Stunning news today revealed that Rand Paul was an habitual pot smoker while in college and was involved in an abduction ring responsible for forcing unsuspecting females into taking bong hits that they otherwise would not have taken.
Ed "Burnout" Stankowitz (right)
“We called Rand ‘Bong-go boy’…that’s how much he was into bongs,” said Paul roommate, Ed “Burnout” Stankowitz. “I smoked a lot of pot during college and I admit that. Thanks to pot my GPA was right around 1.2…for the classes I completed. But next to Rand I was like Mary Poppins. I could only stand to live with him for one semester. The fucking room was just too smoky….even for me….not to mention that Rand’s socks smelled like shit most of the time.”
Rand champions bong hits for kids
“Anyway, Rand had a reputation for abducting chicks on campus…those who were stupid or desperate enough to hang with geeks like him or me….and he’d take them back to his room and force them to take bong hits. I had a feeling Rand would be a famous right-winger some day so I left my reel-to-reel tape recorder and a microphone going one night and was able to capture the conversation that he had with one of his bong victims. This is what I turned over to G.Q. Magazine”:
“Come on baby….it’s just a bong full of magic grass….and if you smoke it, Rand promises it’ll make you feel groooovy.”
“But Jesus says smoking stuff from bongs is sinful and I don’t know you all that well.”
Chastity Wojohowitz, one of possibly hundreds of college students that Paul forced to take bong hits
“Jesus dug grass baby….he loved lighting up. Just one little hit baby and the stars will shine bright for you….one little bong hit and things will be groovy and you can make the scene like me baby, I swear.”
“Oh I don’t know, Rand.”
“You see my groovy hair baby….this is what a bong hit will do for you…it’ll make you feel so far out, groovy and high that even your HAIR will stand up and dig the scene!”
“Are you sure Rand?”
“Absolutely baby…..if I’m I’m lying, I swear that I will no longer be a liberal, free-thinking, enlightened young man who digs bong hits and aspires to be a burnout and I swear I will, instead, become a magical thinking bizzaro-dude who aspires to do crazy things and lead a ridiculous movement of people who dress like Paul Revere and wear teabags taped to their heads and wants to do away with civil rights for black people, wants to fuck over Social Security, and wants to cut taxes for the rich. Deal baby?”
“Well okay Rand….I trust you…..just one little bong hit.”
"Two bongs is all I ever owned," maintains Paul. "More like 200," says Stankowitz
“Great baby…now let’s get down and git groooooovy….and then you can get down on my libertarian love muscle.”
“Ohhhhh Rand…..”
“Dig it baby….just keep on digging that scene and wrap those firm lips around that bong and suuuuuuuck and then wrap em around my long bong silver and suck like you’re doing the scene baby…groooooovy.”
Lying about bong hits being good for you has led to a transformed Rand Paul of the 21st Century
Rand's wife, Sarah Palin-Paul, has led him to a life of righteousness which includes Christian and Nazi ideology
What’s that thang around Mrs. Palin-Paul’s neck??
OMG! It’s part of the sign she had torn down!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/32527116@N06/4875957460/
It’s the wrong color for a pearl necklace.
““Great baby…now let’s get down and git groooooovy….and then you can get down on my libertarian love muscle””
**********
I can’t quit laughing! Color me dead-ass tired and a little bit tipsy, but that is straight-up hilarious!
P.S. I thought I was the only one left who said, “Fuck ME!!” ( “ME” is a 2 syllable word, in this instance), and I absolutely adore beagles (my bestest friend as a child was an old beagle named “Queenie”).
I so very much appreciate you, LTTL. You lift my spirits
Thanks, friend!
thanks my friend. I’m glad you come here
Baby, bong sexual imagery is for amateurs. I want to play you like JJ Johnson played a trombone
Woah.
No muses needed for you.
You got the music in you.
Gordita loves to make Southpaw blush.
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!
Bravo, dawg!
Rand looks good in that mustache.
Fuck, you are just plain old-fashioned funny.
You have no idea how pleased I am to know your absolutely stupid legal troubles are behind you and you are back in your stride.
I knew that the moment someone read your work, someone of any brain at all, they’d fast conclude… “how the fuck can we really press this as subversive or dangerous? It’s satire and I just laughed at that Sarah pic. Look at what a skank she is, hahahahah.”
You’re funny. Effortlessly so.
The HP is a veritable shithole now, as you are surely aware.
The only reason to be there now is the people, who remain awesome.
Hope you’re well. Thanks for the lols. Love you buddy!
backatcha my friend. Hope you’re well as well. Thank you so much (from the bottom of my heart) for all of your moral support and wonderful words. I hope, one day, I can return your graciousness.
Don,
I think Hume’s passing had us all asking the same questions.
What does it mean to befriend people online, anonymously? How far can such a friendship be pressed? You set out to talk about some of those issues in your breathtaking memorial to Hume. It was the perfect setting for those kinds of things to be talked about. That was going through my mind and I saw people asking it here and at HP.
I’ve been about those sorts of things for a while but Hume’s passing had me in tears. That grief was real and I didn’t have to download it or get it through a firewall. I felt silly at first. I thought, I don’t even know this man’s real name.
Then I realized something. My mother’s had four surnames in her life, one from birth, two from marriage and one legal surname change. What’s her REAL name exactly? Does it actually matter what we call a person, or what they would like us to call them? It took a moment to think through all this, to conclude that I was okay with just sitting around crying and not knowing who he was away from HP because it wasn’t like I had a whole lot of choice about my reactions.
It just hit me like a brick to the face and I suspect that was a common thing, to feel grief first and then to have to rationalize it as a secondary thing.
I guess where I’m going with this is to say, you know, there are some wonderful people on HP. I’ve made a lot of friends and many mean a lot more to me than did Hume. I’m not able to control that either. It’s just natural to feel affinity for some people. Mostly I think that’s common values.
You have served our nation and, in a way, I think you’re still serving. Still fighting for a saner America with everything you have, launching broadsides against the insanity with creative humor, insight and charm. It takes guts to do that and persist when a lot of people try to tear you down. We’ve all seen them doing it.
So you’ve more than repaid me for any moral support I ever gave you. You’re my friend and I look forward to many more years of laughter.
Keep up the good work!
LTTL (Southpaw) is charmingly unaware of just how distinct his voice is. He is, in a word, brilliant. Like you, I feel enriched by his devastatingly funny commentary.
Exactly right. His voice is absolutely distinct. You just can’t fake originality.
And yep, I do feel enriched and more empowered too. Laughing is empowering. It keeps me more centered and able to deal with all the crazies that much better. I suspect I’m not the Lone Ranger there.
Love you my friend
Love you too, beagle.
Rand Paul’s hair scares my hair.
Keep it up, Dogworth!
Rand Paul’s hair is jealous of your hair…and so it should be.
Hey Lefty, what’s this about legal troubles?
I tried to warn you months ago. I said “When they come and lock you up, can I have all your shit?” or something to that effect.
Seriously, do a column about it. Name names.
you’re too cool my friend. But no sweat….I’m okay. You know us military folk….we’re survivors
I definitely wouldn’t want you writing about me!
I think Rand Paul is proof positive that smoking dope gives you weird hair!
Pauls’ hair is store-bought hair—-we can’t blame that on dubage…it just could not improve his genetics…!
HP sucks, can I hang out here sometime?
absolutely !! Here you are ALWAYS welcome my friend
Lefty, you’re one of a kind!! Bravo..