Monthly Archives: August 2010

Famous Republican Men with Small Penises

Posted on August 22, 2010 by | 11 Comments

Some of the most powerful Republican men in Washington have somehow managed to rise to unprecedented heights of power despite having tiny penises which in and of itself is unprecedented.

“It is unprecedented,” said penis expert, Dr. Mike Oxsbig,  author of the book Big Men, Little Dicks, “that these famous men who are all-powerful could rise to such power with little or no penis.  In my many years of research and studies, I’ve found that most powerful men have a good size on em….all but Republican men who nearly 100 percent of the time have a serious size deficit that seems at odds with the power that they wield.”

Dr. Mike Oxsbig, author of "Big Men....Little Dicks"

“Are you at liberty to name names Dr. Oxsbig?” asked Southpaw

“Of course I am,” said Dr. Oxsbig.

“Aren’t you afraid of being sued?”

“Why would I be?….It’s pretty common knowledge that these Republican men have little dicks that offer no pleasure except to Mary Fivefingers, Palmala Handerson, or Anita Handjob.  Besides, all of them are divulged in my book, Big Men, Little Dicks.”

“Well?”

“Okay….here goes…..in categories starting with under four inches but larger than three… hard:  Jon Kyl, John Cornyn, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, Paul Ryun, Kit Bond, Kay Bailey Hutchinson……

“Wait a minute!!  She’s a woman!!!”

“So say some….  May I continue?”

“Yes…please”

…under four inches but larger than three….hard….Trent Franks, John Thune, James Inhofe, Tom Coburn, Phil Gingrey, Jack Kingston, Dan Burton, and Pat Roberts.”

“In the category of under three inches, which means anywhere from three inches to less than one…” :  John Boehner, Todd Palin, Mitch McConnell,  Joe Barton, Louie Gohmert , John Ensign, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Larry Craig (disclaimer: Larry has been known to get up to four inches with a member of same-sex), Tom Delay (former Rep. of Texas….but still has less than three-inch pecker), Jeff Sessions, David Vitter, Tom Price, Mike Pence, Mark Souder, Steve King, Thaddeus McCotter, Roy Blunt, Joe Wilson, John Culberson, Lamar Smith, Jeb Hensarling, Jim DeMint, Sam Brownback, Newt Gingrich, Joe the Plumber,  Saxby Chambliss, GWB, Jeb Bush, and Dick Cheney.”

“Do all powerful Washington Democrats have big dicks then,” asked Southpaw.

“All but two,’ said Dr. Oxsbig.  “Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman who fall somewhere in between the two aforementioned categories.”

Big Men, Little Dicks goes on sale this coming weekend at Borders, Barnes and Noble, and Books a Million.

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Posted in Pussy Politicians

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Study Shows that Republican Men Are Fat, Ugly, Pasty-White, Love-Handled, Christian Pussies

Posted on August 21, 2010 by | 19 Comments

The results of a two-year long research study at Duke University has determined what many suspected already:  Republican men are fat, ugly, pasty white, love-handled Christian pussies.

Hugh Janus, a fat Republican Christian pussy washed out of the Duke experiment after only one week because of excessive masturbation to the lingerie section of Sears catalogs

“This was a difficult empirical study in some respects and easy in others,”  said Dr. Barry McDikkin who led the research project.  “The most difficult part was the correlation between the characteristics of ‘ugly’ and ‘Christians’ simply because some of the hundreds of Republicans that we used in our experimental design of statistical analysis were not necessarily as ugly as others which is where our problem with reliability and validity came into play.   In other words, not all of our Republican subjects were necessarily ugly per se…but we found that all of our ugly Republicans were, indeed, all Christians.”

Cox Ucker, a bald-headed Christian pussy, was one of hundreds of pasty white Republican men who participated in the Duke University study

“However,” went on Dr. McDikkin, “we also found that there was an extremely reliable correlation between Republican Christians and pussies.  Nearly 100 percent of our Republican subjects who were Christians were also pussies,” he said.

