Dedication: These Chronicles have been dedicated to the three former members of the SPB staff who lost their lives in the pursuit of this story.
Prelude: After GWB left office we asked a renowned physician to have a thought transponder microscopically placed in George W. Bush’s brain (once the physician could find it) to enable only us, with the use of a transponding flux capacitating receiving device, to hear the thoughts of Bush. Our physician, who asked that his identity not be disclosed, agreed to do this unbeknownst to Bush and, for the first time ever, after hundreds of exhaustive hours listening and transcribing Bush’s thoughts….we are proud to present them for the first time ever here, on Southpawbeagle.
Editor’s Note: To differentiate between George W. Bush’s thoughts and “real-time” conversation between Bush and friends and family take note of the following symbols:
Bush’s thoughts are designated by the following symbols: ((( )))
Bush’s “real-time” conversations, as well as Bush’s writings, will be designated by quotations marks
Southpaw narration: no symbols
….and now, my friends, I bring you: The Chronicles of the Mind of George W. Bush:
Chap I: My God I wish I had married another woman.….
“GEORGE..!!!! Can you put down your memoirs for a little bit and come to lunch????”
“OKAY!!! In a minute Laura….I’m just wrapping up Chap I”
Chap I had been particularly troublesome for “W”….possibly because he had been traumatized by his eight year Presidency….but more likely because he was simply a brainless fuckhead who couldn’t write for shit anymore than he could do anything else. Nevertheless….he tried….to make yet another lame, post-Presidential set of memoirs more than just another boring, pointless rewriting of history. He, however, was failing miserably…
“And so it was on that fateful day of Sept 11, 2001, that I would meet my chosen destiny….to be a hero to the American people and, perhaps, the greatest President to ever live simply because I….”
“GEORGE!!!! YOUR LUNCH IS GETTING COLD!!!!”
(((my god how I hate her…how I’ve always hated her. Boring, schoolmarmish do-gooder. The places I could have gone without having this human library book anchored to me. One day I will be free of her…..even if it means I have to have her ki… )))
“GEORGE…for the last time…LUNCH!!!!!!!”
(((Now Palin…that’s someone who could have rocked my world…..good looking chick, cold, cunning, calculating, heartless……my kind of woman. She can jump into my flight suit any day of the week. She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch….a golf ball through a garden hose…..why that mouth of her could have played beautiful music on my gristle whistle. What I would NOT DO to trade her for Laura right this minute. That Palin chick sure as shit wouldn’t have me in here writing my stupid-ass memoirs. And speaking of my memoirs….what bullshit. It’s amazing that dumbshit Americans by the millions will shell out 24.95 for me to sell this patriotic horseshit. I love this line: “Our mission was to the protect the American people. And I, as Commander in Chief, would have gone down with the proverbial ship if necessary in order to save a single life….for to save a single life would have made my Presidency worth every second.” )))
(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! And if you believe that, you stupid fucking Americans, I have these weapons of mass destruction to sell you. Let me get them…they’re right here under my bed…..BOOM!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Karl Rove once told me, after we had been drinking most of the night, “George, give me a nickle for every evangelical hayseed who will believe every word we say so long as we wrap it around old glory….and I’d be a rich man !” Ahhh Karl….how I love him so. I miss him. The warm embrace….the hugs….the late night massages……the sex. Where did it go wrong between us? With Karl by my side I could have scaled new heights on the backs of so many millions of stupid Americans. God though how I love America. About the only place where a life-time, frat-rat, ne’er do well like myself, who likes to drink more than just about anything under the sun, can be President. One day I plan to….)))
“GEORGE!!!!! I’m going to give your lunch to Barney!!!”
“Okay. I’m coming.”
(((Soon Laura…..soon. Your goddamn day of reckoning is right around the corner)))
….Chap II Thoughts to be continued: Condi….that chick could fuck like a mink