Daily Archives: April 22, 2010

Bristol Makes New Friends Via Her Mom’s Hacked E-Mail Account

Her mom might be pissed but daughter Bristol’s life is (((BUSTING)))!

….ever since former U. of Tennessee economics student, David Kernell, was charged with hacking her mom’s Yahoo e-mail that Bristol says has led to her receiving countless phone calls and hundreds of text messages when her cell number was posted online after her mother’s e-mail account was hacked.

“I HAVE SO MANY NEW FRIENDS !!,” said an elated, overjoyed Bristol…..

Bristol "Juggs" Palin keeps her retarded older brother's hand off her beaver

“I got this one funny-wunny phone call from this one boy who said he wanted to stick his polish sausage where the sun don’t shine…and I just thought what a funny place to want to stick a polish sausage and, golly, I just tried to tell him that the best thing to do w/ Polish sausages is to eat them and he told me…EXACTLY!”

Mom forceably French kisses Bristol while Trig can't bear to look

“There was another one where this one boy wanted to sniff and eat my panties and I was like, my goodness…panties would be kind of tough to eat, don’t you think? When I said that to him, he seemed really confused and just kind of hung up.  Poor guy.”

“Another wonderful boy wanted to know if he could eat my beaver and I just told him that people don’t eat beavers in Alaska because there’s lots of moose and, besides, I don’t have a beaver personally but he still told me that he would eat my beaver if I let him.  I just told him, if I ever get a beaver you can get to know it but you can’t eat it.  He seemed fine with that.”

Bristol "Juggs" Palin

Alaskan Beaver

Palin testified Wednesday that she was 17 and pregnant in 2008 when her mother Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! account was invaded after the former Alaska governor was picked as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Bristol Palin said she worried when a bunch of boys called, claiming they were at her front door and wanted in.

“We live in the middle of nowhere in Alaska … in the middle of the woods,” said Bristol.  “Thanks God almighty that David hacked my mom’s account otherwise I wouldn’t be getting all these great calls from such nice fellas wanting to do things to me and for me. “

“Every night I get boys  calling and e-mailing, and twittering me about sausage this and wiener that and what they’d like to do below my state line, and having a banana in their pockets and how happy they are to see me and how they’d like their faces to be my bicycle seat….hahahahahahaahahahaha.  That’s so silly.  I mean, whose face is their bicycle seat?!?”

“and I got this other call from this other guy who said he wanted to “give it to me but good” and I thought that was sooooo nice of him to offer to give me something so graciously even though he never told me for sure what it was he wanted to give me but I’m sure it must have been very good.

And just this morning at around 2, I got this one call from some boy who was obviously in great pain because there were all these groans and heavy breathing and he was obviously in pain cause all he could say was “aaaaahhhh….oooooohhhh….ahhhhhhhh” and he kept asking me to “touch his banana” so I think he must have been in great pain AND he was delirious from all his pain….poor guy.”

“I guess the most upsetting call I’ve gotten is from this guy at 3 the other morning who said his hot dog was stiff and hurt and he needed me to suck on it…I felt so bad for him and his hot dog.  I hope someone has sucked on his hot dog and made it feel better.  Since it’s HIS hot dog, maybe he was able to suck on it himself.”