Luke Atmadick, is accompanied to the experimental location at Duke University by his domineering Christian wife who threatened to sit on his face if he did not participate in the experiment for which he earned $10 per hour

Asked how he knew they were pussies, Dr. McDikkin explained that under intense questioning, nearly all subjects admitted that they were sniveling, whining weasels who would fuck over even their best friends and family to get ahead…but were completely devoted to Christ as their savior but only in the most hypocritical fashion.

The father of fat, Republican, Christian pussies, Jerry Falwell

“The common denominator between all Republican Christian pussies is, without question, hypocrisy,” said McDikkin.  “Every single one of these men claimed a total devotion to Christ as their savior yet all of them, based on their answers to questioning, were remarkably susceptible to lying, manipulation, adultery, dabbling in child pornography, sexual abuse of anyone and anything they come in contact with, and generally just fucking everyone over who happens to cross their collective paths.”

Pete O. File, turned out to be the best subject of the entire experiment simply because he was not only a Christian pussy but, to those who knew him, a pussy hound

Asked who inspired this long and costly experiment, McDikkin said the entire premise of the experiment was based on the granddaddy of fat, love-handled, ugly, pasty white, Christian Republican pussies, Newt Gingrich.

“Obviously Newt Gingrich is who we used as a basis of our experiment,” acknowledged McDikkin.  “I mean, who else is as disgustingly fat, pasty-white, love-handled, and as much of a  Christian pussy as he is?  He is indeed the quintessential ugly, fat, pasty-white, love-handled, Republican Christian pussy,” said McDikkin.

The fattest Christian pussy of em all, Newt Gingrich

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Posted in Pussy Politicians, Religion Crucified

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Joe the Plumber to Play Curly in “Three Stooges….The Movie”

Posted on August 15, 2010 by | 4 Comments

Finally the perfect role for Joe the Plumber as  idiot, Curly, in the upcoming movie version of “The Three Stooges.”

The Plumber is perplexed about his role as Curly

The original Curly would be proud to know that The Plumber is carrying on his legacy

“We were looking for the dumbest fucker we could find who was famous and without question this is the first guy everyone thought of,” said casting director, Hugh E. Rection.  “And he’s already BALD!!!! Can you believe the luck?”

Casting director, Hugh E. Rection

“When we heard him go  (((woo woo woo woo woo woo!!!!!))) we knew….this is the guy.  Plus, we had one of our stunt guys clobber him over the head with a frying pan, a baseball bat, and a bunch of other stuff and all he did was whine just like Curly.  One of our guys even brained him with a hammer when he wasn’t looking and he barely flinched.  I tell you, this plumber guy must have a cast-iron head….either that, or he’s just too fucking stupid to notice when you  knock him senseless.”

The Originals

Kentucky Senate candidate and Ku Klux Klan executive, Rand Paul, has been cast to play the part of Curly’s curly-haired, and thick-headed brother, Larry.  Arizona Senator Jon Kyl will play the part of the more serious, but equally thick-headed, brother of the threesome, Moe.

Rand Paul's high hair helped earn him the role as "Larry"

Kyl will play the authoritative but equally stupid "Moe"

“Once again, we were just lucky to be able to snag a guy who already had the hair for the part,” said Rection, referring to Rand Paul playing the part of Larry. “Not to mention that these three have just taken to each other….especially Rand and Joe. When we’re not filming they’ve just been inseparable.  As a matter of fact, they’re together right now in their trailer right over there.  They’ve been in there for the better part of an hour.”

“Why is the trailer rocking?” asked Southpaw.

“I’ve no idea,” said Rection, “but that’s not the first time we’ve seen that and we really need someone to look into it.  I’ll get someone from maintenance over here right away to check it out.”

More than 300 people auditioned for the parts of Moe, Larry, and Curly for the movie version of “The Three Stooges” and according to Erection, the selection process really boiled down to one criteria only…..how well the three actors could take repeated blows to the head from objects like hammers, baseball bats, and crowbars.

“We knew Kyl, Paul, and Plumber were perfect to be on the big screen together when the three of them spent like a half hour together just  beating the living shit out of each other.  It didn’t seem to phase them.”

