it by ratcheting up on church attendance–some weeks, up to three times per week which is perhaps the greatest indicator of all that they are pussies.
"Pussy-barometer, Levi Johnston is, himself, no pussy," says Balls. "In fact," he adds, "if you hate Sarah Palin or if she hates you, there is a better than 85% chance you are not a pussy."
9.) How long have you been a Republican or Independent? Balls says, those who answered all their lives are not necessarily pussies….but said anyone who answered that they have become Republicans or Independents only recently, or since Sarah Palin came onto the scene, or have changed parties within the last two years from Democrat to Republican or Independent, are definitely pussies.
Joe Lieberman, in a pussy class all of his own
10.) After church on Sunday, do you ever go to Cracker Barrel, Old Country Buffet, Shoney’s, or any other popular brunch place? 97.3 of church-going respondents answered “yes” to this question. But Balls said that simply going to all those places is not necessarily an indicator of a man being a pussy or not. Balls said, what makes a man a pussy is not actually attending post-church Sunday brunch….but the act of hanging around on the porch of the restaurant (in rocking chairs at Cracker Barrel), or in the parking lot in your Sunday clothes standing around with people you don’t necessarily like but making pussy small talk for the better part of 30 minutes as if such an undertaking is important. “That is precisely the part that makes the respondent a pussy,” said Balls. “And 100 percent of those who responded that they DO go to Sunday brunch also said that they hang around afterwards and make small talk with other people.”
Pussy relaxing with family after Sunday morning of closing eyes, holding quivering hands up in the air, swaying back and forth, and fantasizing about fucking other church goers' wives
“This is an alarming trend,” said Balls. “The increase of men becoming pussies in America has risen exponentially since 9-11. Pre-9-11, stats were right around 62 percent of men in America were regarded as pussies. Now, as I mentioned earlier, around 90 percent of American men are now regarded as card-carrying pussies.”
Apparently this poll has even gotten the attention of President Obama who, on Monday, announced that he is proposing a panel to study this upward trend. “We’re calling this the Pussy Panel and it will be patterned similar to the 9-11 panel. If we don’t turn this alarming trend around we risk having a nation of nothing but pasty-white, waffling, back-stabbing, love-handled, vacillating, indecisive, all-talk and no action pussy men.”
The U.S. News and World Report polled showed the highest concentration of pussy men are in the following regions:
1.) Washington D.C. : 100 %
2.) South Carolina: 99.8 %
3.) Utah: 99.6
4.) Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Georgia, and Florida tied at 99.5
The Pussy Panel has proposed a new national flower for America. "The rose, which is the current national flower, is so 20th-century," opined Balls.