The results of a two-year long research study at Duke University has determined what many suspected already: Republican men are fat, ugly, pasty white, love-handled Christian pussies.
“This was a difficult empirical study in some respects and easy in others,” said Dr. Barry McDikkin who led the research project. “The most difficult part was the correlation between the characteristics of ‘ugly’ and ‘Christians’ simply because some of the hundreds of Republicans that we used in our experimental design of statistical analysis were not necessarily as ugly as others which is where our problem with reliability and validity came into play. In other words, not all of our Republican subjects were necessarily ugly per se…but we found that all of our ugly Republicans were, indeed, all Christians.”
“However,” went on Dr. McDikkin, “we also found that there was an extremely reliable correlation between Republican Christians and pussies. Nearly 100 percent of our Republican subjects who were Christians were also pussies,” he said.
Asked how he knew they were pussies, Dr. McDikkin explained that under intense questioning, nearly all subjects admitted that they were sniveling, whining weasels who would fuck over even their best friends and family to get ahead…but were completely devoted to Christ as their savior but only in the most hypocritical fashion.
“The common denominator between all Republican Christian pussies is, without question, hypocrisy,” said McDikkin. “Every single one of these men claimed a total devotion to Christ as their savior yet all of them, based on their answers to questioning, were remarkably susceptible to lying, manipulation, adultery, dabbling in child pornography, sexual abuse of anyone and anything they come in contact with, and generally just fucking everyone over who happens to cross their collective paths.”
Asked who inspired this long and costly experiment, McDikkin said the entire premise of the experiment was based on the granddaddy of fat, love-handled, ugly, pasty white, Christian Republican pussies, Newt Gingrich.
“Obviously Newt Gingrich is who we used as a basis of our experiment,” acknowledged McDikkin. “I mean, who else is as disgustingly fat, pasty-white, love-handled, and as much of a Christian pussy as he is? He is indeed the quintessential ugly, fat, pasty-white, love-handled, Republican Christian pussy,” said McDikkin.