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Rand Paul…Pot Head

Posted on August 9, 2010 by | 27 Comments

Stunning news today revealed that Rand Paul was an habitual pot smoker while in college and  was involved in an abduction ring responsible for forcing unsuspecting females into taking bong hits that they otherwise would not have taken.

Ed "Burnout" Stankowitz (right)

“We called Rand ‘Bong-go boy’…that’s how much he was into bongs,” said Paul roommate, Ed “Burnout” Stankowitz.  “I smoked a lot of pot during college and I admit that.  Thanks to pot my GPA was right around 1.2…for the classes I completed.  But next to Rand I was like Mary Poppins.  I could only stand to live with him for one semester.  The fucking room was just too smoky….even for me….not to mention that Rand’s socks smelled like shit most of the time.”

Rand champions bong hits for kids

“Anyway, Rand had a reputation for abducting chicks on campus…those who were stupid or desperate enough to hang with geeks like him or me….and he’d take them back to his room and force them to take bong hits.  I had a feeling Rand would be a famous right-winger some day so I left my reel-to-reel tape recorder and a microphone going one night and was able to capture the conversation that he had with one of his bong victims.  This is what I turned over to G.Q. Magazine”:

“Come on baby….it’s just a bong full of magic grass….and if you smoke it, Rand promises it’ll make you feel groooovy.”

“But Jesus says smoking stuff from bongs is sinful and I don’t know you all that well.”

Chastity Wojohowitz, one of possibly hundreds of college students that Paul forced to take bong hits

“Jesus dug grass baby….he loved lighting up.  Just one little hit baby and the stars will shine bright for you….one little bong hit and things will be groovy and you can make the scene like me baby, I swear.”

“Oh I don’t know, Rand.”

“You see my groovy hair baby….this is what a bong hit will do for you…it’ll make you feel so far out, groovy and high that even your HAIR will stand up and dig the scene!”

“Are you sure Rand?”

“Absolutely baby…..if I’m I’m lying, I swear that I will no longer be a liberal, free-thinking, enlightened young man who digs bong hits and aspires to be a burnout and I swear I will, instead, become a magical thinking bizzaro-dude who aspires to do crazy things and lead a ridiculous movement of people who dress like Paul Revere and wear teabags taped to their heads and wants to do away with civil rights for black people, wants to fuck over Social Security, and wants to cut taxes for the rich. Deal baby?”

“Well okay Rand….I trust you…..just one little bong hit.”

"Two bongs is all I ever owned," maintains Paul. "More like 200," says Stankowitz

“Great baby…now let’s get down and git groooooovy….and then you can get down on my libertarian love muscle.”

“Ohhhhh Rand…..”

“Dig it baby….just keep on digging that scene and wrap those firm lips around that bong and suuuuuuuck and then wrap em around my long bong silver and suck like you’re doing the scene baby…groooooovy.”

“Anyhow, that’s the way it went,” said Stankowitz.  “And you can see what happened.  Because Rand lied to this unsuspecting abductee….and probably many, many more, it turned her into a bong addict…..and because Rand lied he turned into a right-wing nutjob.  Can’t you see that this is what grass and bongs does to our society,” Stankowitz went on philosophically.

Lying about bong hits being good for you has led to a transformed Rand Paul of the 21st Century

Rand's wife, Sarah Palin-Paul, has led him to a life of righteousness which includes Christian and Nazi ideology

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth, Teabaggers and Birthers are Dumbshits

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Lou Dobbs Finds Out his Wife is Mexican….Demands a Divorce

Posted on August 4, 2010 by | 8 Comments

Former CNN business reporter, Klan member, and avowed white supremacist, Lou Dobbs, found out today that his wife of 40  years, Lourdes Mercedes Alonzo Gutierrez-Dobbs, whom he met in Mexico City in 1969 and married in a Catholic Mexican ceremony in 1970 is, indeed, Mexican and upon learning of such news demanded a divorce.

Lou Dobbs at his wedding in Mexico City in 1970. “I had no idea what I was getting into”

“I had no idea Lourdes  was Mexican.  But I can’t remain married to someone who has deceived me so,” said Dobbs.  “It would fly against my fundamental belief that anyone from south of the border should be deported immediately.”

