Monthly Archives: June 2010

Ever the philanthropist, Jimmy has donated his body to sausage

Country music legend and sausage meat bi-product magnate, as well as one of the ugliest, pedophilic-looking people in history, Jimmy Dean, died yesterday.  Reportedly his remains will be made into sausage, per his last request, which will likely be one of the healthiest things to have ever gone into this god-awfully unhealthful product.

Until he started making shitty, coronary-inducing food,  Jimmy was best known for the schlock 1961 country hit, “Big John,” written about Jimmy’s early boyfriend who was hung like a horse.  Jimmy was also in three minor motion pictures, Rebel Without a Cause (1955), East of Eden (1955), and Giant (1956).  It was while making “Giant” that Jimmy met his first lover, Rock Hudson, whom he was later to secretly marry.  They secretly divorced in 1968.

Rock, Liz, and Jimmy....taking a smoke break on the set of Giant

Jimmy, unable to rely on his substandard music skills, took his “Big John” money and invested it into the sausage business using his hog slaughtering experiences as a child to motivate him.

10 gallon Jimmy shows off his Greatest Hit

“I always knew I wanted to make shit, artery-hardening food,” Jimmy once said in a 1974 interview.  We used to watch all the entrails, hog tongues, and all the rest of it go straight into the trash.  I figured that was a waste and decided when I was a kid growing up to make something of the shit from the hog that other people kept throwing away.  So we started throwing that along with sage, spices, and other unspeakable things into the mix and “SHAZAM!!!….we had ourselves the best eatin’ sausage around.  Nobody cared what was in it. Americans NEVER care about what’s in their food.  All they care about then and now is taste,” added Jimmy.

One year Jimmy even tossed this poor guy into a batch of his best Tennessee Pride. "Fuck it...who's gonna notice," said Jimmy. And, of course he was right.

But the rest was history.  Jimmy Dean’s sausage business took off like a hound dog after a coon starting with conventional sausage rolls, patties, and links which were disgusting enough.  But over the years, as people in America began to get fatter, Jimmy’s growing company kept coming up with ways to help America toward its ultimate goal of becoming the most morbidly obese nation in the history of the world.  His company’s most recent big sellers include everything from various disgusting mixtures of fake eggs, sausage and god knows what else all mixed together and sold as “Breakfast Bowls.”  Then there’s the Country Breakfast Casserole.  You don’t EVEN want to know what the fuck is in that.

Jimmy starred on TV with this guy...then turned him, too, into sausage

Inside view of sausage wrapped in a pancake. Famous existentialist, Victor Frankl, once asked the question,"Just how desperately hungry does one have to be to stick these pancake-wrapped turds in your stomach?"

But Jimmy’s “Sistine Chapel” is easily the blueberry pancake wrapped around a sausage dog, which looks alarmingly like a penis.  This abortion, ingeniously known as “Blueberry Pancake and Sausage on a Stick” is one of Dean’s best sellers.  “With 400 grams of saturated fat and 5000 calories, it’s like eating death on a stick,” Dean once said, “but people love ‘em and I aim to please.”

The Horror.....The Horror

Jimmy leaves behind his multi-billion dollar industry and too many ex wives to mention here….but his last wish was to continue being a part of all the millions of Americans whom he has contributed to making morbidly obese.  Thus, Jimmy has already been ground up into dust and, according to his wishes, will be the secret ingredient in America’s favorite sausage for at least the next 10 years or until Jimmy runs out.

I'm a Pickin' and I'm a Lickin' !!

A motion picture is in the works about Jimmy Dean’s life….or more appropriately…about the life of the sausage dick that Jimmy has made so famous.  To be released in October, “The Curious Case of Jimmy’s Sausage” will be about a decrepit old sausage roll that looks like a penis and seems to, inexplicably, get younger and fresher as the days and years pass until it actually evolves into a piece of fresh, raw meat….and then just disappears altogether.  It’s the sort of movie that Jimmy Dean would have loved and how he would have wanted to be remembered.

…or as Jimmy liked to say, “Don’t ask….just eat it.”