Lourdes Mercedes Alonzo Gutierrez-Dobbs during happier times

Dobbs added that there should be no exception made to those, such as his wife, who has been an American citizen for more than 35 years.   As for his six grown sons, Jose, Jaime, Jesus, Jorge,  Jimenez, and Faustino, Dobbs said he was disowning all of them immediately given their deception.

“I had no idea their names were Hispanic when Lourdes chose them,” said Dobbs.  “If I had known that, I would have named them Joe, James, Jesus (not pronounced “Hay-Zeus”), George, Jimbo, and Frosty.”

Mr. Dobbs said he will continue stay devoted to the cause of xenophobia in America and added that he’s already involved in another relationship with a woman he met while he was recently vacationing in Bucharest, Romania, Ruxandra Răsescu who Dobbs met at a night spot and who, unbeknownst to Dobbs is also not an American citizen.

Dobbs will marry “American,” Ruxandra Răsescu in Bucherest

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Sarah Palin to Speak at Next Big Klan Rally

Posted on August 1, 2010 by | 32 Comments

Despite possible negative implications, Sarah Palin agreed today to speak at the next major rally of the Ku Klux Klan.

“We’re proud to have her,” said Don Black, National Cyclops of United Klans of America regarding the Klan’s national rally to be held at a large, undisclosed field in Alabama (Hank Smither’s field behind his barn in Ash Flat, Alabama) on a undisclosed date and time (August 15th at 8 p.m.).  “And we know her views about black people pretty much mirror ours because me and some of the boys were up in her state a few years back and we saw nary a single colored face up there.  We figure that Ms. Palin must’ve been doing her job as Governor.”

Sarah's welcoming party is being prepared as we speak in an array of lively and colorful outfits

For her part, Ms. Palin had no comment other than that which came from her publicist.  “Hey, it’s 50 grand,” said Amanda Poker.  “We know this group has good Christian, conservative, family values…and I can speak for Sarah in saying that’s all that matters to us and her.”

“But you DO know the Klan’s history, right?” I asked Ms. Poker.

“Regarding???”

“Regarding their history of lynching black people, hatred of all things black, Jew, Hispanic, and ethnic in general.  You DID do your research, right?”

When shown this photo Ms. Palin's reaction was, "awwwww"

“Not really,” said Ms. Poker.  “Lynchings you said?  What, recently?….because if it happened recently we don’t really want any part of that. In fact, we may have to increase our fee.”

“No, not recently as far as we know,” said Southpaw, “but does the fact that lynchings, one of the most heinous civil rights violations in history, happened recently or not REALLY make a difference, particularly if this group is still a proponent of hate and racism and this group has never once taken responsibility for its hate crimes some of which took place as late as the 1980′s?”

“I’m sorry, can you run that question by me again….I was on my Blackberry,” said Ms. Poker.  “Your questions are a bit complicated.  Why don’t you just ask me if Ms. Palin is proud to be an American and proud to speak before a group of red, white, and blue patriotic Americans?”

"Sarah believes this outfit is best for groups with somewhat controversial histories," said Ms. Poker

“Okay….is Ms. Palin proud to be an American and proud to speak before a group of red, white, and blue patriotic Americans?”

“Why of course.  Ms. Palin loves this country and wants to speak out against those, like President Obama, who don’t and those Americans who are supporters of socialism and communism like Nancy Pelosi.  Ms. Palin only speaks before groups who are as America-loving and as patriotically Christian as she is. “

Ms. Palin and Todd will reach out to anyone so long as they're America-loving Christians like them....and they're handing over 50K or more

“Like the Ku Klux Klan”

“Yes, just like the Ku Klux Klan. Now, if you’ll excuse me we have a lot of preparation to make for this rally event.  Apparently the leaders of this group want Ms. Palin to take part in a ceremonial cross burning which she has never had the pleasure of doing before.  We find such a gesture even more patriotic and Christian than usual as well as unique and enlightening, no pun intended, and we look forward to the opportunity to partake in such an event.”

If time permits, Sarah hopes to help light both the cross and the symbol on the right side of photo

This well known minister will make a surprise and unannounced visit to the rally

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Posted in Nailin' Palin, Religion Crucified

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